In the spotlight today: Dwayne Johnson formerly known as "The Rock"

Poor Dwayne! His intentions are good however, his movies are another ball of wax! After climbing the ladder in the WWE and making it to the top, Rocky Miavia considered himself ready to hit Hollywood. Yeah, Hulk Hogan thought the same thing when he signed with Universal Studios and mad several movies...if you're like me, you probably can't name any of them. Since leaving the ring, Johnson considers himself the next Bruse Willis in a new Die Hard movie. In my opinion, Dwayne should put the fire out on the wacky plans of taking Hollywood by storm. Your acting skills aren't solid as a "Rock" ...not even close.

Bin Laden, crocodiles, and WHOOPING IT UP in zero gravity!

• Here we go. Another night and even more stupidity for your enjoyment! OSAMA BIN LADEN'S link to the WHITE HOUSE! Well, I don't know about the validity of the story BUT, my top-notch staff has said that the man responsible for 9/11 has been seen wandering the streets of America. Six Flags Magic Mountain has confessed that as recently as three weeks ago, Bin Laden was enjoying himself on roller coasters and water rides. Later on, he hit the Midway throwing darts and throwing baseballs at milk bottles. He even won a stuffed Tweety Bird. While all these shenannigans were going on, President Bush and Vice-President Cheney were using everything they could to find the guy. I say that Bin Laden sat down for Thanksgiving dinner last year with Mr. President. Nothing but speculation about the guys wherabouts...Is he dead or alive??!! ALIVE! Look for the guy with the white towel around his head, is 7 feet tall, and has a long beard! If modern technology allows satellites in space to snap a photo of your license plates, how could this big jackass still be on the loose?!
• Holy Crikey! You know, I'm a news junkie who just can't get enough and is always quick to pick up the mistakes. 99% of the time I'll let the station know that they screwed up. Today? Nah! I'm giving WBBM CBS 2 in Chicago the weekend off however, I'll share their mistake from Saturday morning's newscast. A story on crocodiles was reported. Seems as though these pesky crocs are a menace to golfers in Florida. In a brief clip, a golfer picked up his club and threatened to whack the crocodile in the head! HERE'S THE PROBLEM...there's no crocodiles running loose in North America. We only have alligators (The Florida Gators). A couple dozen people behind the controls of a #3 market? The only crocodiles around here are in ZOO's!
• Lush in Space. What's up with this female astronaut passing out twice during a press conference? In all the years of the space program, nobody has ever passed out. They blame it on "zero-gravity"? Not Quite. You see, this woman brought along a bottle of Jack Daniel's and stashed it in the glove compartment of the shuttle. Now, I don't know what exactly was the final outcome of this "test" in detail BUT, everyone agrees that one swig of Jack Daniel's in zero-gravity makes you unable to stand up when you get back!

"SHUT UP AND READ!" ...(please??!!)

"Supernova's SUPER BOO-BOO" leads to California's confusion!

Supernova, please meet Supernova OR, which came first, Supernova or Supernova? Suppose you're a struggling band that's been making 45''s, LP's, and CD's on independant record labels since 1989, and while still struggling, one fine day in 2006 you turn on the television only to see Tommy Lee, Jason Newstead, and Gilby Clarke (Motley Crue, Metallica, and Guns and Roses, respectively) searching for a lead singer for a new band they were forming named "Supernova" too? You'd scratch your head and immediately pull out the yellow pages to find a good Jewish lawyer! That's almost EXACTLY how it went down with CBS' RockStar television show. Still buzzed from the success of last season with INXS, I guess everyone in CBS' Legal Department "forgot to look things up" about copyright infringement when they gave the green light to the guys to use "Supernova" as the name of the group they were auditioning for. Truth is, the "original Supernova" which has a big fan base in California may have not even blinked an eye had it not been for candidates heading to the auditions thinking they may be joining the techno/rock/punk group that they love out there on the West Coast only to find three hard rockin', hard drinkin', hard livin' tattooed body pierced guys give them a thumb up or thumb down. Maybe someone at CBS didn't do their research, maybe everyone figured the band was long gone or maybe wouldn't notice or care that these three hard rock heavyweights took their name. Well, thanks to a lawyer and as is always mentioned on My Name is Earl, there's this thing called "karma" (and friends in high places) that turn a bad situation into a positive. The original "Supernova" managed to file a lawsuit against CBS and the three members of the band for the name...and WON! Kind of. You see, the band that emerged from TV has a CD due out for the beginning of November. Since a lot of the artwork and so on was already finished, All that Tommy Lee has to do is add "RockStar" to "Supernova" and that's it...or is it? Tommy and the others probably would have started out with the above name in the first place. I say, take the loss, destroy what's done and come up with a new name for the group. On the other end is the 1989 to present "Supernova" who have used this gaffe as a steppingstone to further their career which has been struggling to get recorded on anything other than someone's MP3 player for years. They want you to know that they appear on the soundtrack to the original Kevin Smith indie film Clerks. You know, the black and white one from the early '90's? Meanwhile, what could be a big break for these California surfer dudes, may not be so good for Tommy Lee. This is only a money-making scheme and I predict, if the original guys chugged along so many years without a major label, they'll be playing clubs and bars a long time after Tommy Lee's side project releases only one CD and then like Tommy, gets burnt out!

A week full of "Hello's", "Goodbye's", and "Haven't I seen you somewhere befores?"

Hello...Pleased to meet you! Renewing interest once again in the age old argument of "Life" between religious leaders and scientists. The science community has brought something new to the table with the discovery of a skull from a small child in Etheopia believed to be nearly 3.5 million years old! If this is true, this would make the skull already named "Selam" the oldest human to have walked the planet. Wow! Ain't that neat? Now what do we do with this thing? One thing that has already been done is speculation on what this girl looked like, what she ate, how she walked and how she communicated with the other humanids of the time. They say that Selam was half ape and half human with arms as long as her legs however, stood upright and climbed trees for berries and other vegetation to dine on. Isn't that amazing? You can get all this information just from someone's skull! They also found an old Starbuck's coffee cup buried next to her which I guess even 3.5 million years ago proved that too many double lattes will eventually kill you. The Archeologist in the above photo proudly displays the skull of what he believes is his long lost relative. So, I ask again, this team has spent over 30 years digging with spoons and dusting with toothbrushes, they found it, so now what? Take the DNA and clone another Selam? Stick it in a museum to collect dust? Sell it on eBay? That's probably the best thing to do. I'm sure that casino that snatches up grilled cheese sandwiches, potato chips, and tree limbs with images of Jesus will find room in their museum for Selam. Otherwise, the happy man above will be stuck with just another Halloween decoration.

• A Crappy Winter I think that's what the new CW Network stands for. The line "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" isn't just something you say to the nice looking woman at the Bennigan's bar while waiting for a table...nope. We HAVE seen you before! After a few months of hype and fanfare, the CW Network made it's big bang on Monday however, was more like a wet firecracker that never popped. Here's an idea... let's start a new TV Network and then build it up for a few months, and then for the first week of it's debut we'll play reruns from last season and in a few weeks when we get you up to speed on all of last season's "cliffhangers" like Gilmore Girls, Reba, and Everybody Hates Chris that never actually had a "cliffhanger", then we'll get around to playing the new stuff. The best thing that could happen in this situation is all the Cubs, Sox, and Bulls games that are going to get in the way of their silly shows and force them to the wee hours of the morning. Sorry CW, you combined two forces to win a World Series, but just like The Cubs, you're going to finish in last place. It's Deja Vu all over again!
• Did I Just Quit, or Was I fired, OR Was I only dreaming? That's what just about every cast member of Saturday Night Live is wondering as we head into this weekend. As is normally the case with a new season, the cast would have already been hard at work getting ready for next week. This time however, budget cuts by NBC have already let the axe drop on six people who still have no clue what happened. The only person that had something to say to The Chicago Sun-Times was ousted comedian Horatio Sanz who was at a loss to explain what happened other than to say that both parties involved mutually agreed to part ways and he's already moving ahead with other projects of his own. Tina Fey was one of those who managed the duties of "The Weekend Update" mock newscast. She announced her departure last year to work on another NBC show. Normally, the pieces of the puzzle would have already been in place with the vacancies already filled. In this case, Lorne Michaels suggests that "leaner is better" for this year and has even hinted that there won't be anymore guest appearances by "extras". This isn't exactly good news for the show itself where last season reduced the number of shows by around 4 for the year. Meanwhile, nobody knows what will happen next. They'll just have to wait by the phone.

"It's not easy being green", "What's she thinking?", and "What's PARIS thinking?"

Kermit the Frog has gotten a bad rap, Why? E.Coli seemed to have ruin our favorite frog's image. Never mind the fact that Kermit is green BUT, so is spinach. I've never seen a frog with the shits. I've held a frog once that pee'd on me. Anyway, let this be a lesson to all of you...nevermind Popeye the Sailor. Spinich will get you sick! Here's what you have to do to make sure you don't get the soupie poopies...Buy your spinach and bring it home. There you'll want to rinse it under hot water and then scrub it down with Palmolive. Next, pat everything down with a paper towel and put to the side. Step 2 is to take a large pot of water and bring it to a boil. When this is done, add an equal part of ammonia and bleach and add the spinich. Rinse thoroughly and enjoy. You may want to crack a window when starting step 2 or you may get sick. Now, here's something that really gets me sick...the damn commercials that have been bashing Judy Baar Topinka. Hey, I don't know WHAT Judy Baar Topinka is actually thinking however, I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking two :30 second spots every commercial break asking me what she's thinking, has me thinking that Gov. Rod Blagoyavich has a lot of money to burn...Illinois' money. In other words, Mr. Governer's political agenda for re-election falls a little flat. Oh, don't worry. Topinka isn't Mother Theresa either BUT, if I had to pick the lesser of two evils, I'd go for the nutty red-headed broad. At least I can spell her name. Finally, there's trouble with Paris. Mizz Hilton's star appears to be burning out as a result of her recent DUI arrest. While her 12 cars now have to sit idle in her garage, Paris must rely on a friend to take her to the clubs. I don't know if it's Paris' reputation, or the fact that her girlfriend drives a poor man's $75,000 Hummer. Anyway you slice it, Paris has been getting rejected from trendy bars and clubs. Oh well, Paris had better make some friends with the patrons at Starbuck's around the corner. Yeah, she can bring her little dog too!

"No sex, but still getting scewed!"

Here we go again. Don't mind me. I'm ready to smack the taste out of someone's mouth! Yeah, I've been lucky to have had a dozen relatives kick the bucket. Unbeknownstd to me, these people all were in agreement that I should handle their affairs. As a result, I'm too damn good to be writing a blog. But seriously, attached is a letter I got and my response follows. You've probably gotten one of these yourself. If so, feel free to copy and paste my letter back to them. Here's the letter and here's my response. I probably blew my chances of attending fancy dinner parties in my tuxedo.

I am George Smith, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine,by name Mr.Frednand David,who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client,died in a lane crash with members of his family on their way toNewyork for Holidays.See link below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/859479.stmI have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this deposit valued at (US$10.5M) is lodged. This Bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin,orthe account will be confiscated.My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my client,so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage:1. 35% for you2. 60% for me3. 5% for any expenses to be incurred in course of this transaction.All legal documents to back up your claim as my client'snext-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperationto enable us see this Transaction through.This will be executed under alegitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of thelaw. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology.Please contact me at once to indicate your interest.Best regards,ESQ.George Smith.Email: mail@george.la

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Thank the good Lord above for your contacting me about the death of my favorite uncle Fred. I will miss him dearly. I never thought he'd get over the fact that I slept with his second wife. I'm glad it was a plane crash and not me that killed the bastard. Truth is, Fred left the States after hiring a hitman to gun down my Father and take his money worth about $10.5 million bucks that was made as a result of my Father's smart investments in Microsoft and WalMart. While Fred was on the run with a suitcase full of currency, all we were able to afford is a shovel from Home Depot to dig a hole in the backyard and kick him in.

Now, Fred was a grade school teacher for nearly nine years. One thing Fred couldn't stand is people calling him Ferdinand. He was also a stickler with spelling. Who wrote your letter to me, your 7 year old son? There's a fucking button called "spell check". Tell your kid to make use of it!

Finally, before we go any further with this charade, all correspondence will be passed along to the Illinois Attorney General as well as the producers of Dateline NBC. Now, if you give me the runaround, my attorney will be contacting you. You see Sir, that money is mine and you WON'T tell me how much I'm supposed to give you. You don't have me by the nuts. I have YOU by the nuts! Coersion and Misrepresentation are enough to put you in the slammer. Think about that. I know how to hunt you down like a friggin' pitbull. Believe me, by the end of today, I'll find out who you are.

Here's the dope on the dopes!

How about that news folks? After a few years on hiatus, drug use in Hollywood has once again kicked into high gear. Sadly, the way things work is that a few weeks in a treatment center guarantees a lot of offers when they let you out! Be it far away from the truth to have The Squealing Pig endorse drug use HOWEVER, don't be a jackass and get your name in the news! This week has provided me with news of people that probably need rehab but "don't have a problem" MMkay. Before I get started, what the hell is a "Bluetooth"? I'll tell you this...I just got done eating blueberries so, I present this Blog to you in "Blue Teeth". Let's get started, shall we? Adjust your monitor to read this in blue teeth.

• Anna Nicole Smith -Just hearing her name is funny enough. Her son died while in the hospital visiting her and her new baby. C'mon Anna, the Bahamas are a good place for dying. The police really don't care. This kid had no drugs in his system? Sorry. He had Xanax and speed in his system! Poor Anna was so broken up over the death that they had to give her valium. I wonder how many other relatives of hers will die as the reason for taking drugs? Giving Anna valium is like giving a drunk a bottle of Jack Daniel's! That's OK though. Trimspa did a good job with her no matter how screwed in the head she is! If the "locals" in the Bahamas decide that she was somehow involved in her son's death, One more photo shoot please! This time, forget Playboy...I want to see her in Hustler rolling around in mud with Courtney Love!
• Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown -Where do I begin with these two? After all the years of being married (I use the term loosely) and making headlines everywhere they went for their drug addiction and Bobby's arrests, Whitney has finally said, "enough is enough" and has filed for divorce. That's a good idea. It's all Bobby's fault. If not for him, Whitney would still be on top of the world! It was all Bobby's fault that Whitney snorted that cocaine, smoked the dope, popped the pills, and picked up that crack pipe. Heaven help us if Whitney releases a gospel album for her "comeback". Funny thing is, no matter what you do...drugs or chop someone's head off with an axe, all is forgiven when you mention that God is in your life. Whitney will probably appear on Oprah soon to have a "heart to heart" and explain how much she's learned from her life experiences. Afterwards, she'll attempt to board a plane at O'Hare when they discover a glad bag full of dope. Let's see how this plays out.
• Johnny Mathis -The negro "King of Croon" has a couple two three dozen records going back to the early 1960's. Your parents probably brought you into this world with one of Johnny's albums playing on the Hi-Fi and the lights turned down low in your Grandparents living room. "Chances Are" was an invitation for romance. While I know the song well...I'm most familiar with his Christmas music. Anyway, what to do when you sing standards in 2006 and try and compete with "The Black Eyed Peas" and "Diddy"? Well, you reach for the crack pipe! This guy who's nearing 70 years old is upset that the whippersnappers out there aren't stepping over one another to snatch up Johnny Mathis CD's. He just left rehab and is about to hit the road once again. When I hear "Marshmallow World" and "Have Reindeer, Will Travel" this Christmas, I'll be thinking of you Johnny!
• Bert from "Sesame Street" -I can't believe this one! Sesame Street's Bert is at a career crossroads. Bert was caught by Sesame Street staffers smoking a crack pipe and shooting up heroin. Apparently, Bert is worried that he and Ernie are being shuffled to the bottom of the deck with all the new characters getting the most attention. Well, staffers at the Children's Television Workshop had enough when Bert showed up the other day looking disheveled with a three day beard growth. An intervention isn't out of the question however, Bert said that he's on to everyone's tricks and has so far refused. In a statement from CTW, they explain things openly, "It has come to our attention that the public has been made aware of Bert's problems. We hope Bert gets the help he needs. If after 38 years together with Ernie he refuses treatment, we will be forced to terminate our relationship. As a result, all 38 years of Bert's antics will be digitally erased"
  
  

Let's get the damn thing started!

Welcome to the new season peeps. I'm glad you found our new address. I'm keeping things somewhat brief for the next week or two to allow time for the stragglers to get connected. One thing I must do is, focus on three stories and whatever else falls in between, so be it. Let's take a look at things the way I see it.

• Steve Irwin - Yeah, everyone was all broken up over The Crocodile Hunter's grizzly death. I say, who gives a rat's ass? This kind of stupidity was done by a Mr. Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee movies. Anytime you poke a crocodile or venomous cobra, you deserve what's coming to you! Personally, I'd head for the hills. In Irwin's case, he thought it would be a "good idea" to hop in the water and pick up a stingray. Hey, I don't know what those goofs are thinking in Australia, but Mr. Irwin or his employers at Animal Planet and Discovery Channel should have given him the heads up that a stingray really doesn't like to be pulled out of the water and tickled!
• Daniel Smith - Dead at age 20 and son of Anna Nicole Smith. Initially the verdict was that the kid died of natural causes...not so say latest reports. According to his autopsy results, this guy was full of anti-depressants (get ready...it's coming). You see, Anna already went so far as to sleep with the kid and give him pointers. Good for him. She's crazy as a loon however, since losing the weight...well, anyway...Anna should take the heat for her son's death. Afterall, living his life in her house, you would think that he would have learned not to mix Xanax and speed. Too late now. There's no room for error here. By the way, Trimspa and painkillers are a good Friday cocktail! Young, old, or middle aged...get in touch with Anna if you want to die!
• ????????? - What do we call a guy who changes names more than I change underwear? For practical purposes, I will refer to "P. Diddy" by his real name which is Sean Combs. OK, here's the deal: Combs is on the verge of a lawsuit from a place in the U.K. for releasing his upcoming CD next month under the moniker, "Diddy". Visit MySpace.com to read his crap and how he's going to take on all of the U.K. for suggesting he violated copyright laws. Mr. smart ass Combs thinks he's hot shit, eh? Since he's following in the footsteps of Prince with changing names, all I can do is wish him the same luck as the man in purple. Which by the way, how many years has it been since you've heard a new song from Prince on the radio and actually remembered it? 'Nuff said. Visit Diddy's page on MySpace and suggest a new name for the guy. I've already picked "Squiddly Diddy" for the guy. Until later, ADIOS!

September 11th naysayers need a shoe straight up their ass!

America the beautiful. See, any horses ass can blow up a few buidings and kill 3000 people. All this means is that Allah said it's OK to kill whever in the Western World. Monday is indeed, September 11th. A Disney movie this evening suggests that all the world's problems are because of William Jefferson Clinton. His Secret Service guys had Osam Bin Laden in their crosshairs and gosh darnit, were too afraid to shoot the guy. Bill Clinton didn't want his reputation ruined because of Bin Laden, yet he had no problem with Monica Lewinski sucking his balls in the same place that Washington and Lincoln rubbed one another shoulder to shoulder. Yes, September 11th is here again for a five year memorial and they STILL haven't found Bin Laden. Shit, I found Waldo within his books in a matter of minutes. Let us reflect tonight on how our government failed us, and how we would kill the guy if he was in our crosshairs.

Tomorrow: "Patriot Day"???? What the FU#@ is that?

Premature Observation: Marshall Fields and Macy's

If Mr. Marshall Fields were alive today, he'd only live long enough to see Macy's Department Stores take over his Empire, then he would turn over and die again! Now that Marshall Field's locked the doors for the last time yesterday, consider yourselves all whores to New York and the Macy's name. With a hostile takeover such as this one similar to Adolf Hitler's reign of terror in Europe, all you can do this time is throw up a white flag and surrender! Personally, I don't really care. They say things will remain the same...that's good for me because I STILL can't shop there for a $15 pair of socks the way I could if it were still Marshall Fields. With the change comes all sorts of changes which may take some time to re-adjust to after nearly 120 years of having the same name. For instance, the big tree which has been a fixture in the State Street and Randolph store in Chicago forever, is pushing aside that tradition to make way for what is considered a "tradition" in New York. With the percentage of New Yorker's Jews, a large Hanukkah Bush will take the spot of the tree. Ironically, one of the all time Christmas favorites is Miracle on 34th Street, the first 90 minute infomercial where "Macy's" was by no means used sparingly. A young Natalie Wood and old Sebastian Cabbott as Santa Claus couldn't even figure out they were being prostituted for commercial purposes! Another bit of irony exists here... Apparently, this "classic" didn't quite do the job to get people to walk into the store. NOPE! They didn't just remake the movie once or twice, they remade it three times. The highlight of the second one as you may recall, pulled David Hartman away from his chair on "Good Morning America" in the FORGETTABLE 1970's remake. Now, people in Chicago are up in arms as is the case in those places were L.S. Ayres and Famous Barr changed over too. In Chicago, people shopped shoulder to shoulder during yesterday's final hours to purchase something, anything, with Marshall Field's name on it and then rushed home to immediately put these items on eBay. How would you like to spend $25 (starting bid) on a green paper shopping bag that you could have gotten for free had you gone to the store? Thank you Internet for making this possible. Too bad the Internet was still only an idea on paper when Kresge's, Venture, Woolworth's, Ben Franklin, and Montgomery Wards went belly up. I don't know about you, but I don't recall anyone cutting up their credit cards and sending them back with hate mail the way their doing now. So, for the time being, you may initially become confused when you decide to go shopping at Marshall Fields on a Sunday. The Macy's name is now owner of the "Field's" name. Imagine the confusion of taking the family to the old Field Museum which will soon be called the Macy's Museum. Finally, remember the only constant in life is "change". It wasn't even a decade ago that Macy's was about to file banfruptcy and sell out to a little store called "The Dollar Tree". So, to all the people who are mad as hell about shopping at Macy's, you may complain however, spend your $80 on a nice pair of jeans, or keep on boycotting the joint and maybe one day you can buy 5 pairs for $5 when Dollar Tree takes over or, in other words, quit bitchin1. Macy's hasn't cornered the market just yet!

101 Burros = 101 JACKASSES!

Now that the name switch is official, even before September 11th arrives, I have a message for the people who may have stumbled onto here thru a Yahoo! or Google search. You see, The Squealing Pig Worldwide shares a name with at least two watering holes in Boston and Denver. We are NOT connected with these dives. After doing some research online about these two dumps, I can tell you what you CAN'T expect from this Squealing Pig...

• Sure, dollar pitchers of Miller Lite are a bargain, but for these two bars a half pitcher of beer and another half of water is also a good deal ...for them!
• We're not going to go to Safeway or the A & P to pick up a dozen Tombstone pizzas and then comb the alleys behind Italian restaurants looking for empty pizza boxes with a fancy name so we can jack up the price and make you think you're getting the real McCoy. Hell, there's no pizza here at all!
• With this Squealing Pig you can use your own crapper when you gotta go. You don't have to worry about "hovering" over the toilet because you're worried about getting some kind of STD!
• We're not going to "Buddies for life". In other words, as the case may be with the two bars, we won't be doing shots of Rumplminze while I grab your girlfriend's breasts HOWEVER, if she's really that HOT, e-mail me a photo so I can put it on file for a rainy day.

Well, there you have it folks. We're not a bar...we're a blog. If you do happen to stop in at one of these places, make sure you shake all the roaches out of your clothes before you enter the house!

You Found Us!

Check us out September 11th 2006