"Dave's New Product Test Lab" is now open...

When it comes to new products, it's often said that kids make the best critics. 2009 begins with quite a few new toys and food products. What I decided to do was quite simply, sit my 3 year old, Arianna down and use her as the measuring stick to determine what things will be a success or a flop. While this is by no means a representation of all pre-schoolers, the one conclusion I can make is that when it comes to your child being fussy at the dinner table, "Chef Boy R Dee's" attempt to sneak vegetables into a can of "Spaghettio's" didn't fool my daughter...she turned it down!

• "25 years later, we're still left puzzled and it ain't over yet!" - Remember that Ruskie named, "Rubik"? He invented that silly cube with all the colors that took the world by storm in the 1980's. If you had the "smartz" and thought math was "fun", between popping pimples and combing your mullet you may have lined up all the colored squares on every side. As soon as the Chinese kids were able to solve it within 10 seconds, Rubik gave us the more difficult "Revenge" as well as the "Pyramid". In a press release from earlier this week, "Rubik" came up with a new puzzle set to debut in August. The description of "Rubik's Sphere" suggests this is one puzzle that may never be solved. I had these games in a junk drawer. They were virtually untouched for years until Arianna found them. While these things keep her busy for ten minutes or so, she's wise to the fact that when all else fails, take the damn thing apart and put it back together with all the colors in the right place. Nobody will know and your kid is all groomed and eager to accept the bragging rights. Arianna gives this toy two stars... Never mind the puzzle and problem solving. It is a ball, minus the bounce of "a "Wham-O".





• "Gensing and Juice" - While there's no excitement in grocery shopping when you're alone, sometimes you have to let the child tag along. The S.O.B.'s stocking the shelves may do their part to strategically place anything with sugar within a "kid's eye view", one aisle that always gets Arianna's attention is the one with the juices and soda. I'll sometimes toss a few cans of Mountain Dew's energy drink "Amp" in the cart. The last thing I would expect to see is a similar product geared towards kids however, this is the latest thing. I'd be willing to bet that there is a room full of people associated with "New Product Development" at Kraft foods who thought this would be a good idea. Chances are, these folks have no children and this is their idea of a practical joke. The last thing Arianna needs is flavored sugar water in a drink box disguised as a "vitamin". Despite all the fancy labeling and colors, I used every trick in the book to drag her to the dairy aisle for milk.


• "Se Habla Espan No No" - "Homeland Security" in the post 9/11 days is said to be improved however, here's proof that someone fell asleep at the switch: Her name is, "Dora" and despite the fact that millions of parents are putting American dollars into her college fund, she still refuses to make herself a U.S. Citizen. Dora and her friends and family have taught our kids how to locate Buenes Ares on a map for years... now she teaches our kids how to count to 10 in Spanish before they can count in English. If I'm to attempt a conversation with my daughter I have to pull out my Spanish translator and that's a shame! Aside from that, throughout her lifetime Dora hasn't aged a year... Kind of like "The Simpsons". Remember when baby Maggie uttered a word 20 years ago? She hasn't made another peep since then. The folks behind Dora's creation have recently decided to add a few years onto her age and perhaps nobody will notice that she is now a "tween". As if being an "illegal alien" wasn't enough, she will now have to deal with everyday common "tween" problems like puberty, pregnancy, and pimples. The last thing I'm about to do is explain who "Tammy the Tampon" is to my child! That's why the new Dora is off limits to my daughter. Besides that, I think Dora's Visa has expired!
  

Jacko's big comeback controversey

"King of Pop", Michael Jackson held a press conference earlier this week to announce his plans for a "comeback" in the U.K. Rumors have been circulating that Michael chose an impersonater to make the announcement, and may have planned to use the person to fool concert-goers into buying tickets to a show that the real Jacko won't be involved in. What do you think? Take the poll to the right and decide if Jacko is really that "Wacko" to pull a stunt like this!

"The Bachelor finale that ABC didn't want you to see!"

There's no such thing as "reality" it would seem...not even in TV Land! ABC's real-life soap opera, "The Bachelor" aired the second night of the Season Finale on Tuesday night to a record audience. Just a few years ago, the show had just about run out of gas. I thought the long running streak of reality based programs were all going to be gone by now as well however, I was wrong. This only goes to show that as long as there are people with potato salad for brains who watch this stuff, it'll keep on coming. Let's face it... there's no script writer in all of Hollywood that could conjur up a crappy storyline like what we see on "The Bachelor". It's gotta be real! Or is it?

Gather a large group of foolish women together in a Los Angeles studio, bring in a guy with a broken and lonely heart, and let the guy start picking 'em out one by one like the team captain picking out a lineup for the high school gym class volleyball game, and watch as the hair pulling, name calling, and cat fighting kicks into high gear as they all make jackasses of themselves while trying to get the dope's attention! What we have here is a bunch of women from across America that have dumped their boyfriends and quit their jobs to fight over a guy. Kinda pathetic, isn't it? The "reality" here is that these scenarios never work out the way they were supposed to. If you're a viewer of a show such as this one, youve probably got high hopes that you'll stumble across a TV Guide article in 25 years about the happy couple. Good Luck! Now, a lot of single women and fans of the show are about ready to hang "Bachelor", Jason Mesnick from a noose because he pretty much flipped a coin in the end to decide on a winner. It was the perfect setup for what ABC was hoping for...a ratings windfall! I hate to be the one to rip open the curtain and reveal the "Wizard" behind it all, but the truth is, everyone involved in this drama was in on the secret. In other words, there were no hearts broken here. Surprisingly, Mesnick was allowed to speak publically about the workings of the show days prior to the final episode. It was a bold move by ABC considering these things are kept top secret. Not to worry. You didn't see the ending as it actually happened.

A visit to the show's website one day last week revealed what really happened. Ladies, get ready... While Mr. Mesnick proposed to one woman, took back the offer, and gave it to someone he kicked off the show weeks before, he didn't end up with either one. As it turned out, he's just a typical guy looking for a little fun. Following the final taping, he realized that none of the women could ever give hime what he wanted, or accept what he had to offer. None except for one: Her name is simply, "Rosa" and she had a flat rate of $150 for 30 minutes. He was on a plane and headed back home to be with his son before the sun went down. He only spoke to Rosa one other time, and that was when she called him to say he stiffed her with a bogus $20 bill. All's well that end's well!

"Three Cheers for Casamir Pulaski Day!"

Today's guest columnist is Norbert Stanislawski, Editor of Warsaw Poland's "Jean Dob're Polski" online news source...

"Polish up your Polish Pride!"
By: Norbert Stanislawski

Polish-Americans are stupid! I call them this bad name because they went to United States and left behind all their humble beginnings! In Poland, we make the most of what little we have and treat an important holiday like Casamir Pulaski Day in the highest regard in the same way we honor Christmas and Easter. In United States, people there are so-so and could care less who the important one was that died amd are just happy to have a day from work to sit and drink beer and watch a Sponge Bobby Square Head on the big satellite dish. Now, I take a few times to remind you where your roots come from by telling you about these famous Poles!

• Q-Tips invented by Leo Gerstenzang, a Polish-Jew in the 1920's. This are a good thing that everyone has in their medicine chest. This idea came to him after he watched the people use whatever they can to stick in the ear to pull out the wax...a finger, hairpin, house key, butter knife or whichever. The first prototype he showed to Josef Johnson, a pharmacist visitng Poland from United States. It was originally a small patch of his hair that he put in his pocket after a haircut at the barber shop. He came home and put this around the end of a toothpick and stuck in his ear. Hard of hearing his whole life, Leo was so surprised to hear again that he passed away a month before he was able to sell the patent to Dr. Johnson. Johnson then took the idea to America to Johnson's other brother Johnny. The rest is what we take for granted today and Leo may get the credit for the invention, his family didn't make a dime!
• "Prozac" anti-depressant, first tested by Polish immigrant in the 1970's. Jan Kilinski was a man who had lots and lots of problems. Uneducated and unemployed, Jan began talking to himself and would sometimes be found sleeping in the vestabule of his church drunk by the priest.. An excorcism was done for him twice to get rid of the demons in his head with no luck. The fact that the church frowned on suicide did not bother Jan. After failed attempts talking to the priest didn't work, he attempted a suicide by jumping out the basement window of a ladyfriend. A Krakow pharmacist gave him the very first prescription for the new "Prozac" which he took. It worked good for him and was considered a miracle medicine but, three hours of being happy was too much for Jan..he hung himself that evening!
• Sports and Entrtainment are no strangers to Poland! Some of the world's best known showmen have come from Poland. Professional Wrestler, Ivan Putski is in the books for his strength. Putski, who has the real last name, Bednarski, enjoyed success in the WWF in the 1970's and was one of the last greats to win an Intercontinental Title before the Vince McMahon took over the business and put in the sex and goofy stories. Ivan was too much of a class act for this company and they let him go. Putski is retired today in United States. Bobby Vinton the "Polish Prince". I can't imagine one person in Poland or America that doesn't occasionally play a Bobby Vinton LP Record. His music has inspired many generations of music artists like Madonna and Bruce Springstein. A protoge of Pat Boone and Paul Anka, Bobby Vinton still belts out the hits to this day and ladies still throw him their underpants onto the stage. While most performers return to their beginning in bars and nightclubs, when not headlining his nightly show in Branson, MO., Bobby entertains sold-out shows at Bingo and church halls and sometimes sports a "Blue Velvet" leisure suit as part of his attire!
• Casamir Pulaski. The General of the Polish Calvary. Although he and his horse originally headed into the Revolutionary War and went 100 miles in the wrong direction, his soldiers eventually were able to re-group and catch up to him where they followed his lead. A true war hero, Pulaski's body as well as the carcass of his trusty steed are buried beneath a towering two foot tall monument near Pennsylvania. I raise a toast to this man and other Poles that we just take for granted way too much!