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• Greetings and salutations dear piglets. Because of all the breaking news that has surfaced in the past several days, my one on one exclusive with Anna Nicole Smith has been pushed back. There's bigger fish that need frying, and perhaps some of these fish are going to be roasting on an open fire in the bowels of hell.
• How I met your Mother returns this Monday night to CBS with a new title: How I met your Father. The show will now focus on two men's gay relationship and their struggle to adopt a son ala 1980's My Two Dads on NBC. You see, Actor Neil Patrick Harris decided this weekend to come out of the closet and admit he's homosexual. When he portrayed the young prodiigy on Doogie Howser M.D. nearly 20 years ago, who'd a thunk it that during commercial breaks, the teenage Harris was already checking extras on the show for prostate and testicular cancer. "Bend over, crack a smile, turn your head to the left and cough. Next I'm going to stick a few fingers up your asshole". Now Harris before landing a role on that CBS sitcom, was always a good fit for Made for TV movies where he was always a ladies man and a real honest to God romantic that would show up at the ladies house with a dozen roses , candy, the whole nine yards. I imagine it was pure hell for him as it was for Robert Reed on The Brady Bunch. When Reed was doing a scene where he was to give Florence Henderson a quick peck on the cheek, Reed did as he was told and then ran to the bathroom to get sick! Years ago, Charles Schultz was forced to add Franklin the only black kid in town. Considering they're making new holiday specials, they may as well add a gay kid that stalks Charlie Brown at Valentine's Day. As for Harris, they need to yank him out of that yuppie bar on the show and put him in his own element.
• On the same subject, what's with that Reverand Ted Haggard out in Colorado that like former Senator Foley preached and preached and preached about homosexuality, pornography and drugs being immoral, then they turn around and do the stuff they're so against themselves? I'll tell you why...when you make it a point to talk about the same thing over and over, day after day, pretty soon over time you become numb and the curiosity gets the best of you. Before you know it, you're telling yourself that these things aren't really that bad, but at the same time you stand up in front of an audience and pull a fast one on everybody. This Reverand fella is as slick as they come. Always denying everything and showing off a big smile. OK, he claims he did have a professional relationship with gay man who gave private massages. He also admits to going into a seedy part of town and purchasing a couple "8 Balls" that he never smoked...he bought them, got a change of heart, and threw them in his desk drawer where he forgot all about them. Yeah, right. This cock and bull story has more holes than a slice of Lorraine Swiss, It stinks like it too. It used to be that all the queers were to be found at the forest preserve. In 2006, all you have to do is go to church.
• Here's something Doogie and The Reverand can get for their male friends at Christmas. It's called "The Wonder Jock". It's a pair of briefs for men that when worn looks like you have two grapefruits and a banana stuffed in there. Some women developed this nifty idea as a way to equal the playing field considering men developed the "Wonder Bra" for women. OK sistas, that was what? Ten years ago? Maybe this isn't such a bad idea afterall. A woman and a man wearing these things? That means that when naked, nobody is going to go into shock because both people are liars. Hey, whatever happened to the kleenex and socks that have been used by both sexes to fool the other person for years? Cheaper too!
• Years ago, Mad Magazine had a series of cartoons that lampooned Rocky. This was after Rocky III! The joke was that when the next movie would be made, Stallone would enter the ring with the help of a walker. Little did anyone know that arriving this Christmas is "Yes, Virginia, there IS another Rocky" This one isn't even out yet, and already Stallone is hinting at more, suggesting he's got a lot of ideas. Here's my idea: Quit now. Sly just turned 60 recently. A 60 year old guy winning a championship (and you know it'll end that way...Rocky NEVER loses) is like seeing Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan win a championship title on Monday Night Raw. Meanwhile, Taliah Shire who played Rockhead's wife all these years has also recently turned 60 and thought the idea of reviving this old franchise was silly. They say there's enough stock footage to digitally insert her in important scenes without her having to be there. How about Rock's brother in law Paulie? Oh yes, he's on board. So is Cameron Diaz. They have a lot of ideas left, eh? Well, when the movie studio gets the next script from Stallone and it suggests the big event take place on the International Space Station, that's it! Pull the plug! Moviegoers can postpone Midnight Mass, caroling, and opening presents by a day. This soon to be on DVD flick called simply, Rocky Balboa hits and punches below the belt at a theater near you on December 24th. I quit watching after the one where Rocky fought the Russian. Oh boy, what's the biggest dud to finish the year? Saw, which nobody saw...Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause...or this gem?
• The annoyance of the week award goes to Kanye West. He should be happy. At least it's one more award than what he already has. What a horse's ass this kid is! He's getting more and more crazy like his mentor Diddy. See, besides the annual name change that goes with Sean Combs, he uses MySpace.com to tell people that it's his birthday (which he really did celebrate today and turned 37) and to send him something nice. In addition, he makes it a point everyday to promote another project of his and asks on his site why you think you deserve to be his friend and maybe he'll add you to the back of his list of 10,000 fans. Finally, you can pull up episodes of The Diddy Cam where he'll tell you about his day, how many women he screwed the day before, and he takes the camera into the bathroom with him to explain to women what it's like for a guy to take a piss. Now, gaining some ground on goofy Diddy is Kanye. He's starting out slow however, on the right track as Diddy. He already made a fool of himself at the MTV Music Awards by bitching and moaning about not getting the record of the year. Matter of fact, he did it two years in a row. MTV Europe had their awards the other night and Kanye knew ahead of time what the deal was...he was up for awards for about five or six categories. While he won one award, he sat in the audience steaming that the rest of the show wasn't going his way. He then made his way up on stage twice to try and yank the award from the hands of other winners. He grabbed a mic and cursed the audience for making him come out there for one award. He said it was supposed to be his show that night and he got screwed because people in the U.K. don't appreciate his music enough to give him all the awards because they "don't like niggaz" over there. He cursed a few more times and gave everyone the finger before they went to commercial. Hold onto your hats! With MTV outlets in Canada, Isreal, Australia, and Asia to name a few, if Kanye's music is up for anything, he'd better learn the languages of where he's going so when he say's "F You", the people watching will understand. I want to see a battle of egos in a recording studio with him and Diddy. Someone wouldn't walk out alive. I've got Zyprexa left over for the both of them.