The New America: "A tale of two Presidents"

Who is running the USA right now? This isn't a trick question dear friends. History has been revamped without anyone but the folks in D.C. knowing anything about it. If there was an Amendment to the U.S. Constitution on the ballot on Election Day 2008 to suggest having more than one President at once, perhaps I missed it. Well, that's what we have here until January 20th 2009. While Barack Obama is anxious to "hit the ground running", let us not forget about the people who put us in this sticky situation... moving day for him arrives on that big day in January with a U-Haul back to Texas! Now, I got to thinking about this gray area we're in for the next fifty something days. We've heard virtually nothing from President Bush as of late however, on the other hand, President Obama has managed to interrupt the news at noon every single day this week. All things considered. should anything get worse than it already is within the next few weeks, who should take the blame? One of these two Presidents need to take a step back and decide on who is running the show. That's the big question for this week. Check out the poll to the right and vote on which President should take the heat for anything that may pop up for the next month or so!

"And the winner is...Dr. Pepper??"

Call me crazy or maybe, Dick Clark needs to go back to the "School of Rock" to get up to speed on what's going on in the music world.. Sure, there once was a time when The Rolling Stones, The Jackson 5, Marvin Gaye and The Beatles all joined together in the "Top 40" music charts and got along in perfect harmony however, in 2008 it seems Mr. Clark is unaware of music genres... a very good reason to seriously take a look at Clark's alternative version of The Grammys otherwise known as the American Music Awards. Last night's show on ABC was a mismatch of the talented and talentless. I made it through 30 minutes before moving on to football although, I made sure to periodically check in to see what was going on. Here's some random blurbs compiled in a brief way in case you happened to miss the show.

• The Jimmy Kimmel approach - When Jimmy Kimmel was given an hour for his own talk show more than six years ago, he didn't know what he was getting himself into. The guy is funny however gets no respect from ABC/Disney. Whenever somthing isn't working quite right, the network brings in Kimmel to rescue the evening. The guy must either have a heart of gold, or a head filled with stupidity. While he's bailed out the network on several occasions like the AMA's, a looming threat of replacing his show with Jay Leno in 2009 is constantly hanging over his head. This guy doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Sunday night's show was a disaster and critics were quick to point out that Kimmel was the host. So what? The man behind the curtain who called all the shots was none other than Dick Clark. I knew I was in trouble as soon as I heard the contenders in the category of "Male Rock Artist of the Year" which included Kid Rock, Kanye West, Chris Brown and Jay Z. Putting Kid Rock aside, since when are these other guys considered "Rock N' Rollers"? What about AC/DC and Metallica among others? With that kind of logic happening, I'm shocked that those two weren't put in the category of Country.
• Stone Temple Pilots...are they still a group or not? When singer Scott Weiland left rehab for the 25th time last year, he left "clean and sober" and wiped the slate clean however, when all was said and done, he managed to get himself kicked out of the 1990's award winning group STP because of his drug habits. A few years later, Weiland joined forces with former Guns N' Roses axeman, Slash for a group called, "Velvet Revolver". After two CD's, Slash and the group kicked him out too. At the beginning of this year, Weiland made peace with STP and rejoined them for a limited concert tour that happened to swing through Chicago. They were doing new material and rumoured to be working on a new album. So, what happened? I guess all bets are off with the guy because he just released a solo CD and was invited to introduce pop0star, Pink. Weiland, who was clearly out of it came to the podium to add a bit of humor by inviting viewers to watch Pink perform her song, "Sober". Weiland will appear on Kimmel's late night show this week. PLEASE, don't try and tell me that his intro was somehow part of a script. This guy has serious troubles and should perhaps start making friends with Dr. Drew Pinsky.
• Be on your best behavior at all times...Jesus is your number one critic and he's watching! Give him the props he deserves! Thinking about it now, maybe I should print this post out and send it to Jesus. He was the Executive Producer of the AMA's and deserves both the credit and complaints. Every winner of the evening that I happened to see thanked Jesus for everything that took place. It's hard to imagine however I guess possible, that Jesus put all of his prayers and requests aside for three hours to give Dick Clark a helping hand. "...And on the 7th Day, He rested" and I hope that was the case. Perhaps someone was walking through the theatre pretending to be Jesus however, I doubt the "real" Jesus had time to book the talent. While everyone was in a rush to thank Him for their award, the sorry excuses for stage performances and the crazy backsatge antics of drinking and drugging and 16 year old girls like Miley Cyrus running around with in a tight dress with her boobs falling out went on without a hitch. Hey, don't thank Jesus. If anything, don't mention him. He's ashamed of you and quite frankly, I think he had other priorities that evening other than a lame award show!
• The free bottle of Dr. Pepper factor - The former pharmacist and defector from the Coca-Cola company who came up with the formula for a new soft drink was clearly the BIG winner on Sunday. With the release of their 17 year old project coming to an end, Guns N' Roses and Dr. Pepper promised to deliver on their guarantee every American will get a free 20 oz. bottle of pop by printing a special coupon off of their website. Not a good idea. Their website crashed for the whole day due to high demand and if you were lucky enough to get through, you were given an 800 number to call. Problem is, dialing that number would result in an "All circuits are busy" recording. Feeling the heat, Dr. Pepper extended the offer to a 48 hour time limit however, that still wasn't long enough. Many folks (including myself) couldn't get through and there may be a few reasons why...1) They didn't do the math otherwise, they would have known that 48 hours wasn't enough time to register every person in America. 2) The economy is so bad that people like me would spend 48 hours hitting "redial" on the phone in order to get a 20 oz. bottle of pop, and 3) If they ever make an announcement like that again, it won't be for at least ANOTHER 17 years.

The bottom line? Even though I never got my free soda, at least it distracted me long enough to turn off a stupid AMA award show and a so-so football game. I suppose I did win something in the end.

"The Start of Something BIG"

Be the hit of your Thanksgiving meal... Dear friends, as we journey into another holiday season, it has become tradition to post some family recipes (most of which were originated at SIU Carbondale after the bars closed!). Thanksgiving is that time of year when we take time to observe all the mishaps and misfortunes that life has dealt us. This is the first in a series of recipes that will be posted during the holidays. Gobble Gobble!

"Happy Birthday Arianna"

Today's post is fully dedicated to my daughter, Arianna. We enjoyed her special day!

Happy Birthday #3 Peanut!

Love always, Daddy

"Oprah Snags Her Mystery Man!"

"Mr. Man" chatted with Oprah, "Mr. Man's" coat was featured on Style Network, and I got the next best thing, a bit of Oprah's snot stain who managed to speak with me briefly today about moving from a quiet life to an "S List" Celebrity. Like Madonna and Cher, "Stanley" prefers to be known simply by his first name.

The Squealing Pig: How do you feel about being tossed into the spotlight?
Stanley: It's a bit of a shock really. I've been hanging around in Oprah's nasal passages for a while now. I was always hoping to make a big splash when I came out...I guess I did
TSP: Who was the guy in front of Oprah and what's your relationship with him?
Stan: Relationship??? You do realize I'm just a snot (laughs)! Seriously, I don't know the man. I was peeking through Oprah's nostril all evening and it seemed like the right moment to make myself known.
TSP: How was the coat?
Stan: Very comfortable. Soft and warm. After hanging out there an entire night, I came to the conclusion that it was about a 50/50 blend of cotton and polyester.
TSP: How was the big rally on election night?
Stan: Historic! Obama is such a great speaker and he's gonna be a good President.
TSP: Have you had a chance to meet him?
Stan: Gosh no! A large amount of family were able to see him up close at previous events. Unfortunately, they were wiped out before I came along. It was a bacterial germocide. Most of my family were targets from an over the counter cold medicine. They did leave behind clues though. Unfortunately, I can't go back home ever again.
TSP: Any future plans?
Stan: I don't know. I'm going through an identity crisis and searching for my roots. Ever since Oprah began her TV show years ago, my family has been picked off one by one. I'm working out an agreement with Kleenex and will be doing a Kleenex signing all next week in Chicago area bathrooms.
TSP: Thanks Stan, and God Bless You!
Stan: Oh... I get it. Funny!

"An annual Thanksgiving tradition"

The results are already coming in... It's been a tradition for nearly five years! I come up with a stupid question, comment, or suggestion...send it out, and see what kind of answers I get from Food Network, Jones Soda and other television chefs. Letters and responses will be posted soon!

"The Quick Wrap of a BIG night in Chicago!"

Well folks, after nearly two years of being whacked over the head with promises and hope for a better future, it all came to a conclusion last night in Chicago with the election of Sen. Obama as our next President. With only a few days left to go before Monday's ad campaign for 2012 begins. Here's some observations from last night's coverage of the historical event on ABC News. Congrats to both gentlemen on a good race. To say things weren't interesting would be an understatement!

• The "Pros and Cons" of appearing on Saturday Night Live - Since the very beginning, NBC's classic SNL has been the perfect conduit for making fun of the knuckleheads in Washington, DC. That's where Al Franken comes in. He was writing sketches for SNL when Gilda Radner, John Belushi and Bill Murray were the main attraction. Al made a mistake when he distanced himself from co-writer Tom Davis and left the show to focus on political humor. He did OK for a while until he took it one step further and actually got serious about it. Serious enough to form a talk radio network with a staff of comedians that have issues... and then when that went belly up. Franken decided to run for Senate in Minnesota. Although voting went on as planned without trouble, Franklen is bitter that he lost and is demanding a recount because doggone it, "He's good enough, smart enough, and people like him" Note that Mr. Al was the first to point out voting mishaps. There's a;ways one in the bunch! On the other hand, Mc Cain graciously accepted his loss, took it like a man, and is proud to have made his several appearances on the show this year. So, impressed was Lorne Michaels with Mc Cain's dry humor, they will be adding him as co-anchor to Seth Meyers on "Weekend Update". Sarah Palin has a week off before heading to New York for the taping of "Victoria's Secret Christmas". No word on how she'll participate...all you can do is hope!
• Was Oprah way too happy to be in Grant Park or was she drunk? There's only been a small number of people that happened to hear Oprah say some silly things in between all of the crying she was doing. Even though Kleenex had nothing to do with it, she alone helped raise the stock in Proctor and Gamble! Matter of fact, they're still mopping up the mess! An emotionally wrecked Oprah spoke to ABC and talked about how important the day was to her. "Everyone in the world put their differences aside and we all joined together to see this dream through. The last time I saw such unity was on 9/11!" She's half right except the ticker tape on that day was being blown out the windows of the buildings by fire, not being tossed up into the air like it were a parade for the Chicago Cubs finally winning a World Series. A poor choice of words Oprah! Ms. Winfrey told the media that she had to kick it into high gear to get to the polls before closing time due to her charity work at a drug and alcohol rehab center just the other side of the street. "The drunks, drug addicts, and myself...we all realized our vote was important. I took all of them with me to the polls!" Thankfully, when it was all over and the final numbers came in making it clear Obama won, there was a large enough gap between the two candidates that I was able to sleep knowing that Obama didn't win just because of a few drunks and drug addicts!
• Now they tell us! Some of the big names in show business were present in Chicago for the rally. The big shocker was Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and family were wandering around Grant Park the whole evening. This wasn't mentioned by anyone until Wednesday morning. It seems as though they were "incognito" for starters however, those that were in the know failed to mention this to anyone due to fear that all the cameras and satellite trucks would make a 90 degree turn AWAY from Obama and steal his thunder. Oh, give me a break already! One guy who was eager to greet reporters was Director Spike Lee who later confessed he was out for a walk in the park when he stumbled across the big event. His real reason for being here was not to cheer for Obama but rather, someone gave him seats for center court at The Bulls game. Whew!
  

Election Day Opinions: Everybody has one. I should have known that as soon as I turned on the news during breakfast that I shouldn't have expected anything more than I got. Gone were the usual homicides, fatal car accidents and stories about grizzly bears walking into Best Buys in Colorado. Nope. You see, today will hopefully end with a new President and perhaps we can all get a rest from the barrage of political ads and related things that keep The Daily Show on Comedy Central in business. I saw the 200 or so satellite news trucks parked in Grant Park here in Chicago today. Half the City is under high security and many people get the day off too. All the big news channels started the day following Sen. Obama's trip through the polling place. Not only did he make his vote a family affair with bringing along the kids for help (Is that legal?), he showed all of Cjicago the ease of electronic voting. They say that it should take about 20 minutes to do however, by the time Obama was done consulting his kids after every vote and hammed it up for cameras with the obligatory hugs and kisses for the family, he clocked in at a little over an hour from start to finish. There was also a record turnout at his polling place from friends and neighbors who turned out not to vote but, remind him that they are supporting him anyway. Yes, that's right! If you were a Fox reporter, would you set aside time to chat with a lady crying her eyes out and calling this the "Most important day in HISTORY" and then admits to the world that she didn't even bother to register to vote?! You can rest assure that there's a alot more people like her in the area that didn't bother to register but are showing their support anyway... like he really needs it. Shame on Fox for not only putting this lady on TV, but didn't even bother to ask how she's going to show support without voting!

• "EZ Muhnee in Advertising 101" - Advertising is a tricky business and it doesn't matter in what format it's presented. Celebrity endorsements have long been used however, the majority of those involved find hawking a product here in America is often embarresing so they offer their services to other parts of the world. The ones that try and make a few bucks by showing their faces tied with a product always make me wonder how anyone is supposed to believe that they use these things in real life. We'll never know if Seinfeld has an AMEX card or shops with Bill Gates however, that's easier to believe than the growing number of hip-hop stars popping up on late night television.

1. Old Spice- They're trying sooo hard to update this classic namesake from it's old image of "Grandpa's cheap after shave" into something the kids think is hip. They've tried over the years like many others, to rename all the old products with names that jump out at you to get your attention. They can call it "High Energy", "Red Hot" or "Thunder". Let's face it though, it's still, "Granpa's cheap after shave" no matter what you want to call it. I'm sure that L.L. Cool J never leaves the house without a splash! After all, if Cool J uses it, why buy that expensive stuff? This is only $3 a gallon and it must work!
2. Vitamin Water- Let's be honest. When you read the label of this popular bottled water, you'll see that it's full of anti-oxidents, vitamins and other things that flush a person's system out and make you feel refreshed and full of energy! When you keep that in mind, who better to have plug the product than hardcore/gangsta,hip-hop/rapper, "50 Cent"? Don't get the wrong idea. He does have a long rap sheet for all kinds of illegal stuff. If you load up your body with weed, crack, or whatever tonight, have a bottle of Vitamin Water before work, and get singled out for a random drug test, all the water you drank will NOT make the drug test a "negative". "50 Cent" got together with the manufacturers and was so impressed that he purchased a big portion of the company. Still, I'm willing to bet that a concert of his would find Vitamin Water to be missing from the scene. Even the studies have shown that there's about a 99% chance that this stuff is tap water with a pinch of artificial flavoring and colors. I'd imagine though, if this would be a good remedy to fix all of a person's ailments, "50 Cent" may be the correct choice for any further research.

"Final thoughts before you cast your vote tomorrow!"

• You bet your ass, and your future! With only hours to go before we go out and vote for the next guy to take over this mess, we're down to the wire as far as this campaign goes. If you're like me, after two years of all this hoopla, I've had more than my fill to last a lifetime of mudslinging and putting words that candidates speak under a microscope. Let's face it, there's been an awful lot of time, effort, and money spent by both of the candidates. It all comes to an end tonight on ESPN during half-time of Monday Night Football. Tonight's game as I learned today, is more important than NFL statistics. People will be watching the game in large volumes (which makes me wonder why MNF got pushed to cable anyway). It seems that the Washington Redskins have the power to predict who will win tomorrow's election. How anyone was able to come up with the facts on this must have lots of free time. With the exception of 2004, a Redskin's victory and in this case, a pro-Obama roster's win may tell us who will be President-Elect after the clock stops. Ooh! A tough game to call, but I suspect Washington would have won regardless. You can bet on that. In a somewhat similar situation of seeing ahead into the future, I would suggest that this weekend's upcoming contest between the Chicago Bears and undefeated Tennessee Titans will be a blowout. The Bears have a tough time winning against a last place team and win by way of luck. In this case, look for the Bears to win over the Titans with a field goal.
• No need to print out a phony coupon for these freebies! Ok, if you voted early like I did, you won't be able to take advantage of several offers being made for tomorrow only. And that's a shame because I'm always looking for an easy way out rather than prepare a meal for myself. If you vote and get a sticker that says so, wear it all day long and hop in the car. Sure, these places are all in trouble financially and are struggling to stay afloat however, they put the effects of a global recession on the back burner to thank you for voting. Start the day by going to the polls and then if you can find one still in business, visit Starbucks, flash your "I voted" sticker and get a free coffee. Drink it slow though, you may be on the road awhile trying to find the next stop which is Krispy Kreme Donuts. They are giving away a donut to everyone who votes. Got plans for dinner? Go to Outback Steakhouse, flash your sticker and they'll give you one of their House Sirloins with your choice of potato for free!!! OK, I must admit, the last offer doesn't exist. If you think you're getting a steak dinner just for voting, you'll simply just be making a fool of yourself. Anyway, the coffee and donuts offers are legit. If that's the only reason you may have to get up early tomorrow, so be it. I'm sticking to my morning cup of tea.

"As seen on TV" A mid-weekend summary.

Filed in the category of "Dearly Departed Television Shows ...Attempting to Rise from the Ashes", two former evening dramas were mentioned as possibly coming back. What the heck, if you were in puberty during the first run of "90210"m now your kids are able to go through all the same drama thanks to the new version on The CW. I guess people somewhere find revisiting the past a pleasure which is why, thanks to good ratings, it's only fitting that "Melrose Place" comes back too. Don't worry kids, it's a done deal and casting begins soon. At this rate, by the end of next year all of Aaron Spellings "90210" spin-offs including "The Heights" and "Models, Inc" will be back too! Why? Beacause they were so darn good the first time around! But seriously, they were so memorable I had to find the names of the last two shows I mention here on Google. Here's another one that was pretty good at the time before scheduling and contract problems got in the way. "The West Wing" was a staple on Thursday nights for a few years and would have made it longer if not for the ten storylines happening at once. As this show did it's fictional take on events and people in the White House, it was realized that Martin Sheen's role as President would eventually run out of time. Before the show slipped into oblivion, two new candidates were sparring for top spot to replace Sheen. They were Alan "I'm as boring as hell" Alda, and Jimmy "I need the work" Smits. This week it was reported that the Smit's character was the creation of a writer on the show who has now come clean to say the storyline involving Smits was created after observing Borack Obama's rise in politics. Is this a good thing to admit to the world now? True, Smits' character went on to be the first minority President however, after only several episodes with Smits in the Oval Office, the show was gone due to lack of interest. Now, some cable network is attempting to bring this back to television... who knows? All I can say is that for Obama's sake, let's hope he isn't booted out of office in a month like Smits was!

• "Hank Hill and the gang are losing their homes" It seems Fox never learned their lesson with what they did twice to "Family Guy". Twice given the boot and given a third chance to bounce back to be one of the most successful Fox shows ever, the shoe is on the other foot now with word that "King of the Hill" is being dropped. Never mind that Hank Hill lived a life nearly fifteen years long. Mike Judge is the man who put an abrupt end to the popular MTV cartoon, "Beavis and Butthead" to put 100% effort into what turned out to be a cult hit. The truth is, I don't think we've seen the last of Hank. He will probably turn up on Cartoon Network to regenerate the buzz and who knows, by then maybe Fox will realize that they ought to keep things like this around. With the exception of a few shows that can ve counted on one hand, what has Fox done for anyone lately?
• "Atomically Correct" is a new label for something we do twice a year, just like my sex life. Wait! Not a good analogy! Actually, the dumb ritual of turning the clocks back an hour happens again before you hit the sheets for the night. Because the world is ssynchronized to the infamous "Atomic Clock" that needs to be calibrated by a millisecond once every 50 years, it's important that you turn back the clocks exactly one hour and .8832345 seconds. If not done exactly this way, you will be twisting the time/space continuum and may alter past events in time to repeat themselves over and over in and endless loop for eternity. Take this task serious and oh yeah, throw a new Duracell into the smoke alarm.