You want it? You got it...Another "No Holds Barred" edition of The Pig. Away we go...
- Goofy has worked it's way from Disneyland and Disneyworld to the theme parks that carry the "Six Flags" moniker. All twenty-something of them. In a sign that we're edging closer to the Communism of the old Soviet Union, Six Flags is now going to be in control of the way you dress and the way you talk when visiting one of their parks starting next year. Suppose you dress in a shirt that says "I'm with stupid". They'll make you turn it inside out, go to the car for another shirt, or get kicked out. There are no flip flops or open toe sandals allowed there anymore either. It's too dangerous they say. The bottom line is, when you go to one of their struggling amusement parks in the future, dress as if you're going to church. You may even want to consider carrying a Bible with you too! While Disney is focusing on getting rid of all the junk food at their parks, Six Flags is mad that your shirt says, "F*** You"! Also, before visiting Six Flags, brush your teeth real good and grab a bar of Irish Spring. You'll need that too. Employees are told not to allow profane language. It's a family place now. Is this going to make me rush over to Gurnee? Hell no. First of all, I haven't been there for almost 20 years. In other words, I can live without the place another 20 or more. You heard it here first folks...in a few years Great America will be home to a Wal-Mart, Target and TGI Fridays.
- Sir Paul has got his tits in the wringer with his soon to be Ex-Wife Heather. Seems as though Sir Paul's being knighted a few years ago hasn't slowed down his rowdy lifestyle that first came to light at the end of The Beatles reign on the music charts. What does this legless woman have against Paul other than the fact he's filthy rich and she's not? Finger pointing and plenty of it. She says, allegedly, that Paul is an alcoholic who has beat her, punched holes in the walls, and even attacked her with a half broken wine bottle to the throat. When not in a stuper, Paul was using drugs heavily, and not just smoking pot. She labels Paul as a "physically and verbally abusive mean man". Meanwhile, nobody's grilling this broad who was clueless who The Beatles were when she met Paul. "Did you play bars or something? Are you mad you never got a record deal?" she asked. What followed was justified. She was adding up all of Paul's assets in her head and pretending to be a big dope. It was only fitting that Paul took off her artificial legs and whacked her upside the head to teach her a lesson. Afterall, You'd have to be bound and gagged in a locked closet for 20 years not to know The Beatles. This scam wasn't even worthy of being called "pulling a fast one". Nope. This scam was powered on rocket fuel. Stress? You betcha! All that may be left is Ringo when this is over.
- Here's a question for President Bush and Connie Rice: Since when does testing an alternate power source involve detonating nuclear missiles. We keep hearing from Washington that if North Korea conducts another test, there will be "serious consequences" for that country however, no economic sanctions...Huh? This is where you're supposed to start. This Communist Nation is already in a serious state of turmoil. 80% of workers salaries are taken by the government. People, mainly children and the elderly drop dead in the streets while the hard working citizens of North Korea are spending the majority of their income on military projects. I say to Bush and Rice, quit pussyfooting around and don't even bother to negotiate something. You're only wasting valuable time. Maybe if that whole nation starves to death, they'll realize they've made a big mistake. Otherwise, in another year, the Middle East will meet with an angry North Korea and walk away with nuclear weapons that will most certainly be used against the U.S.
