"Welcome To The Sad, Sad World of Comedy"

The Geico gecco called their toll free number to get his job back...no luck. "The Beverly Hillbillies", "The Flintstones" and "Chatty Cathy" have taken over. Please find it in your hearts to show some pity on this lizard who wiggled his way into your hearts a few years ago for auto insurance. Gregory the gecco caught a lucky break when his Daddy (voice provided by Kelsey Grammar) jump started the whole thing. Dad was doing commercials non-union and that's when Gregory took things over. Oh yeah, this was a BIG deal for everyone involved until some pencil pusher at Geico decided it would be funny to have some stand-ins put on a caveman costume. As this idea produced several successful commercials, Gregory was left many miles south of the equator in Australia. He's spent all his money on Foster's Lager and testing age old myths such as, does the water REALLY move counter clockwise when you flush the toilet. The cavemen?

The commercials were such a hit that Geico approached all the television networks to possibly make a show revolved around these guys. ABC took the bait and promised it would be a big hit. Unfortunately for Disney/ABC, such nonsense doesn't fit in with the other nonsense they air...""Dancing With The Stars" and "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire". That caveman better enjoy his Australian lager while sitting in the hot tub. TV Guide has named this the worst show EVER! It's going to vanish quicker than David Copperfield on the run with a search warrant. That poor lizard needs to come back...will the dopes at Geico let him? More than likely, not.

Here's another project that asks Jerry Seinfeld, "What's the deal with taking a decade to create a new project?" Seinfeld said his goodbyes quite some time ago. He's said that retiring from his show means exactly that...He's RETIRED. Meanwhile, Jerry's wallet must be light as a feather. He's put out a few comedy CD's, DVD's, and he's done concerts too. I'd be remiss not to mention Season 9 of Seinfeld arriving on DVD November 7th (This has the famous Festivus episode and wraps up with the series finale). So, he's got the DVD thing going for him and his wife is also making her rounds promoting her new cookbook. Now, Jerry comes back in the spotlight with a new movie from Pixar called "Bee Movie". Being the perfectionist that he is, Jerry says he began writing this story for the movie during the second to last season of his show. In other words, his finishing the story late last year raises the bar on what types of movies are considered "worth paying $12 to see". OK, I'll cut the guy a little slack as he said the film was in honor of his kids BUT, don't expect Elaine, George, or Kramer to make a cameo. I say this "Bee" will make a buzz in theaters however, the buzz will be from the emergency exits as filmgoers storm out of the cineplex.

"Take This Muppet and STUFF IT"!

In my opinion, here's a piece of material that belongs in a bucket of soap to wash the car rather than a gift for a birthday or Christmas! ...There you have it. The Muppet by the name of Elmo. Have a kid? Elmo may have worked his way into your child's heart on Sesame Street but, he took his other arm and wiggled his way into your wallet.
My little girl Arianna is quick to become emotionally attached to whatever she watches on PBS. atWe've collected enough animals both plastic and stuffed, to open a museum. These "infatuations" are temporary, lasting only a few weeks. We've gone from cows to turtles to pigs. And now, with no thanks to PBS and Sprout we've entered the Elmo stage and it ain't pretty! One month shy of her second birthday, Arianna has ditched chocolate milk and cookies for champagne and caviar...in other words, A love for ANYTHING Elmo. At the rate this is going, we'll be applying for a credit card Macy's soon.
What the heck is wrong with Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, or Bert and Ernie? Not to mention Kermit, Grover and Cookie Monster? Arianna automatically chose the most expensive Muppet of them all! A "Tickle Me Elmo TMX" is going for $100 right now, as is every other incarnation of this fuzzy fool. Elmo sings the "Hokey Pokey", pees on a toilet, dances, buurps, farts...you name it. All this for $100 dollars! Meanwhile, the Cookie Monster doll that does the same thing is going for $16.00. What makes this character a good buddy of Donald Trump? I don't know either. One thing I do know is Elmo's gender has never been revealed and Elmo's puppeteer and voice is that of a black man. Back to Arie... she got her way and is going to trick or treat in a genuine Elmo suit on Halloween. Her birthday party is also going to have a, you guessed it, Elmo theme. I say, Elmo may as well pick up a gun and rob me. That furry thing has most of my money anyway! Yeah, I know. It's just a phase.

"...Whew! A lot of catching up to do" OR "There's no biz like show biz"

• We're making a big baseball slide into the new season of TSP Worldwide. A lot of crap has happened since the last posting but, you guessed it, some things never change. It seems as though substance abuse and alcohol are targeting all your favorites. Nothing new about Lindsay Lohan. Out of rehab and is said to be getting close to her sponsor in the 12 step program. ...Nevermind the fact that "the program" advises folks to hold back on new relationships for at least a year. ANYWAY, let's hit it.

I don't know if the famous illusionist named David Copperfield enjoys a glass of Brandy and a cigar after a successful show, but it's obvious that this guy gets the women. After making the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building and the Space Shuttle vanish, I'm guessing that even the long arm of Copperfield can't reach into his bag of tricks to make the sexual assault charges go away. Let's be honest here...Penn and Teller busted your balls years ago in Vegas. While Network News says you "allegedly" got together a woman, I advise you to stick with Chinese handcuffs and keep the wand undercover!

What a SHOCKER it was to hear about John Goodman's visit to rehab for what was "A battle that took place over many years" according to John. Hmmm. We don't know what ails the big guy. Drugs? Nope. Methinks Goodman stuck to a liquid diet of booze. This really comes as no surprise to his followers. How would you like to work on a popular sitcom with Roseanne Barr who later brings in her dim-witted husband with no television experience to boss you around? Goodman struggled to the series finish. The last few episodes saw a bloated Goodman sweating like a pig. This can also be seen in his supporting roles in "Raising Arizona" and "The Big Lebowski". In the end, Goodman wiggled his way into the Blues Brothers and managed to throw a gutter ball and derail the Blues Brothers future with a forgetable performance in "Blues Brothers 2000". Dry out John!

Britney Spears has been a hot topic for much of 2007. Is she a drunk? A druggie? Maybe just a little nuts?! The family intervened with no luck. She's ready to crash and burn, refuses help, refuses rehab, and enjoys toying with those following her for a photo op. Sure, she lost custody of her kids and is putting up a helluva fight to get them back. She was a half an hour late showing up for her court date last week and drove over a photographer's foot while trying to flee the scene. The drugs and depression and whatever the hell else she has, has turned this blonde superstar into a KFC, McDonald's, and Burger King junkie. Britney loves to parade around onstage half naked... Put some clothes on silly girl. I'm tired of looking at your belly and big ass. Also last week, Britney enjoyed a lip implant at a Beverly Hills clinic. Shaved head, tattoos, piercing, and plastic surgery? What's next? I'm almost afraid to ask.

Youtube wasn't too nice to David Hasselhoff after posting the drunk former "Baywatch" star slithering across his kitchen floor shirtless, and trying to dine on a Wendy's hamburger. His daughter taped his antics which later surfaced on the Web. Feeling ashamed, Hasselhoff went on television to proclaim his sobriety. The German popstar assured everyone that this was a time to forget about the past and focus on the future. Several weeks later, David was refused a boarding pass for a flight headed to London because flight attendants suspected Hasselhoff was intoxicated. A press release followed days later from David saying he's returning to rehab "for the final time". OK.

Finally, Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi fame lost his wife, Heather Locklear over a catfight with excercise guru Denise Richards. A long delay in recording led to a stint in rehab for Sambora. Upon release of their new album and concert tour, Richie exited rehab and was ready to go... That was until a guest appearance on "Saturday Night Live" a few weeks ago where John Bon Jovi guest hosted and during the opening monologue called upon Sambora who was seated in the audience. Richie had only three words to read off the teleprompter and by gum, he screwed up. The slurring and laughing were a dead giveaway.

Check the UPC codes!

Oops! Somebody goofed today's blog. If you read it earlier, please send it back as soon as you can!

"Return of The Ailing Pig"!!! ..Let's hope.

Hospital Rules 101

God bless all the Doctors and Nurses at St. Margaret Mercy Hospital who managed to F*%$ UP what I thought was an overnight visit and turn it into an adventure. All I needed was a safari hat. You know, before they do anything to you, they have to shoot you up with lots of dope. Within the next 30 minutes you will be bombarded by all kinds of hospital staffers who will introduce themselves and expect you to remember names. When someone asks, "Who did this to you?" never say that it was an Indian Doctor...You see, that hurts their feelings because Pakistan, Afghanastan and Israel are not geographically related on the map.

Here's one thing you SHOULD do: Whatever may fit into your suitcase, stuff it in. Heck, you paid for it anyway. Soap, shampoo, and all the way down to the bedspread. If the television weren't bolted to the wall, that would be going with me too.

After six weeks literally tied to the bed, I noticed one thing: A hospital is a place much like this planet used to be. Blacks, Whites, Arabs, Indians, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Germans, Hispanics and a few Polish women to get the floors spic and span and clean the crapper. Yeah, there was a lot of backstabbing and talking behind one another's back amongst themselves but hey, in the end everyone got along well. Matter of fact, there was so much love in the air (people that loved their jobs as well as their co-workers) that it's a shame the hospital roof can't open up to let some of the good stuff loose. As for their medical wisdom...that is somewhat of a different story.