Sick Rockers, Getting Wasted, AND shootin' hoop with Ducktape and rope!

• I start today on a rather "down" note regarding the current obsticales placed in front of Mr. Paul Stanley and Ozzy Osbourne healthwise. Sure, these guys may want to "Rock until they drop", but old age is a knock, knock, knocking at their chamber door.
  
  

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  Paul Stanley of KISS fame had to be hauled away by EMS from a concert the other night due to a racing heart. In fact, the heartbeat was off the charts. Meanwhile, not one to upset the fans, Gene Simmons took over on vocals and closed out the show. Obviously Gene wasn't too worried. Think what you want about these guys...while others are getting DUI's, busted for drugs and other stuff, the only sin that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley ever took part in was an addiction to sex AND nope, nothing wrong with that. We wish Paul a speedy recovery...time for a new record too, isn't it?
• OZZY is on the sicklist too. After having trouble walking onstage at his annual "Ozzfest", he was rushed to the local hospital where it was discovered he had a blood clot in his leg which was taken care of right away. He's due to resume headlining the tour as soon as tonight. Sharon Osbourne is keeping this information under wraps. When this happened with Ozzy performing, nobody could tell there was a problem with the guy. He was talking crazy, acting silly, and missed some of the lyrics. At this point, no concertgoers know if Ozzy is drunk or in some kind of pain. Yeah, you get well too Oz!
• If I had a few million to throw away foolishly, I'd write a check to NASA. It sounds like their partying is literally out of this world! I don't know what's going on there however, two shuttles were lost in flight. Maybe a conspiracy theory but, isn't it time to re-open the files on these two things and put mechanical failure aside?
• Here's a lesson for New York Knicks' Eddy Curry. The former Thornwood Thunderbird and Chicago Bull star painted a dark picture of his experience while at his Burr Ridge home the other night. Some burglers managed to bust into his home and tie up him, his wife, and driver with Duck Tape and rope. While all this was going on, one of the suspects went through the house searching for money, jewelry, and other valuables. Something isn't right about this. Details are being kept under lock and key as NBA Investigators try and slice and dice how this happened. This is typical of someone like Eddy who sees a check from the NBA with a lot of zeroes and flashes around all the cash. Congrats Eddy! Maybe when the salesman from ADT alarms goes door to door in your neck of the woods, open up the door and have a listen to his salespitch.

"These two need a whack in the ass and a slap in the face!"

It's a doggone dirty shame that Bing Crosby and Michael Landon are no longer with us. These guys may have come across as two religious people...Afterall, their TV and movie roles always taught us a moral lesson. Truth is, when the day was over, these two "Holy Rollers" would go home and everyone in the house would be left to walk on eggshells. Why? If one of the kids did something wrong, Bing and Michael would take off the belt and beat the hell out of them. That's what Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan need. They just ended their careers. Call it "Career Suicide" or whatever you want, but the only booking these two are going to get from now on is pornos or performing at State Fairs between the goats, cows, and pigs. What's the deal???

• First up is Britney. Her rather bizarre behavior landed her in rehab once already shortly after she shaved her head bald. After an extended stay in rehab, Britney walked away clean. That is, until she recently sat down with a magazine for an interview and photo shoot and was said to be "out of it". In addition to that, Britney demanded buffalo wings before the photo shoot. Wearing a VERY expensive dress, Britney used it as if it were a napkin wiping hands and face all over the front. The interview was said to be so off the wall, they could only save a little bit. Publishers struggled with deciding to publish this stuff however, they decided to move ahead and release it this Friday saying it is a "cry for help". Back to rehab she goes...
• Now, how about this Lindsay Lohan character? It was only a week ago that she turned 21 and went out for her birthday fresh out of rehab for the 2nd time and wearing an ankle bracelet that detects alcohol. Mysteriously, Lohan's ankle bracelet got lost long enough for a Monday night party of booze, crystal meth, and cocaine. So, Lohan turned "21" and is again entering rehab for the 3rd time. Meanwhile, her parents are confused as to how this happened. Hmmm...Bad parenting? Maybe the whole family ought to go to jail!

"Stuck at the top AND giving the BIG wheel a BIG spin"

St. Louie...My home away from home. The Cardinals stink this year as well as the White Sox, I guess my hopes for a World Series between these guys will have to wait until the 22nd Century. For those hoping to visit the new Busch Stadium to see the Cardinals kick ass, sorry, You are stuck with the Gateway Arch. After 9/11, a visit to the Arch resulted in metal detectors and stopped short of having me strip naked with a rubber glove probing my ass for explosives. After hearing about the antics over the weekend in St. Louis, this is one guy who is tickled to death to have both feet on the ground. One of the elevators broke and trapped a bunch of people at the top for close to four hours! It was either wait for the repair or take a walk down the hot and humid stairway to the bottom. As of a few hours ago, the elevator still wasn't repaired. Let's put it this way...The stairwell smells like pee and liquor. Even though I'm afraid of heights I'd gladly sleep at the top until things are back to normal.

How about this Drew Carey character? I admit, his show was funny for a long time and then it went down the crapper. I'll be so bold to say that ABC made a mistake by letting Drew's show go down the tubes. At least it was a sitcom and not a reality show. Since Drew's show got the axe, as well as "Whose Line is it Anyway" and "Green Screen", ABC/Disney was nothing but trouble. So what's next in line for this guy from Cleveland? For those folks who have been sleeping under a rock, Mr. Carey has been named the replacement for Bob Barker on "The Price is Right". I have no further comment other than hell, anyone is better than Rosie!

"Look Out! Number 5 is Arriving Soon!"

***Season 5 is on the way!"

Send your questions, comments and criticism to the address on the right of your screen, and remember to periodically check in for the latest updates. Think of this place as all the wire services in one place. The only thing is, I'm not kissing anyone's ass!

Tammy Faye's trip to heaven: "All systems Go!"

A Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE 4.0 EXCLUSIVE! Let this be a lesson to those who use religion as a way to collect money for their own benefit. When Jim and Tammy Faye Baker got caught by the nuts pocketing money, he went to prison and Tammy got cancer. Too bad ventriloquist Wayland Flowers passed on years ago. "Madame" was retired from Hollywood Squares and the $25,000 Pyramid in the early 1990's. Tammy Faye and Madame are two broads that could have been twins at birth. "Madame" however, was the better looking of the two. So, what to do when you're knocking on death's door? Pay a visit to Larry King Live on CNN. 65lbs with teeth and hair falling out, Larry still managed to grill her a little more. Hey, If I'm breathing my final breaths in this life, I most certainly would NOT end my Legacy or lack there of, on Larry King. I'd be laying in my friggin' bed waiting to die! At least Larry King got a stiffy from talking to half of the former PTL Network. Jim Baker? Where the hell is he?

Toys, Toys, and MORE Toys. A real "Toy Story" without Tim Allen and Tom Hanks.

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  OK folks, let's give it up for a special edition of "TSP WORLDWIDE v. 4.0". Hard to believe we're beginning the slippery slope towards the end of summer. Although there's about a month and a half of having the kids at home, They already saw "Spiderman", "Fantastic Four" and all the Disney computermation films. All that's left is that damn Harry Potter book before the kids move on to opening up fire hydrants and shooting out Mr. Wilson's window with a slingshot. There's the good ol' Wal-Mart. They claim to be a "pure" place to shop with no dirty music or dirty movies but meanwhile they are such a good EOE that forces workers to work for 16 hours and get paid for only eight. Well, tonight I'm taking a look at our local store down the street, and all the shenanigans that go along with it. I will also touch on the future of carnivals in Illiana and why it's time to take a giant pair of hedge clippers to their power lines so they can pack it up and head back to Florida...Well, let's do it.
• Ahhh Yes...Wal-Mart. In the late 80's/early 90's the only way you'd see one is off an Interstate out in the sticks. If you were to push James Earl Jones and Kevin Costner to the side as you make your way through the cornfields, you'll come across a Sam Walton property. I've never seen so many John Deere caps and bib overalls in my life! Then I heard they were expanding to Chicago and knocking down the old "Monkey Wards" in Lansing to build a new store. Pushing all their corporate and legal troubles aside, they've made the news again a few times this week. I stopped in for a few odds and ends and I got started on this rant because of that silly Betty Crocker oven for little girls that is said to either cause 2nd or 3rd degree burns by a child reaching inside, or it may even start on fire. There towards the end of the aisle were a few shelves with this "oven". They should have pulled them off the shelf! I will say this: I never heard of anyone getting 3rd degree burns from a 40 watt bulb...if it hurts, LET GO!
• Also in the store, dolls, action figures and other stuff from years past, to those associated with current movies. What better wayto slip in some other newcomers in between Spiderman and Batman? Well, Moses parted the Red Sea, so he can surely part Spidey and Batman. As of right now, there's only a Jesus and a Moses. They stand as tall as all the other action figures however, these toys are supposed to lure kids away from the other toys that are "unsuitable for kids". Here's my problem...Good idea for some people I guess but, launching a line of TWO toys and nothing else right now, and placing it between WWE and Darth Vader...Well, is that a good thing? Until they develop more stuff, the toymaker ought to consider making Jesus with a Kung Fu grip and Moses with a rocket cycle to jump the Grand Canyon.
• Weirdos, freaks, hippies, crack heads, drunks...Where do you find all this? Not just in Downtown Chicago. Go to a local carnival. Considering there's plenty to pick from. Put on some rubber gloves, a good pair of jeans (So as not to get poked by any needles) and head over to one of those trailers with your lemonade shake-up and funnel cake. The trailers that house the row of clowns where you may spend $25 or more before you finally shoot the water at the clown and bust the balloon before they give you a prize worth about a dime and imported from China. There's also the game with the gun where you shoot at the paper star, the horse racing game, throwing dangerous darts at balloons, posters and maybe people too, and last but not least for the people that will never see Las Vegas, they can put their life savings on a dizzy field mouse running into the closest hole just to get the damn thing over with. The rides? Forget about it! Hard to believe that a 2" screw can cause a big ferris wheel to collapse and go rolling. Bottom Line: greasy foods high in sugar, games that teach sharpshooting with a firearm, as well as gambling on a field mouse...Do teenagers need this crap? The rides are in a class by themselves. I use caution at Six Flags and Disney World. A carnival? Certainly not. Until next time, kick it!
  
  

"Catholic in Chicago? Here's for you..."

All my eggs fit into one basket today as I take a moment to reflect on a man who looks in the mirror every morning after applying his Brill Creme to the hair and wonders why he was born white. This guy is Catholic Priest Michael Pfleger. If he hasn't done so already, Pfleger is probably scoping out a young, black boy as I write this. I write about this character today because there are white people in his church that are seeking help. Fr. Pfleger shuffles these people to the bottom of the deck because well. us white folk are living high on the hog. If we're poor, it's our own fault because we're not working hard enough. In recent weeks, Pfleger's time has been consumed with marches in and around Chicago protesting the sale of guns. Jesse Jackson walked hand in hand with the Priest as they made their way to the end of Chicago's border in Riverdale and stood in front of the door to prohibit entry and exit from what is a legitimate business for over 40 years. According to these yahoo's facts and figures, over half of homicides in America can be traced back to this Riverdale gun shop. These guys aren't doing ANY community service...in fact, this is like Mt. St. Helens. There's smoke and a lot of gurgling and burping and something big is going to erupt soon. Jackson needs to zip his lip and relocate to another Country. There was only one Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus didn't appoint Jackson to fill his shoes. Pfleger? Either be a Priest, or be a policeman. Don't do both. I know, if he had his way, Father Pfleger would give the black community in Chicago a good job making $200,000 a year and a home worth a half a million dollars with a Lexus and Mercedes in the driveway. For us white folks, the very white Fr. Pfleger wants to put the screws to us by giving more perks to blacks than they already have, and make life for whites miserable. Is this a Christian thing to do? We're all supposed to be on an even level in Society. Hatred is just the beginning of trouble. Remember Hitler. Don't worry Michael and Jesse, they're not putting your Nobel Peace Prizes together anytime soon.

"24 Hours of cursing is a good thing for the atmosphere!"

Since when did Al Gore become concert promoter? I'm talking about that silly 24 hour concert around the globe this weekend. Boy, how times have changed! In the mid 1980's, Al's wife Tipper was the person behind saying songs with nasty lyrics shouldn't be allowed to be sold...most importantly to kids. As a result, we got that "Parental Advisory" sticker. B.S.? Yes! Music or no music, profanity hovers over everyone like a swarm of angry bees. That sticker of Tipper's needs to go. For those who are involved in ANY genre of music, I say if the lyrics are that bad, let the Artists and Record Labels work together and slap a sticker on the thing...Among the performers that evening, The Police may have been the most hyped but didn't deliver. Two other acts come to mind and it made me seek out a calendar to see what year it is. First up to bat, Roger Waters of Pink Floyd fame. The group dissolved after 1982's "The Final Cut". Since then, Roger has made three albums of original material. The rest? How many bricks are in "The Wall"? Roger claims rights to the late 70's classic and now, we're going brick by brick and country to country releasing "The Wall: Live". There's about seven thus far. No more Roger! I thought there was a "Pink Floyd" reunion coming. What happened?

Here's another one that gets my goat...Garth Brooks. What the @#$% is this guys deal? Who's he trying to hoodwink? Retired and returned to work five times already. I thought Michael Jordan was wishy washy...this is NUTS! Word of advice Garth, next time you "retire", don't make it public. You're just making yourself look more and more like a jackass.

As for Gore, sure everyone enjoyed the concert BUT, what's up with the money? I thought I was watching a friggin' telethon. They said to donate "As much money as you can". Gee Al, you won an Oscar for that movie of yours and having done all that research, you should know that money won't fix anything. The hole in the ozone layer can't be plugged up with checks,money orders, and credit cards. Not only that, but am I to believe that all these entertainers flew half-way around the world for the hell of it? Someone had to foot the bill. The last person you want to represent "Live Earth" showed up. Dave Matthews. He bragged about riding his tour bus which is a diesel/ethanol hybrid. Kudos to you Dave...too bad you didn't mention the "incident" two years ago when you dumped your shitter from the bus into the Chicago River. Was that organic or full of fiber? That's about the time I switched to Aquafina for water.

Despite all that nonsense, Al Gore went against the grain with this big concert thing. As a result, He's probably sleeping on the couch for a few weeks. All sorts of shenanigans were sewn together in the end

"From 7:00 pm to 7-11...a promotion only around a dozen stores will be a part of"

You know, the release of an upcoming movie is supposed to get you anxious, riled up, and pulling out your hair in anticipation of it's opening night. It's no secret as I pointed out yesterday that weeks ahead of time, places of business try to get the whole thing kickstarted. Now, it's one thing to place a toy from Shrek in with your food order at McDonald's, but what 7-11 did is "leaps and bounds" ahead of everyone else despite the fact this is only going on in 12 Nationwide stores. I'm talking about the upcoming release of "The Simpsons" movie. After being on the air for so many years entertaining us all, going back to the early to mid 90's, creator Matt Grohenig spoke with reporters from newspapers, magazines, and television about any possibility of an animated feature length film. At that time, he suggested the possibility that somewhere down the line when ideas are running out and he gets burned out, a movie would possibly made to tie-up loose ends and close the book on a successful run. Latest I heard, "The Simpsons" aren't going anyplace at least for a few more years. It may be good, but let's not call this a "franchise" on the big screen yet. It's no "Toy Story, or Shrek". Regardless of the fact, the folks at the movie studio thought it would be a perfect match to team 7-11 and the movie together. (By the way, the only one around here is on 63rd Street in Chicago). You'll find all the signs changed to "Kwick-E-Mart" and once inside, you'll find inflatables of some of Springfield's most famous that you can pose for a picture with. No more Slurpees either...They're Squishees now and the flavor of the month is raspberry-vanilla. They've also got Krusty's Cereal and Buzz Soda. There is not however, any Duff Beer. It is available in Europe though. It sounds like a pretty good marketing gimmick but, there's a real person that was used as a model for Apu at a 7-11 in California many years ago. If this thing is a success, this guy will be showing up at FOX with his Attorneys with his hand out. They better pay him off now or the real 7-11 signs will be going up before the movie opens and this could very well be the big finish for "The Simpsons".

"Some times the leftovers are better the next day"

Here's some things that just didn't make the cut this week but found a new home here this weekend. First of all, that poor S.O.B. Bill Gates is crying into his $100 bills over all the hoopla over Apple's new iPhone. Not everyone is pleased with the new phone...it does everything you can think of. For the $600 price tag, that thing ought to come with a prostitute too...males and females both! Anyway, crowds winding around stores for three or four days nearly cased Gates a nervous breakdown. It was reported that at 1:30 AM on Saturday, Bill was stopped by a Washington State trooper. Not for drugs, alcohol, or a broken headlight. He was in fact talking on his cellphone which is illegal in the Seattle area to do while driving. To make matters worse, Gates was calling Microsoft Tech Patrol for help with some snags while using Windows Vista on his pc. One other thing: He was making the call using an iPhone...Go figure?!

Are The Transformers really money in the bank in 2007...Corporations seem to think so. Borrowing an idea from NASCAR racing, all sorts of sponsors are in line to put their name with the name of the movie. I've heard cast members go on television to hype this and they go way over the top saying, "this is the BEST movie ever." and "Roll up all six Star Wars movies into one, and it still won't come close!" Yeah, OK. This is where I put in my two cents and say, let's not put the cart before the horse. There's a list of movies that have tanked after much less hyp than this. Hmmm...How about "Shrek The Third"? Exactly. All these people want their name on a poster or commercial and pony up a lot of bucks. By Christmas, this movie won't still be showing at the Cineplex...it will have already been on DVD since the beginning of August. These places blame all their price hikes on fuel and everything else. There's no need to pay a million dollars for you to tie-in a promotion with a movie. We all know who you are! "Fuel"? My rootie pahtootie. If all these sponsors are dropped, some of your shopping worries would be over because prices would drop.

Finally, here's something you may or may not want to hear, but at least give it a shot. Bananas are returning as the filling for Hostess Twinkies to replace, or possibly sit side by side with the creme filled one at the end of your grocery aisle. When the sponge cake first made it's debut before World War II, the creamy filling was in fact banana. Because importing and exporting stopped during that time, bananas were hard to come by and cream was chosen as the replacement. Now, even though the people at Hostess surely know that World War II ended 60 years ago, it took them that long to realize that bananas are readily available in 2007. Meanwhile, the idiots over there have discontinued my favorite: A Chocodile, a twinkie dunked in chocolate because they wanted to go back to bananas...nothing some Prozac couldn't fix.

"A Tribute to Diana": Red Tape, Tight Security, and Mass Confusion!

(AP) -LONDON- That's right gang. After leaving Chicago nearly two weeks ago and landing safely hours later in London, we were finally allowed to exit the aircraft about two hours ago due to security. One thing we all discovered is that after two weeks of not being able to get out of your seat other than the toilet, the whole plane starts to smell like ass and ampits. I'm not complaining...such a thing is necessary after the car bombing incidents this past week. As they say, or William and Harry say, "The show must go on". Now, this Birthday tribute to the late Princess Diana has been in the works for two years by the pair of Prince's who were counting on the whole world to show up. Luckily, for those who chose not to make it, VH-1 offers this daylong event for free today. I'm OK with the fact that I can't make it to the concert in person. Matter of fact, I won't even watch in on cable. There's going to be a lot of monkey business going on over there that will make viewers of the concert scratch their heads. Prince Charles told his two boys that wants nothing to do with the event, and that even includes him attending. Either he's got issues or his new wife won't let him go...who knows? Secondly, if terrorist threats overshadow the concert itself, Prince William is prepared to stay home and watch it on closed circuit television while a lookalike gets swung into place. Former N'Syncer and current homosexual Lance Bass has been brushing up on his British accent and is supposedly just waiting for the phone in his London Hotel room to ring. There's still one person left should something not work out well: The secret weapon is former name, symbol and currently back to name, Prince. Tickets were printed that say Prince will be there and that's it. It may be any one of the three. Finally, fans may once again be misleading if people go there to see Fergie. In another gray area on the ticket, there's no mention of Fergie the Black Eyed Pea leaving speculation open that what you'll see will actually be Sarah Ferguson, the original Fergie who now hawks Weight Watchers and credits them for her big weight loss. Duran Duran is the headliner for the show and they plan on doing material from their most recent release, "Arena" from 1984 which includes "Union of the Snake". For up to the minute coverage, don't look here...turn on CNN or VH-1. I've got better things to do today.