"No sex, but still getting scewed!"

Here we go again. Don't mind me. I'm ready to smack the taste out of someone's mouth! Yeah, I've been lucky to have had a dozen relatives kick the bucket. Unbeknownstd to me, these people all were in agreement that I should handle their affairs. As a result, I'm too damn good to be writing a blog. But seriously, attached is a letter I got and my response follows. You've probably gotten one of these yourself. If so, feel free to copy and paste my letter back to them. Here's the letter and here's my response. I probably blew my chances of attending fancy dinner parties in my tuxedo.

I am George Smith, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine,by name Mr.Frednand David,who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client,died in a lane crash with members of his family on their way toNewyork for Holidays.See link below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/859479.stmI have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this deposit valued at (US$10.5M) is lodged. This Bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin,orthe account will be confiscated.My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my client,so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage:1. 35% for you2. 60% for me3. 5% for any expenses to be incurred in course of this transaction.All legal documents to back up your claim as my client'snext-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperationto enable us see this Transaction through.This will be executed under alegitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of thelaw. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology.Please contact me at once to indicate your interest.Best regards,ESQ.George Smith.Email: mail@george.la

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Thank the good Lord above for your contacting me about the death of my favorite uncle Fred. I will miss him dearly. I never thought he'd get over the fact that I slept with his second wife. I'm glad it was a plane crash and not me that killed the bastard. Truth is, Fred left the States after hiring a hitman to gun down my Father and take his money worth about $10.5 million bucks that was made as a result of my Father's smart investments in Microsoft and WalMart. While Fred was on the run with a suitcase full of currency, all we were able to afford is a shovel from Home Depot to dig a hole in the backyard and kick him in.

Now, Fred was a grade school teacher for nearly nine years. One thing Fred couldn't stand is people calling him Ferdinand. He was also a stickler with spelling. Who wrote your letter to me, your 7 year old son? There's a fucking button called "spell check". Tell your kid to make use of it!

Finally, before we go any further with this charade, all correspondence will be passed along to the Illinois Attorney General as well as the producers of Dateline NBC. Now, if you give me the runaround, my attorney will be contacting you. You see Sir, that money is mine and you WON'T tell me how much I'm supposed to give you. You don't have me by the nuts. I have YOU by the nuts! Coersion and Misrepresentation are enough to put you in the slammer. Think about that. I know how to hunt you down like a friggin' pitbull. Believe me, by the end of today, I'll find out who you are.

Here's the dope on the dopes!

How about that news folks? After a few years on hiatus, drug use in Hollywood has once again kicked into high gear. Sadly, the way things work is that a few weeks in a treatment center guarantees a lot of offers when they let you out! Be it far away from the truth to have The Squealing Pig endorse drug use HOWEVER, don't be a jackass and get your name in the news! This week has provided me with news of people that probably need rehab but "don't have a problem" MMkay. Before I get started, what the hell is a "Bluetooth"? I'll tell you this...I just got done eating blueberries so, I present this Blog to you in "Blue Teeth". Let's get started, shall we? Adjust your monitor to read this in blue teeth.

• Anna Nicole Smith -Just hearing her name is funny enough. Her son died while in the hospital visiting her and her new baby. C'mon Anna, the Bahamas are a good place for dying. The police really don't care. This kid had no drugs in his system? Sorry. He had Xanax and speed in his system! Poor Anna was so broken up over the death that they had to give her valium. I wonder how many other relatives of hers will die as the reason for taking drugs? Giving Anna valium is like giving a drunk a bottle of Jack Daniel's! That's OK though. Trimspa did a good job with her no matter how screwed in the head she is! If the "locals" in the Bahamas decide that she was somehow involved in her son's death, One more photo shoot please! This time, forget Playboy...I want to see her in Hustler rolling around in mud with Courtney Love!
• Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown -Where do I begin with these two? After all the years of being married (I use the term loosely) and making headlines everywhere they went for their drug addiction and Bobby's arrests, Whitney has finally said, "enough is enough" and has filed for divorce. That's a good idea. It's all Bobby's fault. If not for him, Whitney would still be on top of the world! It was all Bobby's fault that Whitney snorted that cocaine, smoked the dope, popped the pills, and picked up that crack pipe. Heaven help us if Whitney releases a gospel album for her "comeback". Funny thing is, no matter what you do...drugs or chop someone's head off with an axe, all is forgiven when you mention that God is in your life. Whitney will probably appear on Oprah soon to have a "heart to heart" and explain how much she's learned from her life experiences. Afterwards, she'll attempt to board a plane at O'Hare when they discover a glad bag full of dope. Let's see how this plays out.
• Johnny Mathis -The negro "King of Croon" has a couple two three dozen records going back to the early 1960's. Your parents probably brought you into this world with one of Johnny's albums playing on the Hi-Fi and the lights turned down low in your Grandparents living room. "Chances Are" was an invitation for romance. While I know the song well...I'm most familiar with his Christmas music. Anyway, what to do when you sing standards in 2006 and try and compete with "The Black Eyed Peas" and "Diddy"? Well, you reach for the crack pipe! This guy who's nearing 70 years old is upset that the whippersnappers out there aren't stepping over one another to snatch up Johnny Mathis CD's. He just left rehab and is about to hit the road once again. When I hear "Marshmallow World" and "Have Reindeer, Will Travel" this Christmas, I'll be thinking of you Johnny!
• Bert from "Sesame Street" -I can't believe this one! Sesame Street's Bert is at a career crossroads. Bert was caught by Sesame Street staffers smoking a crack pipe and shooting up heroin. Apparently, Bert is worried that he and Ernie are being shuffled to the bottom of the deck with all the new characters getting the most attention. Well, staffers at the Children's Television Workshop had enough when Bert showed up the other day looking disheveled with a three day beard growth. An intervention isn't out of the question however, Bert said that he's on to everyone's tricks and has so far refused. In a statement from CTW, they explain things openly, "It has come to our attention that the public has been made aware of Bert's problems. We hope Bert gets the help he needs. If after 38 years together with Ernie he refuses treatment, we will be forced to terminate our relationship. As a result, all 38 years of Bert's antics will be digitally erased"