"Super Sunday: Who gives a rat's ass?"

If there's ever a day where all the weirdo's, nutso's, drunks, freaks and alleged "fans" come out to play, besides New Year's Eve, it would have to be the "Super Bowl". If I were to bet on a "sure thing", it's that the Chicago Bears will not be playing post-season football in an 80 degree climate anytime soon. Considering I don't really give a "rat's ass" about this years game, I will be rooting for the Arizona Cardinals who will likely lose however, anything is better than the Steelers!





Super Bowl Sunday is one football game where like all, is divided into four quarters each fifteen minutes long. Do the math...A one hour game! So why I ask, must this one particular game be stretched out to nearly five hours? It's simple..

• The Food - Mexico has already gotten it's fair share of PR within the first few weeks of 2009. For some reason or another, the "avacado" has risen in popularity and is predicted to enjoy the top honors at this year's Super Bowl parties. One can argue if this shaded dark green/black thing is a fruit or vegetable, but it IS the main ingredient for the beloved guacamole dip! Take the avacado out of the typical appetizer and what you have left is a bland fruit/vegetable with no purpose. Do you eat it like an apple? Do you slice it? Do you sprinkle the thing with salt or sugar? One thing is for sure: Things that are from America have an identity. Maybe if this thing had it's origins in the U.S. like a Ford or a Buick, we'd know what area of the produce aisle to find it?! Sure, you can make the same argument about the "tomato" however, after all these years of debate on what it is, we accept it as fruit and vegetable. Mexico may enjoy fifteen minutes of fame later today but, will be forgotten by tomorrow. Avacados have no connection to the NFL. As a matter of fact, linking it to football is plain silly because what Americans call "football", is actually "soccer" south of the border...
• The "1 second commercial" - Watch for Miller Brewing Company to "cash in" on a new idea here... TiVo the game to see their one second ad for beer. If you happen to yawn, burp, cough, sneeze, or fart, you will miss it. Regardless of how stupid a few spoken words may be, and even if you do happen to miss it, look for whatever is said today to appear on merchandise tomorrow. T-shirts, hats, and key chains to name a few. Brilliant idea? We'll find out soon enough.
• Half-Time Entertainment - When you talk "Patriotism", the first name you'll come across is Bruce Springsteen. I would imagine he'll be cheering for Pittsburgh due to it's hard working, hard living, "coal miner" population. He would have shown up sooner however, Borack Obama wasn't President yet and he didn't have anything worthwhile to promote. There will be lots of hype over his new release, "Working on a Dream". If you enjoy the tunes and wish to "kick it" with The Boss, pull out the charge card afterwards and shell out the ten bucks to download it off iTunes. You may also download this CD absolutely free from a certain website like I did and you'll realize that although he tries hard to get back to his "glory days", as long as his wife is around to contribute ideas for songs, he's just an "Average Joe" with a few radio friendly songs. Either before or after Bruce sings, you can enjoy yet another attempt by a studio to bring 3-D animation to a 2-D television screen. You can get the cheezy red and blue lenses for free at various places and use them again tomorrow for a special episode of "Ed". This will be typical of all previous attempts to make the TV come to life. When watching soething on television with blue and red glasses, you will not see 3-D. You will however, be viewing television with funky colors.
• A LONG game - Finally, let's see how long four quarters 15 minutes each will take to play. All things considered, this will clock in at about five hours from start to finish. It's a good thing that NBC has nothing noteworthy in their Sunday lineup that will be missed. I say again, although I am for an Arizona win, Steelers will end up with the game 20-17. Don't bet on it though!

"Blago's Balls Busted!"

Citizen Blag-oy-a-bitch

Alas, the circus that has surrounded Illinois politics has finally come to an end with the historic impeachment of our Governor and I for one, couldn't be more pleased!

The one thing that "gets my goat" is the change in opinion coming from Illinoisians who had originally damned "Blago" into eternal hell. All of a sudden, a whopping 42% of Illinoisians feel some kind of sympathy for the guy! Nevermind the local news poll votes tallied by text message votes, the Illinois Senate numbers are all that matter as the final vote came to 59-0 in favor of impeachment. So, with "Blago" now a bonafide "citizen", one might wonder what he'll do next as far as work. I'll go on record to suggest that by means of his publicist, Rod is in financially good shape for a while. His public relations campaign will no doubt result in lucrative offers already being discussed, such as: book and movie deals, TV and Radio talk shows, and perhaps a "walk on" couple of minutes at the beginning of Saturday Night Live. When the money finally does stop coming in, it's important to be honest before posting your information on Monster.com. Blago may need your help to make certain that nothing is "taken out of context" as was the case with his audio tapes. In a TSP EXCLUSIVE, we have access to Rod's account and in coming days as the resume gets posted, we hope to break it down and clarify any tarnished information. Draft #1 is already complete and will appear posted this weekend, right here!

"Guantanamo Bay", "A case of The Schlitz", and "Un-TYing a legal mess"

"Stay inside the lines for at least eight years and you're free to go back home". Guantanamo Bay has been the center of controversey since it increased it's population immedietely after the events of 9/11. It's been sort of a purgatory for those once associated with a terrorist organization. Depending on what side of the political fence you're on, this group of the "World's Worst" criminals should stay there forever without a trial or be allowed to return beck home. Depending on who worked there and what the terms were when they left, it is either a place of torture or a carbon copy of the Ritz-Carlton. In any event, President Obama has decided to give the inmates the benefit of the doubt that they've been there long enough and are ready to return to society rehabilitated and lead a life of peace and love. Although it's been shown that many of those recently released have none other than "schmoozed" their way through the system in order to get out and pick up where they left off on their tyrade against America. The majority of the men in prison there have sat through years of therapy and re-programming quite similar to the strategy used to get them involved in terrorism in the first place! Here's the facts as they are...believe you me, it isn't working. The rehabilitation process consists of a box of Crayolas and paper! Let's say for the heck of it, you wake up one morning on the wrong side of the bed and hate America. What to do? In Guantanamo you go into a classroom and sketch all your frustration and anger into a colorful picture! Now, if we as taxpayers are paying for this form of rehabbing, give me a break! On the other hand, closing down the prison as announced isn't all that good of an idea either! Oh boy, when Obama was anxious to take over the helm from George W., even he didn't expect as big a headache as this!

• Getting "Schlitz-faced" on watered down beer and an Arizona win equals a "Super Sunday" in Iraq. God bless the troops. Each and every one of them...SERIOUSLY. They continue their assignment in Iraq and doggone it, deserve a day to get "tanked up" and watch Arizona bop heads with Pittsburgh. The Prez gave the boys the green light to take a few hours off next Sunday and enjoy the finer things that freedom brings us in the United States: Guacamole dip, beer, and HDTV. This is like a scene straight out of Tropic Thunder. Perhaps a blood draw should be in order??!! Afterall, if you're gonna make a big fuss over some beer, ask for something like Sam Adams! I hope the setting in Baghdad next Sunday is tranquil... if there's some sort of massive retalliation against our troops, the majority of the fighting will take place with Mr. Whipple. These guys will be doing their best not to "squeeze the Charmin". Maybe Obama ought to consider sending a shipment to the Taliban to slow the operation down?!
• Give a kid a bowl of Lucky Charms, a Saturday morning and a television set and you're in good shape for a few hours UNTIL the commercials come on. If you have boys at home, you have to deal with the Transformers and Star Wars stuff however, girls are a different story. Every young cutie under the age of 16 seems to have their own "action figure" to add cash to their bank account. Sometimes greedy toy corporations cross the line and try to bend their own Copyrights and Trademarks. That's exactly what happened to the unlucky stiff who worked at Mattel and doodled on his lunch hour to come up with the marketing whores known as, "Bratz". Sure, this guy was supposed to be creating new careers for Barbie however, he made these creations a little smaller and a bit more trashier than their inspiration. While this case went to court and gave the creator immunity and the chance to keep his dolls on the market for another year, another guy has taken the "Bratz" concept one step further and is selling dolls that are in worse shape than the others... "The Ho'ze" action figures come complete with short mini-skirts, see-through tops, track marks on their arms and black eyes and bruises. G.I. Joe can pay for an hour with the chick with no more than a smile and a fix. It should go without saying that the Obama's and the rest of America would be concerned when "TY" ..the manufacturer of the now retired "Beanie Babies" would mark a return to the market with dolls of two little black girls who ny the way, have the same name as the Obama girls! "Sasha" and "Malia" are names that the company thought of out of the blue because well, they sounded good and best represented the dolls. When the Obamas got wind of this they didn't buy it either. Someone however, did. While only a few were manufactured by TY before being threatened with legal action from Prez. Obama, a few have managed to make it to the safe haven known as, "eBay". While these dolls are cute, it infringes on the fact that the girls are just kids who were pushed into the spotlight. Staring at the dolls for a short time, I can say that they resemble characters straight out of Pokeman and that's kinda creepy!

TSP WORLDWIDE Presents: "...The BEST MONTH EVER!!"

Pete the mailman
Change is in the air as 2009 has begun and as this marks the return of this blog, I'd like to take a few moments of your time to reflect on the many events that have taken place between Christmas and today. Indeed, it has been a month of exciting things (for most of us, anyway). First of all, I would be foolish not to mention the unfortunate bad timing of my Christmas gift to my mailman, Pete. Pete had been delivering mail for over a decade however, at the end of Summer he started making mistakes on his route. Around Thanksgiving, Pete had vanished completely and was replaced by a part-timer at the post office. I never asked any questions as to what happened to Pete and then a few days before Christmas I noticed he was back at work and delivering mail again. I generally like to give Pete a little something at Christmas to know how much I appreciate him however, this year instead of the usual monetary gift, I gave him a bottle of Scotch and he was delighted. Unfortunately, when Pete was again off his route the following day, I discovered by accident that Pete's first round of being M.I.A. had been caused by his being in rehab. He was good for a month until I gave him his present! With that being said, I wish Pete my apologies and wish him better luck this second time through the program!

Borack Hussein Obama

Borack was anxious all December long to get a "jump start" on his duties as 44th President of these United States. For many of us, we were a bit confused for a few moments as to "WHO?" the President actually was! When the automakers came to Washington to ask for a bailout and Israel and Palastine started stirring up trouble in the Middle East weeks before he was sworn into office, Obama took a backseat approach and let Bush deal with these things on his own reminding all of us that there's only "One President at a time" That's OK. There's still plenty of mess to go around no matter who is in The White House. Obama rolled into Washington on a train to get re-live the same experience as Abe Lincoln did. In a bit of irony, there was never any mention of the "Underground Railroad"... this one was Amtrak!

The Ghost of Honest Abe

Obama was sworn into office (well, sort of), on Tuesday January, 20th 2009. Because of the Hollywood atmosphere with large crowds and high expectations, the ceremony was botched up however, it wasn't Obama's fault. Regardless, the perfectionist that he hopes to become, he did the whole thing over the next night becoming only the third President to repeat the process. Keeping up with Lincoln's legacy was an important attribute for Obama's journey to Pennsylvania Ave. Obama used Lincoln's very own Bible during his oath which was bookmarked with x-rated jokes from the 1800's that Lincoln had handy in case he needed to soften up a crowd before one of his long, boring, and often historic speeches. If those didn't help do the trick, the tin-type photos of Mary Todd Lincoln in her bloomers that fell out on the floor certainly would have! It is said that the Obama often chats with the ghost of Lincoln and will continue to seek his guidence through these troubled times. Before moving out of his home of the past eight years, George Bush took liberty to take a poke at the light side of Obama by leaving a can of Lincoln Logs placed next to his desk that he can use to play with while pretending to be interested when talking to Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton during a conference call. Despite the pile of ads left behind for consideration of a new limo, it is rumored that Lincoln advised Obama to ditch any Ford products and go with GM. He ended up with an Escalade for transportation.

Airport: 2009
It was impossible to sit through the 24 hour non-stop cable coverage of the Innauguration without a break. Unfortunately, The View ended up getting pre-empted again, this time because of an airline incident in New York when a U.S. Air jet had to make an emergency landing into an icy Hudson River. By some miracle, all passengers on board had survived thanks to the heroic crew and a determined pilot who went beyond the call of duty to make sure everyone was safe. I learned a valuable lesson here as a result: When tragedy strikes anywhere and end in either a positive or negative outcome, NEVER call the ticket counter at a major airport to prank call the person answering the phone... your call will always be traced no matter what!

Crap becomes more clear when seen in DTV

Getting back to important issues at The White House, President Obama already has quite a "dilly of a pickle" on his hands with the upcoming transition to Digital Television. Despite the fact that it's been publicized over and over and over again for the last few years, there are still roughly 15% of the population who have no idea what the significance of February 17th is. Oh yeah, either this small number of folks have been lying in a coma or, they really are THAT stupid?! The government has put a hold on passing out the discount coupons which resemble a credit card, due to the fact that too many people have made attempts to pay their dinner tab at Red Lobster. For the ones that are sort of "with the program" on DTV but still not too certain (like the elderly), this little black box from outer space is causing quite a stir. Your Grandparents may have gone out and cashed in their coupon at Walmart for the box they brought home, but now what? I've had this situation happen to me already with a relative who keeps asking me why the government is making everyone in the U.S. get HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax and all the other filth on cable TV. You can explain it over and over that it's NOT cable and they still don't get it! I'll tell you what... for take advantage of these folks by telling them not only is the DTV converter box for CATV but, the government is going to take an $89.95 monthly service fee from their Social Security check to pay for the service. In this case you may want to suggest they make the check out to you so you can take care of the mess while pocketing the money. You know, after considering this DTV thing and the rotten economy and Recession and blah, blah, blah... maybe Obama ought to consider looking into this as a possibility to help balance the budget and lend a helping hand to Main Street and Wall Street. There you go Mr. President, one problem already solved!