In the spotlight today: The 2006 World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals!

If you like The Cubs, you hate these guys. If you like The Sox, you probably like that these guys made dopes of The Cubs yet again. OK, they've won pennants many times under Tony LaRussa but now they've done it again 24 years later in a "Brand Spankin' New" Bush Stadium. All that was missing was the late Jack Buck up in the booth doing PBP. Sorry, his kid Joe isn't the same. Harry Carey is probably looking down and smiling too. Before he came to Chicago to work for The Sox and The Cubs, he was an announcer for for The Cardinals. In Fantasy Baseball in my head, I want The Sox and The Cards in the World Series a year from now. I'd be happy no matter who won. Go Cards!

"Andy who? Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry!", "Koombuya U2",amd "Going a little too far!"

• Happy Friday to one and all! I've taken the afternoon off from stalking Hillary Duff and her boyfriend to dig up the scoop on today's Really Big Entertainment News! So, let's get right to it.
• Ever hear the saying, "Srew me once, shame on you...srew me twice, shame on me"? Cashing his chips in almost five years to the day of his return to the original line-up of British Pop Group Duran Duran, guitarist Andy Taylor has stormed out of the group again and he left PISSED! Oh yeah, history DOES repeat itself...this is proof. After leaving the group in the mid 1980's at the bands peak of popularity, Mr. Taylor got a bit of an ego and convinced himself that Duran Duran would implode without him in it. In a way, he was right. Not long after he left, others did too. A few would return and leave over the next few years that followed. Clearly, the groups "revolving door policy" prevented them from finding a record label and they went on hiatus...kind of. They ended up doing County Fairs and Bah Mitzvahs. Around the end of the 90's they tried again and had a hit record with "Come Undone". I even got to see them at an invitation only performance at U.S. Cellular Field taped for a VH-1 special. Where was Andy Taylor during this time? At home doing the math with the numbers he got from his one and only solo record which I purchased as a cutout from Best Buy for a buck. So bad it was, if not for feeling too silly, I'd have taken the damn thing back for a refund. Taylor wanted to go "Rockin' and Rolling" on his CD that I admit to still owning. Dressed in leather with sunglasses and slicked back hair, it was Bono way before Bono. Imagine Bono singing Billy Idol and that's what you get with "Thunder" (p.s. the Japs loved it). All was forgiven after awhile and he rejoined. Now, he's at it again. As the group is midway through recording a new CD produced by Justin Timberlake and Rod Stewart, he's out again and mad that the group outvoted him on his suggestion that they go rock. So, he took his ball and went home, but not before insisting that his guitar playing get lifted from the finished tracks. Look for his next project in a cutout bin at a Best Buy near you soon. I think it's safe to say that in future Trivial Pursuits, the only Andy Taylor questions in the game will be involving the Sheriff of Mayberry!
• "It's a Beautiful Day" - A good U2 song from a few years back is taking on a new life along with the rest of their music. They're not going to be used in a credit card commercial, or an ad for Volkswagon. Nope, if you want to hear Bono, Edge, and the others perform live,
  
  
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  you won't get to see them HOWEVER, scope out an Epescipol church and take to the front row...it's free. Apparently, they're taking drastic measures in the church to try and get the young people to come to services on Sundays. They claim that the music of U2 is "spiritual, uplifting, and religious because Bono never curses and likes to write songs which point out areas considered political and historical milestones". Wow! Did these guys know what they were doing their whole career? Jesus has these guys on his iPod and gave the church a thumbs up and seal of approval?! Supposedly, their music can be heard in churches all around the U.S. and Canada. I think it's a good idea but, what's up next, Josef Islam (formerly Cat Stevens from the 1970's)? His songs were spiritual too. "Peace Train", "Wild World" and others. How about "Dear God" by XTC? You know, I call being an Episcipalean the same as being Catholic. To compare the two is like comparing Miller Genuine Draft to Miller Lite...basically the same thing but being an Episcopal has 50% less guilt than Catholics. Meanwhile, in the Catholic Church, we'll never get past the music already there. Adding lyrics to the music of Bach and Beethoven. If it ever crosses the line soon, I think Pope Benedict should start out slowly. Maybe begin with showtunes like Fiddler on the Roof or Cats. In any case, I think it'll be a while before we hear an Ozzy tune upon our exiting the church after mass.
• Finally, some thoughts on Nicole Ritchie. She always played second fiddle to Paris Hilton, they had a fight, and yadda yadda yadda, it came to an end a couple months ago. Now, I truly do feel sorry for Lionel's adopted daughter despite the fact that she's been on drugs and has appeared nude in some very naughty photos doing naughty things to herself. Fact is, when Nicole burst onto the scene a few years ago with Paris on The Surreal Life, standing next to Paris made the gruesome twosome look like Laurel and Hardy. Jokes and gossip in the tabloids were calling the kid "fattie Ritchie". So, after hanging up the phone with the one Olsen twin, it was time to starve and that she did. Now some 75 lbs later, she eats again like a horse but doesn't gain any weight. It's almost like Stephen King's Thinner on DVD where a fat guy gets cursed to where he can't get a reading on his digital scale. Now Nicole is hospitalized as some of the best Dieticians money can buy are stumped with this one. All I have to say is this. Making it clean as I can, Who ever suggested that oral sex was ever in one of the four food groups? Good luck there Nikki. I'll send some White Castle's out to California for you!
  
  

"Halloween Havoc", "Who's crazier, Madonna or Oprah?", and a bar of Irish Spring for Rush's filthy mouth"

• "Holy Cripes! It's the Great Potato Charlie Brown!" -Here's an interesting little bit of information taken from the news that you can put to good use for bar bets or an ice-breaker with someone you just met at Chili's. The morning news stations like to have their college interns look up trivia questions that they display and then make you wait until the end of the show for the answer (FOX entices viewers to phone in a text message or call a 900 number that's two bucks a pop). The other day the question was asked about the origins of Halloween and what was originally used as decorations other than pumpkins. I had to stick around for the answer just for the heck of it. So they say, Halloween was meant to be a silly day of non-stop shenanigans and pranks and was originated in Ireland before going through a number of changes upon arriving here. For whatever reason you see, pumpkins can't grow there so they used eggplants and potatos. These things can grow in Ireland's soil...why not a pumpkin? What's so special? Anyway, I think the person that looked up this "factoid" was pulling a fast one on the newsteam. Only goes to show you that these people don't read what they're going to say ahead of time before they go on the air. How in the hell does one "carve" a potato or eggplant? If this is possible, I put this story in with the guy that puts passages from The Bible on the head of a pin and send it off to the Ripley's museum.
• Dammit! "She's made up her mind and she's keeping the baby" - In a classic "One hand washes the other" scenario, I guess Madonna owed Oprah a big favor for something for appearing via satellite from Africa a few days this week. Madonna is now a trend setter. Angelina Jolie doesn't count because she's cautious about who she talks to. If you're white and have the bucks, go to a third world country and pick yourself up a little black kid preferably ill or starving to death, and the more diseases the better. HIV is always a guarantee to get the kid off the lot and into your home today. So, Madonna didn't choose to talk about this with a reputable newsperson such as Barbara Walters. Instead she picked the hooting and hollering animals/women that make up Oprah's audience. Madonna doesn't need a baby at 48 years old. She's looking tired and worn out and has that awful British accent which was done better by Mike Meyer's in Austin Powers. So, the kid's pappy didn't know what this was all about. He got hoodwinked. Stepping off her private jet, this guy thought she would take care of the boy, get some meat on his bones, and send him to Harvard one day so he can go back home. He had no idea who Madonna was except for the fact that she had a suitcase full of Euro's. Before carting the kid off she gave the shaken man the entire catalogue of her CD's. He took them and scratched his head in confusion. It was a nice gift for someone who doesn't know what music is, who Madonna is, what a stereo and CD player are, or what a CD is! Hell, this guy hopes for a rainy day so he can put out a bucket to collect rainwater to drink and she thinks he's going to load up her songs into his iPod. She told Oprah that she's going to take good care of the boy and Oprah and her audience yelled, screamed, applauded, and cried like babies because of Madonna's heart of gold. Oprah is always so touched and full of emotion over stories like this that it makes me sick! I want to know why Oprah just wants to sit in her chair and toss softball questions to her guests and then end the show by telling the guest that they're such a big inspiration. If words amounted to anything, Oprah's ass kissing would have her dressing room filled with dozens of hanging Nobel Peace Prizes. I say, Madonna should stay in the UK, and Oprah should quit talking and start doing. Why not Oprah go to Africa and purchase a couple dozen kids with HIV and be Momma to them?
• Finally, Rush Limbaugh should be farting bubbles like The Lawrence Welk Show if only someone had made him wash his filthy mouth out with a bar of Irish Spring. the other day. The supposedly clean and sober ex Oxycontin junkie would make one wonder if he's back on the pills after accusing Michael J. Fox of not taking his medication anymore for his worsening Parkinson's Disease. At question was Fox's appearance in several political ads aimed at stem cell research. Limbaugh said he was skeptical about Fox's current condition because it seemed like good acting. He then suggested if it wasn't an act, Fox must have quit taking his medication weeks in advance of the commercials to make it seem like he was in genuinly bad shape. The ads showed Fox speaking and the whole while through was anxious, twitching, shaking and trembling. I saw one of the ads and unfortunately, his disease has progressed to the point where it's almost painful to watch him as he struggles to keep it together...not an acting job as Limbaugh suggested. He later apologized after a few hundred people called his "EIB Radio Network" to bitch. What a joke! Even Howard Stern wouldn't stoop as low. Rush, you better put down the pills and go back to rehab. You're talking like a junkie again!
  
  

"The year without a Santa Claus","Fun with quarters" and "The Colonel's makeover"

• Sorry Kids...no more Santa. It seems as though while the jolly fat man works hard all year for December 25th, he got himself into a little trouble with the IRS for not paying property taxes on his suburban Chicago home. He's now left town as well as a nearly $200,000 debt. If you haven't heard the news, Santa's Village in East Dundee, IL just had it's "Everything must go!" sale today. Everything from the urinals in the men's room, to the rickety old roller coasters, and even Santa's Fruit of the Looms were put up for auction. One of the roller coasters sold for over $300,000! Hey geniuses...All you had to do is sell that one thing and you'd have your money so you could stay open! It was a tame place that was kid friendly. According to one of the property owners, places such as Six Flags with roller coasters that reach the stratosphere and go around 100 mph are more fun. I say, they're deadly the way they turn you upsidedown and cause you to pass out and poop in your pants as well as coughing up your lunch. Hey, have you ever heard of someone getting killed at Santa's Village? It's impossible considering their tallest roller coaster reached a staggering 7 feet tall and traveled at 3 mph. Well, Wal-Mart has already shown interest in the property. The only ride there will be the parents pushing their kids in the shopping carts. Yes, yours truly popped in for a visit with Santa one summer day in 1970. All I got that day was this picture. All Santa got was a lap full of pee after scaring the b'jesus out of me. Do I remember that day? Nope. The photos however, make it look like a fun place. Oh well, you can never have enough Wal-Marts or Applebee's. Not to worry though...search The Web and you'll discover more than a dozen other Santa's Villages across America. When planning your vacation for next year, watch the kids eyes light up when you tell them no Disney this time...we're going to California to see Santa. Needless to say, much of the history being sold today was snatched up by owners of the other amusement parks. Some things were bought by collectors who will now have happy neighbors once they look out the kitchen window and see a roller coaster.
• "Hey Mom, can I have a quarter to try and win the kid inside the crane game?" Sure, that's how it happened at an undisclosed Wisconsin store over the weekend. Some kids went shopping with Grandma and were being a pain in the ass like most kids are, Grandma gave each of the kids a couple bucks to "get lost for awhile" at the front of the store where all the video games and the infamous crane game sat alongside the wall. Another kid tugged on his Mom's coat to tell her about the kid inside the plexiglass box with the crane. Yup, there he was sitting in a pile of stuffed animals happy as a clam. A call to 911 resulted in the arrival of the police and fire department which didn't do any good. You see, nobody had a key to the lock, and they weren't able to break the glass. Making matters worse, the manufacturer was out in California. The police then slipped the toddler some tools and some handy instructions on how to get himself out. The kid did it. After a few hours he was free and put David Blaine to shame while Grandma clutched her chest and needed oxygen. So what was so important that the youngster had to climb through a one way opening and get trapped? A stuffed Spongebob Squarepants that he had to have. When all the excitement came to a close, the little whippersnapper walked out the door empty handed and with a spanking from Grandma. Grandma wasn't let off the hook either. The kid's Mom told her that because of her carelessness, she would now be "dead to her". Now, those crane games are a ripoff anyway because the hook never picks anything up. What's more, that toy he was after was made in China. Someone should have grabbed that Spongebob and just given it to the kid. Anyone that would get themselves in a dilly of a pickle like that deserves it if only for the effort!
• Remember when KFC changed it's name baxk to Kentucky Fried Chicken last year? That lasted only a little while before they went back to KFC. Now, they're playing around with the Colonel himself...again. The four examples above are some of the images that have appeared on the chicken bucket. Surprisingly, as time goes on, Sanders is getting visably younger. In two or three years we may see the Colonel with a bad dye job, clean shaven, and wearing contacts. Who's in charge of marketing over there? This is like McDonald's retooling Ronald McDonald and dropping the clown thing without the makeup and silly suit. He'd look like "Napolean Dynamite" and that would make me defect to Arby's.

"Goofy" leaves Disney, Mean Mr. Mustard, and No nukes are good nukes.

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You want it? You got it...Another "No Holds Barred" edition of The Pig. Away we go...

• Goofy has worked it's way from Disneyland and Disneyworld to the theme parks that carry the "Six Flags" moniker. All twenty-something of them. In a sign that we're edging closer to the Communism of the old Soviet Union, Six Flags is now going to be in control of the way you dress and the way you talk when visiting one of their parks starting next year. Suppose you dress in a shirt that says "I'm with stupid". They'll make you turn it inside out, go to the car for another shirt, or get kicked out. There are no flip flops or open toe sandals allowed there anymore either. It's too dangerous they say. The bottom line is, when you go to one of their struggling amusement parks in the future, dress as if you're going to church. You may even want to consider carrying a Bible with you too! While Disney is focusing on getting rid of all the junk food at their parks, Six Flags is mad that your shirt says, "F*** You"! Also, before visiting Six Flags, brush your teeth real good and grab a bar of Irish Spring. You'll need that too. Employees are told not to allow profane language. It's a family place now. Is this going to make me rush over to Gurnee? Hell no. First of all, I haven't been there for almost 20 years. In other words, I can live without the place another 20 or more. You heard it here first folks...in a few years Great America will be home to a Wal-Mart, Target and TGI Fridays.
• Sir Paul has got his tits in the wringer with his soon to be Ex-Wife Heather. Seems as though Sir Paul's being knighted a few years ago hasn't slowed down his rowdy lifestyle that first came to light at the end of The Beatles reign on the music charts. What does this legless woman have against Paul other than the fact he's filthy rich and she's not? Finger pointing and plenty of it. She says, allegedly, that Paul is an alcoholic who has beat her, punched holes in the walls, and even attacked her with a half broken wine bottle to the throat. When not in a stuper, Paul was using drugs heavily, and not just smoking pot. She labels Paul as a "physically and verbally abusive mean man". Meanwhile, nobody's grilling this broad who was clueless who The Beatles were when she met Paul. "Did you play bars or something? Are you mad you never got a record deal?" she asked. What followed was justified. She was adding up all of Paul's assets in her head and pretending to be a big dope. It was only fitting that Paul took off her artificial legs and whacked her upside the head to teach her a lesson. Afterall, You'd have to be bound and gagged in a locked closet for 20 years not to know The Beatles. This scam wasn't even worthy of being called "pulling a fast one". Nope. This scam was powered on rocket fuel. Stress? You betcha! All that may be left is Ringo when this is over.
• Here's a question for President Bush and Connie Rice: Since when does testing an alternate power source involve detonating nuclear missiles. We keep hearing from Washington that if North Korea conducts another test, there will be "serious consequences" for that country however, no economic sanctions...Huh? This is where you're supposed to start. This Communist Nation is already in a serious state of turmoil. 80% of workers salaries are taken by the government. People, mainly children and the elderly drop dead in the streets while the hard working citizens of North Korea are spending the majority of their income on military projects. I say to Bush and Rice, quit pussyfooting around and don't even bother to negotiate something. You're only wasting valuable time. Maybe if that whole nation starves to death, they'll realize they've made a big mistake. Otherwise, in another year, the Middle East will meet with an angry North Korea and walk away with nuclear weapons that will most certainly be used against the U.S.

Who's career is still on track?

After a week or so of glitches, The Squealing Pig is back. This is only a test run that will now include audio clips, and in the future will have video clips. This month, I'm using a common theme. I've got photos of ICP, K-Fed and Mr. T. The common thread is that all three are 'Rasslin wannabe's who have appeared on WWE television. To make this short and to the point...ICP are two Hellraisers that don't give a rat's ass about who thinks what. Their song appears at the play button at the right hand corner of the page. They're from Detroit, friends of Howard Stern, and they rock and rap and get arrested. Kind of like KISS on training wheels. Yeah, they call Detroit home too along with Kid Rock, Bob Segar and others.

Kevin Federline (K-Fed) or Mr. Britney Spears to you, thank you very much, proved two things on Monday night while appearing as a guest on USA Network's Monday Night RAW: 1) We all know that professional wrestling is scripted, so why pull this Eminem clone out of the audience and pretend he's good frirnds with heels "Johnny Nitro" and "Marlena"? 2) The stadium full of "F you" chants and "You suck" were truly genuine when Federline offered to perform a track from his upcoming Halloween CD release. This guy is just poor, white trash.

Finally, I pity the fool that takes the advice that Mr. T gives to heart. OK, I admit. This is sort of a guilt pleasure to sit and watch on Wednesday nights. What a difference that 29 lbs of gold makes once removed from around the neck of "T"! So, now he'd genuine and a people person? Yeah right. TV Land may be able to pat themselves on the back considering all the buzz that has gone along with the show however, you think Mr. T gives a damn about you? Hell no. As long as the check clears from a half hour of his shenanigans, he'll be happy. TV Land will be happy too...that goes without saying.

In the Spotlight: Don't call him "Puff" or "Puff Daddy", or "P. Diddy". He's "Diddy" and I broke his balls...

http://www.myspace.com/diddy
Date:
Oct 13 2006 9:52 PM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
Chicago visit
Body:
I think I need to clarify what was a misunderstanding while you visited with our Mayor Richard Daley. True, today was declared "Diddy Day". Our Mayor was surprised to see you and didn't know who you were, which is why he kept mispronouncing your name. What the Mayor heard his staff say was that today was going to ne proclaimed "Tittie Day" which was why he was licking his chops. He did tell the Chicago Sun-Times that he prefers Hank Williams Sr.

In The Spotlight Today: Geraldo Rivera

God bless Geraldo. He's a trooper. He's also a bandit who's staff loves to swipe stories off the Internet and Blogs. How do I know? I think it happened to me. Breaking News can be found here. Tune into Geraldo at Large two days after my post and Geraldo says everything I say almost verbatim. OK Geraldo, here's your chance to make things right. Kick all your interns in the ass and send them back home to Momma. Because I'm a nice guy, I'm not going to rip that cheesy mustache off your face. If I knew I was working for you, I'd ask to be put on the payroll. This is it. Make me a correspondent or bother some other sap. Anyway, I don't care if Barbara Walters sat on your lap for her Birthday. Quite frankly, it's a little too disgusting to even paint a picture in my mind.

"What is THE BIG WHEEL for $500?", "New death into old flicks", and "Bono Jovi?"

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  Q: "Almost anything is better in HDTV" True or False? A: Maybe, unless it's a friggin' game show that's only so-so on a 12" B&W. Why is it then that I must dish out $4000 to see Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy in Hi Def? I hate to tell the Japs that ship us these things, if you're going to sell these things like hotcakes, you might want to talk about some of the stronger points of what you can expect when you hook the damn thing up and plug it in. Alex Trebek isn't going to make me run to Circuit City for anything and geez, I wouldn't even let him influence me to pick up the phone and call for Blue Cross and Blue Shield life insurance that he pitches in commercials. Besides making Trebek's face crystal clear and appear as the surface of the moon, and the crow's feet and bags around and under Vanna White's eyes, what's the big deal? Vanna keeps hinting at a retirement soon. If she sees herself in HD, she might start packing her bags and heading back to Myrtle Beach . I say, there's six Star Wars movies available and plenty of other programs on television that should shout out "hip, hip, hooray" for the crystal clear picture you get with HD. All you get here is an older Alex, an older Vanna, and a bigger head on the shoulders of Pat Sajak.
• Zombie wakes up two dead horror franchises in time for Halloween 2007. The former White Zombie founder and frontman who later went solo, and more recently Directed two "B" horror flicks that went straight to video, just acquired the Halloween and Friday the 13th movie franchises. What does this mean? Considering there are God knows how many sequels of each, he can now do with them as he pleases. He can chop the hell out of them and slice them and dice them anyway he wants. He can also remake them all, OR he can make new ones to add to the collection. Whatever he chooses, they will be finished in "Blood-o-Rama". It's important to note that from part 2 of both films, they were on a downhill slide. As it finished a couple years ago, Halloween was a disaster with L.L. Cool J as the main character on the run. As for Friday the 13th, after killing astronauts on a space station, Jason returned to Earth to kill with his partner in crime, Freddie Kreuger. This is good you see, there's a few dozen horror movies that are really terrible that comes out every year. Even if a few hundred people total see these things, there's always a bunch of sequels. Rob is going to make money doing whatever he wants the movie rights, keep making records and music videos, and still have time leftover to sing in the church choir on Sunday. He may not look typical of the friend you invite over to sit with the family at Thanksgiving, but Dad will love him because he's greasy and dirty with bloody knuckles. These indicate a hard working guy and there you have Rob.
• Bono Jovi? - Guess who's tugging on Bono's leather jacket from behind? None other than Jon Bon Jovi. These two guys are now going to be slugging it out over who might be the better humanitarian. Jon has had a passion for building new homes for those with bad luck be it, loss of a job or losing their home in a hurricane, fire, or flood. Bon Jovi who also owns the Arena Football League's Philly, PA team is kicking his generosity into high gear after appearing on Oprah just one month ago. Holding Habitat For Humanity close to his heart, Jon went to work right away when former President Jimmy Carter gave him a call for help after passing on Bono. "Have you seen Bono's work?" asked Mr. Carter. "Shoddy. A rush job. The houses looked as if some 8th graders did them in wood shop!" In addition, Bono didn't know which end of the hammer to use to hit the nail, and wouldn't remove his sunglasses no matter what." On the other end, Bon Jovi seems to know his way around the Home Depot and gets in there, rolls up his sleeves, and goes to work however, Bon Jovi's vision may be just that. He wants to rebuild a decaying Philly and has already put the plan in motion. First thing to do before the houses is to start with the sandwich shops that use Cheese Wiz on the Philly steaks. That aerosol can is full of CFC's which damage the ozone layer. Jon is advising they use Kraft American Cheese slices as an alternative. That step may take the most convincing to succeed. To Jon I say, Good Luck. To show how serious he is, visit Bon Jovi's website and see how much information you can view...NONE. You must now pay just to enter. Of course, the money goes towards Jon's project. Any new CD's for the boys? A box set which chronicles their history. Jon's gonna be tied up for the next decade or so in areas other than recording music.

"Intersection", "The great pick me ups", and "Smashing bad pumpkins"

• Doin' my job "Old Style" before catching up with "Jack, Jim, and Jose" - In today's abbreviated post I take a look at a few things that even YOU can feel free to discuss at the water cooler on Friday! Hey, somewhere up in Northern Illinois earlier this week an elderly man dressed as a crossing guard was lying face down in the street with a car stopped a few feet away from the man. A woman taking the kids to school sees what's going on and immediately pulls out the phone to call the cops assuming the stopped car in the middle of the street hit the man. The woman in the car closest to the man frantically tries to talk her way out of the situation to bystanders. She never hit the guy! She gives the same story to the cops while EMT's arrive and turn the guy over who is still breathing. They attempt to have his car towed while he goes to the hospital and come across a mountain of beer cans on the passanger side floorboard. Well, at the ER the police get the news and have staffers administer a breathalizer test. As suspected, the old guy was reporting to work intoxicated. He would have been helping school kids cross a busy street while being OVER four times the legal limit in Illinois. Nobody hit the guy. He just staggered into the street at 6:30 AM and fell face first orange vest, stop sign and all. Needless to say, upon being discharged a few days later, his job had been filled. Parents are still outraged that cops had no legal grounds for a DUI although, he did pick up several tickets anyway. I Think my mentioning this is punishment enough for the guy. Here's to ya!
• You know who "Matthew Lesko" is? He's the annoying guy with television commercials filmed around the U.S. Capital. He wears red framed glasses and wears a neon green suit covered with question marks like "The Riddler". While he hops and jumps around like he's got ants in his pants, he tells us about all the things the government can give us for free (ONLY if you pay the $30 for his book). Now everyone...he's expanding to other areas. One of his little secrets he says, is if you play your cards right you can get free coffee at Starbucks for life! (Didn't Kramer get this deal on "Seinfeld" when he settled a lawsuit for spilling hot coffee?). Now, Fox News was supposed to give away the secret you need to do this however, a good magician never reveals how the trick was done. Mmmkay, you can get pretty much anything for free if you just slip and fall, grab your back and scream, and threaten to call your attorney. Think about this carefully, do some planning in advance, and you can pretty much avoid paying for anything, ANYWHERE. I didn't watch Fox long enough to see the whole trick. I'm more concerned about cocaine.
• "Cocaine". is now a brand name that has an "R" inside of a circle. It's a drink that can be found in the 7-11 refrigerator next to "Red Bull". There's no age requirement for this new drink however, the name alone is making some places nervous about selling this stuff to kids and it could result in a misunderstanding typical of "Three's Company" when parents ask, "Hey Junior, what do you have there?"and Junior replies, "Oh nothing. Just Cocaine". Remember "Jolt" Cola in the 1980's? nobody liked that name either because kids were buying it, and God knows they don't need a can of soda equal in caffeine to five cups of coffee. "Jolt" is still out there in certain places if you look long and hard enough. "Red Bull" is everywhere and advertises as well as sponsor sporting events. I don't think you'll be seeing this happen with "Cocaine", which is supposed to be 10x stronger than The Bull. What they fail to realize is that these things are used primarily as mixers in bars and clubs and not The World's Strongest Man competitions on ESPN. I must get some Cocaine just for the novelty.
• Finally, heeeeere's Halloween. It seems there's always got to be something to spoil the fun each year, Blame it on the guy who makes the weather. Pumpkins were picked especially early this year because well, you can't count on the weather for anything lately. It wasn't your imagination. Pumpkins really were up for sale in September at grocery stores and farmstands. For people who look forward to this orange mess full of goop for cooking and baking, you've probably already gutted the suckers and pulled out the slimy, seedy inside to make your cakes and pies. If you're like me, you say ,"Who the @*&! cares?!" Let's face it, people ran out to get these to carve and seeing they were starting to go bad, already carved them up. Now they're really going bad and are a day or two from hitting the trash. Will you get another one? Don't be stupid! There's plenty of other "round" things to carve. If you can still find a good one, how about a melon? Cantaloupe, honeydew, musk, water. How about a potato or coconut? Think small this year and do a grapefruit or orange. If you're really talented, carve a lime like they do in that Corona Beer commercial, Lastly, you can be like me and close the blinds and turn off the lights and pretend nobody's home!
  
  
  

"Chicago's 1st Hurricane Hits" and "Foley's Boxers on eBay"

• The fallout after the blowout - Dateline 10/2/06 Reprinted from The Chicago Bugle: Chicago (AP) - Chicago area residents are exiting their homes this morning to head to work, only to find 100 year old oak trees and in some cases, their roofs laying on their carss and front lawns. Severe storms ripped through Northern Illinois dumping 5" of rain in a few hours. Winds howled at gusts clocked more than 75 mph and knocked down power lines leaving several hundred thousand ComEd users in the dark for hours. This weather event, the worst in nearly a decade, has forced many to leave their homes. Refrigerators hold nothing but spoiled food and the tap water is unsafe to drink. Area creeks, rivers and streams are expected to crest this weekend several feet above flood stage. A woman who took time out from the cleanup to talk to us but chose not to give her name remarked, "It's was the wosest I ever seen. I looked out and said Lordy...don't take the place I stay. The eye of the hurricane passed, but then we had some mo!" OK, obviously not in the paper however, someone did make that statement to FOX news Chicago. This is one for the record books, and I'm not talking about the rain, hail, wind and everything else. To think that a hurricane formed right over Chicago and swirled it's way out to sea has NEVER happened until now. Everything happened so fast that there wasn't any time for the people at NOAA hurricane tracking to come up with a name. So, for the first time since they started naming storms in the 1930's, I suppose this will go in the books nameless.
• Which is worse? - Because of all the scams and claims of racism after Katrina, people are more quick than ever to look at every option there is to make money off an "Act of God". A microburst is said to have been behind several collapsed buildings and warehouses SW of the city. Other things that went along with this storm was the hail and damage it caused to cars and windows. A 1000 or so trees either snapped in half or flew through the air to end up through someone's roof. While all this was going on, television reporters went to a bad part of town to talk to people there who had an axe to grind because a tree limb wasnt yet lifted off the hood of their car two hours after the storm was over. A few people suggested that because of their race and where they live, Chicago is giving them a screw job and shuffling them to the bottom of the deck while making million dollar homes top priority. Complaints over no power and spoiled food. Water in the basement. A broken window or two on the house. Yep, you all have it rough! Contact the Governor's office and he can contact Washington. Disaster area? These places have already been that for thirty years. Tell you what...since your family came up North after Katrina for help, why not go down there now because nobody will come out and fix your window on your front door? Maybe if enough people go, you'll at least get a $100 gift card to Target for the "inconvenience". Ssshhh! Quiet! Don't look for a handout. This was only a thunderstorm! Get over it!
• What about Sen. Ted Kennedy? - What's up with this Congressman Mark Foley and his secret life? Yeah, there was his admission of guilt and what he did was unnacceptable if he's working on taxpayers time or not. It just wasn't right either. Kind of like Nancy Reagan's catchphrase of the 80's still used today..."Just say no to Drugs". Imagine her being a guest speaker to a bunch of kids, saying her famous quote, and then afterwards going backstage to shoot up heroin? Same thing this Foley has done. At first, he claimed a drinking problem caused his clouded judgement. He resigned from his Post to go to rehab and then they said, "OK, now that we have that out of the way, what else?" Oh yeah, he forgot to mention his mention his mental illness. "Anything else?" They ask him. "Yes, one more thing I forgot...I'm homosexual." Hmmm. As they head out the door Foley screams out, "Wait! Did I mention the Priest at my church that molested me on a regular basis when I was a kid?!" ...And that was that at least for now. Bottom line: Anything you may do illegally can easily be swept under the rug when your trump card includes sexual abuse by a Priest. I still want to know about Ted Kennedy. Mark Foley had personal problems and now he's history. Kennedy DOESN'T? Ha!

"Dusty in the wind", "Silly Cubs fans", "Rock a bye baby" and "He's one too!"

WOW! What a day for BREAKING NEWS! If you live in or around Chicago, you know what I mean. Without any delay, let's get right to it...

• The Night They Drove Old Dusty Down - A big stormcloud has been swirling over Wrigley Field for the last 24 hours as a major realighnment of the Chicago Cubs gets underway after a usual last place finish for the season. The Tribune Company which owns the ball club have already advised the top brass that this next manager should be hand picked with money being no object. Well, before they open up their checkbooks to find a cure for Cubthritis that has afflicted the team for it's entire existance...maybe letting Dusty go so soon wasn't such a good idea. If there's a mountain of money available, here's an idea: Spend it on some new players that will stick around to play more than a month. Is it really Dusty's fault that after playing only a few weeks at a time some key players got shelved with injuries for the rest of the season? Hey, you can only do so much with what you have. Yes, a bunch of crippled people on a baseball field will guarantee a last place finish. Don't cry any tears for Dusty however, there's already talk that his suitcases are on a plane headed back to San Francisco where he came from. Meanwhile, look for Johnny woo-woo to take over in the interim.
• That brings me to this...baseball in Chicago is over, but I have my own idea for a new baseball jersey replica for the Cub fan on your Christmas list (shown above). Reporters gathered in front of old Wrigley Field today to ask teary eyed fans what they think about today's news. A few said they were upset, but most said they didn't care who's going to fill Dusty's size 11's next. Nope. It doesn't matter. They'll bask in the hot summer sun in the bleachers shirtless and drinking Budweiser no matter where the Cubs are in the standings. Right. The World Champion (for a few weeks yet) White Sox? After the best attendance record ever, let's see how many of next year's games are sellouts. Remember the Chicago Bulls of the 1990's where people would give their unborn child for a ticket even if your head was bumping the roof of the United Center? In 2005, they were going five for ten bucks courtside! The moral here? Obviously the Cub fans are going to Wrigley to party. Everywhere else, the people are going for the game.
• Too strong for Cheech and Chong? - I was just telling myself the other day that it's been quite some time since George Michael has been in the news. I thought, maybe he finally got his act together. I knew he was finishing an album and planning a tour...and then, WHAM! Right out of the blue, George makes the news on The E! Channel's website. Once again, George has screwed up with the drugs. Someone going down an isolated road in a London suburb in the middle of the night came upon a car stopped on the road with a man slumped over the steering wheel horn blaring. A call was made to the cops who discovered the guy was under the influence of something and passed out while driving. Then they realized it was George Michael who after a few slaps in the face woke up and said he was out at a Club and letting off steam. A sandwich bag was found in his pocket containing marijuana and later failed a drug test. So I asked myself, "Is that it?" Boy, the London police must really be dumb to think someone can pass out from smoking JUST marijuana. In any case, we wish Mr. Michael a speedy trip through rehab so he can get back on the road to belt out his twenty year old songs!
• No meat, no drinks, no snakes for Alice - For our Jewish friends out there, today is the day of atonement known as "Yom Kippur". Alice Cooper is a Jew, so no Old Country Buffet for him today. Others who will be fasting today include William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Jerry Seinfeld and Ben and his Dad Jerry Stiller. Some big entertainers on the list include Barry Mannilow, Barbara Streisand, Neil Diamond and of course, Adam Sandler. Happy Yom Kippur to you all!

A look at what's "Hot" and what's "Not" on the tube

After A week of extensive research and testing some of the poop that's been forced down our throats like a wooden tongue depresser full of slivers, there's more misses than hits this year and the big networks should have no problem thinning out the fields of this vast wasteland by Halloween. After tuning into two staples of Saturday's, it would appear from the start that once again "Mad TV" is actually funnier than "SNL". On Sunday's we get to see the two defectors most recently seen on ABC Monday Night Football try not to forget that they are now on NBC. This makes it official. John Madden IS the biggest thing in football. He's worked on every network, enjoys success from his video games, and rides across the USA in his Outback Steakhouse motor home. That's Sundays. As for the weeknights, here's a few observations.

• Till Death - Brad Garrett's return to TV after Everybody Loves Raymond has gotten nothing but praise from reviewers. Me? I think it's crap! I watched it once and didn't know if I was watching Married With Children or Everybody Loves Raymond. Garrett should have taken a lesson from recent shows such as Friends and Seinfeld. You don't spend 10 years on a sitcom, take a year off, and then come back on TV thinking everyone's forgotten about you. Nope. I give Till Death two thumbs and two big toes down and hope it dies a quick death. How will we know the show may be in trouble? When we see guest appearances by Ray Romano and Peter Boyle. Hard to believe Fox Network has been around since the mid 1980's and still puts on crap like this!
• Deal or No Deal? - No Deal! They keep saying that this could very well be the BIGGEST game show in the history of TV. Producers of the show were in Chicago this weekend looking for potential contestants. When asked about why the show is so successful, a staff member suggested that people at home "get excited to see others take risks and become rich" Huh? That's like going to Las Vegas not to gamble, but to watch because it's fun to see people walking to the ATM machine every 15 minutes to take out another $100, or going to the racetrack not to bet, but just look at all the pretty horsies. Personally, I don't get any thrill out of seeing anyone walk out of a building carrying a suitcase full of money. Anyway, this Deal or No Deal show is for the mentally challenged because you don't need a brain to say those "deal" or "no deal" words. I put this in the same category as the old Let's Make A Deal, Joker's Wild, and Tic Tac Dough. I want to know who says that this is the "best game show in history" anyway. Lastly, who got washed up Howie Mandel to host and pepper the show with lame jokes and wisecracks? Howie had a good thing going years ago with blowing up the rubber gloves over his head like a balloon. It was reckless, risky, and taking a gamble...this isn't.
• Dateline NBC - Surprisingly to me, this newsmagazine program has been on in one way or another for 20 years! Having said that, time has really sucked the life and credibility out of the show. No more Tom Brokaw, Katie Couric, or Jane Pauley to unravel the week's big stories. Stone Phillips has taken over and has driven the direction of the show to almost the same level as The Jerry Springer Show. Anyone who watches knows that Friday nights are now devoted to Internet Predators. Like the photo above, middle aged horny men strip naked and go online to places like MySpace to talk dirty to 12 and 13 year boys. Pretty soon these guys decide that all the sex talk isn't enough and arrange to meet with the kids and promise to bring beer, dope, and condoms. Some of these guys drive for four hours through rain, sleet, snow...you name it. When they get to the house, the "little kid" opens the door and says he's going to take a quick shower before they get started. Meanwhile, these sickos don't realize that the "kid" is really a 30 year old woman undercover officer. It is then that the NBC crew comes out of the kitchen with pages of emails, reads portions back to them and then asks if they want to say anything. They head for the door and then get ambushed by about 20 cops. It's a good thing and those guys deserve jail however, taking a page from America's Most Wanted, they're keeping track of how many people have been convicted. On Friday, it was at 17. Eventually this topic is sure to evolve into it's own weekly show aside from Dateline. I say, keep arresting these sick S.O.B.'s with the sting operations but PLEASE, how about a little news. I can't stomach this every single week!