"Dear Readers and Fellow Bloggers...A Special, Holiday Message"!

• Happy Holidays to one and all! I can't tell you to have a "Merry Christmas" because many of you are not the religious type and find the phrase offensive. Now, as many of you curl up by the fireplace with your cup of "Holiday Cheer", here's why I think December 25th should be rubber stamped, "Return to Sender"!
• First of all, it's true what they say, that "the older you get, the faster the year goes by" and the proof is in the putting: Eight years later and FOX is still 20th Century Fox. Someone must have been asleep at the switch.
• Remember when you were a kid growing up and Rudolph, Frosty, and Charlie Brown were on only once a year? Yep. If you missed them on TV you were out of luck for a year.
• Here in Chicago, I'd like to thank radio station WLIT 93.9 for playing nothing but Christmas music a day after Halloween. 65 Degrees the first week of November and I'm listening to Frosty the Snowman. The good news is, I don't like Michael Bolton or Celine Dion at ANY time of the year.
• Here's another thing...the people that keep bitchin' about no more Marshall Fields! "Macy's just isn't the same" they say as they protest in front of the stores. It's a friggin' store people. It changed it's name. If you have a lot of money to spend, you don't have to shop there! Go to KMART! If the Shell station down the block turns to BP and you don't like it but need gas, you gotta go there.
• A big raspberry goes out to Wal-Mart for putting a jump on the season weeks BEFORE Halloween...While you got a raincheck for the Nintendo Wii, at least there was a Quizno's in the store so you didn't have to make dinner. The Walton family has stood proud of their religious beliefs BUT, everything goes out the window come October!
• Another raspberry goes to Walgreen's Drug Store. At 11:59 on Tuesday night, the minimum wage employees who were on the schedule will be busy as rabbits...turning the store into Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day, and yes, Easter.
• Here's the big one: The History Channel/Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel. These guys ought to just stay with "American Chopper" instead of trying to extinguish all that we've learned about Christmas. So they say, December 25th was only penciled in on the calendar by accident. The real date should be in the middle of July where astronomy has shown that the North Star was only seen that July. Thanks for wrecking it!
• To those anxious to slip into George W. Bush's shoes come November 2008, ENOUGH ALREADY! Sure, Hillary Rodham Clinton already ran the White House in the 1990's but, due to a loophole she can now be elected for two terms equaling a total of eight years. Let's put it this way...as long as the people in New Orleans keep singing the Blues instead of Jazz, Hillary will more than likely win. How's that for coal in your stocking? On the flipside we have Rudy Gulianni. Here's a guy who still gets into five star restaurants because of the fact that he was Mayor of New York. That's right...WAS! Let's do things like they do in grade school and instead of being Principal for a day, you can be President for a day. Bottom line is, all these politicians ruined my Christmas by wrapping the baby Jesus in a flag for a blanket and NO, that isn't right! So we have a whole year to hear the same old schtick? Well, I can pronounce "Clinton" but, I can also pronounce "McCain". As for the others, better tell Santa to stick a Thesaurus in my sock next year if I'm to listen to a "Mitt", "Obahma", or "Huckabee". This sounds like a race that Dr. Seuss came up with for crying out loud!
• Remember the true meaning of Christmas, and remember the troops!

"Merry Christmas" and TAKE COVER!

Be sure to check in to The Squealing Pig Worldwide this holiday season for a special announcement. Of course, have yourself a "BLUE" Christmas!

...It really is BLUE!

"Ready for some cuddling and snuggling"

(AP) Sudan, Africa- A class project went haywire for a British school teacher on assignment at a grade school. The 50+ woman almost got her head chopped of for naming the classroom mascot after Muslim's most holy name of Muhammed. The axe was getting sharpened while the lady and her apologies fell on deaf ears. Finally. by the goodness of the British Parliment and the President of Sudan, she's now off the hook however, was escorted to an airplane to send her back home. Good for her!

This is what makes America such a nifty place to live! Your kids can name their teddy bears after anyone they want BUT, there's knockoffs and imposters this Christmas season that can quite frankly, fool even the most cautious shopper. The biggest scam going involves Tickle Me Elmo TMX. Brain damaged consumers should be aware that after adding $20 to the Muppet, the package reads: Giggle Me Elmo TMX. Not only do the Chinese add lead to every toy they export...they can't even get the packaging right. Keep that in mind when shopping for the Borack Obama teddy bear you accidently pick up the Osama Bin Laden teddy bear. Yes, that's enough to make Teddy Roosevelt spin in his grave!

"A Boatload Full Of Crap"...and then some!

We return today at the beginning of December, and what a screwed up world we live in.

• "My Space" or "Dumb Mistake"? Here's the story of a teenage girl dealing with an eating disorder, a lack of friends, and a desire for attention from a boy. The only problem here is that there was no boy. As it turns out, parents of the girlfriend down the street pretended to be the make-believe boyfriend. At the end, things got nasty and the girl ended up hanging herself in the closet. As of today, no charges have been filed against anyone. In other words, do whatever you want on the Internet...Ain't America THEE PLACE TO BE?


• Up next: The Hulkster. While his family circle falls apart, Terry "Hulk" Bollea seeks tranquility from a case of aluminum cans while recovering from the "piledriver" that his wife gave him. Seems as though the VH-1 reality series Hogan Knows Best didn't take his son Nick into account. What do you give a 17 year old kid who has everything? A carload of Miller Lite and the keys to a Dodge Viper where the kid can smash it up and hit another car. All the while, Nick hung on and no beer was spilled. While the Hulkster awaits charges for contributing to the delinquincy of a minor, Mrs. Hogan cashed in the chips with their marriage and wants to keep the kids away from Dad by moving to California. Hogan promises that his wife won't get a penny in the end. Meanwhile, Hulkster puts his marital problems on the back burner as he focuses...not on "Rasslin" but, on the revival of American Gladiators coming soon to NBC.


• 
  
  

Now, when you leave a doodie in the toilet...a messy one that swirls around and around and doesn't go down, you think of Mr. Whipple from those old TV commercials. He would throw a fit if you squeezed his toilet paper however, he squeezed and squeezed like there was no tommorrow. Mr. Whipple died last week. He was in his 90's. Call me crazy but, as he rests in peace, this gentleman's name will always be associated with shit. The next time you wipe, do it for Mr. Whipple!

Evel Knieval died last week too! This was a guy who did stupid stunts that half the time didn't work as planned. His red, white, and blue jumpsuit was a perfect fit for 1976 Bi-Centenial celebrations. Evel cheated death a number of times and retired a number of times. Climbing into a rocket with hopes of flying over the Grand Canyon wasn't just a big deal...it was downright friggin' NUTS! I knew the guy was gonna be in trouble from when Evel's rocket cycle that I had for a toy, failed to lift off the linoleum kitchen floor. One thing he was good at and never lost was going home, getting drunk, and using his wife as a punching bag. He went through three wives and in his later years, went after Kanye West who used his likeness in a music video. Surviving family members include his son, Robbie.

Give the gift that keeps on squealing...

On Sale Now!

"Turkey Jerky With Raspberries And Peanut Stuffing"

Time once again for another holiday gone haywire: Thanksgiving! I say "good grief!" to PBS for their "up close and personal" look at Peanuts creator, Charles M. Schulz. Funny thing is, they managed to squeeze this in at a time when his cartoons air between Halloween and Christmas on television. I will now refer to Mr. Schulz as "Sparkey" - a nickname that friends gave him early on when he was still scribbling stick figures on dinner napkins.

Sparkey knew that drawing and particularily comics were in his future. Fast forward a bit and Sparkey gets his break with "Peanuts". As is the case with many cartoonists and voice-over artists, the characters portrayed are loosely based on friends and family...or are they so "loose"? With friends and family to generate enough material to cover nearly fifty years, it's no wonder that Sparkey was married a few times, wasn't there for his kids, and locked himself in his office at home to draw. The irony here is, it was an escape from everyday life however, the strip literally fed off his life! While "Peanuts" fame was rising and being syndicated in newspapers, Charlie shunned everyone around him. It comes as no shock to learn that the man even skipped Thanksgiving to draw. Snoopy making toast, popcorn, and jelly-beans for dinner wasn't that far off the mark for a typical Thanksgiving in Charlie's office. According to his kids, the only time they saw him was for a daily whoopin' with Sparkey's belt.

Up to his neck in deadlines, Sparkey bit off more than he could chew when he agreed to put some of his creativity on television. It started out with the Christmas special, "A Charlie Brown Christmas". It almost didn't make it to air on CBS because of the references to religion. Well, it was a hit and several weeks later CBS ordered up more of these half hour specials. "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" came around the next year and was followed by the Thanksgiving special. This is where Sparkey's true colors came out. In a segment that was quickly cut in editing, Charlie Brown is on the phone with his Grandmother. While Snoopy is dishing out candy, soda pop, and toast, to the whole gang, Grandma gets irate with Chuck on the phone wondering how in the hell she's gonna squeeze six more people in at the dinner table and AT THE LAST MINUTE! Immediately, Grandma warns Charlie not to bring his gay friends over and also, leave the colored kid at home...in between the "wa wa wa's", Grandma reminds Charlie that the only breasts she wants to see are on the turkey and that if Franklin thinks he's getting fried chicken and collard greens, he's out of luck. CBS censors deleted the scene and made sure that Schulz "played nice" with the kids on a holiday. NEXT TIME: PART II

"Welcome To The Sad, Sad World of Comedy"

The Geico gecco called their toll free number to get his job back...no luck. "The Beverly Hillbillies", "The Flintstones" and "Chatty Cathy" have taken over. Please find it in your hearts to show some pity on this lizard who wiggled his way into your hearts a few years ago for auto insurance. Gregory the gecco caught a lucky break when his Daddy (voice provided by Kelsey Grammar) jump started the whole thing. Dad was doing commercials non-union and that's when Gregory took things over. Oh yeah, this was a BIG deal for everyone involved until some pencil pusher at Geico decided it would be funny to have some stand-ins put on a caveman costume. As this idea produced several successful commercials, Gregory was left many miles south of the equator in Australia. He's spent all his money on Foster's Lager and testing age old myths such as, does the water REALLY move counter clockwise when you flush the toilet. The cavemen?

The commercials were such a hit that Geico approached all the television networks to possibly make a show revolved around these guys. ABC took the bait and promised it would be a big hit. Unfortunately for Disney/ABC, such nonsense doesn't fit in with the other nonsense they air...""Dancing With The Stars" and "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire". That caveman better enjoy his Australian lager while sitting in the hot tub. TV Guide has named this the worst show EVER! It's going to vanish quicker than David Copperfield on the run with a search warrant. That poor lizard needs to come back...will the dopes at Geico let him? More than likely, not.

Here's another project that asks Jerry Seinfeld, "What's the deal with taking a decade to create a new project?" Seinfeld said his goodbyes quite some time ago. He's said that retiring from his show means exactly that...He's RETIRED. Meanwhile, Jerry's wallet must be light as a feather. He's put out a few comedy CD's, DVD's, and he's done concerts too. I'd be remiss not to mention Season 9 of Seinfeld arriving on DVD November 7th (This has the famous Festivus episode and wraps up with the series finale). So, he's got the DVD thing going for him and his wife is also making her rounds promoting her new cookbook. Now, Jerry comes back in the spotlight with a new movie from Pixar called "Bee Movie". Being the perfectionist that he is, Jerry says he began writing this story for the movie during the second to last season of his show. In other words, his finishing the story late last year raises the bar on what types of movies are considered "worth paying $12 to see". OK, I'll cut the guy a little slack as he said the film was in honor of his kids BUT, don't expect Elaine, George, or Kramer to make a cameo. I say this "Bee" will make a buzz in theaters however, the buzz will be from the emergency exits as filmgoers storm out of the cineplex.

"Take This Muppet and STUFF IT"!

In my opinion, here's a piece of material that belongs in a bucket of soap to wash the car rather than a gift for a birthday or Christmas! ...There you have it. The Muppet by the name of Elmo. Have a kid? Elmo may have worked his way into your child's heart on Sesame Street but, he took his other arm and wiggled his way into your wallet.
My little girl Arianna is quick to become emotionally attached to whatever she watches on PBS. atWe've collected enough animals both plastic and stuffed, to open a museum. These "infatuations" are temporary, lasting only a few weeks. We've gone from cows to turtles to pigs. And now, with no thanks to PBS and Sprout we've entered the Elmo stage and it ain't pretty! One month shy of her second birthday, Arianna has ditched chocolate milk and cookies for champagne and caviar...in other words, A love for ANYTHING Elmo. At the rate this is going, we'll be applying for a credit card Macy's soon.
What the heck is wrong with Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, or Bert and Ernie? Not to mention Kermit, Grover and Cookie Monster? Arianna automatically chose the most expensive Muppet of them all! A "Tickle Me Elmo TMX" is going for $100 right now, as is every other incarnation of this fuzzy fool. Elmo sings the "Hokey Pokey", pees on a toilet, dances, buurps, farts...you name it. All this for $100 dollars! Meanwhile, the Cookie Monster doll that does the same thing is going for $16.00. What makes this character a good buddy of Donald Trump? I don't know either. One thing I do know is Elmo's gender has never been revealed and Elmo's puppeteer and voice is that of a black man. Back to Arie... she got her way and is going to trick or treat in a genuine Elmo suit on Halloween. Her birthday party is also going to have a, you guessed it, Elmo theme. I say, Elmo may as well pick up a gun and rob me. That furry thing has most of my money anyway! Yeah, I know. It's just a phase.

"...Whew! A lot of catching up to do" OR "There's no biz like show biz"

• We're making a big baseball slide into the new season of TSP Worldwide. A lot of crap has happened since the last posting but, you guessed it, some things never change. It seems as though substance abuse and alcohol are targeting all your favorites. Nothing new about Lindsay Lohan. Out of rehab and is said to be getting close to her sponsor in the 12 step program. ...Nevermind the fact that "the program" advises folks to hold back on new relationships for at least a year. ANYWAY, let's hit it.

I don't know if the famous illusionist named David Copperfield enjoys a glass of Brandy and a cigar after a successful show, but it's obvious that this guy gets the women. After making the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building and the Space Shuttle vanish, I'm guessing that even the long arm of Copperfield can't reach into his bag of tricks to make the sexual assault charges go away. Let's be honest here...Penn and Teller busted your balls years ago in Vegas. While Network News says you "allegedly" got together a woman, I advise you to stick with Chinese handcuffs and keep the wand undercover!

What a SHOCKER it was to hear about John Goodman's visit to rehab for what was "A battle that took place over many years" according to John. Hmmm. We don't know what ails the big guy. Drugs? Nope. Methinks Goodman stuck to a liquid diet of booze. This really comes as no surprise to his followers. How would you like to work on a popular sitcom with Roseanne Barr who later brings in her dim-witted husband with no television experience to boss you around? Goodman struggled to the series finish. The last few episodes saw a bloated Goodman sweating like a pig. This can also be seen in his supporting roles in "Raising Arizona" and "The Big Lebowski". In the end, Goodman wiggled his way into the Blues Brothers and managed to throw a gutter ball and derail the Blues Brothers future with a forgetable performance in "Blues Brothers 2000". Dry out John!

Britney Spears has been a hot topic for much of 2007. Is she a drunk? A druggie? Maybe just a little nuts?! The family intervened with no luck. She's ready to crash and burn, refuses help, refuses rehab, and enjoys toying with those following her for a photo op. Sure, she lost custody of her kids and is putting up a helluva fight to get them back. She was a half an hour late showing up for her court date last week and drove over a photographer's foot while trying to flee the scene. The drugs and depression and whatever the hell else she has, has turned this blonde superstar into a KFC, McDonald's, and Burger King junkie. Britney loves to parade around onstage half naked... Put some clothes on silly girl. I'm tired of looking at your belly and big ass. Also last week, Britney enjoyed a lip implant at a Beverly Hills clinic. Shaved head, tattoos, piercing, and plastic surgery? What's next? I'm almost afraid to ask.

Youtube wasn't too nice to David Hasselhoff after posting the drunk former "Baywatch" star slithering across his kitchen floor shirtless, and trying to dine on a Wendy's hamburger. His daughter taped his antics which later surfaced on the Web. Feeling ashamed, Hasselhoff went on television to proclaim his sobriety. The German popstar assured everyone that this was a time to forget about the past and focus on the future. Several weeks later, David was refused a boarding pass for a flight headed to London because flight attendants suspected Hasselhoff was intoxicated. A press release followed days later from David saying he's returning to rehab "for the final time". OK.

Finally, Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi fame lost his wife, Heather Locklear over a catfight with excercise guru Denise Richards. A long delay in recording led to a stint in rehab for Sambora. Upon release of their new album and concert tour, Richie exited rehab and was ready to go... That was until a guest appearance on "Saturday Night Live" a few weeks ago where John Bon Jovi guest hosted and during the opening monologue called upon Sambora who was seated in the audience. Richie had only three words to read off the teleprompter and by gum, he screwed up. The slurring and laughing were a dead giveaway.

Check the UPC codes!

Oops! Somebody goofed today's blog. If you read it earlier, please send it back as soon as you can!

"Return of The Ailing Pig"!!! ..Let's hope.

Hospital Rules 101

God bless all the Doctors and Nurses at St. Margaret Mercy Hospital who managed to F*%$ UP what I thought was an overnight visit and turn it into an adventure. All I needed was a safari hat. You know, before they do anything to you, they have to shoot you up with lots of dope. Within the next 30 minutes you will be bombarded by all kinds of hospital staffers who will introduce themselves and expect you to remember names. When someone asks, "Who did this to you?" never say that it was an Indian Doctor...You see, that hurts their feelings because Pakistan, Afghanastan and Israel are not geographically related on the map.

Here's one thing you SHOULD do: Whatever may fit into your suitcase, stuff it in. Heck, you paid for it anyway. Soap, shampoo, and all the way down to the bedspread. If the television weren't bolted to the wall, that would be going with me too.

After six weeks literally tied to the bed, I noticed one thing: A hospital is a place much like this planet used to be. Blacks, Whites, Arabs, Indians, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Germans, Hispanics and a few Polish women to get the floors spic and span and clean the crapper. Yeah, there was a lot of backstabbing and talking behind one another's back amongst themselves but hey, in the end everyone got along well. Matter of fact, there was so much love in the air (people that loved their jobs as well as their co-workers) that it's a shame the hospital roof can't open up to let some of the good stuff loose. As for their medical wisdom...that is somewhat of a different story.

"TSP WORLDWIDE Music News: Where you read it last!"

• ...Just back from Chicago's Bud Billikin parade. Who is this character? It's a fictional person A.K.A. Uncle Remus in Disney's "Song of the South". The parade is supposed to get kids all fired up about school. The irony here is that once school starts, 99% of the kids will have their parents call in sick for them.

• Did you or a friend go to Stinkapalooza?
  

Not to worry. Chicago secured the rights for Lalapalooza for several years...Catch it next time around. Pearl Jam was the headliner here and without any rhyme or reason. Hey, these guys were "the shit" in the 90's but, in 2007 as per request, Eddie Vedder and company no longer care about record sales...Dammit, they just love to make music! ...and that they did. While AT&T aired Lalapalooza via Internet, there was a slip of the fingers when a song that grilled George Bush was "accidentaly" edited. Yeah, you'll now have to visit their website to hear the whole thing in it's entirety. I say this: Pearl Jam, you guys ought to thank your lucky stars that you still have a record label!




Coming this Monday is a press conference with members of Van Halen to announce their plans for a world tour and an album. This will be the 3rd attempt to patch things up with David Lee Roth in as many months. Twenty three years is a LONG time. All I can say is that Sammy Hagar has Cabo Wabo, and if this gig ain't going to work, Diamond Dave will be stuck on skid row. Cut the hair Dave. Long hair and a big bald spot on top, you look like Hulk Hogan's skinny brother.

Finally, I send out kudos to Al Jourgenson and Ministry for over twenty years of music. Most people remember "Everyday is Halloween". It's much more than that. This is actually Rob Zombie BEFORE Rob Zombie. Al, you went from dance music to heavy industrial. I know you'll be back.

READ THE DISCLAIMER BELOW BEFORE YOU READ!

This is bad. It's on the news but deserves my two cents. Here's one of my rants that won't make it to the newspapers. Well, you've been warned! I want to send a shout out to three amigos above for once again stirring up a hornets nest of controversey. First up is Jesse Jackson's marches which make their way to Riverdale. I guess the gun shop there is to be held accountable for all the crime in the world. Always standing side by side and hand in hand with Jackson is the wannabe black priest Michael Phleger. He loves to blame gangs, drugs, teen pregnancy, and every other "obstacle" a black teen stumbles over on music released by white operated record labels, liquor ads, and the fact that these kids have nothing to do in the big city of Chicago. It's "one step forward and two steps back" for the blacks. He constantly reminds us that blacks are on the short end of the stick and says that the white community needs to get on their hands and knees and kiss the feet of Chicago's blacks. If not for their hard work and good intentions, tumbleweeds might be blowing down Michigan Ave. To round out this profile, the Catholic priest isn't mincing words when he says that Jesus and everyone mentioned in the bible were black. The blacks were meant to be superior. White folks were pretty much a genetic blooper that messed things up. Not to worry though. In time, the only place to see a white man will be at the wax museum. Burt Reynolds, Liberace, and Michael Jackson. Next up is Al Sharpton who just set up shop last week in Chicago for the purpose of shaking up the Police Department for their nasty habit of racial profiling. These 3 Stooges keep putting their heads together and no matter if it's robbery, DUI, drugs, the cops get involved and it's racial profiling. Here's what I suggest, and it will make these three and all of Chicago happy...if the police need to worry about any of these three who criticize the job they do, let's do away with it all and let everything run amuck. OK, that may be a bit extreme, but lets do away with cops and guns. A stolen car full of crystal meth, heroin, and marijuana with three people inside? Oh officer, give them the dope back and be a good sport and let these guys go home. As for the car, gentlemen, I'm sure that in the morning you'll feel sorry about that. Here's the address of the owner. Go get a Hallmark card to thank them for the use and drop it off with the keys in the mailbox. This is where things are headed. The big three need to be deep sixed.

"Lucy, a Rolling Stone, and there really is a reason to fear!"

• Let's get this business started. Do you know who celebrates a birthday today? Lucille Ball. She would have been 96 today...if she were still alive. That's where I come in. Two television newscasts were talking about Lucy in the present tense as if she's still active and playing Vegas. She died around 1990-91. We rely on TV news for everything. If they don't realize that Lucy has been dead for so many years, it makes me wonder what's going on in Iraq.

Next up in line is a story about lines. A rumor surfaced a few years back about Keith Richards of Rolling Stones fame that suggested a cocaine binge ended on somewhat of a silly note. The story was that Richards sat down with cocaine on one side and his father's ashes on the other side. Over the course of the evening Richards and pals broke open the urn and started snorting dad. This has long been an "urban legend" however, this was confirmed today online by Richards who fessed up and said it's true. Take it for what it's worth.

Finally, I want to thank Disney for f'n up a good thing with Underdog. If you're going to tinker with a classic cartoon like this and you obviously own it now, why in the hell would you make this a "live action" flick? Don't expect to make money or break even from this disaster.

"70's revisited? Am I still stoned, or is this 2007?"

Let's give a hoot and a holler to Led Zeppelin for getting together and deciding to go on tour again since 1980. If things work out as planned, these guys may follow things up with some new material for a new record. So why now, after all these years since drummer John Bonham died is it necessary to get together for a trip through time? Robert Plant and Jimmy Page have their own things going that are somewhat successful. John Paul Jones does his best work right now behind the scenes as a producer. This reunion was said to have taken place 15 years ago with Jason Bonham filling in for Dad on the sticks. Zeppelin ain't Zeppelin without all the originals. Maybe they can dig up John Bonham's grave and bring his skeletal remains on tour behind the drum kit. Put a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand and there's Zeppelin. Case closed.

Here's another story worth looking at...The Eagles. This is another group that has been hemming and hawing whether or not to call it quits, all the way through their reunion tour a few years back. This story has more twists and turns than the Santa Monica Freeway. As it is, the boys in the band are supposed to be hitting the studio for a new album of originals. Keep in mind that a few months ago Pink Floyd and Van Halen announced new records and a tour to follow. Since then, all talk has since vanished into thin air. This will most likely "be continued".

Sick Rockers, Getting Wasted, AND shootin' hoop with Ducktape and rope!

• I start today on a rather "down" note regarding the current obsticales placed in front of Mr. Paul Stanley and Ozzy Osbourne healthwise. Sure, these guys may want to "Rock until they drop", but old age is a knock, knock, knocking at their chamber door.
  
  

• 
  Paul Stanley of KISS fame had to be hauled away by EMS from a concert the other night due to a racing heart. In fact, the heartbeat was off the charts. Meanwhile, not one to upset the fans, Gene Simmons took over on vocals and closed out the show. Obviously Gene wasn't too worried. Think what you want about these guys...while others are getting DUI's, busted for drugs and other stuff, the only sin that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley ever took part in was an addiction to sex AND nope, nothing wrong with that. We wish Paul a speedy recovery...time for a new record too, isn't it?
• OZZY is on the sicklist too. After having trouble walking onstage at his annual "Ozzfest", he was rushed to the local hospital where it was discovered he had a blood clot in his leg which was taken care of right away. He's due to resume headlining the tour as soon as tonight. Sharon Osbourne is keeping this information under wraps. When this happened with Ozzy performing, nobody could tell there was a problem with the guy. He was talking crazy, acting silly, and missed some of the lyrics. At this point, no concertgoers know if Ozzy is drunk or in some kind of pain. Yeah, you get well too Oz!
• If I had a few million to throw away foolishly, I'd write a check to NASA. It sounds like their partying is literally out of this world! I don't know what's going on there however, two shuttles were lost in flight. Maybe a conspiracy theory but, isn't it time to re-open the files on these two things and put mechanical failure aside?
• Here's a lesson for New York Knicks' Eddy Curry. The former Thornwood Thunderbird and Chicago Bull star painted a dark picture of his experience while at his Burr Ridge home the other night. Some burglers managed to bust into his home and tie up him, his wife, and driver with Duck Tape and rope. While all this was going on, one of the suspects went through the house searching for money, jewelry, and other valuables. Something isn't right about this. Details are being kept under lock and key as NBA Investigators try and slice and dice how this happened. This is typical of someone like Eddy who sees a check from the NBA with a lot of zeroes and flashes around all the cash. Congrats Eddy! Maybe when the salesman from ADT alarms goes door to door in your neck of the woods, open up the door and have a listen to his salespitch.

"These two need a whack in the ass and a slap in the face!"

It's a doggone dirty shame that Bing Crosby and Michael Landon are no longer with us. These guys may have come across as two religious people...Afterall, their TV and movie roles always taught us a moral lesson. Truth is, when the day was over, these two "Holy Rollers" would go home and everyone in the house would be left to walk on eggshells. Why? If one of the kids did something wrong, Bing and Michael would take off the belt and beat the hell out of them. That's what Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan need. They just ended their careers. Call it "Career Suicide" or whatever you want, but the only booking these two are going to get from now on is pornos or performing at State Fairs between the goats, cows, and pigs. What's the deal???

• First up is Britney. Her rather bizarre behavior landed her in rehab once already shortly after she shaved her head bald. After an extended stay in rehab, Britney walked away clean. That is, until she recently sat down with a magazine for an interview and photo shoot and was said to be "out of it". In addition to that, Britney demanded buffalo wings before the photo shoot. Wearing a VERY expensive dress, Britney used it as if it were a napkin wiping hands and face all over the front. The interview was said to be so off the wall, they could only save a little bit. Publishers struggled with deciding to publish this stuff however, they decided to move ahead and release it this Friday saying it is a "cry for help". Back to rehab she goes...
• Now, how about this Lindsay Lohan character? It was only a week ago that she turned 21 and went out for her birthday fresh out of rehab for the 2nd time and wearing an ankle bracelet that detects alcohol. Mysteriously, Lohan's ankle bracelet got lost long enough for a Monday night party of booze, crystal meth, and cocaine. So, Lohan turned "21" and is again entering rehab for the 3rd time. Meanwhile, her parents are confused as to how this happened. Hmmm...Bad parenting? Maybe the whole family ought to go to jail!

"Stuck at the top AND giving the BIG wheel a BIG spin"

St. Louie...My home away from home. The Cardinals stink this year as well as the White Sox, I guess my hopes for a World Series between these guys will have to wait until the 22nd Century. For those hoping to visit the new Busch Stadium to see the Cardinals kick ass, sorry, You are stuck with the Gateway Arch. After 9/11, a visit to the Arch resulted in metal detectors and stopped short of having me strip naked with a rubber glove probing my ass for explosives. After hearing about the antics over the weekend in St. Louis, this is one guy who is tickled to death to have both feet on the ground. One of the elevators broke and trapped a bunch of people at the top for close to four hours! It was either wait for the repair or take a walk down the hot and humid stairway to the bottom. As of a few hours ago, the elevator still wasn't repaired. Let's put it this way...The stairwell smells like pee and liquor. Even though I'm afraid of heights I'd gladly sleep at the top until things are back to normal.

How about this Drew Carey character? I admit, his show was funny for a long time and then it went down the crapper. I'll be so bold to say that ABC made a mistake by letting Drew's show go down the tubes. At least it was a sitcom and not a reality show. Since Drew's show got the axe, as well as "Whose Line is it Anyway" and "Green Screen", ABC/Disney was nothing but trouble. So what's next in line for this guy from Cleveland? For those folks who have been sleeping under a rock, Mr. Carey has been named the replacement for Bob Barker on "The Price is Right". I have no further comment other than hell, anyone is better than Rosie!

"Look Out! Number 5 is Arriving Soon!"

***Season 5 is on the way!"

Send your questions, comments and criticism to the address on the right of your screen, and remember to periodically check in for the latest updates. Think of this place as all the wire services in one place. The only thing is, I'm not kissing anyone's ass!

Tammy Faye's trip to heaven: "All systems Go!"

A Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE 4.0 EXCLUSIVE! Let this be a lesson to those who use religion as a way to collect money for their own benefit. When Jim and Tammy Faye Baker got caught by the nuts pocketing money, he went to prison and Tammy got cancer. Too bad ventriloquist Wayland Flowers passed on years ago. "Madame" was retired from Hollywood Squares and the $25,000 Pyramid in the early 1990's. Tammy Faye and Madame are two broads that could have been twins at birth. "Madame" however, was the better looking of the two. So, what to do when you're knocking on death's door? Pay a visit to Larry King Live on CNN. 65lbs with teeth and hair falling out, Larry still managed to grill her a little more. Hey, If I'm breathing my final breaths in this life, I most certainly would NOT end my Legacy or lack there of, on Larry King. I'd be laying in my friggin' bed waiting to die! At least Larry King got a stiffy from talking to half of the former PTL Network. Jim Baker? Where the hell is he?

Toys, Toys, and MORE Toys. A real "Toy Story" without Tim Allen and Tom Hanks.

• 
  
  
  OK folks, let's give it up for a special edition of "TSP WORLDWIDE v. 4.0". Hard to believe we're beginning the slippery slope towards the end of summer. Although there's about a month and a half of having the kids at home, They already saw "Spiderman", "Fantastic Four" and all the Disney computermation films. All that's left is that damn Harry Potter book before the kids move on to opening up fire hydrants and shooting out Mr. Wilson's window with a slingshot. There's the good ol' Wal-Mart. They claim to be a "pure" place to shop with no dirty music or dirty movies but meanwhile they are such a good EOE that forces workers to work for 16 hours and get paid for only eight. Well, tonight I'm taking a look at our local store down the street, and all the shenanigans that go along with it. I will also touch on the future of carnivals in Illiana and why it's time to take a giant pair of hedge clippers to their power lines so they can pack it up and head back to Florida...Well, let's do it.
• Ahhh Yes...Wal-Mart. In the late 80's/early 90's the only way you'd see one is off an Interstate out in the sticks. If you were to push James Earl Jones and Kevin Costner to the side as you make your way through the cornfields, you'll come across a Sam Walton property. I've never seen so many John Deere caps and bib overalls in my life! Then I heard they were expanding to Chicago and knocking down the old "Monkey Wards" in Lansing to build a new store. Pushing all their corporate and legal troubles aside, they've made the news again a few times this week. I stopped in for a few odds and ends and I got started on this rant because of that silly Betty Crocker oven for little girls that is said to either cause 2nd or 3rd degree burns by a child reaching inside, or it may even start on fire. There towards the end of the aisle were a few shelves with this "oven". They should have pulled them off the shelf! I will say this: I never heard of anyone getting 3rd degree burns from a 40 watt bulb...if it hurts, LET GO!
• Also in the store, dolls, action figures and other stuff from years past, to those associated with current movies. What better wayto slip in some other newcomers in between Spiderman and Batman? Well, Moses parted the Red Sea, so he can surely part Spidey and Batman. As of right now, there's only a Jesus and a Moses. They stand as tall as all the other action figures however, these toys are supposed to lure kids away from the other toys that are "unsuitable for kids". Here's my problem...Good idea for some people I guess but, launching a line of TWO toys and nothing else right now, and placing it between WWE and Darth Vader...Well, is that a good thing? Until they develop more stuff, the toymaker ought to consider making Jesus with a Kung Fu grip and Moses with a rocket cycle to jump the Grand Canyon.
• Weirdos, freaks, hippies, crack heads, drunks...Where do you find all this? Not just in Downtown Chicago. Go to a local carnival. Considering there's plenty to pick from. Put on some rubber gloves, a good pair of jeans (So as not to get poked by any needles) and head over to one of those trailers with your lemonade shake-up and funnel cake. The trailers that house the row of clowns where you may spend $25 or more before you finally shoot the water at the clown and bust the balloon before they give you a prize worth about a dime and imported from China. There's also the game with the gun where you shoot at the paper star, the horse racing game, throwing dangerous darts at balloons, posters and maybe people too, and last but not least for the people that will never see Las Vegas, they can put their life savings on a dizzy field mouse running into the closest hole just to get the damn thing over with. The rides? Forget about it! Hard to believe that a 2" screw can cause a big ferris wheel to collapse and go rolling. Bottom Line: greasy foods high in sugar, games that teach sharpshooting with a firearm, as well as gambling on a field mouse...Do teenagers need this crap? The rides are in a class by themselves. I use caution at Six Flags and Disney World. A carnival? Certainly not. Until next time, kick it!