"The year without a Santa Claus","Fun with quarters" and "The Colonel's makeover"

• Sorry Kids...no more Santa. It seems as though while the jolly fat man works hard all year for December 25th, he got himself into a little trouble with the IRS for not paying property taxes on his suburban Chicago home. He's now left town as well as a nearly $200,000 debt. If you haven't heard the news, Santa's Village in East Dundee, IL just had it's "Everything must go!" sale today. Everything from the urinals in the men's room, to the rickety old roller coasters, and even Santa's Fruit of the Looms were put up for auction. One of the roller coasters sold for over $300,000! Hey geniuses...All you had to do is sell that one thing and you'd have your money so you could stay open! It was a tame place that was kid friendly. According to one of the property owners, places such as Six Flags with roller coasters that reach the stratosphere and go around 100 mph are more fun. I say, they're deadly the way they turn you upsidedown and cause you to pass out and poop in your pants as well as coughing up your lunch. Hey, have you ever heard of someone getting killed at Santa's Village? It's impossible considering their tallest roller coaster reached a staggering 7 feet tall and traveled at 3 mph. Well, Wal-Mart has already shown interest in the property. The only ride there will be the parents pushing their kids in the shopping carts. Yes, yours truly popped in for a visit with Santa one summer day in 1970. All I got that day was this picture. All Santa got was a lap full of pee after scaring the b'jesus out of me. Do I remember that day? Nope. The photos however, make it look like a fun place. Oh well, you can never have enough Wal-Marts or Applebee's. Not to worry though...search The Web and you'll discover more than a dozen other Santa's Villages across America. When planning your vacation for next year, watch the kids eyes light up when you tell them no Disney this time...we're going to California to see Santa. Needless to say, much of the history being sold today was snatched up by owners of the other amusement parks. Some things were bought by collectors who will now have happy neighbors once they look out the kitchen window and see a roller coaster.
• "Hey Mom, can I have a quarter to try and win the kid inside the crane game?" Sure, that's how it happened at an undisclosed Wisconsin store over the weekend. Some kids went shopping with Grandma and were being a pain in the ass like most kids are, Grandma gave each of the kids a couple bucks to "get lost for awhile" at the front of the store where all the video games and the infamous crane game sat alongside the wall. Another kid tugged on his Mom's coat to tell her about the kid inside the plexiglass box with the crane. Yup, there he was sitting in a pile of stuffed animals happy as a clam. A call to 911 resulted in the arrival of the police and fire department which didn't do any good. You see, nobody had a key to the lock, and they weren't able to break the glass. Making matters worse, the manufacturer was out in California. The police then slipped the toddler some tools and some handy instructions on how to get himself out. The kid did it. After a few hours he was free and put David Blaine to shame while Grandma clutched her chest and needed oxygen. So what was so important that the youngster had to climb through a one way opening and get trapped? A stuffed Spongebob Squarepants that he had to have. When all the excitement came to a close, the little whippersnapper walked out the door empty handed and with a spanking from Grandma. Grandma wasn't let off the hook either. The kid's Mom told her that because of her carelessness, she would now be "dead to her". Now, those crane games are a ripoff anyway because the hook never picks anything up. What's more, that toy he was after was made in China. Someone should have grabbed that Spongebob and just given it to the kid. Anyone that would get themselves in a dilly of a pickle like that deserves it if only for the effort!
• Remember when KFC changed it's name baxk to Kentucky Fried Chicken last year? That lasted only a little while before they went back to KFC. Now, they're playing around with the Colonel himself...again. The four examples above are some of the images that have appeared on the chicken bucket. Surprisingly, as time goes on, Sanders is getting visably younger. In two or three years we may see the Colonel with a bad dye job, clean shaven, and wearing contacts. Who's in charge of marketing over there? This is like McDonald's retooling Ronald McDonald and dropping the clown thing without the makeup and silly suit. He'd look like "Napolean Dynamite" and that would make me defect to Arby's.