The Pork Chop of the Month
(Tie)Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell
You know the situation…You have the tv turned on as you fall asleep when all of a sudden an infomercial appears with one of those familiar faces telling you about something you don’t own but can’t live without. You buy it, and then you realize you never needed it in the first place! In other words, you’ve just been had! That’s why two people get the nod for winning “The Pork Chop of the Month”: Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell. These two often show up in your bedroom uninvited and on different channels. Sometimes they appear on multiple channels at the same time making television viewing a pain in the ass!
Take Billy Mays for example. This S.O.B. wiggled his way into hearts and wallets at the same time. He’s been a lifelong pitchman for all those “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?” products. He started out selling a “waterless” washing machine in the early 1980’s and used the experience to catapult himself to an entry in Wikipedia. Who would have thought that you could turn ordinary oxygen that we breath into a powdery substance to add to the wash? That’s “Oxi Clean” and admit it… we’ve all tried it. The fact is, all they’ve done is added air (which by the way is readily available and free) a powder that serves no purpose, and shoved it into a margarine tub with a seal and a fancy label. So great was the hype behind this new “breakthrough product” that appliance giant Maytag added a special dispenser into new washing machines exclusively for the product. Billy has also given us plenty of gadgets that we know we needed, bought, and threw into the junk drawer. “anywhere shelves”, “add a lightswitch”, “magic putty”, “ding away” and a health insurance plan that covers anyone with no questions asked and dirt cheap as well! So, where’s my “Oxi Clean”? In one of several of my “As seen on TV” drawers!
Next up is Cathy Mitchell. Who is she? She’s like your best friend’s Mom. Friendly, always concerned< eager to show you shortcuts with everyday hassles of cooking and cleaning, and she’s jolly on top of that!
Maybe a little too jolly. Don’t forget to toss in “annoying” to the mix.
Now, I don’t know about you however, I’ve had plenty of sleepness nights wondering about what to do with those extra cans of Pillsbury Crescent Dough I have in the fridge. Luckily, Cathy Mitchell was there to show me her electric gadget that uses the dough to make “pocket snacks”. Did you know that all you need is a couple of eggs ans some of yesterday’s leftover ham along with a pinch of cheddar cheese to make your own breakfast sandwich for the car on the way to work? While you’re at it, you can make meals for the entire day. I discovered I can do exactly with it, what I can do without it: Nothing. It makes for a good paperweight to place in front of the door on a windy day. Cathy always makes sure to mention her kids in her ads. I’ve gotta tell you, I feel for them. She suggests that many of these gadgets work well and allow your kids to make new friends at college. Yeah right. Who cares about cooking when there’s always a pizza joint nearby? If Cathy Mitchell endorses a new lamp to grow weed or a portable distillery to make your own hooch, that’s the kind of stuff that attracts new friends to the dorm room! Show me a college freshman with a sandwich maker and I’ll show you a kid that has no friends and a lot of leftover sandwiches. Oh, it gets better. Just recently Cathy unveiled a new twist on an old idea by selling a machine that makes donut holes with bisquick. It’s the same as the other except you can make bite sized snacks anytime of the day or night that taste exactly as advertised: hot pancakes. I like mine stuffed with ground beef and blueberry jam as a “brunch” item.
Both Billy and Cathy recently introduced us to a new invention and each one has it’s own trademark but basically do the same thing: Make clones of White Castle hamburgers. This is exactly what we all need… a George Foreman grill (“Hulk Hogan” in the U.K.) hamburger press that spits out little square hamburgers! The ads suggest that these new snacks are the latest rage in one of those franchise restaurants. Stupid idea? Maybe. Did you or I put these things on the market? Nope. Enough said.
Take Billy Mays for example. This S.O.B. wiggled his way into hearts and wallets at the same time. He’s been a lifelong pitchman for all those “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?” products. He started out selling a “waterless” washing machine in the early 1980’s and used the experience to catapult himself to an entry in Wikipedia. Who would have thought that you could turn ordinary oxygen that we breath into a powdery substance to add to the wash? That’s “Oxi Clean” and admit it… we’ve all tried it. The fact is, all they’ve done is added air (which by the way is readily available and free) a powder that serves no purpose, and shoved it into a margarine tub with a seal and a fancy label. So great was the hype behind this new “breakthrough product” that appliance giant Maytag added a special dispenser into new washing machines exclusively for the product. Billy has also given us plenty of gadgets that we know we needed, bought, and threw into the junk drawer. “anywhere shelves”, “add a lightswitch”, “magic putty”, “ding away” and a health insurance plan that covers anyone with no questions asked and dirt cheap as well! So, where’s my “Oxi Clean”? In one of several of my “As seen on TV” drawers!
Next up is Cathy Mitchell. Who is she? She’s like your best friend’s Mom. Friendly, always concerned< eager to show you shortcuts with everyday hassles of cooking and cleaning, and she’s jolly on top of that!
Maybe a little too jolly. Don’t forget to toss in “annoying” to the mix.
Now, I don’t know about you however, I’ve had plenty of sleepness nights wondering about what to do with those extra cans of Pillsbury Crescent Dough I have in the fridge. Luckily, Cathy Mitchell was there to show me her electric gadget that uses the dough to make “pocket snacks”. Did you know that all you need is a couple of eggs ans some of yesterday’s leftover ham along with a pinch of cheddar cheese to make your own breakfast sandwich for the car on the way to work? While you’re at it, you can make meals for the entire day. I discovered I can do exactly with it, what I can do without it: Nothing. It makes for a good paperweight to place in front of the door on a windy day. Cathy always makes sure to mention her kids in her ads. I’ve gotta tell you, I feel for them. She suggests that many of these gadgets work well and allow your kids to make new friends at college. Yeah right. Who cares about cooking when there’s always a pizza joint nearby? If Cathy Mitchell endorses a new lamp to grow weed or a portable distillery to make your own hooch, that’s the kind of stuff that attracts new friends to the dorm room! Show me a college freshman with a sandwich maker and I’ll show you a kid that has no friends and a lot of leftover sandwiches. Oh, it gets better. Just recently Cathy unveiled a new twist on an old idea by selling a machine that makes donut holes with bisquick. It’s the same as the other except you can make bite sized snacks anytime of the day or night that taste exactly as advertised: hot pancakes. I like mine stuffed with ground beef and blueberry jam as a “brunch” item.
Both Billy and Cathy recently introduced us to a new invention and each one has it’s own trademark but basically do the same thing: Make clones of White Castle hamburgers. This is exactly what we all need… a George Foreman grill (“Hulk Hogan” in the U.K.) hamburger press that spits out little square hamburgers! The ads suggest that these new snacks are the latest rage in one of those franchise restaurants. Stupid idea? Maybe. Did you or I put these things on the market? Nope. Enough said.
