"Black History...the final story"

In the final installment of "Black History Month:, I take a look at the crusaders who manage to cripple the economy. Oh yeah. All you need is a gun and a nice car in your line of vision, and damnit..."If you don't give me the keys, I'm gonna blow your friggin' head off!" The year is 1988. Enter Nathaniel Wood. An 18 year old whose only crime was that he wanted to drive. Circumstances didn't exactly work in his favor...Three attempts at getting a driver's license and no insurance or current license plate spelled trouble. Mate wasn't about to take this lightly. A trip to the local gun shop resulted in him acquiring a .45 caliber handgun. Nate started out on a small scale by taking a Dodge Caravan at gunpoint from a pregnant woman. After doing some research, it became crystal clear...the Chevy Camaro was worth it's weight in gold. Nate stole close to a dozen Camaros and thought he had his back covered by scratching out the VIN numbers. Sadly, the shopping spree came to a stop. A crack addict, Nate was willing to steal anything. Everything came to an abrupt halt when Nate pointed a gun to the head of Chi Chi Rodreguiz at Cog Hill. All the fuss was over a golf cart! Nate was arrested and died in prison due to rape. He passed away in 2001. If not for Nate, we wouldn't have a little thing called "carjacking".

A Brief Pause...

Grim wins it all at the Oscars

"Behind the Scenes at the Oscars" A SPECIAL REPORT

This is it. This is finally the year that Oscar gives out the Oscar for best picture. It's only the right thing to do considering Elmo got bumped again after being seen painting the streets of L.A. red with good pal Britney Spears.

Personally, I'm sick of awards shows...period. Since the 2nd week of January, there hasn't been one weekend without an award program of some kind. I for one, will not be partaking in the event on Sunday evening. The Academy awards are much like the Super Bowl. If you chip away all the bullcrap the whole thing would take an hour. Add the long boring acceptance speeches and commercials, and all of a sudden we've got a six hour show. Everyone thinks they have picked the winner. That flick with Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DeCaprio is rumored to walk away with the statue. Director Martin Scorcese is also said to walk away with several awards. In all his years of making hit movies, he's never walked out of the joint with a gold statuette. I really don't know of anyone that threw away the $15 or whatever it is for the price of a ticket to see that movie or Letters from Iwo Jima. If I want to read 21/2 hours of subtitles, I'll read the newspaper.

Who decides which movvies make the cut anyway? Not me, and chances are, not you either. Let's face it, when a critically acc;aimed movie is expected to have an outstanding opening weekend, moviegoers flock to the cinema to make movies like Norbit with Eddie Murphy number one. For this reason, while we patiently await Beverly Hills Cop 4, lets give a shout out to a couple of movies for best picture of the year. Forget all the three hour boring movies...Santa Clause 3, and Big Momma's House 2 really packed 'em in. Ah yes, another crappy Sinday evening and I'd like to thank everyone for making this possible...especially Jesus Christ.

"NEWS that may have gotten lost in translation...revisited!"

Pointless, worthless news to end your work week. Pull up your bean bag, plop down, and get cozy, Here's the big stories that cause my gag reflex to kick in full throttle...

• The new dollar coin gets unveiled just in the nick of time for President's Day! Geez, you would think that by now the Federal Reserve would put two and two together and realize there's nothing like the feel of paper money between the fingers. We've experienced the Susan B. Anthony dollar in the late 1970's and early 80's. Same size as a quarter and often mistaken for one as well. The end result? You purchase something for a dollar by using that coin and the cashier sticks her hand out for the rest of the money. Next up, we had the gold coin with the Indian woman. Who the hell was this? Pocahontas? This was one coin that really came in handy ...at the post office. If you wanted to buy stamps after hours, the vending machine would gladly accept it. Everyone else would need to pull out a magnifying glass in case you're trying to pass off a Canadian coin. Now we have George Washington on a gold coin. The nations 1st President is worth roughly a buck. GW knows this whole thing is a bunch of B.S. because on the coin, the expression on his face says it all. He never looked half as mad when he and Lincoln get prostituted for mattresses and white sales in February at Target.
• Speaking of Indians...er, "Native Americans". Damn, I'mstill going to call them Indians! The Indians in Central Illinois put down their bottle of whiskey long enough to bitch and moan about the University of Illinois' mascot...the dancing Injun with the tomahawk chop. They say it's offensive and the Indian is full of stereotypes that were laid to rest years ago. I sit on the fence with this issue and here's why...It's only a mascot for crying out loud! If some guy dancing around like he's gotta pee makes you happy, I can do it for you. Shoot, they can have a monkey dressed in a sailor suit as a mascot and it wouldn't matter. Secondly, give it up. All of it. Didn't we migrate to America and take the Indian's land from them? Give them the costume back already! On the flipside, the Indian's are angry that they're being used by a school for the purposes of making money...a contradiction if you look at the facts. Land owned by the Indian's is quickly being developed into casinos. When you dig yourself into a deep hole and max out your credit cards to play keno, they'll be laughing all the way to the bank. What else can we get rid of? The Indians, The Blackhawks, The Braves? Enough is enough already!
• I'll bet you didn't see this one coming! Rolling Stone magazine has reported that the long awaited Guns n' Roses record which was set to be released in early March will now be pushed back until later this year or maybe longer. Damn, Axl Rose must be a perfectionist and if this record EVER gets finished, it better be the album of the Century! Axl stated to the magazine that he's anxious to hit the road and go on tour despite the fact that GNR is notorious for going onstage five hours late and performing a half a dozen songs before walking off and leaving concertgoers high and dry. Chinese Democracy is finished however, Axl notes that he and his no name bandmates are simply waiting for the right time to drop it. 1992 was the last release from the band. Since then, Axl has managed to derail friendships with everyone he knows. The rumor mill had Slash possibly rejoining the group. Not to worry. It was only a rumor. There's more stability in playing guitar in Volkswagon commercials.
• Finally, as it turns out, Kevin Federline is a real class act while standing next to Britney Spears. It's rehab time again and maybe the third time will be the charm. After two visits to Eric Clapton's "Crossroads" rehab clinic for a few hours, Britney didn't quite get the concept that you can't walk through the front door of the place with two cases of beer. I sure hope there's a barbershop at the place she checked into yesterday. She shaved her own head earlier this week and it really shows. Someone needs to finish the job. Even Britney who's in a foggy state of mind has been avoiding photographers by wearing a wig and sunglasses. This is an accident waiting to happen. How long will Mizz Spears last in rehab this time? The odds are pretty good that she'll stay considering an early departure by her in the middle of the night will give up her parental rights as K-Fed would gain custody. Considering his record didn't even make a showing on Billboards Hot 200, (maybe if there was a Hot 900, he'd clock in at 899). He's got a lot of time on his hands to babysit what might be two crack babies. Get out of showbusiness Britney and stay straight!

"Are the Fisher Price Little People REALLY Little People?"

Black History Month shuffles along with a special tribute to the original Fisher Price "Little People"

In October of 1967 the good people at Fisher Price Toy Company developed a few new children's toys made mostly of wood. Early on there was a home with working foorbell for the girls, and the boys were treated to pretend playtime with a barn complete with silo, hayloft, and animal sounds. My oh my, the kids played and played and had a ball, In the early months of 1972, the white kids were thrown for a loop when forced under pressure by the ACLU, Fisher Price came under scrutiny for not having a black figurine mixed in with the white crowd. This was a mystery indeed considering most black parents couldn't afford these toys at the Sears or Kmart. Their kids were still playing voodoo with dolls made of corn on the cob. On the flip side, most of the white kids were unfamiliar with a negro outside of Flip Wilson, Sammy Davis Jr.,and Bill Cosby. At the time, an unidentified negro janitor was sweeping up the Fisher Price woodworking room and accidentally dumped some figurines into the incinerator and rushed like hell to get them back out one by own. It was too late! The few that were salvaged were burnt and resembled a black man. Next day, the C.E.O. of Fisher Price called the man into his office. Thinking he was about to be fired, the old black man reported to the office ready for an ass whooping, Instead, what he got was a promotion to head of Research and Development with an $8000 a year salary. It didn't end there either. When the black man and woman were added to groups, parents went crazy. In the house for girls, Daddy was white while Momma was black. The kids were white too, suggesting this was Dad's 2nd marriage. On the other hand, the boys had no place for a black man on the farm either. Many children said the black man was too lazy to work on a farm and trying to get him to move faster made the black man confrontational.

"Britney goes from bad to worse...has she FINALLY lost all her marbles?"

******************************

On this particular Saturday, Ms. Spears lands her place in The Squealing Pig's crosshairs! - A divorce may very well be good enough reason to mope around the house for a while and have Netflix and Domino's on your speed dial but, Britney Spears has really cranked things up a few notches since the split with K-Fed. Two examples of enigmas...mysteries wrapped in a riddle. If Sigmund Freud were alive to sit down and have a chat with either of the two, he'd throw his hands in the air and give up.

Mickey Mouse cries himself to sleep every night. Long gone are the days of The New Mickey Mouse Club where a couple of teens by the names of Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christine Aguelerra all sported the Mickey ears and danced and pranced like faries.

Trouble on the set of Britney's first music video. e grace of God. Her head will be as bare as a newborn baby's bottom. She performs for all of mankind while unbeknownst to most, gives the necessary tools for the planets final battle. Britney's first CD featured a music video to pop in your computer. The trouble came in when then 16 year old Britney appeared as a uniform wearing schoolgirl with short, plaid skirt and knee high white stockings. Often times she would bend over to show her underwear while twirling her pigtails. Everyone was on her case as well as the record company for "prostituting" a teenager to sell records. Many people saw this coming including the often controversial Nostrodamus who wrote in one of his writings that, "At the end of the 2000th Sun, an angel will fall from thHer strong determination will allow to rise to the top of producing a one world government often defined as the NWO or, New World Order. She can be stopped however, MILLIONS will die in doing so." Could the famed prophet be referring to Britney?

Britney's visit with Eric Clapton ends abruptly. Sources say that since Britney's weird, erratic behavior began in public on New Year's Eve, she may have a few screws loose. First up was dying the hair to black. Now, in between boozing it up with Paris Hilton she all of a sudden has a thing for tattoos. Is this what prompted her to shave her head (In a really shitty way too) to make way for the tattoo artist to give her some ink on the back of her head as well as her wrist? She may need a needle stuck into her head, but not one full of ink. In conclusion peeps, this is good entertainment however, what kind of Mom is she to her kids when she's out doing all this crazy stuff all hours of the night. I'm sorry to say that at the "old age" of 21, Britney is following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole. Amazingly, I'm the only one who sees this. Finally, we don't need another Sinead O' Connor. The only thing that excuses you to shave that head is cancer. You don't have it, or do you?

"Slim Fast, Men,Oxycontin, Men, Everclear, and MEN and a head in the fridge!"

One week later and the newspaper tabloids are still dishing up the dirt on all the unanswed questions Anna Nicole took to the grave with her. These are some things you may have seen or read about however, the majority of these items will wiggle their way into your living room very soon. I for one, had access to some of this stuff with my media pass. Now, without breaking any rules, I can merely shed a quick light on the controversy which hasn't even begun to spew smoke, let alone erupt like a dormant volcano.

• You may have seen Access Hollywood or one of those similar shows rush to Anna's vacant Hotel room in Florida to open up the fridge and take a look inside. Yes, it was slim pickin's as most of the food was spoiled. Inside were all kinds of pills from her much hyped deal with Trimspa. There was Vicadin, Oxycontin and methylamphedomenes. Several wrapped sandwiches were in there as well as a bottle of the grain alcohol Everclear. What they didn't immediately see, was the severed head of Anna Nicole on the top shelf (until they put things back in order, Anna's funeral has been put on hold). Here's something else you didn't know: Anna was staying at the Hollywood Florida Hilton Hotel. As a sidenote, Paris and Nikki Hilton had slept there several hours between 3 am and 7:30 am. Twenty minutes later the hotel cleaning woman attempted to enter Anna's room for a cleaning. After knocking and no answer, the maid used the pass key to enter only to discover a gruesome scene that had her on the next Grayhound bus back to Mexico. Did the Hilton sisters do it or, they just happened to be in the Florida area tat night? How about the maid? Scared of what she saw, or scared of getting caught?
• Next up, Anna's little dog "Sugarpie" is on the list for a DNA test. In the above photo taken only days before her death, Anna poses with her beloved baby who bears an uncanny resemblance to Sugarpie. Is it possible that Anna foresaw her own demise and had the semen of her doggie implanted inside her to crossbreed a human and animal? See for yourself as the little tyke appears to have a normal body however, the head of a dog.
• A few more contestants to go, and we'll have a panel to play "Hollywood Squares! No matter if you're a man or woman, young or old, white, black, or mexican...If you've been to Hollywood Florida, you might have woken up early in the morning in a strange Hotel room with Anna Nicole snoring louder than a 747 taking off the runway and her naked body on top of you. In the collage of four photos above, from upper left we have Zsa Zsa Gabor's swinging husband who claims to be a Prince, Duke, or whatever. The old fart was more than happy to brag to Zsa Zsa that he bagged Anna and that kid of hers belongs to HIM. Next up, Attorney Howard K. Stern who although still claims to be the Father, also admits to comply with Anna's wishes of underfeeding the child so she can be "Sexy". Stern also acted as Anna's "hook-up" when she was being bitchy and needed drugs. Even while pregnant, Anna pushed this guy out to the bad neighborhoods of Florida to purchase dope. Late last year, the two stopped short of getting married and instead, called it a "bonding ceramony". How about SIRRIUS radio's Howard Stern? His name gets tossed into the hat because Anna and the other Howard often appeared as guests on his radio show. DJ Howie would often get angry when the other Howard refused to allow Anna to be on the microphone alone. Like a defense Attorney in a big murder trial, Howard K. would coach Anna along and make sure she didn't make a fool of herself. When Stern the DJ had a run in with her lawyer and telling him he had no business taking part in Anna's conversation on the air, Anna and her Attorney stormed out only to leave DJ Stern high and dry for the final hour. In order to make sure he's not overshadowed by Anna's death and all the hoopla, DJ Howie proposed to his model/ girlfriend. Way to go Howie! Last but not least is excercise guru Richard Simmons. He may be as queer as the day is long however, years back worked with Anna "Sweat'n to the Oldies" and was reported by people in the class to be sporting a woody when close to Anna. ...Hey, draw your own conclusions. So, now what?
• Enough pussyfooting around. LET'S FIND THE FATHER! Yeah, it's easy to play armchair quarterback and decide what in the heck tarnation is going on. Why are so many people waiting in lines to take blood tests to prove they ARE the Father? Most guys head for the hills when they learn they are only one of a few men to have helped produce the baby. End this chapter RIGHT NOW and take the whole kit and kaboodle to Maury Povich! Yes, he's one tough Jew that can easily point out a playa and liar even before the test even starts. See how quick these guys climb over one another to get legal custody of the kid after they find out that Anna left her whole fortune to her son that died of a lethal mix of pills just last year while visiting Mom and baby in the hospital! You better believe more is to come on this topic!

BREAKING NEWS: THE DEATH OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH

ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEAD AT 39. Hard to believe the crazy blonde, Marilyn Monroe lookalike dropped dead in Florida. Wait a minute~ I shouldn't be shocked by anything Anna Nicole did. At least once every few months, Anna has made it a point to make it into the headlines. Now, I'll admit one thing: Drugs or not, Anna looked damn good after the Trimspa or whatever the hell it was she was taking. This was an unnecessary death fueled by drugs and alcohol. She did dope with her son who passed away after Thanksgiving from dope, had a baby and the jury is still out on who the Daddy is. A mock marriage to Attorney Howard Stern (Not to be confused with the radio star) set everything in motion. As Anna battled personal demons in recent months, it almost goes without saying that Anna never shook off the drug abuse...and now she's dead. Will E! do a special on her funeral? Oh boy, nothing would shock The Pig!

"This little piggy needs a day of rest but, tomorrow is another story"!

Coming Tomorrow:

• "I'll bet you never heard of THIS bet"
• Dave Matthews poops on Chicago one more time
• American Idol sells it's soul to the devil
• ...And much more to come.

"The only thing Irish about this is the name"

It's time once again for another salute to those African Americans who otherwise would have their contributions overlooked. We turn back the hands of time and travel back to 1946 where a young man in Biloxi, Mississippi had a vision while wandering the aisles of a store in what was known as "Liquor Row" due to the amount of stores that sold booze. The clientel in that part of town was mainly the unemployed black man who would often panhandle passerbys for spare change for a drink. Grover McIntosh was no exception. What he came to realize is that he had to stand just outside the door all day long in the blistering heat. This is where Mr. McIntosh had a revelation that would change this overlooked area of the alcoholic beverage industry forever, At that time, The African American community w had realized that in order to get a good buzz on wine, it would cost about $5 for a bottle of spirits which mainly came from France and Italy. One evening Mr. McIntosh took a collection on the street corner and was able to buy one of the expensive bottles of wine, With that, McIntosh headed home to his apartment and went right to work. McIntosh polished off half the bottle and filled the rest with water. By adjusting the formula, McIntosh was able to cut the cost in half. For merely half a buck, McIntosh was able to secure shelf space around town for his product which was yet to be named. While waiting in the unemployment line one afternoon, the man behind the counter joked with hin about his name and asked him if he's Irish. It was on that very day that "Wild Irish Rose" was born Since then, this cheap, fortified wine has spread through the African American community like wildfire, McIntoshes invention earned him a sizeable anount of money and can still be seen in local parks and inner cities, usually being sipped out of a brown paper bag. Sadly, Grover McIntosh passed away in 1988 however, thanks to him, everyone is able to afford a cheap night of getting drunk!

Not Here Jack!

Let's face it. There WILL be a winner by tomorrow. The Squealing Pig pulls no punches and reminds you, neither team is safe. Marinate in that for a while and by tomorrow night, you'll get my opinion. Sorry Lovie, I hope you DO win but, I think The Colts are just a little bit better.

A Black History Salute to "Redd Foxx" and ALL his shenanigans"

Redd Foxx was an old, bitter black man who within the course of 30 minutes ended the show happy the way his situation was. Little be known that this show was originally done in England and called, "Steptoe and Son". Thanfully when it made it back to the US, Redd sat down with producers and wiped away the clean from the pilot script. In real life, Foxx was from St. Louis and his families last name was really "Sanford". LaWanda Page who played "Aunt Esther" on the show was actually a real life cousin to Redd who he admired very much and gave her a part in his show. This may have been one of the first programs to feature the cast either drunk or under the influence of drugs. Demond Wilson (Lamont) often times wore sunglasses through an entire show so nobody could see his pupils. Foxx was no better. Given the fact he taped his shows after a weekend in Las Vegas or just before he left to go there, he either came to the set drunk or left that way. The party often swept through the studio like a swarm of bees in which everyone got stung including "Aunt Esther". Less than half the scripts for episodes you see on TV today actually stuck to it. Most was ad-libbed by Foxx and everyone fed off of it. It enjoyed a nice little run and came back for one season in the early 80's. Foxx's last show was with Della Reese on a sitcom entitled Royal Family. After only a few episodes, Redd Collapsed on the set and never recovered. During his time as comedian he released a new record almost every week and they were all filthy dirty. So, today I remind you that when you see middle school children getting off the bus and saying "Fuck you honkey mo fo" or, "Yeah, I stabbed the dude because he called me a nigger", God bless The Foxx.
the opinions expressed here are soley of the squealing pig 3007.

The Cartoon Network Promotion That Cost a Few Million Dollars To Boston....

Who planted those "Lite Brite" boxes around Boston that made everyone run for the hills? You tell me...To the left is Alternative/Metal rocker Rob Zombie. To the right is one of the guys who put these things up depicting cartoons giving the finger. Is it me, or is this the same person?

"The Squealing Pig" has not forgotten about Black History month in February

The origin of the "thief" or "bandit" dates back to way before Jesus Christ walked the soil! As the beginning of another Black History Month readies to enter another month of it's annual observance, so little is known about some of the people that really changed the landscape in the United States if you like it or not. Today, we salute the 1st in a series presented to you periodically over the next several weeks. As it was in the beginning of the 20th Century, you could pack up the family in your Buick and drive from New York to Los Angeles for a two week vacation and all the while leave your windows open and doors unlocked. History was made when a young boy riding his bicycle through the streets of Greenville, SC noticed the wind had blown open the front door of the Millford house. The young man ditched his bike and went to the front door to peek inside. After saying "Hello" a few times, he opened the screen door and tiptoed his way through the empty house. Maurice Lackey had the balls of eight Roman soldiers! After phoning his Father to explain what was going on at that house, Dad was quick to pull the tablecloth off the dinner table and hop on his bike where Maurice already had the majority of China and Silverware stashed away in another tablecloth. In the next few hours Dad and Maurice had made several trips each way. The Millford's new television of two weeks got swooped up quicker than a buzzard on a dead possum.

When the Millfords finally got home from their trip, astonished, there was nothing to be done. No clues...nothing. Everything was gone including the clothes in the closets, jewelry, and even Mrs. Millford's girdles. Sadly, after a botched job in the early 1970's, Lackey was sent to prison for a 120 year sentence with no parole. In the fall of 2001, when asked about being the first black man to steal from the white man, he laughed and pulled out a key. "What's that for?" a reporter asked. Smiling, Maurice said "The extra key to the Millford's Buick. Go get it and take it cause I'M THE SHIT" One month later he would be found stabbed to death by his cellmate.

Maurice Lackey...we salute you for your bravery in stealing from the white man and when getting caught saying you were caught just because you're black.

"These Two Toons Hit A Sour Note In The Same Week!"

Hard to fathom that a meatball, milkshake, and container of french fries nearly got us into World War III, but that's exactly how it almost went down over a day ago. Homeland Security was on high alert yesterday when some commuters driving to work in Boston noticed several "bombs" sprinkled around town that had blinking lights and four "D" sized batteries with wires attached to it. Police were notified and they in turn notified the Bomb and Arson Unit who went to check things out. As it was, it was nothing more than an advertising gimmick for Cartoon Network. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a silly cartoon that comes on late night as part of the channel's "Adult Swim" lineup. In the end, they found several black blinking boxes that were strategically placed in areas such as under bridges and overpasses and large buildings that see a lot of foot traffic. While President Bush was nervously sweating by his red telephone, the bomb experts realized nothing was in the boxes to detonate. In fact, upon inspection it turns out these things were put together on the same principle as the child's toy "Lite Brite". pegs in a board with a light source behind run by batteries! While all this was going on, nine other cities including Chicago were discovered to have the same devices. Two guys in Boston were arrested for dropping these boxes off and terrorizing Boston. It's a "Lite Brite" for God sakes! Toys R Us had better pull those things off the shelf! Funny thing is, these guys who only worked the Boston area got in deep doo-doo when all they were doing is what they were told to do. Boston's Police Chief and Mayor are already calculating the cost of the damage done and are asking these two guys who will pay the two million dollars for scaring the hell out of everyone. These two college kids are going to have to throw a lot of keg parties for the rest of their life! The guy behind it all is media mogul Ted Turner who has Cartoon Network as part of his arsenal. What happens now? He did what he set out to do: Get everyone talking about Cartoon Network and hping you'll tune in.

A quick note on what was reported on Dateline NBC's Internet Predators series and how SpongeBob Squarepants is connected. Earlier this week I tuned into Dateline and they had their show about the Internet again. Their "sting" operation caught 38 guys who drove miles and hours to the home of what they thought was a 12 year old girl looking for sex. It was actually an 18 year old actress playing the part. Of course, the guy rings the doorbell and they're immediately confronted by a Dateline reporter who reads transcripts of often explicit conversations and then tells them they can go home. As soon as they walk out the door they're ambushed by 20 cops and arrested. Of note that evening was a guy in his 20's who got busted. The interesting thing of note was while questioning him, police discover he does animation for SpongeBob Squarepants on Nickelodian. At the end it was reported that the guy no longer has a job or anything else for that matter. That's one hell of a mess for SpongeBob to soak up!

"Be The Hero of Your Super Bowl Party with Dave's Signature Sub!"

Yes folks, Dave has done it again! I've put my own spin on a classic sandwich just in time for your Super Bowl 41 party! You probably have most of the ingredients in your cupboard or refrigerator. If not, go to the store and while there, grab some chips and a couple cases of Old Style to make the game a true Chicago classic!

Dave's 41 Super Sub

• Get yourself a nice variety of lunchmeats from the grocer's deli. Get yourself some nice cheeses too. Make sure you have the counter help slice everything thin enough to read the newspaper through. Some bologna, pastrami, salami, turkey, ham, olive loaf, and roast beef. For cheese, some swiss will do as well as a can of Cheeze Whiz.
• One jar of a good brown mustard
• Mayonaise
• Thousand Island dressing
• Hot peppers
• A big ripe tomato
• One big Vadalia onion
• Lettuce
• Pickles
• Torpedo rolls

Here's what to do when you get back home: Two days prior to the game, leave the meats and cheeses on the countertop and preferably in the direct sunlight too. Next, you'll need a friend who loves skydiving, mountain climbing or anything risky. It's important that this person likes to gamble and take chances because this friend is going to put everything above together into a sandwich and eat it on Saturday afternoon. When you're forced to drive your pal to the ER that night, this is when you get the store on the phone and threaten them with legal action for making your friend sick. Scare them a little bit by telling them you have connections with the best Law Firm in town and will end up owning the place by the time its done. They should respond with a generous offer to settle out of court. You might have to haggle a bit but tell them about your party the next day and that all the food is bad. They should cut you a check for several thousand bucks which you can pick up later at night. Your friend should be up and around and discharged by noon on Sunday. In the end, your friend has money for his overnight stay at the hospital, and with the leftover money you can go to Quizno's and get one of everything on the menu as well as phoning Rent-A-Center for a rental on a big screen television. Now THAT'S the American way!

Sorry to say, I predict The Colts over THE BEARS: 24-17