WOW!

Here's a photo of my second bride. Danielle Fishel. You may remember her from Boy Meets World. Boy is she lots of fun! That is, until Lisa gets home. Anywhoo, I'm trying to land an interview with the cute gal with the big boobs. Meanwhile Topinga, you make me springah! (For your Attorney's, this is only humor. You can't get blood from a turnip!)

A SNEAK PEAK AT 4.0 ARRIVING APRIL 1st

April 1st is only a few days away. Once a month we'll be awarding the "FU" award to someone who actually "fu**** up". To find out who made the cut, April 1st will give you all the answers...it ain't pretty!

The First Amendment Gets Taken To The Limit...

"Let's Go To The Hop"

Version 4.0 Arrives Next Week. Meanwhile...

Paul McCartney's former true love Heather Mills is fresh from taking Sir Paul to the cleaners. Just in time to head to the United States for Dancing With the Stars. In a dream I had, Heather Mills lost the competition however, her leg went on to win it all! It was only a dream.

"Oprah's big goof"

Let's give a hoot and a holler for the Queen of the United States. A black lady known as Oprah Winfrey.

The thing that really got my goat was Oprah's finances being dumped into a private girls school in Africa. Please keep in the back of your mind that all of us who pay taxes are akkowing everything to flow directky into Oprah's purse. From there it goes to Africa and here's where it gets funny.

Let's see...Oprah's been talking about charity for years now. Oprah opened up a school in Afruca which is more like a prison. It's for blacks only and it has very strict rules. While Oprah paces the floor, the kids in Africa are only allowed a few moments online on weekends. Everything else gets screened. Other than that, you send your BLACK child to Oprah's camp. I encourage you all to write Oprah and ask her about playing the race card. Can we ever get along?

"Regis, WWE,and black comedy...or reality?"

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  Here it is in brief. Matter of fact, as I write these briefs I'm wearing my briefs. First off the top of my list, I'm gonna say a few things about someone I know...This "Ham and Egger" was part of my wedding party from seven years back. He then moved to Peoria, AZ where he may be enjoying some monkey business with Lou Panella and The Cubs for Spring Training. I'd love to post the telephone number however, to avoid potemtial litigation I can't. James Ward, Peoria, AZ.
• Goodness gracious. Regis has health problems? He's having not a single or a double...nope. This guy is set to have a TRIPLE BYPASS. No more Regis and Kelly Live. From here on out, it's going to be Kelly Live. We can hear all about her kids and her adorable husband. Who ate whatever for breakfast and what time they pooped. The way Regis and Howie Mandel constantly kiss one another's ass, I'd take a guess that God forbid Regis dies during surgery, Howi Mandel will take Regis' place. Yeah, Achtung Baby! Get well soon Mr. Philbin.
• I want to give a shout out to the "Sports Entertainers" of the WWE. Yeah, the stories are scripted but the bumps, and broken bones are real. With Wrestlemania days away, these guys have got some balls. C.E.O. Vincent Kennedy McMahon laid down the law to the whole roster. If you work for the WWE and leave the house, you must go out acting and dressed in character. In other words, if you see The Undertaker at the airport, don't dare call him by his real name of Mark Calloway because he'll either ignore you or yell at you. I'll tell you one thing: If The Undertaker gets on my plane dressed like death, I'll take the next flight please.
• Finally, a "shout out" to Mr. Richard Jeni. Jeni was a staple on Comedy Central and HBO. This guy was always on the brink of stardom but never quite made it to the level of having his own show. Yes, this guy most recently wrote episodes for fellow comedian Kevin James' King of Queens and Chris Rock's Everybody Hates Chris. The 49 year old Jeni went haywire the other day and while playing with a gun with a girlfriend in the room, went to the bathroom with the gun and...well, you know. Comedy is really nothing more than tragedy in disguise.
  

"Playing with cocks er, CLOCKS"

Now, here's a subject I forgot to address: Tinkering around with the time and all the damn clocks in the house. A big "Thank You", or should I say, "F.U." to the asshhole in Washington who pushed for the passing of moving up Daylight Savings Time and extending it to nearly the end of November. Is it me, or is this whole shebang friggin stupid? One guy has decided that this whole thing will save energy. It's nice to know that this bill was zipped through Congress quicker than a Texas tornado while there's a lot of unanswered questions in Iraq and most recently, Walter Reed Hospital where veteranss must fight off cockroaches and rats while at the same time trying to hang on for dear life to their nearly blown off legs. I guess this whole time thing was more important. If my bills get cut in half as a result of this switch, I'm not going to complain. We can save even more energy if we didn't have to change the clocks for what is no more than 10 weeks which is silly. OK idiots in Washington...we moved the clocks an hour ahead today to save money. Tell you what, let's leave things the way it is? Better yet, we can really save a lot of money if we push the clocks ahead another hour or two. Sure, it won't get dark in California until midnight but, look at all the energy we'd be saving! Al Gore would be happy...Me? I ain't that crazy about some idiot in a suit that I've never met telling me when to wake up and when to go to bed.

Another poop-er-ee of viruses, Birthday in a cave, and "Cheers" to Boston, among other things.

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  Jimminey Pete's...I so do love when a smart ass happens to send me a virus that cripples my computer for a few weeks. And this time around, it happened at a time where I needed the moral support from those who read on a regular basis. During the time the virus hit, I was able to watch on television the temporary burial of Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears shaving her head and going into rehab, and within the past few days, Eddie Van Halen entering rehab again for the whatever the tally is. I guess that explains why he made his 15 year old son Wolfgang the new drummer of the new Van Halen with no comment from ex-wife Valerie Bertanelli. . One person who did talk was David Lee Roth who suggested this whole reunion deal is a load of poop because nobody bothered to even invite him. They automatically assumed he was ready to jump on board. While Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Eddie VH try to dry out, good luck to 'em all on a speedy recovery...don't forget the lithium and zoloft either. We also have the makings for the beginning of what could be a dirty Presidential race. I could never run for political office you see, because I have way to many skeletons in my closet. So, what about everyone else? Hillary Clinton? A good, loyal wife to Bill that turns the other cheek when the Commander-In-Chief accepts "favors" from a White House intern. A good wife for a lot of guys who get into trouble but President? Nope. Maybe shampooing the carpeting in the Oval Office or color coordinating the draps with the over 200 year old lead filled paint on the walls. Borack Obama? Here's another character that has trouble right out of the gate. Depending on what day of the week it is, he's either white or he's black. On second thought, maybe he would be a good President. Let's face facts...one day perhaps not in our lifetime, there will be a black President. Obama would make a good "transition". We don't want to go from Bush to that guy from The Green Mile. This is something we have to take into consideration. And now to the news of the week...
• Osama Bin Laden celebrates a milestone...or does he? The Associated Press reported yesterday that it was Osama's Bin Laden's Birthday on Saturday. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble had a house address however, Bin Laden doesn't have anything on the front of his cave. No Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, no singing telegrams...nothing. Here this guy turns 50 once in a lifetime and no fanfare. Yeah, I know.I thought he was 70 too. Believe it or not, yesterday the government was monitoring all emails that some in the U.S. sent the bastard. Wow! This guy is on kidney dialysis and is able to read Birthday cards off the Internet? Either caves have come a long way, or there's one tired Teradactyl running on a treadmill in Pakistan to generate power for this guy. Here's hoping the other 50 years of his will give the devil a good workout as he turns Bin Laden's body over the coals periodically over the rest of eternity.
• Finally, on a rather somber note, Boston is no more. This week, lead singer Brad Delp passed away at 55. I write about this for one reason: A concert in Wisconsin that took place exactly one day after the helicopter crash that killed Stevie Ray Vaughn and members of Eric Clapton's band at Alpine Valley. I was a little bit iffy about going there thinking maybe this show would be postponed. Well, this group played,,,and because of the circumstances of the day before, played all their albums from beginning to end in what was probably a five hour show. In the past, this group would rarely go on tour and rarely release new records unless they were perfect. In the 1990's Brad Delp left the group to sing for another...RTZ that scored somewhat of a hit with, "When your love comes back around". At this point, Boston chugged along with other singers until he returned for their final release Corporate America from a few years ago. The record was basically a disaster proving Boston may have already run it's course. Anyway, unfortunately, I won't be able to see the group again who still hold a spot in my top five concerts of all time.
  
  

WARNING: This ain't for kids...or sensative women either.

OK peeps, here's the deal: A PC virus knocked me out at a time I needed this outlet the most and has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth (Hey, God only knows what was going on in Anna Nicole's mouth before her untimely demise). Let me say this...NEVER at any point in history was it cool for anyone to be under the influence of anything while in the public eye. Are we STUPID, or what? Jiminey Pete's, I didn't know we put that chick in office to tell the rest of the world that everyone in America rolls out of bed in the morning and smokes weed, pops pills, and washes it all down with Slim-Fast. You didn't even have to spin her around once or twice blindfolded to get this broad all f***ed up because she was all f****ed up in the first place.

A QUEEN FOR A DAY OR ETERNITY?! While Anna Nicole wastes away in her fancy casket in the Bahamas, TV reporters make sure to pound in our head that Anna's life mirrored Marilyn Monroes. OK, maybe so depending on what she weighed at the moment. Maybe she had the hair and the poses squared away however, Anna didn't sleep with Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawford, or President John F. Kennedy. Hell, the rumor is, she had 'em all at the same time and had so much fun that she popped out Sammy's glass eye! Anna had two Howard Sterns after her as well as Ozzy Osbourne. See the difference?

RUMORS? Whenever some sap in the headlines dies, the first thing the tabloids do is "ghost chase" a story that doesn't exist. Here it is according to a compilation of reports..."Allegedly" due to all the nonsense over who the Daddy of Anna's baby is, it is said that Anna's body had been cut at the mid-section prior to her burial, and the remaining portion of the body from the waist down was placed in a deep freezer at an L.A. hospital where once assembled together, all men who claim they are the Father of her child will be asked to try on what's left "on for size". An unidentified Doctor explained, "They slip it in there and it's like trying on a shoe. If it doesn't fit, all I can do is ask who's next in line...kinda like Cinderella". Ooh yeah, one side of Walt Disney that nobody got to see.

"Now You've Done It!" Ya Asshole!

Hey peeps?! What's happened to "The Squealing Pig"? Some jerky thought it would be a hoot to give my computer a virus. Not to worry, we'll be back soon and angrier than ever.