"Early votes cause early headaches" and "Not made in Hollywood"

• Your early vote has been locked away in a safe place, but so was your 401 K! - It's a good thing all the crooked "behind the scenes" antics of voting in Chicago are finally being dealt with after years of problems! But seriously, in a city like Chicago where "Bozo the Clown", Al Capone and Dick Hertz are still able to make a restaurant reservation and are eligible to vote, what else would you expect? Like other states, Illinois has thrown it's proverbial "hat in the ring" to allow busy and/or lazy people like me a chance to cast a vote early. You would think this is a good thing considering that turnout for early votes was a record three times more than expected. In other words folks, people are taking things seriously... that was until the local news leaked a big secret today. If you think your early vote was in a secure place until Tuesday, it may not be. All early votes are being held on USB memory sticks and will be "locked in a safe place" until Tuesday where each will be uploaded into a mainframe and tabulated. The only problem is that while reporters on the beat were covering this event, word accidentally leaked of where these votes are being kept, in a warehouse in Chicago. While the address was never given, I suspect people in that area recognized the building on TV. You'll be happy to know that this "top secret" area is being watched around the clock by a lonely security guard who raised his right hand and promised to keep this secret. Going one step farther, a representative held a conference today with the media informing everyone that the information was "somewhere on the same floor" that he was speaking as all the cameras rolled. Remember how easy it was for George Costanza to convince a guard at the bank that he needed to relaz in a comfy chair on Seinfeld? If anyone has half a brain, they should be relocating all these things someplace else even as I write this. Note to the PD: this time use an unmarked truck and by the way, those vans following you with the satellite dishes on top and station logo on the side are probably not someone's "tricked out party van" It may be the news!
• Where there's smoke, it may not be a fire but something worse! I take it that we're all safe and sound and escaped danger on Wednesday morning. While most of the U.S. was asleep, I woke up early for a cup of Celestial Seasonings Orange tea and peeked out the window as the sun rose above the horizon and shined a light on things. The sky was cloudless except for what appeared to be a vapor trail from a plane leaving Midway Airport. but this was a bit odd. A vapor trail always is widest near the skyline and narrows the higher it reaches. This was opposite meaning, something crashed. I found out later that day it was no big thing...only an asteroid! It had exploded over Colorado after entering the atmosphere at more than 17, 000 MPH. When it exploded, fragments of the thing rained down to Indiana in a matter of minutes. Pretty cool. While everything burned and nothing actually hit the ground, it's always nice to know that our government really sees no reason to tell us about these things until AFTER they happen. In other words, while Robert Duvall may have saved everyone in Deep Impact , don't count on such a thing in real life. More photos from the other day can be found on google using Wednesday's date, "meteor" and "Colorado" as keywords!
  
  
  

"Jibber Jabber" part 2

• Series Interruptus - Will it end tonight? As I predicted a week ago, the 2008 World Series has been a bust. In fact, it makes history. It now has the distinction of being the "least watched" baseball event of all time! It may very well be only a matter of time before this annual tradition will make ESPN 2 it's new home. Some records that have been set include this as being the first Series to be postponed due to a rain delay. As the score is tied at three, this thing should only take about three innings to find a winner however, thanks to Borack Obama, tonights game will again be delayed to make room for an Obama infomercial. Maybe it's just me but, considering he hasn't been elected anything just yet, how is it possible to re-arrange the television "prime time" lineup? With no one really giving a darn about Tampa Bay or the Phillies, why must this be stretched out forever? OK, Obama is paying for a half an hour tonight but, as far as the weather is concerned, things like "rain" and "snow" happen when the baseball season lasts about 11 months! If it rains tonight again, fellas, take your umbrellas with you and wrap it up so I can see "Hell's Kitchen Nightmares" tomorrow!

• Ants in the pants? Jimmy Carter's cartoon character makes a return to save us...even if it's thirty years too late! The 1970's will always be remembered for long lines at gas stations, inflation, unemployment and conserving energy. While all these things mounted, Carter was able to earn the title of, "America's worst President". While people were suffering here in the U.S., Carter was most often seen on television dining with leaders of foreign countries. Before he went away however, Carter had started a new campaign that involved an insect who reminds kids abd their parents to use electricity sparingly. Outside of grade school comics and light switch covers, the ants suggestions got stomped (and by the way, thanks to Ronald Reagan, so did Jimmy Carter!) Energy Ant has gotten an "Extreme Makeover" and is all set to make a comeback. This time around however, the ant will focus on the environmental issues we face. Afterall, with the way the economy has created foreclosures, unemployment, and driven us into a global Recession, a 60 watt lightbulb left on all day by mistake will not make a difference to anyone's pile of bills.

• Hollywood legend Tony Curtis is still alive and kicking after having a tough year with health issues. After being retired for a good number of years, it's obvious that Medicare and Social Security have been stretched too far. The poor guy has sold his soul to the advertising world and now is a spokesman for some sort of hearing aid device or something...I don't remember. I was too busy picking up my jaw from the floor when I saw him riding in a Cadillac with a group of twenty something girls with large fun bags. I wasn't too shocked until they showed a closeup of the man. He's wearing more makeup than a two dollar hooker. When you see him with his red, rosey cheeks, lipstick, and eyeliner, you can't help picking up a wet washcloth and reaching out to wipe this stuff off his face. There's a lot of jokes here. He can play the Joker's father in the next Batman movie, do a remake of Rip Taylor's "$ 1.98 Beauty Show" or be a stand-in for a Liz Taylor perfume commercial. Tony, dump that agent of yours! Don't die like this!

• Two "Zeppelins" make the news this week. and both share the possibility of a fiery crash as it's "deja vu all over again" First up is the airship. It's a replica of the famous blimp that crashed and gave us the WLS reporter's soundbyte of, "Oh, THE HUMANITY!". This ride is available for booking right now in San Francisco for $500 fee that sails you over the landscape for about a half an hour. As for me, I'm reminded of past trips on SouthWest Airlines where after 15 minutes or so, some passengers were ready to kill everyone on board in order to have a smoke. While I've seen people sneak into the bathroom and walk out smelling like a chimney, I suggest that anyone who has a bad smoking habit reconsider climbing on board! After a few years of planning a tour, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin who were briefly reunited last year and were planning on releasing new material, they finally decided to go through with it sans Robert Plant. There's a good chance that Plant has listened to the new "Queen" disc and changed his mind about getting back together and keeping the name. In Queen's case, Freddie Mercury who sang lead in the group died in 1991 and the band went into hiatus until last year. They now have Paul Rodgers (Bad Company) as a singer and have kept the name. Jimmy Page is working on finding someone to take Plant's spot and move ahead. Call it what you want but, history repeats itself yet again. Anyone remember the last attempt with David Coverdale of Whitesnake as singer? I've got lots of CD's from Geffen records which couldn't even be given away for free!

"Jibber Jabber"

• "Warning! Please leave the area now before the police arrive". As heard and seen on TV over the weekend. You know it's close to Christmas when all the cheezy commercials start rolling out like "Chia Pet" and "The Clapper". It seems that every year these products get a little tweaking to adjust to the times. Such is the case with "Life Alert", the nifty little device that looks like a remote for a keyless door entry for the car. We all remember the poor old lady in the commercials for this product falling near the toilet and screaminng, "I've fallen and can't get up"! a classic. This may have been fine the way it was however, in 2008 the manufacturer has added a bonus. In addition to the "panic button" on a necklace, they give you a smoke detector and burgler alarm that yells out "I smell smoke and I will call the Fire Department" and for intruders passing the motion detector, a relaxed sounding "grandpa' like voice warns, "Warning! Please leave the area now before the police arrive!" What a nice idea this is. It has a nice friendly way of warning a burgler that it may be a good idea to drop the VCR and leave. This gives the guy enough time to shake your hand in thanks for avoiding going to jail, admit that you caught him, and walk out the door before you have to deal with the hassle of pressing charges and picking the guy out in a lineup. As for the old lady who falls, she now says, "I've fallen and I don't think I can get up" That's good too. That means that while you wait for an ambulance to arrive, you should have a good half an hour to attempt to get yourself afterall, if you're deciding to get up, you probably can. Just that you're a little lazy?!
• 
  Hungry? You are now, just because the King said so! While listening to the radio one morning last week, I heard a few people talking about neat websites. If you like Fox's Family Guy, Burger King has an alternate website where the creators of the cartoon have teamed up to allow you the chance to view a short cartoon clip and insert your own dialogue into the scene, You can save it and submit for a contest. Later that day I thought I'd check it out myself. In short, it's a pretty neat thing, a little complicated, and best done with a few friends. I tried it and gave up after a while. It wasn't working too well by myself. I thought that was enough for the time being however, in the few minutes I was on, the light on my hard drive began working overtime and that's never a good thing as I discovered the next morning. Thanks to my visit to the BK site, every time I boot my computer I'm now greeted with an audio commercial that depending on what time of day, tells me what I need to eat off their menu. BK has smartened up and now prohibits e-mailing them with complaints. You now must call a long distance number that isn't even toll-free! I finally found the culprit in my registry and fixed it myself. I don't care that the King insisted I come in to eat. He's creepy and looks like a pedaphile. Ironically, he targeted to wrong guy because I haven't eaten at the place in a decade and won't start now. Careful of this bug!
• 
  No Thanks to Oprah, "Favorite Things" isn't just the title of an annoying holiday song, it's the topic for a whole hour of "Oprah". Because I always take Oprah's ideas and suggestions to heart, I'm looking for this year's "Favorite Thing" at Best Buy and Circuit City. Oprah put her "seal of approval" on Google's new Blackberry type device that came out a few weeks ago. Now, Oprah has never tried this as all her appointments and phone calls are made and taken by her loyal servants however, thanks to an overturned semi on the Eisenhower Expressway and a trailer full of damaged goods, Oprah and Co. were able to get an early start on her annual Christmas list of gift ideas. Who is her target audience again? One day she has a family of ten who share an apartment and buy banged up cans of cat food for 29 cents at Aldi, and the next day she invites everyone to go out and plunk down the few hundred bucks or so for this item. Oh yes, let us not forget that as audience members, all we need to do is look under our seats as everyone in the house gets a freebie! For as long as I can remember or, the number of years Oprah has had her own show, I've got two favorites which are always tied for first on my list: Duct Tape and a universal remote. Both of these can be used to mute the audio coming out of her mouth. I guess that family of ten chose the wrong day to appear eh?

A very special "thanks" from John McCain

When the final votes are counted ten days from now, it will be time for the losing party to go on TV and say a few words of thanks to everyone that put a lot of time, effort and money into the candidate's campaign. While Borack Obama is still deciding if he wants cake, ice cream or both as a dessert for what will probably a victory dinner in Chicago's Grant Park for supporters, McCain is already working on who to thank on his behalf. John will be too busy that night to talk to Fox News or anyone else however, he wants to thank all his dear friends for their support. Especially after the events of the last few days. Now, please let John get some well deserved rest as I get the "thank you" notes started for him...

• "My dear friend, Sarah Palin" -Thanks. Because of you, it's been a tremendous season thus far for SNL, Tina Fey, and 30 Rock. Don't think any of your candid interviews with reporters hurt me... you did the best you can, like the other day when a reporter asked you what you planned on doing the next few years. True, it would have helped for you to say you'd be working in The White House with me however, you said you see yourself at home with the family and continuing your role there as a Mom. At least you were being honest!
• My dear friend and loving brother, Joe. Thanks Joe. You got stuck in traffic for a while and got angry enough to call 911 on your cell phone to complain. I'm sorry that after you cursed the guy up and down before slamming the phone, he called back to tell you that the number you dialed isn't for playing games, only emergencies. I feel I should be responsible. Afterall, you told the nice fella that you were my brother thinking that may help however, that only got you into more trouble. You're still my brother and I love you besides, we share the same blood and the same surname and there's always a drunk somewhere in the family! You'll bounce back soon. Take a look back on Billy Carter and Roger Clinton!
• My dear friends at MTV. Thank you for finally realizing that "Viva La Bam, Jackass, and Paris Hilton's New BFF" shows no longer encourage the young people to vote as often as you did years ago when Bill Clinton ran for office. The truth is, skateboarding, Hip Hop, Diddy, and lighting your farts on fire have nothing to do with politics in the first place. Matter of fact, take all that crap off the air and go back to the day before there was YouTube and you guys actually had a good thing going. Think about it...are Johnny Knoxville and Paris Hilton gonna make the kids vote or give them more reason not to get out of bed and turn off the TV?
• My dear friends who worked my campaign -You all did a great job right up until the end especially, the lady working for me that pretended she was ambushed by an angry group of Obama supporters who kicked, slapped, and beat the hell out of her before carving the letter "B" into her face. It was funny. You were just participating in the annual tradition of Halloween pranks. It had no effect on my cause. In fact, it took me back to the story of Hester Prynne, the lady who wore the red scarlett letter "A". Perhaps your name will come up in a future work of fiction for grade school kids to read. But seriously, that was kind of a bad thing you did to me, isn't it?
  

"The Ghost Poop"

WARNING! Today's post deals with "Bathroom Humor". Some readers may find the following story entertaining or disgusting. This is for mature readers only! Besides, young kids shouldn't be reading this crap anyway. Put them to bed!

I remember it as clear as day. Almost as if it happened yesterday. Wait a minute! It DID happen yesterday. It was an event so scary that I didn't fall asleep until Conan O' Brien came on the television at 11:35 PM! My friends, it was hard to imagine... A few hours earlier I had stumbled onto something that I didn't expect! It was my realization that the big bathroom in the house was haunted! Now, don't get me wrong...I often hear stories like this late at night in the woods with the Girl Scouts...(oops!) I mean, "The Fellas".

"Even Febreeze wasn't even able to save the day!"

I knew from the moment I awoke yesterday morning that I was feeling in "tip top" shape. A day like this doesn't come around too often. You see, I like things "hot". I'll put red pepper flakes on anything I eat. I stop when it comes to cereal in the morning. I've got a history where spicing things up results in at least one day of Hell. Stomach cramps are not unusual and are usually quickly fixed due to the wide selection of over the counter antacids. I knew things may get bad, so I got myself ready with a new Pepto Bismol within easy reach. Lunch rolled around and I was really getting in over my head. I made a salad and cut up some hot peppers, mushrooms, carrots, onions and celery. The final steps were to sprinkle a generous amount of red pepper flakes and top the whole thing off with a nice couple of tablespoons of my favorite Jalapeno/Ranch dressing. By the way, whoever suggested crackers or anything dairy after giving your mouth the 3rd degree is wrong. Believe you me, water just makes things worse! I ate and cleaned up the dirty dishes and then, you guessed it, not even a half an hour later my stomach was a mess! I grabbed a couple newspapers, a Rolling Stone magazine, and a radio. This was the setup for what may have been a long stay. Finally, after 10 seconds or so, all hell broke loose and that was it. I used a bath towel to wipe away the sweat. It was Intense and stinky. Even Febreeze wasn't even able to save the day! When I pulled up my britches and turned around to see the "fruits" of my labor, there was nothing in the toilet! Empty! I looked in the mirror and asked myself over and over again, "Where did it go?!" No markings. No nothing. All evidence is gone, or is it? Now, this wasn't the first time I've dealt with the supernatural. It has happened before. All I want to know is who took it and why! Was it a ghost or is this somehow connected to "Area 51" in the Arizona desert? Perhaps aliens from another dimension are using the DNA to make a new society of smelly people??!! Thinking it was all a bad dream, I traced my steps this morning and no luck. The toilet was still empty and the poop was gone without a trace. Now, I'm sure this has happened to all of you HOWEVER, where does it go? I'm too scared to imagine I may bump into this evil one day!

"People say (and do) the darnest things!"

Harvey, IL. The mail always gets delivered no matter what the circumstances or weather conditions may be. This was always the mail carrier's motto in this small, but violent Suburban town in Chicago. Until now. Chaos and panic took to the streets this Monday when some fifty homes found out the mail delivery had suddenly stopped without warning. Most residents there always go the extra mile to make sure all their bills are paid on time. One resident of the area became concerned that his five cell phones would get turned off and his Lexus would be taken away due to late late payments. What he found out was that a female carrier had suddenly given up her route and was "too scared" to deliver mail after being caught in the middle of gang crossfire just last week. The USPS took her side and agreed that this sets a new precident and delivering mail there is not worth the risk of something "postal" happening. After a meeting between several members of the town's Council, the USPS and Harvey police officials, everyone walked away agreeing that the poor woman have a patrol officer on foot accompany her on her delivery. Nice, eh? Even more amazing is the fact that lady who was too afraid to give her identity or speak to news crews, was still captured on tape by all the local channels walking her route with the cop. If that wasn't easy enough to figure out who the woman was, the showed her and the cop walking past a street sign. I guess if you want to get her, you can do it thanks to this mistake by reporters. If not, look for the white truck and police cruiser parked behind one another at the end of the block. To fight back, this lady needs her own gun and Anthrax when walking. Not "Anthrax" the white powder... "Anthrax" the ddisbanded heavy metal group from the 80's and 90's! They're scary looking for starters, and probably have a lot of free time to help assist. It's only a thought. By the way taxpayersm this escort was for one day only. You won't pay for it until postage goes up another dime early next year!

• With only a few days to go before voting for our next President, it's time to decide not only who is able to get us out of the mess, we must now examine the brains of Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. God forbid one of these two are ever given permission to take the car keys and drive the USA should anything bad happen to the President. All you need is a small group made up of Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, Keith Oberman and Jeff Foxworthy to get together and see how smart both of the hopefuls are. Take the remarks of Joe Biden who appeared on ABC Nightly News. Earlier that day, a group of little kids came up with some important questions and then Charlie put Biden on the spot for an answer. Now, one kid asked what a "Recession" is all about and if we're in one (A question that I'm sure was ghost written by his teacher). Biden started babbling nonsense and started on the subject of "The Great Depression" explaining that it was indeed a "tough time" in history however, President FDR often went on television to assure it wouldn't last forever. Two problems: 1) FDR was NOT the President during that time and 2) Television wouldn't be invented yet for several more years> Oops! Then there's Palin who always comes under fire for anything she says or does. She was a little bit off track when asked what her duties as VP would be, confusing her responsibilities with the leader of the US Senate. First things first come January...I'm sending a CD-ROM of Encyclopedia Brittanica to Washington so someone can get a refresher course in History. What a shame!
• Throwing a dart at the board of silly news brings us to our spot just outside of Cleveland. An 89 year old woman gets taken away by the cops for not returning the next door neighbor kid's football. I'm sure you heard about this somewhere in recent days. This story isn't unusual. Every town in America has a cranky Senior Citizen that's afraid of death and takes it out by holding a troublesome toy for ransom once it crosses the property line. Growing up, we had one of those people on our block that would make a big issue out of anything that made it over the top of the fence and into her yard. It's a good thing to see that some things never change! In this case, the kid's father called 911 when the old, cranky lady took the football. A football that according to dad, was purchased by his son. The football itself must have been priceless as dad said his "tweenage" son worked the "whole summer" as a caddy to earn the money to buy the ball. I automatically assumed there had to be more to this. Maybe this was an autographed ball signed by a Hall of Famer or maybe an entire roster from a past Super Bowl winning team... Not so. This was bought right off the shelf at Sports Authority. Everyone on both sides of that fence has got to be kidding! The old woman stands firm that she's taking that ball to the grave. The kids parent's aren't too excited at the outcome because after the story made it to the news, protesters were able to convince them the charges be dropped.. Back in my day in the 1970's, there were actually three things the lady across the way would love to go out and grab. First one was a simple little parachute which had a little rubber guy on the bottom. When you threw it up in the air, it would slowly open up and sail back to the ground (the number of these things lost forever is unknown. They always ended up in someone's gutters and had to be removed before the next big rain event. Two other things were big too: WHAM-O's "Superball" and anything "Nerf". There were many WHAM-O variations of the ball that we never saw again...a "super baseball", "super dice and marbles" and assorted Nerf rockets, footballs, etc...Like the lady in Ohio, our neighbor kept these things and always said she would take them with her when she died. When she passed years ago approaching 100, she kept her word. There they were lying next her in the casket. No one had the guts to get these collector's items back! Anyone got a shovel?

Joe the Plumber: Strip #1 "Operation ACORNholio"

"Baseball Exorcism" heads the weekend wrap-up.

• 
  
  
• World Series Snoozer- Down in Sarasota, Florida all is good at the moment. They have shuffleboard, horse racing, "early bird" specials at Denny's and Major League Baseball. Tropicana Field was built a long time ago and sat empty for years. Baseball fans may recall The Chicago White Sox was being lured down there before the new Comiskey, err... "U.S. Cellular Field" was built. Being an expansion team, "The Devil Rays" as they were originally called, have spent the last decade building a team. This year was said to be no different and not a soul could predict what would happen this weekend.as they were able to wiggle their way into the World Series. Maybe the real winner here is heaven above. Being smack dab in the middle of "the Bible belt", the team's name was a hot topic amongst the Senior Citizens and the "Devil" was eventually dropped from their logo. Tampa Bay has no right to make it to baseball's biggest event of the year. They got there as a fluke. When the first pitch is thrown on Wednesday night, watch as the Phillies help Tampa Bay realize that they shouldn't be involved. Personally, I hope it's quick because this hooey cannot interfere with House!
• Mr. Blackwell. Dead. - I thought the guy died a few years ago but I guess I was wrong. He died yesterday. You know him from his famous list of fashion disasters in Hollywood where no matter how big of a star one may be, there's no avoiding what you wear. In an ironic twist, the man who put down what Jessica Alba and Madonna wore almost religiously in his famous annual list, is now resting peacefully in his casket to spend eternity in a suit which was taken "off the rack" at J.C. Penney's. It's called, "karma".
• Ito and Orton: "You are NOT the father!". Sorry Maury Povich, no need for a DNA test here HOWEVER, the former Judge in the O.J. trial and Chicago Bears QB Kyle Orton look like they share similar bloodlines. Now that Orton has been chosen to be "The One" to keep Chicago tied with Greenbay in the NFC North, you gotta admit that as the weeks go by, Orton is looking more and more like a Chinaman. That's OK because Confucious say, "Bears will not be in any Super Bowl" ...Unless they paid for their tickets.
• Madonna's Drama. - The poor old lady. First, she recently turned 50 and isn't taking it all too well. To make matters worse, her brother has become estranged for telling secrets and now? This divorce business to Guy Ritchie. If I were in his spot, this is the chance of a lifetime to take the silly religious nutso to the cleaners. Hey, no "pre-nup" was her fault. He said he was gonna make it big in Hollywood Directing films. Well, Martin Scorsace and Oliver Stone need not call him a "threat". OK, perhaps Ritchie's request for half of Madonna's fortune is a stretch...until you consider the pain and suffering he endured for a decade seeing Madonna "stretch" in her spandex with her personal trainer that lives in their house. Ewww! GOD AWFUL!

"SNL" Tonight. Enjoy.

"His fingers do the walking,,,right into your soul!"

Al

Phantom Phonebook

Gather around whippersnappers, I'm about to tell you a very scary Halloween tale. A tale like no others that took place not so long ago in a place very close. This is NOT for the faint of heart. Not even quite. It all started on a rather tranquil morning as I walked outside in the morning mist to retrieve the yellow bag on the sidewalk. I should have known better and leave it to the wind to blow away or the school children to pick it up on the way to the bus stop. My friends, this would set the story in motion. A story that never had an appropriate ending...it may be over however, if not, God help me and all the other souls that have been tormented by "The Phantom Phonebook".

It was the middle of October that I first encountered Satan himself. As the neighbors decorate their homes in scary motif (and some people actually start hanging up Christmas lights!) I realize the yellow bag out front is a gift from a large publishing company that once went under the alias of "R.R. Donelly". I reached down once I realized that this occurs every year around this time, picked it up, and stepped back inside to examine "The Yellow Pages" ...A mystery in itself! Who in their right mind still uses a primiative tool like this to actually sit down and thumb through, all in an effort to find the number of Domino's Pizza? Not me. I need some kind of connection to a human when looking for answers and besides, by the time I look up the number, the pizza would have been baking in the oven, almost done. All a phone book does is add extra minutes to an already busy schedule. No, me, I prefer the 411 approach to fact finding which is why I have no use for a book like this. If bad comes to worse, I may use the Internet to find a phone number, but even that is rare. I placed the book in the basement, my mind already made up that I would never utilize it. That was that... er, so I thought. The next day I open the curtains to see a yellow bag on the sidewalk again. Perplexed, I again step outside to discover the telephone book was able to not only vanish from my basement, but was able to astrally project itself back outside. Something was wrong somewhere. Perhaps yesterday's phone book was a figment of my imagination. I went back inside and made my way downstairs trying to convince myself that I wouldn't find anything unusual. The stairs creaked as I went down one step at a time to ease my mind. There on the table, exactly how I left it yesterday, was the telephone book! It was an eerir feeling to realize that I had now been ealt a difficult hand to play. One of these books will have to go! "I'll put it outside tomorrow in the recycle bin" I said to myself and made my way back upstairs where I tried to forget about the events that left me with two Yellow Pages books from the exact same publisher. This morning, I awoke to a smack hitting the sidewalk. "God help me!" I thought. "Here we go again!". The anxiety was beginning to build. For I had known that once I pull apart the curtains, the noise I heard will be physically there AGAIN, in a YELLOW BAG. It was up to me to decide quickly if I wanted to be put in the position of finding the book out there again. I ripped open the curtains as quick as I could AND, NOTHING! The sidewalk was empty all except for the morning paper. I was scared, shaken, and stirred when I began to realize that this chain of events had finally ended. I shuddered with disbelief and terror when picturing papermills in Utah and Washington State working overtime to cut down trees and produce these books off the press faster than a speeding bullet. It made me sick for a minute and then I ate breakfast. Dammit, my Lucky Charms are more important than a forest full of trees! All remained calm for a good portion of the day. I was able to regain my composure and move ahead. For this event had seemingly ended as abruptly as it began. The wind then began to pick up, and the trees which were painted with brilliant shades of red, orange and yellow began yo rain down leaves erratically. The window panes rattled and the sky grew more dismal. All the excitement made me run to the window. When there, as sure as I'm standing, it was the return of "Yellow Book"! That was it! It was now up to me to save the neighborhood from what seemed as an inevitable invasion not seen or heard at any caliber since Orson Welles' famous, War of the Worlds ! I grabbed the cell phone and my friends, opened the Yellow Book for the first time to find the number of the person responsible for initiating this assault of soy based ink and paper. The adrenaline level in my bloodstream was racing as I waited for someone to pick up my call. Finally, a lady answered and I began to spin this very same tale wondering why I've been cursed by a phonebook that doesn't want to go away. Like a recipe for a witches brew, she began to rattle off specific instructions that I jotted down on a scratch pad. "You must take these books and tear them to pieces!" She instructed. "You then must place them in the proper place where refuse is normally picked up" she continued. "Huh?" I asked. ..."She simply repied, "the garbage. You see Sir" she explained, "someone on that route made a mistake and gave you three books by mistake. Now, go and do the right thing before it's too late!" At that very moment, I began to rip and tear like a madman when I heard a repetative beeping sound. It was the garbage truck from Waste Management here to pick up the garbage! I made sure all the contents were in the can as I handed it over to the six guys working on the back of the truck. The big metal blade came down as I saw loose pages try to get away. It indeed was too late. The horror jad finally ended. Legend has it that the ghosts of Yellow Books from the past often times won't decompose in the landfill. That means, it may happen all over again next year. I suggest we all start to prepare, OR ELSE!

"Water Torture"

A Glass of Water - FOX News ran a story this morning about drinking water. It seems as though Walmart hasn't been telling everyone about what a person may be consuming when reaching for a bottle of Sam's Choice drinking water. Someone ran one of those routine tests a while ago where several brands of water are taken to a lab and examined to see what they may contain that you'd never find on the label. We've all heard this story earlier in the years when they told us what we all knew already... that all brands of water come from the same place. That's not news, it's common sense however, the testing went on to reveal a long list of toxins that let's face it, are in all tap water anyway. In this case, the numbers were off the charts in comparison to what comes out of the faucet and Walmart tops the list of offenders that turn around and sell the poison in their stores. Arsenic, cyanide, fertilizer, prescription drugs, and things of that nature are in all water regardless of what you do but, at the end of this test, it was brought up that perhaps the consumer should be aware of this before plunking down five or six bucks for a case! A few times a year, your local water company publishes a report that gives you all the details on this subject except nobody ever bothers to read the stuff. So, why what's the difference if the stores give you that information or not? The one main reason is because maybe they are scared to be honest. Now, if you can't believe a big giant like Walmart might not tell you all the facts, that same water, when poured into a glass is supposed to give us all an idea of what the future holds. Tonight will be the last official debate before election time and each of the two candidates will have a glass of water beside them to clear their throats. FOX explained that in addition to those who check the facts on what is said almost immediately, the Internet and various other polls that take place when our two favorites discuss their differences, keep your eyes on the glasses of water. An experiment is being done where two identical drinking glasses os the same size and weight, will go on a scale and the exact same amount of water will be added to the two glasses, and locked away until this evening. This test will begin at the first sip. When they finish, someone will whisk the glasses away safely and weigh them again to record the weight. WHY?? This is supposed to tell us and the group of college kids running this test, who the most honest person is to be our next President. The idea is that the more someone reaches for a sip when asked a question, how much and how often they take it will say something about their character, honesty and integrity. This was done in a similar fashion between Nixon and Kennedy in the famous 1960's Chicago Democratic Convention. Known as the "Five o' Clock Shadow Speech", it is said that history was decided as a result of makeup and hot lights in the studio. Richard Nixon walked away with the best responses, most support, and most brains however, his makeup was running under the hot lights and revealed an unshaven face. Drom beginning to end, it had appeared Nixon had aged twenty years and he left looking tired and beaten. On the other hand, Kennedy had a deep, dark tan and refused the makeup. Although his responses fell far behind Nixon, people watching on television fell for Kennedy's charm and good looks which is said to be why Kennedy went on to beat Nixon and win the Presidency. ...And then we get to the water thing. Some University is trying to prove that the guy with the most water left in the glass is who the undecided voter should pick? Someone had better be sure to put a lock on all the vending machines there that are filled with salty snacks. Messing with history isn't a good idea. Look at the mess Michael J. Fox got himself into with that crazy DeLorean!

"Quiet Please...These people are talking!"

People have been talking quite a bit this week and it's only Tuesday. Maureen McCormick, Cloris Leachman, and John McCain are either selling a book, selling a television show, or perhaps even selling one's soul as promotional rocket fuel to make money or win the crowd over. Within the past day, a number of items have caught my attention leaving me to wonder, is this stuff for real?? I start with C-Span last night.

• C-Span is that cable network that people tune to when they're searching for the best way to go to sleep at night. This channel is to politics what ESPN is to sports. The difference is, on one of ESPN's channels you can watch a Lakers game from 1991 while over at C-Span, you can watch an old debate between Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter. Last night they chose to air a clip from earlier in the day where "Maverick" John McCain was leading one of his own pep rallys. Maybe you caught this on the news. If you didn't, a woman in the audience stood up to ask a question that McCain quickly interrupted. This was about Obama. The lady asked the Senator how it's possible that Obama (an "A0-A-RAB") is able to run for President after what happened with 9/11. McCain took the mic from her and set her straight. He pointed out that Obama is not an "A-RAB" but an American from a mixed family. You either wanted to stand up and cheer for McCain, or question who came up with the idea to plant someone in the audience to say such a thing. "No one stoops that low" he told the lady. If there are undecided voters like this who don't know anything about either guy in the running by now, please stay home on Election Day!
• "There's still one left to go" when it comes to former cast members of The Brady Bunch telling all the secrets about the show that we never expected to hear. This year, it's the ex Marcia Brady who is now making her rounds on talk shows to "spill the beans" about all the behind the scenes shenanigans that happened. The only cast member who didn't speak out yet is Ann B. Davis aka "Alice". She has written a few books however, none of them ever bring up her role on the television show. Now seriously, is anyone surprised by hearing all the stories of yet another former child star, a product of the late 1960's early 70's having some problem with pot, cocaine, heroin, or LSD? I guess the shocker is that of all people, Maureen is the last one you'd expect to be strung out...if it really happened. After hearing all the things that supposedly happened on the this show as well as others, it's amazing that there was anyone sober enough to let these shows go on to be as successful as they were. You'd automatically assume the whole Brady group spent those few years asleep in their dressing room "too sick" to film anything. I can imagine Executive Producer, Sherwood Schwartz going into everyone's room and poking them with the end of a broomstick to wake up. When a book comes out from Ann B. Davis about her alcoholism and sex addiction, I'll buy that book! This stuff is just a lot of hot air.
• A lot of folks take Dancing With The Stars too seriously. They even have the odds posted in Vegas about who will win and who won't. There are countless blogs, news items, television tabloid shows all working hard to cover this, in my opinion, "snoozefest". TV Guide is one of those publications that like to give the hit ABC show a lot of attention. This season, it's all about Cloris Leachman. This old lady who won Emmy's for her work on The Mary Tyler Moore show and for the younger folks, The Facts of Life (as Mrs. Garrett's sister before it "jumped the shark") has got quite the reputation for having a filthy mouth. According to "Insiders", meaning, "people who will never be identified", someone always walks out of there saying, "I can't believe she did that or said that!" You want to know something? You won't see her get the boot until there's her and one other person left. The show is enjoying it's highest rating ever because she's so unpredictable. If they cut her loose now, who will watch? They can talk to the press all they want and say she's chemically imbalanced however, she's not going anywhere yet. If you're one of those who have the show on your speed dial to vote every week, you're wasting a phone call. Get real! The filthier her mouth gets, the easier the execs at ABC can get to sleep. Just like politics in this case, your vote will not be counted!

"AMERICA: Thanks for nothing, Chris!"

When the rooster crowed this morning at the crack of dawn, I rolled over and went back to sleep. For starters, I despise Mondays and usually get them started when half the day ia already over! Just before lunchtime rolled around, I stepped outside to get today's paper and bring in the mail when all of a sudden my neighbor greeted me and wished me a "Happy Holiday" and informed me that there is no mail delivery today. I just said, "Thanks" and came back inside a little confused by what she said when all of a sudden I realized, that it is indeed Columbas Day. When you grow up and finish school, these dates that were once something to look forward to are suddenly meaningless. All this meant to me today was that now that there's no mail, I now had an extra hour of free time that is usually marked for paying bills. When you're a kid, the very second that school starts in September, these holidays are quickly memorized. As you get older and make it through high school and college, we get slowly "weened off" relying on these little dates the same way rehab works to get someone off of Vicodin although no one ever argues over a three day weekend. So today, we honor the great explorer Christopher Columbus. He proved the world is round and discovered America along the way. Question is, do we really want to give this guy a 24 hour honor in October? Perhaps, maybe not!

"History" often becomes tainted over time. No one at this point is willing to argue if Columbus came to America as he intended, or if it was by mistake. Your teacher back in second grade told you the order in which these "alleged" events happened and made it sound like a great idea for a future television pilot on ABC called, "Lost". Suppose things really did play out that way. I guess when Columbus and his three ships stopped in Long Osland there was nothing but open prarie and trees. A place so peaceful that you could hear a cricket chirp 100 miles in any direction. I don't think it went down that way. There absolutely were people here already. He may have "found" America however, did the folks living here even realize they were "lost" in the first place? If anything, he was the one who was lost! The Indians were doing just fine here by themselves and didn't want any attention. If you want to honor Christopher Columbus for finding us, thank him for taking Paradise and turning it into what it is today. If the earth really was flat, maybe he'd be so lost that sooner or later he'd steer the boat off the planet and we wouldn't be in the dilly of a pickle that America is in today. Well, maybe the Indians weren't too smart either. There were more of them stronger in number than the Columbus group. They should have helped him and his crew get off the boat safely, hit them over the head, marinade them in whiskey, and roast them with apples in their mouths over an open fire. Because they opened their arms wide to welcome the man, Columbus and his crew were able to return back home all wearing shirts that read "I went to America, and all I got was the whole country!" ..and before you knew it, the Indians got the shaft, lost their land, and this opened up the doors to what it is today. This is why Columbus was a probably just a generalization for all explorers of that time who would have come here sooner or later, and did just that. Don't believe everything you read or you might walk away thinking not only was Columbus the only guy on the planet that had a boat, he enjoyed it so much that he bought two more exactly like it! Thanks for nothing, Chris!

"Relax. Close your eyes. It'll be over in no time!"

I found myself getting involved in a conversation with a stranger the other day who happened to bring up all the problems that one of our two Presidential candidates will be facing after January 1st. Here was a guy in his 50's that worked his whole life for AT&T, recently retired, and dabbled a little with throwing some extra pocket change into the stock market. He, like a lot of people out there, had money in a place that he didn't really get too involved with until the recent events of the last few weeks. As it turned out, when he finally decided to look into where some of his money was going, he was shocked to learn the amount of money that had built up over the years without him knowing. $5,000 was sitting there and he didn't know what to do. Unfortunately for him, he caught an interview with CNBC Financial "Guru", Jim Cramer one morning on television and that's when the problems really started. Because he waited too long to do anything, that 5K that he knew he never had until now is gone forever. To make matters worse, this guy took a buyout for early retirement, got a year's severance pay for all his years of hard work, and is now dipping into his 401K despite all the penalties. Sure, that $5,000 would have come in handy right now BUT...he listened to some horse's ass on television who misled him and others into a big financial mess. By the way, his apologizing the following day about what he advised everyone to do ended with Cramer nearly in tears on his hands and knees in a spectacle not seen since Rev. Jimmy Swaggart's sex scandal years ago!

Have you seen John McCain on TV giving his two cents about the bind we're all in? He's a guy who believes that like all other bad things, "This too shall pass!". He may be right. Why worry now? Things will fall back into place in time and the quick fix is as simple as slapping a Band-Aid over the situation for now. As a matter of fact, the entire global economy continues to meet together to find a solution. There is one on the way however, like many welcoming offers, this also has strings attached. Considering we're half way there, we may as well embrace it, accept it, and see what happens in the end. Even though most of us know the ending already. This is the beginning of a New World Order. A plan detailed in The Bible. All religions seem to be on the same page when they suggest that The Bible is a blueprint however, it can be altered in a way that has positive results. Only we can change it to actually work that way. In this case, the N.W.O. has nothing to do with WCW Monday Nitro of years ago. This is serious business and the ball has already started rolling.. This of course, is all unchartered territory. While world leaders converge and look for a way to right this wrong, it's clear that what happened in The United States has leaked into the rest of the world. The solution? The world has to pull together and press the reset button and reboot. In the end, the only solution is a global monetary system.

Get rid of Euro's, Dollars, Pesos and start from scratch. Call it what you want, but make a dollar worth a dollar everywhere in the world that accepts money. If you pay $4 a gallon for gas here, make it the same in the U.K., China, Australia..everywhere. How about $2 for a gallon of milk worldwide? A fixed mortgage rate so everyone can afford a home?! The Bible suggests that getting to this point will result in a storm that rains toads and hot hail and leads to our final days here on earth. Now, my question to you on this Sunday is: Who is going to interrupt the meeting and stop the events from taking place? Well, sorry folks. Not me. I can't afford the plane ticket to get to that meeting anyway. I guess we all have to wait this thing out?!!

Basic Math

(1) Sir Elton John + (1) Billy Corgan = (1) President of North Korea. Congratulations! You're off the United States' Most Wanted Terrorists Database!

"Ramblings About Nothing"

As this week comes to a close, I look back on the last seven days and reflect on what it was like to go out and do something I usually hate to do... go out in public and "mingle" with peope. I don't like it because unlike most people, I can't just go out and enjoy myself. My mind is always working and I usually return home at the end of the day trying to pull all my thoughts together. You know, this week was no different than the others however, the only thing was that this time a few of my stops included waiting rooms. OK, first things first was the eye doctor. I've visited with many doctors over time and I still can't understand why this guy is the one with the most paperwork to fill out! Good God! I just had a cornea implant a week ago meaning, my eye is still not all together. Not to mention the eye drops I placed in my eye going to see this guy. Tell me now, if I'm in his office, that means I can't see, correct? If I can't see, how am I able to read all the small print? This is how they take advantage of you. The small print says, "Your vision may be worse after your visit with the doctor" You can't see it, but you sign anyway because "Who really reads all that small print anyway?" No matter how bad he screws you up, at least he's covered legally. Meanwhile, you're screwed!

My next stop was at my family doctor the next morning. This guy always makes me fill out paperwork too! It doesn't make a difference if I were to see him today because if I come back tomorrow, I have to fill out the same paperwork all over again. I asked the lady at the desk, "What's going on? Are the computers down?" "No." She replied. "It's our new security policy. You'll have to do this every visit". Am I wrong, or is this new policy a little too late? Afterall, 9/11 was seven years ago. Unless I missed Bill O'Reilly one evening, a doctor needn't worry too much about someone coming in to play with the inventory. Here it is, seven years after the fact and no one is still for certain if that chemist that killed himself was the one who put Anthrax in the mail! Not only that, but if I have a nasty drug habit, my family physician is the last place I'd run to. The only "smack" this guy ever gave me was a "smack" on the ass when I was born. I hate to say it but, "security" is something I will refer to often in this post. As time has moved on from the 1960's to today, we've been trying like crazy to speed up the process of everything and making things simpler. As we began to worry about the ozone layer and global warming, paper was on it's way out and everything went on computer. All of a sudden, it seems we're going in reverse. Back to the old days where file cabinets were the norm. Hey, at least your ipod is helping you out for you. This computer nonsense in the real world is on it's way out. Here's another gripe about my doctor: While you wait for him to see you, he's got a brand new plasma television on the wall that's always tuned to Fox Business Channel and next to it is a sign that says, "Don't change the channel please". Is this a good thing? Did he not notice the sudden increase of blood pressure in his patients in October who must sit and watch all the bad things on Wall Street as you wait to see him? Typical of most doctors, mine also has a lot of old magazines laying around to keep you busy. As I was catching up on what's going on in Operation Desert Storm the other day from a 1990 Newsweek magazine, I thought it would be kind of funny to make up a couple of magazine covers on PhotoShop and staple them to some old magazines on my next visit. Instead of reading news from twenty years ago, a few clicks of the mouse will allow me to change the cover story and the date to twenty years into the future. The fun starts as soon as you sit back and take notice as people pick up a magazine and start glancing through. You thought the people at the Doctor are weird? How weird is it now that his office is in "The Twilight Zone"? He gives me a scrip and off I go to Walgreen's.

Upon returning home and opening the bottle of pills, I realize I was given the wrong thing by mistake and need to go back. I thought of a few other things I'd pick up as long as I'm going back there and here's where "security" springs into action again. I decide to get some AXE body soap. There are now two aisles of assorted scents to pick from. Needless to say, they are locked behind plexi-glass and I need an employee with a key to open the cabinet. Wouldn't you know it that I had the same luck when I spotted mouthwash and razor blades? Some of what I wanted only had floor samples and the real stuff was behind the counter at the pharmacy. All in all, it took about fifteen minutes to get only a few things because of "security". So, while at the pharmacy I tell the Pharmicist about the mix up with the pills. I hand her the open bag containing an open bottle of pills with all the seals broken, and she gladly takes it back without any problem, puts it back on the shelf and hands me the correct one. It's good to know that I can't taint a bottle of soap however, switching one pill with another is fine and dandy at least at Walgreen's.

"I'd like to dedicate this next song to..."

I turned on the television late last night only to realize that my prior chennel surfing much earlier had left me parked on The History Channel. Now, I'm not really too sure about what goes on there depending on what "daypart" I may tune in. In other words, the Neilson Ratings often reflect what the demographics are for a certain block of time. Maybe it's me, but I remember a time when History was exactly that. Matter of fact, it was like watching PBS with commercials and kind of a neat way to avoid actually opening up a history book in school. I've gotta tell you, a LOT has changed on the network in the last twenty something years since I actually paid attention. If not for the little "H" on the bottom of the screen, I'd swear I was watching E! or some mockumentary on MTV. I tuned in half way through a certain program which was all about conspiracy theories. A smorgasboard of topics came up and not one mention of J.F.K. or 9/11 that you usually hear about. This was a show about famous names in Hollywood and the mysterious circumstances in which they died. I knew that something was up as soon as they put Anna Nicole Smith and Kurt Cobain's deaths under a microscope suggesting that they didn't die from self medicating themselves with booze and pills but rather, may have been murdered. Now, there have been so many books and movies made about J.F.K., Marilyn Monroe, U.F.O.'s and Sasquatch, but who is the guy losing sleep over this stuff abd was it really newsworthy enough to make it on the same channel that keeps it's fan base due to Civil War re-enactments and WWII newsreels. I then realized, "Oh, this has something to do with Halloween coming around the corner" and then I got it. But it still doesn't make any sense. I guess this channel is now run by former staffers of TMZ. Someone actually is looking into the death of Nirvana's Kurt Cobain! If they want to investigate anything in this area, perhaps they ought to look into how it's possible that Tupac Shakur has been dead for a decade and still manages to come out with a new CD every year.

Going back to Nirvana, I just became aware of the latest rumor that happens to be circulating on the Internet about the popular Alt-Rockers The Foo Fighters who formed soon after Kurt Cobain's homicide or suicide or whatever as the brainstorm of Nirvana's Dave Grohl. It seems someone has come up with the idea that a song from several years ago was written as an homage to none other than John McCain. The song, "My Hero" has fuzzy lyrics that you can pretty much connect to anybody if you really want to. Matter of fact, the song came out just before McCain's last attempt at The White House in 2004 where he was eliminated as one of the candidates. This was also right after John McCain still spent the majority of his time as Senator in Arizona where he had a hard time recognizing MLK's Birthday as a Federal Holiday. Now, you may be thinking, "Why The Foo Fighters?" I agree. You would expect this sort of nonsense from a pokitical rock group like Megadeth or Rage Against The Machine. The Foo Fighters? They're harmless. They say a good writer often sleeps with a pen and a pad of paper next to the bed in case you happen to wake up with a thought so you can scribble it down. Hey, I don't. I don't think Dave Grohl does it either. Matter of fact, he thinks this whole story is nothing but a silly guy that started a silly rumor. Funny or not, this has led the rest of the band to start to wonder the same thing..."What WAS the song REALLY about anyway?" All Dave can do is shrug his shoulders and laugh. If he knows, he ain't telling. The laughter however, didn't last too long once the boys in the band got wind that McCain was using the song as an entrance theme for his persoanl appearances. I guess these guys are Democrats eh? They're not the first ones to make a fuss over a political figure using their song to get a quiet crowd stirred up. Heart and James Taylor already had it out with McCain's Camp over the use of their music without their permission. For Heart and James Taylor's sake, they should have just kept their mouths shut and let McCain keep doing what he's been doing. When was the last time one of their songs charted anyway? So, contrary to what you hear, there was no story behind the song and certainly no association with the man that wants to be President. In fact, as far as McCain is concerned, "Nirvana" is something he found after being released from his Vietnamese prison meanwhile, his father was busy with "The Foo Fighters" for his time in WWII. As for Dave Grohl and the rest of the band? I'd be surprised if they're even registered voters. So, let's put this conspiracy to rest!

"More Political Mumbo Jumbo" and "Elsie the Cow"

"Will the real "Maverick" please stand up?" OR "James Garner: Dead or Alive?" You know, all this political malarkey of last evenings "Presidential Debate" got me to thinking about a name we've heard tossed around like crazy the last few weeks. That name is, "Maverick". Both John McCain and Sarah Palin have used this name to describe what they believe they both are going into the final days of their 2008 Presidential campaign. Kind of funny, isn't it? Afterall, Sen. McCain was critical of Borack Obama's links to some of the big shots in Hollywood. I don't know if he realizes this or not however, as I recall, there was only one "Maverick" and that guy had his home in Hollywood. The original "Maverick" was none other than James Garner. Oh yes, there was another "Maverick" after Garner, but do you remember how he ranked? When Mel Gibson took it upon himself to reprise Graner's famous role, nobody seemed to notice. The movie was a bust and that was said to be the role that started Mel Gibson's career to tank. Then I got to thinking about James Garner, the man himself. Is he living or dead? I dunno. As I recall, his last job in television was playing the father of Kate Seagal on the late John Ritter sitcom, "7 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter". I also recall him winning an Emmy for something recently however, he was too sick to accept the honor in person. I tried to find an answer to my own question by going through the proper channels however, no one is able to answer if Mr. Garner is still with us. I'd like to hear his thoughts on the latest attempt to cash in on the "Maverick" name in Washington D.C. Methinks he's hard to get a hold of for a readon. I just want him to realize that he will always be known as the one and only, "Maverick", and that may help sales of the show's DVD's if nothing else.

Speaking of politics, drug store giant Walgreen's has had second thoughts about some of the Halloween costumes they are selling at their stores. Surprisingly, this has become a "mountain from a molehill" type scenario that stems from the issue of campaigning in the workplace. While the sales of Presidential Halloween costumes has become a big seller in recent years, Walgreen's has decided that displaying masks of McCain and Obama next to a mask of a guy with a butcher's knife through his head is a bad thing. WHY? They say that they don't want to sway anyone's opinion of either candidate this close to November. In other words, am I to understand this right??? Walgreen's cheap rubber masks may determine who I vote for? May change my mind? Puleaazzze! As I understand it, this issue has now been placed on the back burner and Corporate has left it up to the individual stores themselves to decide if they wish to continue to sell this stuff. These guys are on the same shelf, so what's the problem? They're getting their equal time! If I want, I can count the number of Joker masks in comparison to Batman that are on display. I'm guessing there would be a surplus of Batman considering Joker's popularity, and darnit! That isn't fair. Just let me ring up my Altoids so I can get the hell out of here! Geez!

"No need to buy the cow because THIS milk is free. So Take it. Drink it. Please?!" and then in a scene straight out of "Cops", the cow was placed into the backseat of a police cruiser and taken to the station to be booked. That's the way it went down in this otherwise sleepy Ohio town when an intoxicated woman donned a cow costume and ran through the streets and local schoolyard taunting adults and kids alike to come suck on her udders. At first, she was referring to the udders sewn into the costume but later, took it one step too far when she pulled out her own breasts and begged the same thing of the school children who ran away in horror. She did get arrested for a number of things that afternoon and the police identified her as the "Town drunk, where it's only a matter of time before she'll be back for something else." Hmmm. No word if this was a random act of drunken stuper or a brilliant way to get Ben and Jerry's attention after rumors of their "Mother's Milk" ice cream was revealed. Thanks, but I'll stick to Sorbet.