"86ing the white and blue"

...As American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, Chevrolet, and Japan? Oh, you'd better believe it! These things (sans the Japanese flag) are what being an American is all about, especially on a week like the first week in July. It's supposed to be a great time however, one New York hot dog stand has wrecked the whole kit and kaboodle and that place is, Nathan's Red Hots. When Nathan's decided to mass produce these weiners and bring them to our midwest supermarkets, they arrived here with very little fanfare. Draw your own conclusion but, New Yorkers still like to argue over who invented deep dish pizza. Because of that, why should Chicagoans care about some silly hot dogs? Besides, Nathan's is co-owned and operated with Kenny Roger's Roasters, a name that will live on forever thanks to the bright neon sign that forced Kramer to switch apartments with Jerry Seinfeld. I gotta tell you, they're a good hot dog but, that's no excuse for Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eating Championship, a yearly event that in recent years has litterally "gone to the dogs". Now, you might take it for granted that a 400 lb man nicknamed "Big Earl" would be a shoo in win the trophy for most fogs consumed. This hasn't been the case for nearly a decade! What makes this so extraordinary is that the winners have all come from Asia where the average male is 5' tall and weighs in at 130 lbs! Never mind what you hear about education in America,,, this goes to show that Americans are lazy when it comes to eating too! "Big Earl" ought to be ashamed of himself for letting the Japanese win this contest! I would say that maybe the Japanese are more focused and take competition more seriously than us, even if it's just for a silly belt, trophy, and bragging rights. Some of the other things taken more seriously include pro wrestling. Yeah, over there people really do get hurt when broken glass, thumbtacks, barbed wire, and fire work their way into JPW. Game shows are another fine example. Ever see the one where contestants take turns on a real life set of Donkey Kong? This sure isn't Wheel of Fortune! A few years back in one of my posts here I displayed an actual letter that I wrote to Nathan's about how "un-American" it was to award the prizze to another country. Perhaps my timing wasn't too great considering that 9/11 had happened just the year before but, I never did get any feedback. The contest takes a lot more prep work than skipping breakfast that morning like "Big Earl" did! The Japs condition themselves in such a way that the pint sized winner of it all who just got done eating 50 hot dogs buns and all, needs only an hour rest before hitting one of New York's many steakhouses. Grab some mustard, relish, onions, and a pickle on top for a Chicago style dog and help us win back the belt for the 4th of July!

"Dear Mr. Bill..."

A Tribute to Mr. William Gates

"Dear Mr. William Gates:
I'm writing to wish you the best of luck on your retirement from Microsoft. You worked very hard to become a multi billionaire and you deserve an enormous amount of respect and admiration from the "average Joes" such as myself. You started off a nerdy college student putzing around in your dorm room with Steve Jobs and electronics. At a time when computers were getting started and were large enough for just a single one to fill the space of a warehouse just to add two plus two, you were a visionary and saw that one day in the future a single computer chip could be made as small as the head of a hat pin. This letter is to thank you dear sir, for changing the world to what it is today. You have clearly proven that machines would one day rule the world. It's all because of you and Mr. Case! By the way, I'm sorry the friendship between the both of you ended on such a sour note. The guy just wanted a 50% investment in the company you both created. You stood firm however, and said that the idea was yours and yours alone. He may have moved on to Apple soon after but, Apple will always be second banana to Microsoft...Always! I first of all, want to thank you for making computers so smart. Doggone it, they're just like humans... they work themselves to death and never complain to the boss, have no need for a cigarette break, the half hour lunch, or time to use the bathroom. Just like real people, they get pushed and pushed harder careful not to make mistakes but, on occasion they do. How many times I've put the blame on computer errors for not paying the electric bill and letting my car insurance lapse. Someone has to take the blame, right? I also thank you for the need not to communicate with others. Because of you, spouses don't have to speak to one another, children find middle aged friends to chat with and share McDonald's with, and oh yeah, thank goodness I can call cusromer service anywhere and not have to talk to a person. You made that simple too. I merely have to press "2" if I want the message in English or "0" to connect to a live operator that turns out to be someone's voice mail so I can leave a message. I especially like the latest trick of calls during dinner time where a computer calls me and asks me to "please hold on the line for ten minutes so an operator can speak to you". How about that? The computer calls me and wants ME to HOLD THE LINE and wait. Now, that's a neat trick! Thanks again to you or Al Gore or whoever invented the Internet. I know you created e-mail in the early 1970's but I'll bet you didn't realize that spam would become more than slimey pork in a can, did you? While on the subject, the Internet has brought me closer with family all around the globe. Sadly, most of my family is located in Africa, China, or India and most died in an accident and left money for me even though I never met them. The "password protection" idea was good too. I don't have just one password that covers everything on the Internet, I have a whole list of them! No matter what I choose or how peculiar the word, someone has already picked it before me. If I lost it, no problem...I can re-register on two pages and get a new password via e-mail. If I STILL can't get into a website with my password, I can try and decode a word in a box that looks psychodelic, all bunched together and twisted in a swirl. Sometimes it takes a half an hour to get it right, but it's fun! Thanks for everything Bill. Without you, WINDOWS would just be something we open up to let the sunshine in."

"From Imus to high gasoline prices...whatta HELL of a week!"

Just like a Timex, Imus keeps ticking and gets another ass kicking courtesy of Rev. Jackson and Rev. Sharpton! Is Don Imus the new voice of America, or ar Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton just anxious to use their frequent flier incentives before the whole airline industry rolls over and dies? Hmmm... perhaps a little bit of both. Don't blame generations of hardships on this old shock jock from the wild west. He's simply the conduit which relays something back to us that we pretty much figured out already: America is indeed a nation full of racism from every angle. Just take a look at Sen. Obama. Here's a guy that came out of nowhere to earn the top spot as the Democratic nominee for President. If you're on his side or not, this nation made up of red, white, and blue, is more grayscale than anything else. Now that he's winning in the polls for his proposal of America needing a "Change", it's time to get down to business and focus on this African American man running for President. Never mind the colors of the flag...America's real colors are definitely black and white. It doesn't matter who started this argument but, the proof is in the poll results and soundbytes of people on the street and it can't be avoided. Everything that happens next in the race will in fact, come down to race and you're right, it IS a shame! If you want to be mad at Imus, be angry for what he didn't say. He simply agreed with someone's statement about black athletes in trouble with the law. The majority of sports is African American...that's a fact. It's also a fact that the majority of athletes getting charged with something is a fact. That doesn't mean that whites are exempt either. Bottom line is, Imus should have said more than "there you go" when reacting to the news story. Shame on him. Athletes of EVERY race have the notion that they can get away with anything because of who they are. When you get signed to a franchise to make millions immediately out of school, you now have a responsinility. Get your head out of your ass and step up! Don't make goofy excuses for your stupid behavior. A few D.U.I.'s takes the focus off the team and puts the light on you! Quite honestly, these guys have it too good. One strike is enough for me. Too bad you still have to open your wallet even when you let someone go nut hey, he's got a contract and you gotta pay. Leave Imus alone! Remember, with fame comes misfortune. A sour "taste" is still in my mouth from past "Tastes of Chicago" Shish-ka-bobs, fried turkey legs, deep dish pizza by the slice, and Eli's Cheesecake for dessert...NOT! The Taste is about to become a game of scavenger hunting with the old GPS ib hand. In what is becoming a harder find than a Susan B. Anthony dollar, one can only put the blame on our current status in RECESSION. Don't believe what the bloated politicians say on Sunday morning television. It's not "coming down the pike" as they say, it's already here! The Taste was once the place to be around July 4th and this year, you really have to look for it. It's gotta be the pits for people that visit annually. I haven't been for years and the last time I was, five things set me back nearly $40! Add the cost to a hot and humid day shoulder to shoulder bumping into people and a hot ride home on a metra train smelling like boiling urine and cheap malt liquor and call it a good time? No thanks. I'll be damned if I stake out a spot at Grant Park 36 hours before a ten minute fireworks show! "Go See A Movie! The New Pixar Flick Is Decades Before It's Time! " ...Dean Richards, WGN news. What's with this guy? There's at least four or five computer generated movies for kids every year. Why am I supposed to believe that in the past month since Kung Foo Panda was released, that we have suddenly travelled light years into the future with this weekend's opening of Wall-E? What kind of new tricks did Disney Pixar come up with that will "Wow!" me out of my stadium seat? Disney is the proverbial pimp to our kids who pee their pants over the excitement of these films. Walt Disney ought to be ashamed of himself once again. He's the only dead guy I know that still pickpockets money from the living. It's genius! Penn and Teller and David Blaine do this trick at their shows in Vegas. I'll never be surprised at what the different brand names of Disney try to dish out next. You do have a choice though. keep your money to worry how to pay for your next meal or spend it foolishly on Uncle Walt and "Wall-E". Ain't it clever how they worked his name into the film? Now, if Wall0E jumps out of the screen and slaps me in the head, THAT's light years ahead of it's time and chances are, I deserved it. Finally, here's my thought on holiday travel...60 Minutes ran a piece a few weeks ago about fuel, AGAIN! True, people can't afford to go anywhere. Getting to the job is hard enough and planes and trains are becoming those extra perks that go along with being a millionaire. The story started back about ten years ago with some stoned college kids and their "lame brained" idea of converting a car to run on cooking oil. To do so would cost about $3000 however, the "fuel" would be free. Just make sure you're near a fast food place because the manager will be happy to get rid of all the muck in his grease pit to some goofy kids and their project. Here we are ten years later and this crazy idea has become such a welcome alternative to gasoline. Restaurants are paying truckers to haul the stuff away, and now people are grabbing up cooking oil so fast that a semi tanker truck is easily emptied by grease bandits who prey on truckers' idle rigs while they stay the night at a motel or even while they're in the truck sleeping. It's literally like gold! Here's something we can all agree on and it's free to make and use. All we need are a couple stupid college kids and some money to make our automobiles run on pee! Need fuel? Drink your six to eight glasses of water a day and you'll pump this stuff out like crazy. In case of emergency, leave a six pack of Old Style in the trunk to get results quicker. Open up the gas tank and let your boy do it's thang! Ladies may have a problem but not to worry...wherever there's liquid to drink, there's pee to be made! Carry a can in the trunk along with a siphon. They said that by year's end gasoline may crawl to $7.00 a gallon. If that happens, I say, "Piss on it" and I mean it quite literally. Now fellas, let's get this project going. You know one day this is going to happen!

"She's alive, but a little screwed in the head!"

• 
  
  
  
  
  Heather Locklear: From the "Casting Couch" to the "Psychiatrists Couch" in a few simple steps (Or, "We knew this was gonna happen one day") When Heather's name is mentioned, men automatically say," Damn! She looks good for her age" while the ladies say, "what a damn good actress!" Me? I say, none of the above. Okay, she DOES look good for her age! Good actress? Nah! While I would normally be sympathetic for someone like her that is seeking help for ddepression, anxiety, and stress, this is a classic case of "karma". You see, all the bad luck she unknowingly inflicted on her peers has come back to her and is driving her crazy! Don't refer to her as being a "lucky charm", think of her more as the idol that Bobby Brady found and wore around his neck while in Hawaii. You'll understand in a minute how Heather Locklear happily signs the death certificate of some of your favorite shows and puts a hundred or so people out of work at the drop of a hat! Take a gander at Heather's resume online. To type all the information as it is would give me Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by the time I was done! She's one of those actors that when you see them turn up on your favorite show, you know it's days are numbered. Her two page resume (which requires a magnifying glass to view) is filled with a smorgasboard of movie and tv roles long forgotten. I'll bet you didn't know that Heather popped up in the final few episodes of the following:
• CHiPs
• The New Beverly Hillbillies (1981)
• Dynasty
• Battle of the Network Stars
• Blood Sport
• Texas Justice
• Spin City
• Scrubs
• The Fall Guy
• *Hannah Montana
• *Hanna Montana The Movie (2009)
• * Boston Legal
  

"*" Denotes still in production or completed

So, what do you get when you mix all this bad luck with squabbling Ex's, friends and lovers like Richie Sambora, Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson, Denise Richards, and Charlie Sheen? PROZAC or REHAB! I say, let the woman take her meds and let Dr. Phil pick her brain a little bit. Afterall, she already tried killing herself once, so they say. Remember when Boston Legal was red hot? After awhile, the audience grew tired seeing a bloated William Shatner and James Spader sitting in their office and sipping Cognac and smoking cigars. Heather moved herself in as a fresh face and now the once "top ten" rated show airs at various times on various days of the week as a "filler" kind of like According to Jim. With Heather away getting her head on straight, Boston Legal may suffer a slow, painful death. ABC better call in another of Heather's Ex's, David Spade. He'll shut down production in no time. Meanwhile, don't let that gal say we never warned her this would happen. Get well soon Heather!

"To Serve and Protect" ...If it's OK with you

"FREEZE SCUMBAG! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! Now, before I read your Miranda Rights, let me call my Captain and attorney to make sure I did this according to protocol!" One of America's toughest jobs is getting tougher every single day. All the stereotypes of cops spending half of their shifts at Dunkin Donuts is quickly becoming reality... sad, isn't it? It's not very often that I take sides with a policeman, but in this case, I am because being a cop has turned out to be a career that no one in particular wants anymore. Remember the good old days when you would see a cop in your rearview mirror with his lightbar flashing blue and red? It always got me worked up into a frenzy for no reason at all. I'd be on pins and needles for the two minutes he stepped back into his car to run my plates and license through. I had no reason to be nervous but I was. Maybe it was because this guy was an "Authority Figure"? Who knows? I'd get a warning or a speeding ticket and be on my way taking it easy the rest of the trip to where I was headed and that was the end of it. In 2008, the standard practice of stopping someone on the street for whatever reason has turned into a game of cat and mouse. It only gets worse. Now, I'll bet you didn't know that such big cities like New York, Los Angeles and Chicago are hiding a conspiracy. While statistics show such places at the top of the list for criminal activity, a few minutes spent inside these places paint a differen't picture. The police they say, are targeting the innocent and stirring up the pot of an otherwise peaceful community. You know what I'm talking about. Police get called to a robbery in progress and the alleged criminal runs out the door firing a handgun towards the officers. They shoot him. Next thing you know, the whole neighborhood is seen on tv defending the criminal and even suggesting he either had no weapon or it was a squirt gun or my favorite being, the cops planted it on the guy. The result? Cops doing their job and at the same time getting susprnded while the controversey gets bigger and bigger. Before you know it, a Jesse Jackson and an Al Sharpton are coming to town to get the heads of these nasty cops! This happens every day and has turned "The Law" into a joke. These men and women are expected to show up at work and not do their job because they're afraid of losing their job, getting hit with a lawsuit, or getting killed themselves! Maybe they should do away with the police and make drugs and guns legal. It would be a lot better than it is now. It's like a second grade teacher sending the troublsome kid to "timeout" for ten minutes. Yes, there's a good chance that ten minutes after that the kid will do the same thing again. However, prison has made "timeout" easier for lawbreakers. While you're in "the Joint", you now have access to all kinds of legal information and can now learn the "ins and outs" of the law amd how to beat the system. Everything from a loud car stereo to a homicide has so many loopholes that it can make a cop crazy and give up. The cops are afraid and it's not their fault. It's sad but true, in this day and age the crooks have outsmarted the cops. Maybe it's time we all go back to school ...with an AK-47 in hand of course.

Remembering George Carlin...

Note: I spent four years at a University to earn a B.A. in Radio and Television. This included a few years of Broadcast Law where George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" . His comedy routine is still used to this day as the foundation for over the air broadcasting in radio and television. I will never forget my final exam in Law where one of the questions required us to write the seven dirty words in any order, on the test. Oh yes, we had to memorize the words and give them back to instructor Michael Starr. The only class I ever had where profanity was encouraged. Here is the script of Carlin's comedy act which ended up in Supreme Court...

The big seven words you weren't allowed to broadcast were: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.




Here is the original Carlin comedy routine that caused the Fracas.
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.
We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.
And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.
Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.
Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.
And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. But forget about that. A little accidental humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit, but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'
And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I don't really...well, this is some more accidental humor, but I don't really want to get into that now. Because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I of course agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that. But I would like to take it a step further. I would like to substitute the word fuck, for the word kill in all those movie cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.' So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on that word. I hope so.
Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.
But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed three times. It's in the bible.' There are some Two-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy [mis-spelled in original transcription. -ed.] to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no."

From the Earth, to the Moon, to Mars, and back again to the Moon?!!

Way back when, in 20th Century 1969, Americans set foot on the moon. Fast forward to the 21st Century 2008. All eyes are on the planet Mars. For over twenty years now, our government has been sending all kinds of space junk to the red planet. Many of these robot missions ended without success until the Mars Rover made a safe trip several years ago and managed to send back photos of the terrain via satellite. The conclusion was that indeed, the "soil" of mars was red and like powder. All this scientific data ran up a bill close to several hundred million dollars which by the way, anyone could have done this from the earth for nothing. In the end, we learned of the extreme temperatures from daylight to darkness as well as the intense gravitational pull. Gravity is so heavy that a human would likely get smashed like a pancake immediately after exiting the spacecraft. But doggone it, NASA still had to find water there somewhere to prove that Orson Welles may have been right all along. Just a few days ago, a new robot began it's journey over the surface only to discover that merely a few inches under the surface showed proof of frozen water. Big Deal! Now that we have this information we can only speculate that the pyramids in Eqypt and Stonhenge were constructed by something or someone not from this earth. Now, I don't know what they'll look for next but, at the same time Nasa is already packing their suitcases ro make a return trip to the moon... IN 2025! That trip isn't as important as Mars however, which is closer to get to? NASA has a good point: when they say that going back to the moon will be very complex due to the fact that spacesuits need to be created from scratch with longevity in mind. The plan is to construct labs on the moon's surface. Such a task would force some of these guys to live in that environment for perhaps several years until the construction is finished. In other words, back in 1969 when they didn't have a clue what to expect when we got to the moon, it was pretty flawless. They practically did it with a simple suit and oxygen tank for pete's sake! Keep that in mind the next time some actor pleads with you on a tv ad to help the people displaced by the extreme weather here on Earth. As for "going green", I say "That's my kid's problem" My generation didn't cause this mess in the first place of course, I can think of a billion ways to spend a billion dollars by exploring the land outside my door. Take that Al Gore!

"Putting some fichizzle into your Saturday"

...And the Daytime Emmy for outstanding editing goes to: Borack Obama and his clip called, "Getting rid of the Muslim woman wearing the headscarf"! Senator Obama couldn't be here tonight to personally accept the award ... Why? because he was too embarrased to show up! Okay, he wasm't nominated for anything however, if such an award were given out, his team would win it hands down. Why would he insist that this lady be zapped out in Photoshop? Election time is getting closer and with that in mind, the jibber-jabber is already taking place about the situation in Afghanistan. The Taliban has their ears open as to what's going on in D.C. and as they increase their stronghold in that part of the globe, rumors are already circulating that a new President in the White House along with a whole new roster will result in a big mess thus, allowing National Security to become blind to any possible attacks. Ehis woman wasn't looking for a "photo op", she wasn't even aware of the picture flap until it became an issue on the cable news networks. Now this picture snafu has led the Obama supporter to contemplate switching her allegience to the Republican side. While Obama apologized and called this "an error in judgement", Sen. McCain is prepared to welcome the woman as a supporter. "She's more than welcome to climb aboard my journey to the White House... I have no issues with Islams. All my anger is directed to the Asians rhat kept me in the P.O.W. camp and bottom line is, I'll never have stir fry at one of my Presidential dinners." Hmmm??!! Snoop Dogg ready to deposit Cash at the bank! I would have never believed it had I not seen it for myself however, at the story's conclusion it all made sense. On ABC News Overnight the news gets pushed to the side and the "fluff" becomes the headlines. While awake the other night I watched a piece on older women who moonlight as professional wrestlers for $10 a night and then they followed that up with the story about Calvin whatever his last name is (you and I know him as Snoop Dogg). He's recorded a song in honor of one of his biggest influences, the late Johnny Cash. That's right! Now, there's no question that toward the end, Cash became a little experimental with his work. Now, unless I missed something, I don't recall Johnny singing a song about 1965 Chevy Impalas bouncing up and down while Johnny 's got the gangsta lean driving down the street sipping in a 40. Okay, Johnny did sing a lot about prison but, I don't recall any hits about smokin a fatty in homeboy's Caddy while drinking a gin and juice. Methinks maybe he got mixed up with Willie Nelson who happily admits to a lifestyle that revolves around the marijuana plant. The song, "My Medicine" was released and features a sample from one of Johnny's songs. The connection between the two is as foggy as the air within a pot party but, if it se;;s, good for him. Be sure to check out www.weezer.com to see the video for "Pork and Beans" also available on YouTube. It's a rather humorous look at at a montage of some of the Internet's greatest icons.

"A 'Fish Story' about about Regus and Kelly Live and a lemonafe stand"

Regis and Kelly: Sink or Swim? Here it is folks...while enjoying my morning bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal the other morning, I saw it! Regis and Kelly Live on the old WGN 22 incher and Regis made a remark that could have resulted in him ending up "swimming with the fish" side by side with Jimmy Hoffa. The only way that would have happened however, was if his Producer Gellman had it in him. Yiu ever see the beginning where they invite a viewer to call in and okay a game of trivia? Regis and Kelly converse a little small talk with the caller and then invite the person to spin Gellman's Big Spring Fling-A-Go-Go prize wheel to win a vacation if the answer the question correctly. Regis asks a stupid question like this: "Harrison Ford was a guest on our show yesterday and he's the star of the Indiana Jones sequel in movie theaters right now. Besides the role of Indiana Jones, what other character did he portray originally that put his name on the map?" Thirty seconds to get it right and Kelly's gonna keep time. You can only answer once. After the wheel gets Regis' big spin and the needle lands on a trip to Costa Rica, the caller chimes in with a guess. "Is it Han Solo from Star Wars?" and Regis answers, "Yessss! You're right! Now where did you say your from caller?" She responds, "I'm in Des Moines Iowa right now." "Oh geez!" says Regis. "Lots of water out there huh? All that flooding from the Mississippi River, I'll bet you're bailing out right now eh?" Caller says,"Yup, I lost everything and some things just can't be replaced like old photos and what not." "Good Lord" says Regis. "that's a shame! Our hearts go out the folks out there dealing with this mess. ANYWAY, Betty from Des Moines, you just won yourself a Disney Cruise to Costa Rica where you'll have ten days of white water rafting, scuba diving.! In other words, you'll be up to your neck in water for over a week. CONGRATULATIONS! This prize package is worth $21,000. ENJOY!" Miraculously the woman stayed on the line to collect her trip while I nearly choked on my cereal, and Regis didn't even flinch. Whatta great gift! It's like giving a homeless guy a doorbell. Moving on, in the "Us kids don't have anything to do this Summer" category, Some kids in the North 'burbs got a nifty idea for a money maker ti buy some X-Box games. When the parents asked what the boys were gonna do while they were at work, the kids kicked around the idea of a lemonade stand. Not a bad idea eh? Only thing is, Daddy must have left his text book from Bartender School as well as keys to the liquor cabinet where most irresponsinle people leave a loaded handgun: IN PLAIN SIGHT. The kids pulled out a few fifths of booze and mixed up a batch of electric lemonade for thirsty passerbys on the street. The mailman didn't say a word. Matter of fact, he laid a dollar on the card table and instructed the boys to keep filling up his Dixie cup. No one knows for sure but, someone called the cops and within minutes a few police cruisers swung by and sent the neighborhood into a frenzy discovering these youngsters were peddling mixed drinks. Of course, mom and dad got a call to come home early from work and pick up their kids from the station. This wasn't Sheriff Andy Taylor giving Opie a lecture about the bad thing je did, NOPE! These parents now face a hefty fine and perhaps jail time for "contributing to the delinquincy of minors" and "operating without a liquor license". The kids? They're at their new home that has the initials DCFS until this case is brought to trial. Here's a "bottom's up" to great parenting!!!

Pull out last Sunday's newspaper, a sharp pair of scissors, and get ready to clip the coupons... we're going shopping! Now, I'm willing to bet you that grocery shopping isn't on your list of favorites and believe me, I know where you're coming from BUT, it's gotta be done. Follow my example by avoiding as much as the riff-raff as possible by hitting the bricks very early in the morning. This time around, my store of choice was Jewel Food Stores. This Chicago based business is an icon in the city however, this "Mom and Pop" grocery chain lost it's charm when it was snatched up by California based Albertson's. Gone are the days when the butcher comes out from the back to get your approval of the steaks he just cut. As it is now, you can't find a soul for help of any kind!

One of the things that scares folks the most before even stepping inside is the fear of a gigantic bill when it's all over. Seems as though in recent months, everyone blames everything on gasoline prices for the high prices. In many cases, the quality and quantity of what we buy lowers while the prices inch higher. Most stores place the produce near the entrance. That's fine by me. Never mind what those "experts" say about shopping on an empty stomach, I starve myself a day or two ahead of time. Hey, because of those high gasoline prices, I'm going to take advantage at the store and the fruits and vegetables are the place to start. Afterall, it's not your fault gas is $5 a gallon. Why should all of us have to get punished. I usually start off with making a fruit salad or regulat garden salad. Why do you think they have Marie's salad dressing and croutons near the vegetables? Make a salad right there. Open up a jar of dressing and pour it on thick. Carry a pocket knife at all times to do some chopping, mincing and slicing. If someone stops you, tell them that as a consumer, YOU have the right to sample before you buy. While you have an employee stopped, ask him what the hell a pomegranade is... Why is this stuff so popular and what is it, a fruit or vegetable. A few years ago it was kiwi, then it was mango, and now this! It's everywhere you look and in juices, soda, deserts, whatever you can think of. It's supposed to prevent cancer so they say but, wait until next year when they say it causes cancer! One of my problems in addition to high prices is the wasted shelf space that devotes an entire aisle to the same product, nut with a different brand name. Aisle 10 is stacked to the ceiling with bottled water. Don't tell me you can actually taste the difference between Dasani and Aquafina. If you say you can, you deserve a slap. The same goes for the pet food aisle..."my doggie can't eat that Purina stuff. He doesn't like it. I can only buy Alpo." Tell you what, your dog can't talk and sure as hell can't complain. When he's hungry he'll eat no matter if it's Purina or your dirty socks. How about the paper products? Does your ass really know the difference between Charmin and Cottonelle? Does your spilled milk care if it's Brawny or Scott brand towels to clean up the mess? This one really gets my goat: Air fresheners. Both sides of one aisle are filled with Glade and Wizard products in a variety of scents and different ways to use them. Years ago there were only two brands and they came in a spray can or in the shape of a tree for your car. Now? Its cans, candles, plug-ins, sprays, mists, and on and on. Not necessary is it? Buy a big spray bottle of Febreeze and you'll be set for life. The store is organized the way it is for a reason. It's because it's laid out like you eat with salad at the front and ice cream at the end. Which by the way, don't forget to help yourself to a good humor bar at the end. Fill your stomach up good before you approach the checkout lane. In my case, what could have been a bill well over $100 ended up $12.89 because I used coupons and most of all, common sense!

"What's wrong with gramma Edna??!!"

"What's wrong with gramma Edna Daddy?" If you're a parent of a little one, how do you answer THIS question? Here's the scenario: You say, "You know gramma's friend Martha? That nice old lady thats always visiting gramma's apartment? Yeah, she's the one that always drives gramma to the doctor, the store, and plays bingo with her at the church every Wednesday and Saturday night? Well Billy, the thing is...you now have two grammas. When grampa Hank died last year, Martha took his place you see? Gramma Edna and Martha love one another so much that they went to San Francisco to get married. Not to another man, but to each other!" WOW! What a shocker! Breaking the news like this is the best way to deal with Billy's question, hopefully until he gets a little bit older. You better believe though, that this subject will come up again sometime soon. As for you, how do you take this? Gramma and grampa were married for over 50 years and were so happy, so you thought. Looking back on it though, that Martha woman was always there even when grampa was alive and still working. Was the marriage a sham or was it real? How could that nice lady Martha become a "homewrecker"? That's probably what did grampa in and made him drop dead! Look, there's nothing wrong with being gay, Perhaps you're one of those people that "live on the edge" and like to try new things. Okay. Fine. Don't try this thing when your in your 80's and all your cracks and holes are filled with cobwebs if you're a woman and all you can shoot are puffs of air if you're a man! These are the kind of folks I'd hate to bump into at the Sybaris. The first half an hour would provide lots of laughs however, the rest of the weekend would find me slumped over the toilet throwing up. Thank goodness for all the soundproofing the Sybaris has in their rooms or it could be a lot worse! Gay marriage became legal yesterday in San Francisco and to show that age isn't a deterrent to the whole idea, such people as Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnell and George (Mr. Sulu of Star Trek) Tekai moved out of the way and parted the waiting line at the courthouse like Moses parted The Red Sea to allow the two nice old ladies get married first. The old hens ought to be ashamed of themselves! The only hole they should be worried about crawling into has a tombstone at the head of it. Yuck!

Tonight was the big night to award people for their superb acting skills. Of course, I speak of the annual TV Land awards. The only award show for people who at this point, forgot they were ever a part of television history in the first place. For many, it's been fifty years since they last appeared. For some, there's no explaination for their being there at all. A few of these shows "Jumped the Shark" after only three or four episodes before getting the axe. Only TV Land believes that getting their hands on these old relics and giving them awards is like capturing lightning in a bottle. I invite you to their website where you can see the whole collection of shows in a nice list. Quite a majority of these air on their cable channel in other parts of the world. This is a great way to teach other countries about America's good taste. Hey, remember the hit early 1980's sitcom Square Pegs? It starred an up and coming teenage girl and was based on the movie Valley Girls. Such a show would be dead and buried for years like it was however, because Sarah Jessica Parker was in it and is now promoting the Sex in the City movie, TV Land dug up the gravesite and stole the tapes. It only makes sense that this sitcom deserve kudos now, some twenty five years after the fact.

Speaking of TV Land, it was a few years ago that Brad Garret of Everybody Loves Raymond put on a tuxedo and entertained the audience as host of the awards show. Right after that, FOX gave him the pitch for a show to call his own instead of playing second fiddle...Til Death emerged and had trouble right out of the gate. The first two episodes aired before it was put on hiatus for a complete overhaul. What happened next? It came back but, FOX has finally taken this disaster off life support before next season... This has left Brad Garrett a complete mess. Not only are his pockets empty but his self esteem has been kicked to the curb. Poor guy can't even find himself a ladyfriend! He's decided to make his situation public and says he's even counting on telephone dating to bring him back to life. The last person to try this as a last resort tried it about five times and ended up divorced five times. Look what it's done for his career! The person is none other than Tom Arnold, the ex of Roseanne. An open plea to Steven Spielberg..."Don't do what I think you're gonna do next. E.T. isn't worth it!" Now that several old films he worked on have been revisited with prequels and sequels, I'm not ready for a warp speed trip back to 1984's E.T. The Extra Terrestrial. I mention this because if you haven'r heard, now that Star Wars and Indiana Jones have come back, he's alreafy answering questions about ET,'s future. I for one, am not one of the folks who wish to see this alien again. Not only was it a hokey idea but that guy was creepy and way too popular! Yeah, Michael Jackson scared the hell out of me then, and the little sidekick of his that peddled those Reese's Pieces wasn't that nice looking either. Besides, Drew Barrymore has done a lot since then and would more than likely be "too busy" to squeeze in a cameo. As for Henry Thomas (Elliott), he's got a lot of time on his hands, He retired after the film and comes back on occasion to do an "Artsy Fartsy" movie that only gets screened at The Cannes Film Festival. He's near 40 now for crying out loud! A pjone call to cast him would really do damage to this one time family film. A middle aged man and E.T. playing in the closet conjures up images of an alien pedophile. If aliens do exist, thank goodness they are only seen in the sky over Roswell, New Mexico. It's a dumb idea Steven. Don't even think about it! ...And oh yes, Debra Winger WAS the person who provided the alien's voice Use that bit of trivia as an icebreaker at your next dinner party.

Good Science Gone Bad

What started as a scheme to grab the attention of some bored high school chemistry students has taken on a life of it's own by branching out. Everyone who has access to the internet has seen the now world famous "Mentos in the diet Pepsi" routine. Great idea. It only goes to show that it doesn;t take much to get jids motivated and try the experiment in their backyard. The experiment was also proven to show that for reasons such as this, it should come as no surptise that the United States ranks close to the bottom of the list for academics! Just this week some drunk college kids caused an uproar when their video mafe it to YouTube. It was someone's hypothesis that cell phones are so dangerous that placing a handful of popcorn kernals on a table surrounded by cell phones would in fact, pop the corn. Imagine then, what this can do to your head?! Just yesterday, it was revealed that these guys were playing a trick and such a thing never happened. It was then that I decided to "debunk the debunkers" who came up with this theory. They really weren't far off the mark... such invisible microwaves being transmitted from an object in a room full of people will result in some sort of abnormal phenomena. This was the case when color televisions came to be. It was said that leaving a big tv with an old time tube that that had to warm up, will leave a shadow or outline of people sitting in front of the tv on the wall behind where they were sutting, It's radiation. I decided to put a spin on this and bring it up to the 21st Century by using a microwave oven. For my testers, I decided to place a call to my old dorm room down in Carbondale to see who answered the phone. As expected, my phone call was answered by a kid in a room full of noise. I explained to the kid on the phone that I needed help with what I was doing however, it would involve drugs and alcohol and a few helpers to stop by "Old Towne Liquors" on South Illinois Avenue. I chose fortified wine and grain alcohol this time knowing that this would keep the group "well focused". An hour passed and I called back to find the party was well under way so it was time to get started on the testimg. I told them, "you need to get your hands on a baby. I'd prefer if the mother gave her consent, but do what you gotta do. We're only borrowing the kid for a while and we'll return it to it's owner." Luckily, a girl down the hall had a sister visiting with a baby and we used him with her standing alongside. The baby would then be placed directly in front of a microwave oven for a few minutes and when the timer buzzed we'd see if anything happened. Sure enough, another guy picked up the phone to talk. "It's gone. Oh my God, it's gone" he screamed amd I quickly aborted the operation. Thank goodness for dialing *67 first in the phone to prevent a traver on my line. I was worried the next morning so I called back. This time an old man answered and said HE was with the boys the night before. This was like some Bermuda Triangle! Later that night I received a call from the store down in Carbondale from the owner who stated that the old man went back with the boys to their dorm. You see, he was the town's "Otis" and just looking for a place to drink. Still, it's taken a lot out of me to realize that the baby abd his mommy vanished into thin air. Don't EVER try this at home!

In Memory of Tim Russert

The following was originally written back on March 16th, 2008...

Last time I checked, my damn GPS said I'm in the Midwest. I guess I am but, you wonder why this world is so friggin' messed up? It's when big stars in "Tinseltown" and on "The Strip" come through town leaving chaos in their wake. Take for instance, Johnny Depp... Maybe you didn't know that he was in "The Hoosier State" for a few days to film a big new motion picture about John Dillinger, the famous gangster. Now, depending on who you talk to, Johnny is either a nice fella or just another jackass that let the spell of Hollywood turn him into a an angry, bitter man who shooed away photographers and autograph seekers. One person wrote about this in his NWI Times column. Phil Potempa who rubs elbows with such legends like Phyllis Diller, Carol Channing, and Ruth Buzzy jumped at the chance to join the thousands of fools who packed the Indiana town to possibly become a "Hollywood Extra". I don't know if all his kissing up to the film crew got him in or lnot, but the movie moved on to a new location and chances are, Potempa's acting career will end up on the cutting room floor. The "regular Joe's" of Crown Point were somewhat troubled by Johnny "avoiding" them as if he was in town to have supper with them. Cripe's sake! He came to do a job, not add new friends to his buddy list! Many were insulted that they didn't even get a glimpse of the weirdo or snapshot on their cell phone and now, Depp has left a sour taste in their mouths. He's as creepy a character as his role as Willy Wonka! He loves his fans so much that he calls France his home. Think about that the next time you suckers camp overnight for 10 hours in the cold hoping he'll join you for an Egg McMuffin and coffee in the morning!
Another entertainer has besmirched the area. I'm talking about John Caponera. Who's he? The guy who has annoyed you in those AT&T commercials the months of February and March with his way off the mark impression of Harry Carey. I've seen this guy's act in comedy clubs and he's no Rich Little. The ad department at AT&T was smart to put a March 31st expiration date on these commercials. You see, these ads air only in Chicago. Meanwhile, Harry's widow, Dutchie lives in California totally unaware that her late husband's image is being poked fun at all without her consent ...Until now. When Dutchie learned of these ads and was offered a "Director's cut" of all three, her heart sank. Just for the record, she never found any rhyme or reason to watch. Get with it! Harry already was a characiture of himself even before Caponera was in diapers! Go back to Zanie's John, and let the old man ferment away in his beer can aluminum casket!

Occasionally things get mixed up. As a service to you, we bring you a post from the past that for some reason or another, never made it.. This one is from April 5th 2008.

POOR William Wrigley! It seems as though that damn billy goat from The Billy Goat Tavern's curse runs a heck of a lot deeper than we originally thought. The Cubs passed the 100 year mark with no World Series and make it only far enough to have homeplate yanked from under their shoes! Yeah, "Yadda, yadda, yadda", we've heard a lion's share of excuses and numerous cracks at breaking the curse have all but failed. It's like going to Earl Shibe with your '73 Oldsmobile for a new paint job...it's gonna look shiny and nice, but it's still going to be a shitty car underneath. That's what you get when you unwrap the stitching from this Cubs baseball. Let's put their record loss of a century to the side for just a minute and focus on the other oddities abound on this franchise. Take the great Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks. The first strike against him was being a black man in a white ballclub. He overcame that one! So, he makes it to the Hall of Fame and the Cubs decide the guy finally deserves a statue in his honor...that's strike two! Strike three is putting up the statue on public display along with a televised tribute to the former great complete with a missing apostraphe! After a day of finger pointing came up empty as to who was at fault for this, it was fixed this morning and life goes on. Now let me point out that the statue STILL isn't fixed. Does Mr. Banks have copper skin? Oops! Seems like this artist goofed!
Now let's talk about Wrigley Field being named an historic place. What's in a name? Nothing. Chicago based United Airlines could have also bought the rights to the joint and slapped their name on the new United Field. Nope. That wouldn't seem right. How about a name that has true meaning? I think renaming the park as The Field of Dreams is a perfect fit. Don't look for James Earl Jones and Kevin Costner to come strolling out of a cornfield either. This is the type of dream that doesn't just doesn't come to fruition. So, the 2008 season is once again off to a doomed start that will be played under a dark storm cloud. There's really nothing a red faced, pin-striped Lou Panella can do about that but take his nitro glycerin and pray for next year!

Suicide For Dummies

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Amy Winehouse...It's all in the name. Only problem is, wine didn't cut the mustard. On second thought, neither did marijuana, hard liquor, prescription pills, illegal street drugs, or any combination there of. When you're 26 abd a hot pop singer in the UK, what better way to spend the day than to spend it "in a boat on a river, with tangerine people and marmalade skies?" I started hearing about this troubled singer about six months ago, when she first splashed onto the Billboard music charts and more often than not, the tabloids. This sounded like someone who needed help and was looking for it in all the wrong places. I usually keep my distance from Xerox copied top 40 songs however, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to hear for myself what all the "hubba-ballou" was all about. Surprisingly, this crap is good. A good kind of crap. With hints of classic 1960's Motown mixed in with R&B and Soul. It's kind of weird that some youngin' from overseas used these genres together to come up with a refreshing sound. Putting all that nonsense aside, what makes this young woman tick and why is she still painstakingly clinging on to a miserable life? She's become a parody of suicide and places the word in a negative light. Hey, it's downright insulting to all those before her who did the job and did it right, like Adolph Hitler for example. It's out of my element to piece together a "shopping list" of all this kid's issues but, in recent months, her partying lifestyle has pushed her closer to the edge. Hell, she's got enough toxins in her system to kill a stable of horses. Superman would even be crawling on his hands and knees after this! According to her, all the dope and booze are merely "recreational" as she continues to deny, deny, deny. Was her first U.S. single Rehab intended to be some sort of therapy? If that's a good idea then Dr. Phil makes Dr. Sigmund Freud looke like a quack. Someone needs to hurry up and write a Suicide For Dummies How-To book because she's not getting it. Not only are all the toxins affecting her body but, most notably, her mind. Just the other day Winehouse got herself into one dilly of a pickle in her hpmeland across the big pond, and what she said made Michael Richard's (Kramer from Seinfeld) racist rant from a few years ago look like a few lines yanked from a Walt Disney film. Her and her husband sat in front of a table filled with an A to Z assortment of pills, booze, and drugs while Winehouse and a friend added racist lyrics to a song that didn't leave anyone out of the picture. Next day, her manager shoved her out of her apartment where a weeping Amy expressed herself with a heartfelt apology. That was it...case closed. Notice how we didn't see Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson hopping on a Virgin Airline flight to London to set her straight! I'd predict some kind of rally or boycott concocted by the two if and when she comes to America on tour. Trouble is, Amy gets so strung out onstage that she passes out halfway through the first song. She wants to quit but by golly, doesn't need any more af that rehab garbage. The 12 step program has 11 steps that will never get stepped on by her. Oh yeah, that crystal meth is some good junk despite the fact you quit eating and lose your teeth. It's almost painful to watch her die a slow, painful death when it would be a lot easier to hang or shoot herself, or slit her wrists. Sad thing is, she probably won't make it to 27 and her music catalog will skyrocket in value just like John Lennon. She IS "The gorl with kaleidescope eyes" that Lennon and McCartney wrote about. Kinda eerie ain't it?

Briefly...

God isn't too happy with any of us! First, some BREAKING NEWS from out of Chicago this past weekend... To be more precise, out the back window. For the first time in many years we got to see one of them twisters they show at the movies, except this one was for real without Helen Hunt and that weird Marine from Weird Science. In the end, it looked like a tornado blew through this newsroom...pardon the pun but, I never thought such a thing would actually happen, By the way, Archie the Pig is still a little spooked but doing fine and eating again. With stock market numbers sinking, gas prices rising by a dime over the weekend, and wars going on in the world, it wouldn't surprise me one bit to see The Four Horsemen travelling down the street. If God really is George Burns and still smokes cigars like he did in Oh, God!, he's probably smoking not only stogies but, cigarettes and pipes too. Is it over yet? It's really frustrating the way things are. Nothing like a little dose of another type of reality courtesy of Comcast and VH-1. No luck there either watching Poison frontman Bret Michaels shake his ass in front of some Hooters rejects on Rock of Life. What's with this dope? You know, it still puzzles me how Poison managed to keep it together for 20 years with this guy driving the bus. Kudos to his songwriting but, he should have quit there and let someone else do the singing. Any more out of tune and Slappy White would have "gonged" him. His new alnum is sloppy and the accompanying video looks like it was made on a shoestring. The guy does have a heart of gold though when it comes to charity work for the disabled kids. He doesn't need a tv show to find someone to crawl in bed with...what? Can't he do this on his own? C'mon dude, hang up your cowboy hat and throw away your rose with the thorn and put the videos back! Heck, MTV won't do it. From frustrated I can breath a sigh of relief as the possibility of another Clinton running the U.S. of A. gets postponed for another four years. 60 Minutes did a piece on her campaign and her overall attempt to get inbed with the Press. They showed her "character" develop from a cranky lady in menopause who didn't want to talk to anybody, into a person with a "big heart" noting that after she lost Iowa, she became sort of a "Mother Hen" to female reporters following her around. She wore a happy face when buying and passing out Starbucks to news crews in the snow and cold, and smiled as she encouraged journalists on a plane to "enjoy a piece of peach cobbler" with her. "Try it, you'll like it!" she quipped. This wasn't being kind by any stretch... This was all for show as well as to get her mind off of husband Bill. You see, while she was learning where Crown Point was on the Indiana map, William Jefferson Clinton was a thousand miles away allegedly drinking like a fish and whooping it up with other women. Now that you can be back home and place your husband back on house arrest, quit crying! Use some of the "people skills" you learned on the road and put it to use for $7.00 an hour at Denny's serving up Grand Slams to truckers. If Hillary is one of us common folk, it's time to see what it's like to live from paycheck to paycheck where the boss doesn't bother to ever take the time to stop and thank you for a doing a good job!