Operation ESTHR set to debut in midwest very soon. Ottumwa, IA (API) - It's official. Much of the United States already relies on the help of the AMBER ALERT SYSTEM to aide in the search for missing children. Beginning next month, Iowa and portions of Illinois will be benefitting from a new GPS style tracking device called ESTHR or the Emergency Senior citizen Tracking, Help, and Recovery system. "This is just another tool to help find an elderly grandpa or grandma that may get confused or out of touch with their surroundings." says Sherrif Clyde Humpermill of the Picwah County Sherrif's Office. "Hardly a day goes by where we don't get a call about someone wandering around in their pajamas." He says. Similar to the AMBER Alert system, this network pits out a bulletin for the missing elderly. While AMBER is a high priority alert being sent out immefiately to radio and television stations, ESTHR operates differently. "This is considered to be not that high on the list of priorities" according to Humpermill. "If they are located within a half hour or so, that's great. After that, we pretty much call things off for a variety of reasons." For this pilot program, funding is low, resources can't be stretched, and in the end, there really is no bad news either way the outcome. "It may be cruel to say" quips Humpermill. "But, we figure they altready lived a productive life. The animals have to survive too..." he continues, "wild animals enjoy feasting on the carcasses alomg the roadside." Alerts will primarily be given during the middle of the night when the elderly have trouble falling asleep. CBS Television and Sony Pictures have allowed exclusive rights to air these alerts during the reruns of popular syndicated shows such as "Matlock" and "Murder She Wrote".
Got Room? Ed McMahon and maybe even Mickey Mouse may need your help! OK, imagine it's 7 o' clock in the evening and the front doorbell rings. You answer the door and Ed McMahon is standing there without any fanfare, balloons or confetti, and no oversized check. Matter of fact, both his pockets are empty. There's no television cameras, no Dick Clark by his side and certainly no Johnny Carson. Do you let him in, or slam the door shut? Same goes for the popular mouse down in Orlando. Imagine taking a trip to Disney World only to discover the Magic Kingdom is "red tagged" with "No Trespassing" signs amidst a weed infested parking lot. This ain't "TV's Super Bloopers and Practical Jokes" either. Yep, these two are in deep financial doo-doo. Seems as though McMahon is still paying off several ex-wives and suffering from a broken neck injury last year. This 80 something guy can't work and his house is going into foreclosure. Heck, he may become homeless! Mickey on the other hand, shouldn't be eating cheese from the government anytime soon. Although park attendance dwindles to a record low as a result of high gas and travel expenses, the popular rodent should make a clean getaway after collecting revenue from the several upcoming Disney Pictures releases. Don't pull out the violin or sing a sad song for Ed McMahon either. This old man is already hitting the talk show circuit to spin his tale. If bad comes to worse, maybe Jerry Lewis or Dick Clark can help out. Let the Muscular Distrophy Association take a year off and dedicate this Labor Day to Johnny's old sidekick! Afterall, with all the money they make from the gig, where does it go? C'mon! You mean to tell me that after collecting so many millions over the last 40 years that they haven;t found a cure yet?! SOMEBODY is lining their pockets somewhere! Here's another idea... Raffle the old codger off to someone in a weekly lottery. The winner gets Ed McMahon as a houseguest. Feed him, clothe him, and change his diaper as needed. Let the guy leave greetings on your answering machine for callers. Let him introduce your guests as he opens up your front door. For God sakes, don't lrt this legends star burn out in some potter's field with an unmarked grave. Please help him, won't you?
