Bin Laden, crocodiles, and WHOOPING IT UP in zero gravity!

• Here we go. Another night and even more stupidity for your enjoyment! OSAMA BIN LADEN'S link to the WHITE HOUSE! Well, I don't know about the validity of the story BUT, my top-notch staff has said that the man responsible for 9/11 has been seen wandering the streets of America. Six Flags Magic Mountain has confessed that as recently as three weeks ago, Bin Laden was enjoying himself on roller coasters and water rides. Later on, he hit the Midway throwing darts and throwing baseballs at milk bottles. He even won a stuffed Tweety Bird. While all these shenannigans were going on, President Bush and Vice-President Cheney were using everything they could to find the guy. I say that Bin Laden sat down for Thanksgiving dinner last year with Mr. President. Nothing but speculation about the guys wherabouts...Is he dead or alive??!! ALIVE! Look for the guy with the white towel around his head, is 7 feet tall, and has a long beard! If modern technology allows satellites in space to snap a photo of your license plates, how could this big jackass still be on the loose?!
• Holy Crikey! You know, I'm a news junkie who just can't get enough and is always quick to pick up the mistakes. 99% of the time I'll let the station know that they screwed up. Today? Nah! I'm giving WBBM CBS 2 in Chicago the weekend off however, I'll share their mistake from Saturday morning's newscast. A story on crocodiles was reported. Seems as though these pesky crocs are a menace to golfers in Florida. In a brief clip, a golfer picked up his club and threatened to whack the crocodile in the head! HERE'S THE PROBLEM...there's no crocodiles running loose in North America. We only have alligators (The Florida Gators). A couple dozen people behind the controls of a #3 market? The only crocodiles around here are in ZOO's!
• Lush in Space. What's up with this female astronaut passing out twice during a press conference? In all the years of the space program, nobody has ever passed out. They blame it on "zero-gravity"? Not Quite. You see, this woman brought along a bottle of Jack Daniel's and stashed it in the glove compartment of the shuttle. Now, I don't know what exactly was the final outcome of this "test" in detail BUT, everyone agrees that one swig of Jack Daniel's in zero-gravity makes you unable to stand up when you get back!