"Dear Readers and Fellow Bloggers...A Special, Holiday Message"!

• Happy Holidays to one and all! I can't tell you to have a "Merry Christmas" because many of you are not the religious type and find the phrase offensive. Now, as many of you curl up by the fireplace with your cup of "Holiday Cheer", here's why I think December 25th should be rubber stamped, "Return to Sender"!
• First of all, it's true what they say, that "the older you get, the faster the year goes by" and the proof is in the putting: Eight years later and FOX is still 20th Century Fox. Someone must have been asleep at the switch.
• Remember when you were a kid growing up and Rudolph, Frosty, and Charlie Brown were on only once a year? Yep. If you missed them on TV you were out of luck for a year.
• Here in Chicago, I'd like to thank radio station WLIT 93.9 for playing nothing but Christmas music a day after Halloween. 65 Degrees the first week of November and I'm listening to Frosty the Snowman. The good news is, I don't like Michael Bolton or Celine Dion at ANY time of the year.
• Here's another thing...the people that keep bitchin' about no more Marshall Fields! "Macy's just isn't the same" they say as they protest in front of the stores. It's a friggin' store people. It changed it's name. If you have a lot of money to spend, you don't have to shop there! Go to KMART! If the Shell station down the block turns to BP and you don't like it but need gas, you gotta go there.
• A big raspberry goes out to Wal-Mart for putting a jump on the season weeks BEFORE Halloween...While you got a raincheck for the Nintendo Wii, at least there was a Quizno's in the store so you didn't have to make dinner. The Walton family has stood proud of their religious beliefs BUT, everything goes out the window come October!
• Another raspberry goes to Walgreen's Drug Store. At 11:59 on Tuesday night, the minimum wage employees who were on the schedule will be busy as rabbits...turning the store into Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day, and yes, Easter.
• Here's the big one: The History Channel/Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel. These guys ought to just stay with "American Chopper" instead of trying to extinguish all that we've learned about Christmas. So they say, December 25th was only penciled in on the calendar by accident. The real date should be in the middle of July where astronomy has shown that the North Star was only seen that July. Thanks for wrecking it!
• To those anxious to slip into George W. Bush's shoes come November 2008, ENOUGH ALREADY! Sure, Hillary Rodham Clinton already ran the White House in the 1990's but, due to a loophole she can now be elected for two terms equaling a total of eight years. Let's put it this way...as long as the people in New Orleans keep singing the Blues instead of Jazz, Hillary will more than likely win. How's that for coal in your stocking? On the flipside we have Rudy Gulianni. Here's a guy who still gets into five star restaurants because of the fact that he was Mayor of New York. That's right...WAS! Let's do things like they do in grade school and instead of being Principal for a day, you can be President for a day. Bottom line is, all these politicians ruined my Christmas by wrapping the baby Jesus in a flag for a blanket and NO, that isn't right! So we have a whole year to hear the same old schtick? Well, I can pronounce "Clinton" but, I can also pronounce "McCain". As for the others, better tell Santa to stick a Thesaurus in my sock next year if I'm to listen to a "Mitt", "Obahma", or "Huckabee". This sounds like a race that Dr. Seuss came up with for crying out loud!
• Remember the true meaning of Christmas, and remember the troops!

"Merry Christmas" and TAKE COVER!

Be sure to check in to The Squealing Pig Worldwide this holiday season for a special announcement. Of course, have yourself a "BLUE" Christmas!

...It really is BLUE!

"Ready for some cuddling and snuggling"

(AP) Sudan, Africa- A class project went haywire for a British school teacher on assignment at a grade school. The 50+ woman almost got her head chopped of for naming the classroom mascot after Muslim's most holy name of Muhammed. The axe was getting sharpened while the lady and her apologies fell on deaf ears. Finally. by the goodness of the British Parliment and the President of Sudan, she's now off the hook however, was escorted to an airplane to send her back home. Good for her!

This is what makes America such a nifty place to live! Your kids can name their teddy bears after anyone they want BUT, there's knockoffs and imposters this Christmas season that can quite frankly, fool even the most cautious shopper. The biggest scam going involves Tickle Me Elmo TMX. Brain damaged consumers should be aware that after adding $20 to the Muppet, the package reads: Giggle Me Elmo TMX. Not only do the Chinese add lead to every toy they export...they can't even get the packaging right. Keep that in mind when shopping for the Borack Obama teddy bear you accidently pick up the Osama Bin Laden teddy bear. Yes, that's enough to make Teddy Roosevelt spin in his grave!

"A Boatload Full Of Crap"...and then some!

We return today at the beginning of December, and what a screwed up world we live in.

• "My Space" or "Dumb Mistake"? Here's the story of a teenage girl dealing with an eating disorder, a lack of friends, and a desire for attention from a boy. The only problem here is that there was no boy. As it turns out, parents of the girlfriend down the street pretended to be the make-believe boyfriend. At the end, things got nasty and the girl ended up hanging herself in the closet. As of today, no charges have been filed against anyone. In other words, do whatever you want on the Internet...Ain't America THEE PLACE TO BE?


• Up next: The Hulkster. While his family circle falls apart, Terry "Hulk" Bollea seeks tranquility from a case of aluminum cans while recovering from the "piledriver" that his wife gave him. Seems as though the VH-1 reality series Hogan Knows Best didn't take his son Nick into account. What do you give a 17 year old kid who has everything? A carload of Miller Lite and the keys to a Dodge Viper where the kid can smash it up and hit another car. All the while, Nick hung on and no beer was spilled. While the Hulkster awaits charges for contributing to the delinquincy of a minor, Mrs. Hogan cashed in the chips with their marriage and wants to keep the kids away from Dad by moving to California. Hogan promises that his wife won't get a penny in the end. Meanwhile, Hulkster puts his marital problems on the back burner as he focuses...not on "Rasslin" but, on the revival of American Gladiators coming soon to NBC.


• 
  
  

Now, when you leave a doodie in the toilet...a messy one that swirls around and around and doesn't go down, you think of Mr. Whipple from those old TV commercials. He would throw a fit if you squeezed his toilet paper however, he squeezed and squeezed like there was no tommorrow. Mr. Whipple died last week. He was in his 90's. Call me crazy but, as he rests in peace, this gentleman's name will always be associated with shit. The next time you wipe, do it for Mr. Whipple!

Evel Knieval died last week too! This was a guy who did stupid stunts that half the time didn't work as planned. His red, white, and blue jumpsuit was a perfect fit for 1976 Bi-Centenial celebrations. Evel cheated death a number of times and retired a number of times. Climbing into a rocket with hopes of flying over the Grand Canyon wasn't just a big deal...it was downright friggin' NUTS! I knew the guy was gonna be in trouble from when Evel's rocket cycle that I had for a toy, failed to lift off the linoleum kitchen floor. One thing he was good at and never lost was going home, getting drunk, and using his wife as a punching bag. He went through three wives and in his later years, went after Kanye West who used his likeness in a music video. Surviving family members include his son, Robbie.