"Intersection", "The great pick me ups", and "Smashing bad pumpkins"

• Doin' my job "Old Style" before catching up with "Jack, Jim, and Jose" - In today's abbreviated post I take a look at a few things that even YOU can feel free to discuss at the water cooler on Friday! Hey, somewhere up in Northern Illinois earlier this week an elderly man dressed as a crossing guard was lying face down in the street with a car stopped a few feet away from the man. A woman taking the kids to school sees what's going on and immediately pulls out the phone to call the cops assuming the stopped car in the middle of the street hit the man. The woman in the car closest to the man frantically tries to talk her way out of the situation to bystanders. She never hit the guy! She gives the same story to the cops while EMT's arrive and turn the guy over who is still breathing. They attempt to have his car towed while he goes to the hospital and come across a mountain of beer cans on the passanger side floorboard. Well, at the ER the police get the news and have staffers administer a breathalizer test. As suspected, the old guy was reporting to work intoxicated. He would have been helping school kids cross a busy street while being OVER four times the legal limit in Illinois. Nobody hit the guy. He just staggered into the street at 6:30 AM and fell face first orange vest, stop sign and all. Needless to say, upon being discharged a few days later, his job had been filled. Parents are still outraged that cops had no legal grounds for a DUI although, he did pick up several tickets anyway. I Think my mentioning this is punishment enough for the guy. Here's to ya!
• You know who "Matthew Lesko" is? He's the annoying guy with television commercials filmed around the U.S. Capital. He wears red framed glasses and wears a neon green suit covered with question marks like "The Riddler". While he hops and jumps around like he's got ants in his pants, he tells us about all the things the government can give us for free (ONLY if you pay the $30 for his book). Now everyone...he's expanding to other areas. One of his little secrets he says, is if you play your cards right you can get free coffee at Starbucks for life! (Didn't Kramer get this deal on "Seinfeld" when he settled a lawsuit for spilling hot coffee?). Now, Fox News was supposed to give away the secret you need to do this however, a good magician never reveals how the trick was done. Mmmkay, you can get pretty much anything for free if you just slip and fall, grab your back and scream, and threaten to call your attorney. Think about this carefully, do some planning in advance, and you can pretty much avoid paying for anything, ANYWHERE. I didn't watch Fox long enough to see the whole trick. I'm more concerned about cocaine.
• "Cocaine". is now a brand name that has an "R" inside of a circle. It's a drink that can be found in the 7-11 refrigerator next to "Red Bull". There's no age requirement for this new drink however, the name alone is making some places nervous about selling this stuff to kids and it could result in a misunderstanding typical of "Three's Company" when parents ask, "Hey Junior, what do you have there?"and Junior replies, "Oh nothing. Just Cocaine". Remember "Jolt" Cola in the 1980's? nobody liked that name either because kids were buying it, and God knows they don't need a can of soda equal in caffeine to five cups of coffee. "Jolt" is still out there in certain places if you look long and hard enough. "Red Bull" is everywhere and advertises as well as sponsor sporting events. I don't think you'll be seeing this happen with "Cocaine", which is supposed to be 10x stronger than The Bull. What they fail to realize is that these things are used primarily as mixers in bars and clubs and not The World's Strongest Man competitions on ESPN. I must get some Cocaine just for the novelty.
• Finally, heeeeere's Halloween. It seems there's always got to be something to spoil the fun each year, Blame it on the guy who makes the weather. Pumpkins were picked especially early this year because well, you can't count on the weather for anything lately. It wasn't your imagination. Pumpkins really were up for sale in September at grocery stores and farmstands. For people who look forward to this orange mess full of goop for cooking and baking, you've probably already gutted the suckers and pulled out the slimy, seedy inside to make your cakes and pies. If you're like me, you say ,"Who the @*&! cares?!" Let's face it, people ran out to get these to carve and seeing they were starting to go bad, already carved them up. Now they're really going bad and are a day or two from hitting the trash. Will you get another one? Don't be stupid! There's plenty of other "round" things to carve. If you can still find a good one, how about a melon? Cantaloupe, honeydew, musk, water. How about a potato or coconut? Think small this year and do a grapefruit or orange. If you're really talented, carve a lime like they do in that Corona Beer commercial, Lastly, you can be like me and close the blinds and turn off the lights and pretend nobody's home!