A very special "thanks" from John McCain

When the final votes are counted ten days from now, it will be time for the losing party to go on TV and say a few words of thanks to everyone that put a lot of time, effort and money into the candidate's campaign. While Borack Obama is still deciding if he wants cake, ice cream or both as a dessert for what will probably a victory dinner in Chicago's Grant Park for supporters, McCain is already working on who to thank on his behalf. John will be too busy that night to talk to Fox News or anyone else however, he wants to thank all his dear friends for their support. Especially after the events of the last few days. Now, please let John get some well deserved rest as I get the "thank you" notes started for him...

• "My dear friend, Sarah Palin" -Thanks. Because of you, it's been a tremendous season thus far for SNL, Tina Fey, and 30 Rock. Don't think any of your candid interviews with reporters hurt me... you did the best you can, like the other day when a reporter asked you what you planned on doing the next few years. True, it would have helped for you to say you'd be working in The White House with me however, you said you see yourself at home with the family and continuing your role there as a Mom. At least you were being honest!
• My dear friend and loving brother, Joe. Thanks Joe. You got stuck in traffic for a while and got angry enough to call 911 on your cell phone to complain. I'm sorry that after you cursed the guy up and down before slamming the phone, he called back to tell you that the number you dialed isn't for playing games, only emergencies. I feel I should be responsible. Afterall, you told the nice fella that you were my brother thinking that may help however, that only got you into more trouble. You're still my brother and I love you besides, we share the same blood and the same surname and there's always a drunk somewhere in the family! You'll bounce back soon. Take a look back on Billy Carter and Roger Clinton!
• My dear friends at MTV. Thank you for finally realizing that "Viva La Bam, Jackass, and Paris Hilton's New BFF" shows no longer encourage the young people to vote as often as you did years ago when Bill Clinton ran for office. The truth is, skateboarding, Hip Hop, Diddy, and lighting your farts on fire have nothing to do with politics in the first place. Matter of fact, take all that crap off the air and go back to the day before there was YouTube and you guys actually had a good thing going. Think about it...are Johnny Knoxville and Paris Hilton gonna make the kids vote or give them more reason not to get out of bed and turn off the TV?
• My dear friends who worked my campaign -You all did a great job right up until the end especially, the lady working for me that pretended she was ambushed by an angry group of Obama supporters who kicked, slapped, and beat the hell out of her before carving the letter "B" into her face. It was funny. You were just participating in the annual tradition of Halloween pranks. It had no effect on my cause. In fact, it took me back to the story of Hester Prynne, the lady who wore the red scarlett letter "A". Perhaps your name will come up in a future work of fiction for grade school kids to read. But seriously, that was kind of a bad thing you did to me, isn't it?