"An online apology to Lindsay Lohan"

Well kids, I've done it again. I thought I was being funny by poking fun at Lindsay Lohan's cocaine problem that got her busted. Truth is, I didn't have the WHOLE story...until now. I'm sure most of you realize that Miss Lohan has not only been nailed with cocaine in her car but, she earned herself another DUI as well. After only a couple of weeks in rehab, Lohan fell off the wagon and has since returned to rehab. While she goes through detox, at least we'll have some of her classic films on DVD to watch like...The Cat From Outer Space and Herbie The Love Bug.
I've got a few questions that I'll probably never get answered. How is a 20 year old manage to gain four DUI's, spend some time in jail, and then be able to get behind the wheel again? This must be some new crazy California law. Why did Miss Lohan fall off the wagon so quick? ...This is a good one. Too much pressure and trying to make everyone happy. She couldn't handle the pressure. Yeah, life is rough when all you have is a few million in the bank and have to drive around in a crappy 2006 Porsche 928. Life is rough. Lindsay, when you get out, look us up. The Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE v. 4.0 will take you out for a night on the town in Chicago.

"The Life of Riley, Silly Pirates, and don't blame Lindsay"

OK, here we go kids...(A rather short version of TSP today) Game show fans are in mourning today due to the death of Charles Nelson Riley. Riley wore the big Harry Carey glasses as he made his way from Password to $25,000 Pyramid. Things were not always rosey for the guy. He was a homosexual that only used game shows as a way to make a living. 1970's television wasn't ready for gays. While he waited, Charles Nelson Riley was labeled as a "Game show goof". A little known fact: Riley sat next to Steve McQueen in college. Go get 'em Chuckie!

What's up with the whole pirate thing? I thought Oceans 13 was pushing it to the limit. Let's face facts...Disney could make a movie about a guy making a doodie and it would be a sell out. When the first "Pirates" movie came out, I read that there would be six films. I pray that what I read is only a rumor. I hate to tell Disney that I have enough fun with the "Pirates" ride at Disney World.

Lindsay Lohan...what can I say? God bless this 20 year old who just got out of rehab again only to get stopped after a traffic accident. The young Lohan was legally drunk and also had cocaine in the car. Aww c'mon, let's give her one more chance before the only way she can earn a living is with her bra and panties still on.

"The View Gets Better, Barbie's Secret Lost Love,, Mmm Crunchy, and The Olsen Twins Split"

Finally, they're able to dance in the streets and Barbara Walters can breath a sigh of relief. Rosie O' Donnell's reign of terror finally came to an abrupt halt this week on The View when she walked off the show the other and said "screw all of you. I ain't coming back!" The shocker comes a mere few weeks ahead of schedule for the plump lesbian with the big mouth. During her yearlong stint on the decade old show, sh'e managed to piss off everyone both on and off the show. Like the old cliche' goes, "loose lips sink ships". It all came to a finish where Rosie went on a tyrade and slammed George Bush, the war in Iraq, and Republicans in general. At this point, all the cast was able to do is lean back in their chairs and let Rosie's gums flap for 10 minutes. Donald Trump was right when he suggested everything Rosie has done has turned to poop. She's been axed from movie roles because of her attitude, asked to step down from her own talk show and give it to Ellen, and lost her own magazine too. They actually thought that Star Jones was hell on wheels? Star Jones was like a walk in the park. Barbie a bi-sexual? It would seem that way. Now, I always knew that Ken had some issues with his identity, but Barbie? Leave it to some smart collector who posted an ad for a Rosie doll on eBay. Bidding starts at close to $50. This leftover doll from the days of Rosie's talk show comes with a desk, CD, and a few other odds and ends. The folks at toy maker Mattel thought it would be kind of neat to market the doll under the Barbie namesake. Barbie must have not been too interested in sleeping with Rosie or even appearing as a guest on her show. The truth is, the guy that's selling this item pulled it out of the dumpster when Toys 'R' Us threw the remaining few boxes away. Not so bad and crunchy too! Yeah, yeah, yeah. All we've been hearing about are these doggone cicadas. They're ugly and they make a lot of noise. Soon it will be over for 17 years. Meanwhile, enjoy this recipe. It'll be a long time before you can enjoy this again.

Cicada Pie

1) A bucket of living cicadas. The bigger, the better.

2) Pillsbury frozen pie crust

3) Six Granny Smith Apples

4) 2 Tablespoons brown sugar

5) 2 Tablespoons cinnamon

Put the crust inside a greased pie plate. Add the cicadas and stick in the oven at 375 degrees. Put everything in...the red eyes, wings, and shell. Trust me, after 15 minutes they won't know where they're at. They'll be dead. Now, you'll want to remove the pie and finish adding the ingredients. Chop up the apples and spread over the top. Next, sprinkle the spices over the top and stick back in the oven for 1/2 an hour. Serve warm with some grasshopper ice cream.

Finally, remember Ashley Olsen? She's one of the twins from Full House. Actually, she's the one that was anorexic. She's 20 now and about to take on a role on the HBO series, Weeds. This time she's going it solo and won't Bob Saget be glad to hear that she's playing a lesbian with a female love interest! Hey, this is how Drew Barrymore segued her career from E.T. to the movies she makes today. Sex and smoking dope will be good for her. Where's Mary-Kate? Trying to talk Ashley out of doing the show. Sorry Mary-Kate, the deal is already inked. Now this is going to get interesting!

"North or South?"

...Let's get right to it. Rev. Jerry Falwell cashed in his chips earlier today and his demise inspired me to say a few words about the guy who just couldn't keep his mouth shut about anything. Kind of like his photo negative Jesse Jackson.

While the devil and God flip a quarter to see who will take the guy, let's take a look at some of his hijinks, bloopers and blunders that often times resulted in him going on CNN or FOX news to say a heartfelt, "I'm so sorry". Remember 9/11? While the buildings were still red hot and smoking, he went on television to say that Al-Quida shouldn't be held responsible. According to him, this was a longtime coming because God is angry at us for ruining everything in the Universe. He then went on a rant saying everything has become tainted due to gays and lesbians and rambled on to the point where when he was done, he managed to pick out just about everybody no matter of race, religion, or ethnicity. The next day, he was on again saying "I'm so sorry!" Next, when the Teletubbies became a hit in America, Rev. Falwell went on MSNBC to slam PBS for bringing homosexual characters into living rooms and programming children to be gay. Next day he was television again saying he's sorry about what he said (By the way, there was never any mention of what Teletubbies were however, his remarks didn't exactly help with long term success of the show). Going back to the 1980's when religion was more of a corporation rather than a church, Falwell warmed up to the infamous Jim and Tammy Fae Bakker. Kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing, he managed to get chummy with the two and even gave his approval to the rising success of Bakkers' "Empire". Most noteworthy here is that Falwell promised the Bakkers that if their religious based theme park "Heritage USA" ever got done, he would be there at the opening. True to his word, Falwell was the first to plunge down the log flume. As a sidenote, when the Bakkers fell on hard times and were trying to hang on to the little bit that was left, Falwell turned on them and went on television again to say Jim Bakker is a homosexual. He was even said to have been behind the Bakker's troubles as a way to move in and take everything they had. Again, he later gave another heartfelt apology on television. In the end, the biggest story of them all was his battle against pornography which was a major part of the Woody Harrelson movie The People vs. Larry Flynt. Over the recent years, Falwell was still putting his foot in his mouth, and saying he's sorry the next day. Only one "sorry" and all was forgiven. A month later and Don Imus is still apologizing. What's wrong with this picture?

"O.J., Crackers, Billy Ray, and the return of Slimey"

"No steak knife for O.J.'s dinner in Kentucky" The night before last Saturday's Kentucky Derby, O.J. Simpson rolled into a Kentucky steakhouse with his entourage and parked his behind at a table. Before he even opened up the menu to take a look, the owner came to the table and asked him to leave. O.J. questioned why and the owner explained that he is bad for business. He sent the whole party down the street to a Jack in the Box. Before walking out the door, O.J. picked up a steak knife and held it to the owners throat promising him that he'll be back to finish the job later. The wholegot even more complex when O.J. accused the owner of not serving him because he's black. No O.J., the fact of the matter is perhaps the owner didn't want a killer in the restaurant, When he left the place, the crowd stood up and applauded his exit.

"Cracker Barrel now asks customers if they want razor blades on the hamburger or on the side" It used to be pranksters on Halloween that would sabotage children's candy with pins, needles, and razor blades. The adults are now the target. A rusty razor blade is no big deal. In fact, the iron oxide gives it a special flavor. Fearing the worst, Cracker Barrel has taken everything with ground beef off the menu. The one thing people want while on the Interstate and looking for a place to eat, is a big, juicy, hamburger. I smell a rat here. Matter of fact, there probably are rats in their hamburgers. Cracker Barrel should stick to selling the goofy knick-knacks and salt and pepper shakers and leave the hamburgers to McDonald's.

"Billy Ray's singing and dancing are a swing and a miss" Poor Billy Ray Cyrus. The one hit wonder was hoping for a miracle when he signed up for Dancing With The Stars. Even his Curt Cobain haircut couldn't save him. I'll give credit where credit's due. Billy Ray made it farther than a lot of the other "has beens". Billy Ray, sans the mullet was proof that it's possible for a person to have two left feet, Methinks Billy Ray has thrown in the towel. After realizing his career is on a slippery slope, he now spends his time on late night talk shows shamelessly plugging his daughter's Disney show Hannah Montana. Truth be told, this is exactly the same launching pad that Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera and Hilary Duff used to put their names on the map. Disney isn't all rainbows and unicorns, Cape Canaveral has the space shuttle however, in Orlando, the launch pad revolves around sex. At 14 years old, Billy Ray should quit showbusiness and keep his daughter on a leash!

"This is a big welcome back to a favorite worm". After pulling a disappearing act for a few years, Slimey the worm returned to Sesame Street to visit his old pal Oscar the Grouch. Some people may stomp their foot on him, dip him in chocolate, or even deep fry him. Slimey has stood the test of time and returns for another generation to enjoy, The other day I observed Slimey playing checkers with some neighborhood friends. Ooh so cute! All I want to know is, how is a worm able to play checkers with no hands? You can keep your Elmo and Abbey Cadabbey, Slimey is a force to be reckoned with. All we need is "Tickle me Slimey" for Christmas. God bless him.

This Weekends Week in Review

Fastballs sometimes don't work out quite like you hoped. The same goes for "8 Balls". A few days ago, St. Louis Cardinals relief pitcher Josh Hancock was laying in a St. Louis Hotel room. Hours away from a game with the Cubs, Hancock was due at the stadium. After several "wake up" calls from the coaching staff and teammates, Hancock finally pulled his ass out of bed and drove 90 mph to Busch Stadium. Sadly, while tailgaiting a flatbed semi trailer that suddenly slammed on the braked, Hancock's 2007 Ford Explorer slid under the back end and sheared the roof off killing him instantly. Needless to say, the game scheduled for that day was postponed. So, what exactly happened with this church going individual who held baseball so close to his heart? Nobody seemed to know the answer, Afterall, the guy was in an accident due to oversleeping. It could happen to anyone/ Yesterday however, toxicology reports were released to shed some light on the subject. Seems that after an autopsy, Josh Hancock had twice the legal limit of alcohol in his system. Inside the truck, investigators found a glass crack pipe and a bag of marijuana with residue in the ashtray. Not only was he foolish for jumping on the expressway, he was actually going to possibly be on standby should Tony LaRussa need him on the mound. Kids look up to these guys as heroes and they go and pull stupid crap like this. Major League Baseball always crack down on steroids in the game...what about substance abuse? A player can obviously snort cocaine, smoke crack, and smoke dope while chasing it down with a six pack before taking to the field. God forbid steroids are taking all the heat. Too bad Josh Hancock never made it to Busch Stadium. He would have made a fool out of himself, or else it was a cry for help that nobody listened to or took seriously.

What in The hell is going on in Washington? We have a war in Iraq entering it's 5th year. George W. vetoed a bill that would put a timetable on the troops returning home. Now, in perfect synchronicity with Cinco De Mayo, Bush is turning his attention to those illegal immigrants from Mexico who think they are so special that they don't have to go through the process of filling out all the paperwork that goes along with being a U.S. citizen because they already have siblings living here. Bush wants to allow these people in because they are part of millions of people that "built this country". Maybe they built all the big cities in America however, at the end of the day they chose to go back to Mexico to pick lettuce. That ain't my fault. I suggest Washington critics propose a wall from California to Texas about 60 feet hugh. Make it electric too. Enter Republican Senator John McCain of Arizona who is all too familiar with immigrants. Unfortunately, this Presidential candidate's messages are lost within the circus of Democratic Presidential nominees Hillary Rodham Clinton and Borack Obhama. Here's what I suggest: President Bush doesn't want to end the war in Iraq and wants to keep the borders open for Mexicans to come and take our jobs and healthcare. If a Mexican should make it over the big fence I suggested and fall onto the Arizona desert, let's make him a U.S. citizen. FIRST, let's put Grande Hernandez on a waiting plane, give him an AK-47 and ship him off to Iraq. If he's alive two or three years later and comes back, we'll make him a U.S. citizen...Case closed!

Hasselhoff loses car keys AND stepping on spiders.

Paris Hilton gets todays blog rolling. She's going to jail for 45 days as punishment for violating probation for a DUI arrest recently. This came at the same time that poor Paris pulled into an L.A. BP clueless as to how to remove the gas cap and pump gas into her $200K sportscar. For Paris, 45 days will be an eternity. Luckily for her, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears are right behind her to fill the void of photographers. Let's put it like this...there will be no shortage of stories or photos for 45 days. Paris will be forced to do her duty on a toilet surrounded by nothing but bars. Let's see to what lengths Star Magazine will go to snap a photo of that!

...And you thought Hasselhoff made a horses ass out of himself on "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch". Did you ever go to Frat party and see some dope trying to eat McDonald's or Taco Bell? Everything ends up on the floor. The person under the influence gives up and just eats the food off the floor dirt, dust, ants, and all. This is what happened to Germany's "Super Entertainer" David Hasselhoff. Last time we saw Hasselhoff was on So You Want to be a Rockstar on CBS. Now, if there's one guy in no position to recognize talent, Hasselhoff is the one. He was calm and collected with only a few wisecracks sprinkled in as he sat on the judges panel. When the cameras stopped rolling, David passed out. There were rumors a few months ago that Hasselhoff would be bringing Knight Rider to the big screen for a sequel of sorts. Now that K.I.T.T. got totalled, Hasselhoff will have to settle for a Pontiac G6. Because of his problems, Hasselhoff will have to ride shotgun while being replaced by another driver. According to Hasselhoff, the tape which can be readily found on the Internet was taken during a relapse three months ago. Former Baywatch co-star Pamela Anderson said in a statement that David Hasselhoff is "A no good dirty drunk who likes to grab boobs". No comment from Hasselhoff.

Spiderman 3 spins a web that's too friggin' long! The great comic book illustrator Stan Lee belongs in the same category as a neighborhood thug selling crack to kids on the street corner. His characters are hitting the big screen one after another. No matter how terrible the previous films may be in your opinion, Lee is banking on you spending $12 for a ticket to see Toby McGuire wear the red suit and black suit in Spidey 3. A lot of actors state after the fact that they won't do another film because of worries they'll be typecast. McGuire is now singing the same song as Christopher Reeve in Superman, Michael Keaton, George Clooney, and Val Kilmer in Batman. With the exception of George Clooney, these guys should embrace their roles. Yes, the sequel always sucks however, you are always guaranteed to have work. I'm not about to plop down $12 to see "The Most Expensive Movie Production in History". The upcoming Raiders of the Lost Ark 4 will take the honors soon anyway.

Chapter 2: Best Buy and "The Geek Squad" need to divorce!

Around two years ago, electronic retailer Best Buy thought it would be a good thing to combine forces with the growing Company "Geek Squad" because damnit, Best Buy was stumped when it came to Technical Support for the products they sell. One thing that's no trouble at all is ringing up a sale hence, they call in "The Geeks". If you set up an in-home service call, these guys will rush out to your home in a black and white car like policemen searching for an armed robber. For me, at the end of March, it proved that "The Geek Squad" weren't geeks pretending to be cool but rather, geeks pretending to be assholes! Here was the problem...After signing an agreement that stated my computer would be repaired within a few days, in reality it was several weeks. A guy named Jesus worked on our computer. This is where I lost my faith. You see, Jesus can turn water into wine, feed a bunch of people on a fish and loaf of bread, and can walk on water. Jesus ought to be able to fix electronics in his sleep. The end result? After a phone call to Corporate, we got this thing back however, I had to spend over a week resolving other problems created while they examined everything. The Geek Squad needs to stand in line while I give them a wedgie and pull their underpants up over their head. Think twice about letting one of these "hacks" near your computer. If anything, these guys ought to be pushing a broom down the aisles at closing time...that's my salute to the First Amendment today.

First Amendment is alive and well sans Don Imus

Don Imus isn't really a horse's ass. He's a smart businessman who is about to turn and put the screws to CBS for breaching his contract. CBS owes Imus a sum of money in the neighborhood of $40 Million clams. Even Lady Liberty and the First Amendment which provides "Freedom of Speech" weren't enough to save the bitter radio icon. Just watch as Imus resurfaces seated one studio over from nemesis Howard Stern on Sirius Satellite Radio. On there, Imus won't have to kiss Jesse Jackson and Al Sharptons big, black behinds. You say "I'm sorry" and that's the end of it. Not so for Imus who remained number one at his homebase of WFAN in New York until the incident. Michael "Kramer" Richards is still apologizing for his remarks made in February. Truth is, these two can apologize for their comments until the cows come home and Jackson and Sharpton STILL won't be satisfied!

No First Amendment clauses here. Considering we've been out of service for a month, you're probably wondering why. Nobody was suspended and we didn't call it quits either. A corrupt Windows XP Operating System resulted in our taking the PC to The Geek Squad at our local Best Buy. Next time I discuss how Best Buy nearly sodomized me while holding everything hostage for a month. It's a must read!