Two weeks gone AND a little catching up to do...

• A nice almost two week vacation had to be cut a little bit short. Here's what's been going on while I've been gone. Call it food for thought or simply call it bitchin'. A brief summary of current events begins with Lionel Richie's adopted daughter getting that nasty DUI and having her photo posted for all to see on The Smoking Gun's website. Hey, I'm sure you saw it on CNN, the local news, and Jay Leno or Letterman. Just like former gal pal Paris Hilton, Nicole has a driving record similar to Paris'. This only goes to show you, you can dye your hait black BUT you're still a dizzy blonde underneath! Booze, Oxycontin and marijuana are a good combination for driving the wrong way on a highway. If there's another season of The Simple Life on E!, Paris and Nicole both should be sent to a women's prison. Poor Lionel...new record out and Oprah couldn't even give it CPR. That's your girl Buddy-Boy.
• First Michael Richards and now Rosie. I make no bones about it...I hate Rosie and I'm not fond of The View either but, in both cases I ask, "What in the heck tarnation is this world coming to?" A month after an "outburst", TV's former Kramer is STILL apologizing for his remarks at a comedy club. At least he found two new buddies to "chill" with. I'd be mad at myself for that slip of the lip. He now has Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton on his back like two blood thirsty mosquito's on a hot August night. As for Rosie, fortune cookie say, "No make fun a Chinese people...if not for China, there would be no TV sets and no one to be able to watch The View" . With crap like this, no wonder everything is going to hell in a handbasket!
• Britney Spears and Rapper/Rassler K-Fed. At this point, nobody is certain who was the first one out to pack their suitcase BUT, the first things to cash in their chips were Britney's panties. White Trash is still around. She's the proof. Hey, you go out in public with no underwear, at least groom yourself or do a little prep for the evening. The underwear will most likely debut on eBay before year's end.
• Evel Knievel has had just about every bone in his body broken while doing his crazy stunts in the 1970's. He had a lot of neat toys out too! It came to an end with his failed attempt at jumping over Snake River in the Grand Canyon. Now, the old timer is facing one last challenge before riding that stunt cycle in the sky: Kanye West. Kanye not only used a variation of Knievel's name in a 2005 music video, he also lampoons the old man's last attempt to get in the record books with Snake River. Knievel is mad as hell and dammit, he's earned that right and I don't blame him one bit. With all he's done in his life, who would want to go to the grave attached to Kanye West's name?
• Taco Bell. Oh yeah! Just like Denny's and White Castle, Taco Bell's best customers are those folks who stagger into the store before closing time looking for a quick snack. As if it wasn't bad enough already, Taco Bell wants to make damn sure that if the booze don't get you sick, a stuffed enchillada loaded with green onions will. Take your pick...do you want the "Hershey Squirts" or a couple of days worth of vomiting? That little dog that used to be in their commercials? Spontaneous cumbustion. His sudden death has been pinned to a grilled stuffed burrito WITH GREEN ONIONS! Here's a message for their employees: If you make a doodie, please wash your hands with soap and warm water before you handle my dinner, ya jerks!
• World's oldest woman dies at 116. She taught History most of her life. Her first recollection of teaching was with a young George Washington who she boasted, "passed the class with flying colors" due to the fact that at the time, history books were only a two page pamphlet. African Americans should thank this lady. Hours before The Emancipation Proclomation was written, lovely Estelle pleasured Abraham Lincoln and according to her, knew a hell of a lot more tricks than that pollyanna Mary Todd. Though she couldn't come up with exact facts and figures, it's her estimate that her offspring if standing side by side, would stretch to Saturn and back. Ironically, Nicole Richie's race may forever be a mystery as she was related in some way to this lady...go figure.

Peter "Frank Barone" Boyle. 1933-2006

Thanks for all the laughs. You'll be missed!

The 2006 Squealing Pig Last Minute Gift Guide...

...Drops this week. Come back and visit.

Thanks for pinning everything on me, Michael!

Let the truth be told right here and now...Michael Richards, you;re a funny guy. Matter of fact, I've followed your career for over 25 years WAY before Seinfeld. Now, I don't know what credibility Tom Dreeson, Sinbad, and Tim Allen have, but swallow your pride. Listen to me: take your Lithium and Zoloft and chill...I'm on the crap myself, so I know what I'm talking about...Hey bud, you picked a bad time to flip out...Seinfeld Season 7 was released on Tuesday. I guess no Regis and Kelley for you. Don't worry, I'm getting #7 regardless of your reckless antics.

Nobody's safe but...

It's Thanksgiving. Everyone needs a break today. Not to worry but, 24 hours from now I'll have a new victim to dump on. Meanwhile, enjoy your Turkey Day,

Kramer in The Great Frame Up

It was about a decade ago where Michael Richard's Seinfeld character Kramer got caught in the crosshairs of Newman after Kramer got caught in a tanning booth and later got covered with butter, oregeno and garlic. Today, Michael Richards is being fried in the oil of racism after giving an audience a bunch of crap. Hey, they started the whole damn thing. I'll not come to Richard's defense...Hey, he F*&%$d up. Bad timing? Nahh. Today is when all hell broke loose and call it a Koo-inky-dink, but Season 7 of Seinfeld was released today. Remaining cast members will hit Regis and Kelly without Kramer. Two hypothetical questions: Michael Richards, unless you do really crappy in Vegas, you don't need the money, Secondly, you spoke your mind with that audience. I'd do it too, If this ordeal puts a scarlett letter on him, that ain't right, I don't think I ever heard an "I'm Sorry" from Mel Gibson...Case closed.

In The Spotlight: "Let's switch Thanksgiving with Christmas..or did we do it already?"

Kudos to places like Wal-Mart for shoving their holiday commercials and advertising down our throats long before we put threw out the rotten pumpkins from Halloween. Wal-Mart was in a silly of a pickle this year about what to have their door greeters say to incoming customers at their stores. Everyone was real religious for about six months after 9/11 and then it fizzled out. Now, for some reason not too long after that, people

weren't too happy to hear "Merry Christmas" at the stores. Wal-Mart and Target did away with it and instead had employees say, "Happy Holidays". Now in 2006 it seems we're going back to the original way of doing things. For those who disagree, let's put Saddam, George W. and Jesus at the front doors of Target and Wal-Mart. Saddam should at least offer us a "Merry Christmas". If not for him being caught and sentenced to dangling on a rope soon, we may be in a lot more trouble than we are already. President Bush ought to greet customers at a store in his Texas hometown...why? When his term in office is over he may be working at Wal-Mart as a greeter. Besides, he's got nothing to do right now anyway besides fight with all the new Democrats that were just elected. Finally, Jesus should appear at every department or discount store at the same time. He can probably do it too! Jesus should stand in the doorway to scold everyone that walks in. Someone needs to remind the people what Christmas really is all about. Yep. Some 2000 and something years ago there were no Targets or Wal-Marts, no Elmo TMX's , Playstations or Nintendos. There certainly wasn't an eBay where people can resell these items for $20,000 each just to make some kid happy on Christmas!

Stay away from the Kool-Aid at the wedding, and O.J.? Should have had a V-8!

• It's over and done! The "TopKat" wedding has taken place in Italy with no problems. Katie Holmes (or is it Cruise now?) wore a lovely white wedding dress while Top Cat wore his trademark brown vest and hat. Like Oprah, Top Cat's pals Pixie and Dixie were given the brush off. One person that was able to make it was Kirstie Alley who brought longtime friend, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. No Jenny Craig on the menu at this affair...it's pasta, pasta, pasta, and lot's of garlic bread. There's just too many darn jokes to make about the whole thing and quite frankly, I can't top the stuff heard at the beginning of late night talk shows anyway. All I will say is "Remember Jonestown?" 1970's cult leader Jim Jones had a clever way of manipulating people in his flock. By continuously brainwashing the men, women, and children that he was Jesus, he convinced everyone at his service to enjoy a cold glass of Kool-Aid in the hot California sun. Within a few moments everyone was pushing up daisies, including him. Nothing wrong with the Kool-Aid itself, but the fact that he put cyanide into the batch made all the difference. With all the celebs out there for the event and most of them not being Scientologists, some might not be coming back. Let's put it this way: Those annoying Jahovah's Witnesses that pound on your door every weekend at 8:00 in the morning, move to the next house within five minutes of your closing the blinds and curtains. Anyway, July sounds like a good month for the TomKat split. You heard it here first.
• Everyone loves O.J. except for Geraldo who's hopping mad that the TV Network he works for is going to allow O.J. Simpson to go on FOX TV to talk about and demonstrate ways he would have killed his wife over ten years ago . Not an admission of guilt by any means, Simpson just wants to set the record straight that the murders were done without too much planning. This is great. Not only is he a free man, but now he's going to show us how to kill someone the "right" way! Geraldo's ranting on his syndicated tv show which is produced by FOX may cost him his job. Well, for once I can say I agree with Mr. Geraldo. Giving a killer like O.J. and hour's worth of television time is nuts, Then again, in the mid 1980's Geraldo was doing cartwheels down his office hallway when he managed to snag an interview with Charles Manson. Well, O.J. speaking on television may result in yet another trial for O.J. He's killed his wife and her boyfriend, killed his Attorney Johnny Cockring recently after the overworked rundown man died of a heart attack, and now he's got Geraldo's blood pressure through the roof. By the time this is over, Geraldo may either be off the TV, or six feet under. Will someone give Geraldo round the clock support and wire him up to an EKG machine? Maybe some Prozac wouldn't hurt either. One way or another, it'll be over soon...for someone.

"In The Spotlight: Baby Arie's 1st Birthday!"

"Spiderman, Britney and Rumsfeld: The products of an angry planet"

• 
  
  
• "Spiderman, Spiderman, acts exactly like every man"- You know, this Elmo TMX doll is like gold this Christmastime. People are fist fighting, stabbing and stealing the things from Wal-Mart. Heck , someone actually stole a whole semi trailer full of the things from a Wal-Mart in California that they're still looking for. Like toys of Christmas' past, things that talk and make noise become victims of practical jokers . Already this year with Elmo, several micro-chips were switched to make Elmo curse like a sailor. Even so, good luck trying to find one. If you do, get a second mortgage on your house way ahead of time. Enter the cheap knockoff known as the "Itsy Bitsy Spiderman". Someone decided to take the crime fighting superhero and behave like Elmo. Same thing, but not Elmo. Who wants to see Spiderman sing and dance around like a sissy anyway? Spidey doesn't even want to do it!
  

For only $20 you can find this thing virtually anywhere and everywhere compared to his pal Elmo however, someone has already messed around with Spidey's insides too. Much to a woman's surprise who bought one and put it aside for a Christmas gift, Spidey started talking one night and was saying things that are normally spoken on a 900 number chat line. They believe some prankster at the factory may be behind this. So now, you may not find these things readily available either as they are being pulled off shelves for inspection. Hmmm? A joke, or a conspiracy?

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline? There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said? These two were at a "Mexican Standoff" anyway both personally and professionally. K-Fed's debut CD released on Halloween has thus far sold an astonishing 5,000 copies. One Eminem is enough...we don't need two! Britney hasn't been on her two feet for nearly two years. The Country Bumpkin' has been laying on her back in bed while her mentor Madonna keeps moving ahead. K-Fed was like an anchor around her neck. Here's the advice Brit: Close up your legs for business and hit the studio. K-Fed: Forget the musical career. I'd say quit trying to wrestle John Cena in the WWE however, because you suck at even that too, there's a good chance you might get hurt for real. If not for the kids of yours Britney, you could come back and we'll pick up where we left off...on second thought...Nah!

One week later and my, how things have chinged in Washington. Less than 7 days ago, President Bush was still coming to the Defense of Secretary of Defense Donal Rumsfeld. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Now today, Bush had a press conference to tell the world that he an Rummy agreed that their relationship isn't working. C'mon, get real! Did Rumsfeld even have anything to say about this? Rumor has it thatbefore signing with San Diego, former Cubs Manager Dusty Baker was approached by President Bush who hinted that the war in Iraq needs to head in a new direction. Missed, will be Rummy's wit and sense of humor. He found a silver lining in every cloud. Rummy even made us chuckle when the twin towers were still smoking. He's already signed a contract with MSNBC where except for Keith Oberman and Chris Matthews, he'll be a news anchor for 14 hours everyday.

All this stuff is going on at a time where the complexion of the Universe is rapidly changing during this week. Planet Mercury is crossing directly through the path of the Sun. This last happened three years ago. This time however, the magnetic force of the sun and the closeness of Mercury is more critical. It is feared that as soon as Monday evening, Mercury will be sucked into the center of the Sun in an explosion that will be seen on Earth as simply a solar flare. Such an event had been predicted for hundreds of years as the planets inch closer to the big star. That will leave Venus as the only buffer between us and the Sun. It is expected that our planet will suffer the same fate Astronomers say, on April 13th 2021. Rock On!

"In The Spotlight: Judy Baar Topinka, Candidate for Illinois Gov."

"Judy Baar, what the hell were you really thinking?!" Ms. Topinka who's been campaigning for Illinois Gov. for over a year has been nothing but a thorn in the side of current Gov. Blagoyavich. For his part, he hasn't been too kind to his female Republican counterpart either. Absent from what could have been a good triple threat match was the "Green" party. You see, nobody cares about them anyway! While yesterday was the last day for everyone to take to the streets of Chicago and shake hands with people getting off the trains and kissing babies, Topinka set up shop near Wrigley Field to meet and greet the Cubs fans. The first mistake was using a sports team to reel in votes. Not only that, but during 2005 her and her family made it no secret that as long as it seemed The White Sox were destined for The World Series, they were going to support the South Siders all the way. Since Sprinfield is a hop, skip, and a jump away from St. Louis, maybe it's time to put on a Cardinals hat and support the new World Champs?! Things really took a turn for the worst however, when she spoke to a crowd in front of Chicago's landmark ballpark yesterday. She said that she stands in front of Wrigley Field because Gov. Blagoyovich spent more time there watching baseball games than working on issues at his office. "He spent so much time inside there watching games, they should have hired him after they fired Dusty Baker", she said. In a final blow, she suggested that he and The Cubs share a common thread: They're both losers. While both funny and true, perhaps not too smart!

"Anna Nicole says a few words...kind of"

Anna Nicole Smith: An enigma wrapped in a riddle however, we were lucky enough to have a telephone interview with her last week well before she spoke to The Insider and Entertainment Tonight. We were allowed a few minutes to speak with her while our call was under supervision. For what it's worth, she's a confused broad drifting aimlessly like a ghost ship in the ocean. We yanked Anna away from rehab in a California detox center where she also suffers from pneumonia at the moment.

• Squealing Pig- Hello Anna, Thanks for taking the time to speak to us.
• Anna- (laughing) Huh?
• SP- Sorry about the loss of your son. You feel a little guilty that it was your fault as he was already on Xanax and rifled through your purse and stumbled upon methoanphedamines? You know those two don't mix well.
• A- (laughing and slurring) Hey, we never did drugs together. I would do 'em and then five minutes later he would. (laughs) You see, that's not together.
• SP- Do you think that it was appropriate for you to take an underage kid to The Islands where drinking and drugging go hand in hand and the authorities turn the other cheek?
• A- (laughing uncontrollably)
• SP- Hello? you still there?
• A- Who's this I'm talking to again?
• SP- The Squealing Pig. We're a Blog.
• A- (laughing) That's a funny word ain't it? Blog, Blog, Blog, Hee Hee(more laughing)
• SP- We know you have a new baby. What do you make of the reports that you weredrinking and smoking crack during your pregnancy?
• A-(Angrily) That's bulls***! I would never do that. I just took Vicadin and speed. The tabloids paint me to be a rotten person.
• SP- OK Anna, what's the deal with making Howard K. Stern your life partner rather than marrying the guy? Afterall, he says he's the Father of your baby.
• A- Well, Howard is a real sweetheart and I enjoy listening to his radio show. I think Robin and Artie and Baba Booey are funny to. I thought He'd be a great Dad.
• SP- You do realize that I'm referring to your Manager Howard K Stern and not the other Howard Stern on the radio right?
• A- You mean I've got two now? How'd that happen?
• SP- It was all over the press. You're with Howard K. Stern!
• A-(laughing hysterically) You mean I married my Manager? (laughs) I figured Howard just put on the long-haired wig at the office. No kidding?
• SP- Going back to your late son, what caused him to spiral out of control at the end? And was Trimspa unknowingly feeding his drug habit?
• A- Oh no! Trimspa saved me. I was on dope and fat and posing nude for Playboy. No, if anything, he had to do like every other man in my life and sleep with me to get my money. I taught him everything he knew when it came to pleasing a woman. The people that don't get it or criticize me are just old fussy duddies.
• SP- What's ahead for your future
• A- (laughing) well, now that I'm a hot piece of ass, I want to make an XXXX video with Pam Anderson. I want four "X's" because just getting three you may as well just watch a Disney movie (laughs).

At this point, the interview came to an abrupt end by Anna's case worker. I think she's making progress!

Pork Barrel Politics can be a good thing...

Vote early.

Vote often.

Vote Squealing Pig for Congress!

paid for by the commitee to elect the squealing pig to congress

SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL

• Greetings and salutations dear piglets. Because of all the breaking news that has surfaced in the past several days, my one on one exclusive with Anna Nicole Smith has been pushed back. There's bigger fish that need frying, and perhaps some of these fish are going to be roasting on an open fire in the bowels of hell.
• How I met your Mother returns this Monday night to CBS with a new title: How I met your Father. The show will now focus on two men's gay relationship and their struggle to adopt a son ala 1980's My Two Dads on NBC. You see, Actor Neil Patrick Harris decided this weekend to come out of the closet and admit he's homosexual. When he portrayed the young prodiigy on Doogie Howser M.D. nearly 20 years ago, who'd a thunk it that during commercial breaks, the teenage Harris was already checking extras on the show for prostate and testicular cancer. "Bend over, crack a smile, turn your head to the left and cough. Next I'm going to stick a few fingers up your asshole". Now Harris before landing a role on that CBS sitcom, was always a good fit for Made for TV movies where he was always a ladies man and a real honest to God romantic that would show up at the ladies house with a dozen roses , candy, the whole nine yards. I imagine it was pure hell for him as it was for Robert Reed on The Brady Bunch. When Reed was doing a scene where he was to give Florence Henderson a quick peck on the cheek, Reed did as he was told and then ran to the bathroom to get sick! Years ago, Charles Schultz was forced to add Franklin the only black kid in town. Considering they're making new holiday specials, they may as well add a gay kid that stalks Charlie Brown at Valentine's Day. As for Harris, they need to yank him out of that yuppie bar on the show and put him in his own element.
• On the same subject, what's with that Reverand Ted Haggard out in Colorado that like former Senator Foley preached and preached and preached about homosexuality, pornography and drugs being immoral, then they turn around and do the stuff they're so against themselves? I'll tell you why...when you make it a point to talk about the same thing over and over, day after day, pretty soon over time you become numb and the curiosity gets the best of you. Before you know it, you're telling yourself that these things aren't really that bad, but at the same time you stand up in front of an audience and pull a fast one on everybody. This Reverand fella is as slick as they come. Always denying everything and showing off a big smile. OK, he claims he did have a professional relationship with gay man who gave private massages. He also admits to going into a seedy part of town and purchasing a couple "8 Balls" that he never smoked...he bought them, got a change of heart, and threw them in his desk drawer where he forgot all about them. Yeah, right. This cock and bull story has more holes than a slice of Lorraine Swiss, It stinks like it too. It used to be that all the queers were to be found at the forest preserve. In 2006, all you have to do is go to church.
• Here's something Doogie and The Reverand can get for their male friends at Christmas. It's called "The Wonder Jock". It's a pair of briefs for men that when worn looks like you have two grapefruits and a banana stuffed in there. Some women developed this nifty idea as a way to equal the playing field considering men developed the "Wonder Bra" for women. OK sistas, that was what? Ten years ago? Maybe this isn't such a bad idea afterall. A woman and a man wearing these things? That means that when naked, nobody is going to go into shock because both people are liars. Hey, whatever happened to the kleenex and socks that have been used by both sexes to fool the other person for years? Cheaper too!
• Years ago, Mad Magazine had a series of cartoons that lampooned Rocky. This was after Rocky III! The joke was that when the next movie would be made, Stallone would enter the ring with the help of a walker. Little did anyone know that arriving this Christmas is "Yes, Virginia, there IS another Rocky" This one isn't even out yet, and already Stallone is hinting at more, suggesting he's got a lot of ideas. Here's my idea: Quit now. Sly just turned 60 recently. A 60 year old guy winning a championship (and you know it'll end that way...Rocky NEVER loses) is like seeing Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan win a championship title on Monday Night Raw. Meanwhile, Taliah Shire who played Rockhead's wife all these years has also recently turned 60 and thought the idea of reviving this old franchise was silly. They say there's enough stock footage to digitally insert her in important scenes without her having to be there. How about Rock's brother in law Paulie? Oh yes, he's on board. So is Cameron Diaz. They have a lot of ideas left, eh? Well, when the movie studio gets the next script from Stallone and it suggests the big event take place on the International Space Station, that's it! Pull the plug! Moviegoers can postpone Midnight Mass, caroling, and opening presents by a day. This soon to be on DVD flick called simply, Rocky Balboa hits and punches below the belt at a theater near you on December 24th. I quit watching after the one where Rocky fought the Russian. Oh boy, what's the biggest dud to finish the year? Saw, which nobody saw...Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause...or this gem?
• The annoyance of the week award goes to Kanye West. He should be happy. At least it's one more award than what he already has. What a horse's ass this kid is! He's getting more and more crazy like his mentor Diddy. See, besides the annual name change that goes with Sean Combs, he uses MySpace.com to tell people that it's his birthday (which he really did celebrate today and turned 37) and to send him something nice. In addition, he makes it a point everyday to promote another project of his and asks on his site why you think you deserve to be his friend and maybe he'll add you to the back of his list of 10,000 fans. Finally, you can pull up episodes of The Diddy Cam where he'll tell you about his day, how many women he screwed the day before, and he takes the camera into the bathroom with him to explain to women what it's like for a guy to take a piss. Now, gaining some ground on goofy Diddy is Kanye. He's starting out slow however, on the right track as Diddy. He already made a fool of himself at the MTV Music Awards by bitching and moaning about not getting the record of the year. Matter of fact, he did it two years in a row. MTV Europe had their awards the other night and Kanye knew ahead of time what the deal was...he was up for awards for about five or six categories. While he won one award, he sat in the audience steaming that the rest of the show wasn't going his way. He then made his way up on stage twice to try and yank the award from the hands of other winners. He grabbed a mic and cursed the audience for making him come out there for one award. He said it was supposed to be his show that night and he got screwed because people in the U.K. don't appreciate his music enough to give him all the awards because they "don't like niggaz" over there. He cursed a few more times and gave everyone the finger before they went to commercial. Hold onto your hats! With MTV outlets in Canada, Isreal, Australia, and Asia to name a few, if Kanye's music is up for anything, he'd better learn the languages of where he's going so when he say's "F You", the people watching will understand. I want to see a battle of egos in a recording studio with him and Diddy. Someone wouldn't walk out alive. I've got Zyprexa left over for the both of them.

**Coming Tomorrow**

Anna Nicole Smith's One on One No Holds Barred Conversation with The Squealing Pig. We'll pull her out of rehab, get her dressed, and ask some questions!

In the spotlight today: The 2006 World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals!

If you like The Cubs, you hate these guys. If you like The Sox, you probably like that these guys made dopes of The Cubs yet again. OK, they've won pennants many times under Tony LaRussa but now they've done it again 24 years later in a "Brand Spankin' New" Bush Stadium. All that was missing was the late Jack Buck up in the booth doing PBP. Sorry, his kid Joe isn't the same. Harry Carey is probably looking down and smiling too. Before he came to Chicago to work for The Sox and The Cubs, he was an announcer for for The Cardinals. In Fantasy Baseball in my head, I want The Sox and The Cards in the World Series a year from now. I'd be happy no matter who won. Go Cards!

"Andy who? Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry!", "Koombuya U2",amd "Going a little too far!"

• Happy Friday to one and all! I've taken the afternoon off from stalking Hillary Duff and her boyfriend to dig up the scoop on today's Really Big Entertainment News! So, let's get right to it.
• Ever hear the saying, "Srew me once, shame on you...srew me twice, shame on me"? Cashing his chips in almost five years to the day of his return to the original line-up of British Pop Group Duran Duran, guitarist Andy Taylor has stormed out of the group again and he left PISSED! Oh yeah, history DOES repeat itself...this is proof. After leaving the group in the mid 1980's at the bands peak of popularity, Mr. Taylor got a bit of an ego and convinced himself that Duran Duran would implode without him in it. In a way, he was right. Not long after he left, others did too. A few would return and leave over the next few years that followed. Clearly, the groups "revolving door policy" prevented them from finding a record label and they went on hiatus...kind of. They ended up doing County Fairs and Bah Mitzvahs. Around the end of the 90's they tried again and had a hit record with "Come Undone". I even got to see them at an invitation only performance at U.S. Cellular Field taped for a VH-1 special. Where was Andy Taylor during this time? At home doing the math with the numbers he got from his one and only solo record which I purchased as a cutout from Best Buy for a buck. So bad it was, if not for feeling too silly, I'd have taken the damn thing back for a refund. Taylor wanted to go "Rockin' and Rolling" on his CD that I admit to still owning. Dressed in leather with sunglasses and slicked back hair, it was Bono way before Bono. Imagine Bono singing Billy Idol and that's what you get with "Thunder" (p.s. the Japs loved it). All was forgiven after awhile and he rejoined. Now, he's at it again. As the group is midway through recording a new CD produced by Justin Timberlake and Rod Stewart, he's out again and mad that the group outvoted him on his suggestion that they go rock. So, he took his ball and went home, but not before insisting that his guitar playing get lifted from the finished tracks. Look for his next project in a cutout bin at a Best Buy near you soon. I think it's safe to say that in future Trivial Pursuits, the only Andy Taylor questions in the game will be involving the Sheriff of Mayberry!
• "It's a Beautiful Day" - A good U2 song from a few years back is taking on a new life along with the rest of their music. They're not going to be used in a credit card commercial, or an ad for Volkswagon. Nope, if you want to hear Bono, Edge, and the others perform live,
  
  
• 
  you won't get to see them HOWEVER, scope out an Epescipol church and take to the front row...it's free. Apparently, they're taking drastic measures in the church to try and get the young people to come to services on Sundays. They claim that the music of U2 is "spiritual, uplifting, and religious because Bono never curses and likes to write songs which point out areas considered political and historical milestones". Wow! Did these guys know what they were doing their whole career? Jesus has these guys on his iPod and gave the church a thumbs up and seal of approval?! Supposedly, their music can be heard in churches all around the U.S. and Canada. I think it's a good idea but, what's up next, Josef Islam (formerly Cat Stevens from the 1970's)? His songs were spiritual too. "Peace Train", "Wild World" and others. How about "Dear God" by XTC? You know, I call being an Episcipalean the same as being Catholic. To compare the two is like comparing Miller Genuine Draft to Miller Lite...basically the same thing but being an Episcopal has 50% less guilt than Catholics. Meanwhile, in the Catholic Church, we'll never get past the music already there. Adding lyrics to the music of Bach and Beethoven. If it ever crosses the line soon, I think Pope Benedict should start out slowly. Maybe begin with showtunes like Fiddler on the Roof or Cats. In any case, I think it'll be a while before we hear an Ozzy tune upon our exiting the church after mass.
• Finally, some thoughts on Nicole Ritchie. She always played second fiddle to Paris Hilton, they had a fight, and yadda yadda yadda, it came to an end a couple months ago. Now, I truly do feel sorry for Lionel's adopted daughter despite the fact that she's been on drugs and has appeared nude in some very naughty photos doing naughty things to herself. Fact is, when Nicole burst onto the scene a few years ago with Paris on The Surreal Life, standing next to Paris made the gruesome twosome look like Laurel and Hardy. Jokes and gossip in the tabloids were calling the kid "fattie Ritchie". So, after hanging up the phone with the one Olsen twin, it was time to starve and that she did. Now some 75 lbs later, she eats again like a horse but doesn't gain any weight. It's almost like Stephen King's Thinner on DVD where a fat guy gets cursed to where he can't get a reading on his digital scale. Now Nicole is hospitalized as some of the best Dieticians money can buy are stumped with this one. All I have to say is this. Making it clean as I can, Who ever suggested that oral sex was ever in one of the four food groups? Good luck there Nikki. I'll send some White Castle's out to California for you!
  
  

"Halloween Havoc", "Who's crazier, Madonna or Oprah?", and a bar of Irish Spring for Rush's filthy mouth"

• "Holy Cripes! It's the Great Potato Charlie Brown!" -Here's an interesting little bit of information taken from the news that you can put to good use for bar bets or an ice-breaker with someone you just met at Chili's. The morning news stations like to have their college interns look up trivia questions that they display and then make you wait until the end of the show for the answer (FOX entices viewers to phone in a text message or call a 900 number that's two bucks a pop). The other day the question was asked about the origins of Halloween and what was originally used as decorations other than pumpkins. I had to stick around for the answer just for the heck of it. So they say, Halloween was meant to be a silly day of non-stop shenanigans and pranks and was originated in Ireland before going through a number of changes upon arriving here. For whatever reason you see, pumpkins can't grow there so they used eggplants and potatos. These things can grow in Ireland's soil...why not a pumpkin? What's so special? Anyway, I think the person that looked up this "factoid" was pulling a fast one on the newsteam. Only goes to show you that these people don't read what they're going to say ahead of time before they go on the air. How in the hell does one "carve" a potato or eggplant? If this is possible, I put this story in with the guy that puts passages from The Bible on the head of a pin and send it off to the Ripley's museum.
• Dammit! "She's made up her mind and she's keeping the baby" - In a classic "One hand washes the other" scenario, I guess Madonna owed Oprah a big favor for something for appearing via satellite from Africa a few days this week. Madonna is now a trend setter. Angelina Jolie doesn't count because she's cautious about who she talks to. If you're white and have the bucks, go to a third world country and pick yourself up a little black kid preferably ill or starving to death, and the more diseases the better. HIV is always a guarantee to get the kid off the lot and into your home today. So, Madonna didn't choose to talk about this with a reputable newsperson such as Barbara Walters. Instead she picked the hooting and hollering animals/women that make up Oprah's audience. Madonna doesn't need a baby at 48 years old. She's looking tired and worn out and has that awful British accent which was done better by Mike Meyer's in Austin Powers. So, the kid's pappy didn't know what this was all about. He got hoodwinked. Stepping off her private jet, this guy thought she would take care of the boy, get some meat on his bones, and send him to Harvard one day so he can go back home. He had no idea who Madonna was except for the fact that she had a suitcase full of Euro's. Before carting the kid off she gave the shaken man the entire catalogue of her CD's. He took them and scratched his head in confusion. It was a nice gift for someone who doesn't know what music is, who Madonna is, what a stereo and CD player are, or what a CD is! Hell, this guy hopes for a rainy day so he can put out a bucket to collect rainwater to drink and she thinks he's going to load up her songs into his iPod. She told Oprah that she's going to take good care of the boy and Oprah and her audience yelled, screamed, applauded, and cried like babies because of Madonna's heart of gold. Oprah is always so touched and full of emotion over stories like this that it makes me sick! I want to know why Oprah just wants to sit in her chair and toss softball questions to her guests and then end the show by telling the guest that they're such a big inspiration. If words amounted to anything, Oprah's ass kissing would have her dressing room filled with dozens of hanging Nobel Peace Prizes. I say, Madonna should stay in the UK, and Oprah should quit talking and start doing. Why not Oprah go to Africa and purchase a couple dozen kids with HIV and be Momma to them?
• Finally, Rush Limbaugh should be farting bubbles like The Lawrence Welk Show if only someone had made him wash his filthy mouth out with a bar of Irish Spring. the other day. The supposedly clean and sober ex Oxycontin junkie would make one wonder if he's back on the pills after accusing Michael J. Fox of not taking his medication anymore for his worsening Parkinson's Disease. At question was Fox's appearance in several political ads aimed at stem cell research. Limbaugh said he was skeptical about Fox's current condition because it seemed like good acting. He then suggested if it wasn't an act, Fox must have quit taking his medication weeks in advance of the commercials to make it seem like he was in genuinly bad shape. The ads showed Fox speaking and the whole while through was anxious, twitching, shaking and trembling. I saw one of the ads and unfortunately, his disease has progressed to the point where it's almost painful to watch him as he struggles to keep it together...not an acting job as Limbaugh suggested. He later apologized after a few hundred people called his "EIB Radio Network" to bitch. What a joke! Even Howard Stern wouldn't stoop as low. Rush, you better put down the pills and go back to rehab. You're talking like a junkie again!
  
  

"The year without a Santa Claus","Fun with quarters" and "The Colonel's makeover"

• Sorry Kids...no more Santa. It seems as though while the jolly fat man works hard all year for December 25th, he got himself into a little trouble with the IRS for not paying property taxes on his suburban Chicago home. He's now left town as well as a nearly $200,000 debt. If you haven't heard the news, Santa's Village in East Dundee, IL just had it's "Everything must go!" sale today. Everything from the urinals in the men's room, to the rickety old roller coasters, and even Santa's Fruit of the Looms were put up for auction. One of the roller coasters sold for over $300,000! Hey geniuses...All you had to do is sell that one thing and you'd have your money so you could stay open! It was a tame place that was kid friendly. According to one of the property owners, places such as Six Flags with roller coasters that reach the stratosphere and go around 100 mph are more fun. I say, they're deadly the way they turn you upsidedown and cause you to pass out and poop in your pants as well as coughing up your lunch. Hey, have you ever heard of someone getting killed at Santa's Village? It's impossible considering their tallest roller coaster reached a staggering 7 feet tall and traveled at 3 mph. Well, Wal-Mart has already shown interest in the property. The only ride there will be the parents pushing their kids in the shopping carts. Yes, yours truly popped in for a visit with Santa one summer day in 1970. All I got that day was this picture. All Santa got was a lap full of pee after scaring the b'jesus out of me. Do I remember that day? Nope. The photos however, make it look like a fun place. Oh well, you can never have enough Wal-Marts or Applebee's. Not to worry though...search The Web and you'll discover more than a dozen other Santa's Villages across America. When planning your vacation for next year, watch the kids eyes light up when you tell them no Disney this time...we're going to California to see Santa. Needless to say, much of the history being sold today was snatched up by owners of the other amusement parks. Some things were bought by collectors who will now have happy neighbors once they look out the kitchen window and see a roller coaster.
• "Hey Mom, can I have a quarter to try and win the kid inside the crane game?" Sure, that's how it happened at an undisclosed Wisconsin store over the weekend. Some kids went shopping with Grandma and were being a pain in the ass like most kids are, Grandma gave each of the kids a couple bucks to "get lost for awhile" at the front of the store where all the video games and the infamous crane game sat alongside the wall. Another kid tugged on his Mom's coat to tell her about the kid inside the plexiglass box with the crane. Yup, there he was sitting in a pile of stuffed animals happy as a clam. A call to 911 resulted in the arrival of the police and fire department which didn't do any good. You see, nobody had a key to the lock, and they weren't able to break the glass. Making matters worse, the manufacturer was out in California. The police then slipped the toddler some tools and some handy instructions on how to get himself out. The kid did it. After a few hours he was free and put David Blaine to shame while Grandma clutched her chest and needed oxygen. So what was so important that the youngster had to climb through a one way opening and get trapped? A stuffed Spongebob Squarepants that he had to have. When all the excitement came to a close, the little whippersnapper walked out the door empty handed and with a spanking from Grandma. Grandma wasn't let off the hook either. The kid's Mom told her that because of her carelessness, she would now be "dead to her". Now, those crane games are a ripoff anyway because the hook never picks anything up. What's more, that toy he was after was made in China. Someone should have grabbed that Spongebob and just given it to the kid. Anyone that would get themselves in a dilly of a pickle like that deserves it if only for the effort!
• Remember when KFC changed it's name baxk to Kentucky Fried Chicken last year? That lasted only a little while before they went back to KFC. Now, they're playing around with the Colonel himself...again. The four examples above are some of the images that have appeared on the chicken bucket. Surprisingly, as time goes on, Sanders is getting visably younger. In two or three years we may see the Colonel with a bad dye job, clean shaven, and wearing contacts. Who's in charge of marketing over there? This is like McDonald's retooling Ronald McDonald and dropping the clown thing without the makeup and silly suit. He'd look like "Napolean Dynamite" and that would make me defect to Arby's.

"Goofy" leaves Disney, Mean Mr. Mustard, and No nukes are good nukes.

• 
  
  

You want it? You got it...Another "No Holds Barred" edition of The Pig. Away we go...

• Goofy has worked it's way from Disneyland and Disneyworld to the theme parks that carry the "Six Flags" moniker. All twenty-something of them. In a sign that we're edging closer to the Communism of the old Soviet Union, Six Flags is now going to be in control of the way you dress and the way you talk when visiting one of their parks starting next year. Suppose you dress in a shirt that says "I'm with stupid". They'll make you turn it inside out, go to the car for another shirt, or get kicked out. There are no flip flops or open toe sandals allowed there anymore either. It's too dangerous they say. The bottom line is, when you go to one of their struggling amusement parks in the future, dress as if you're going to church. You may even want to consider carrying a Bible with you too! While Disney is focusing on getting rid of all the junk food at their parks, Six Flags is mad that your shirt says, "F*** You"! Also, before visiting Six Flags, brush your teeth real good and grab a bar of Irish Spring. You'll need that too. Employees are told not to allow profane language. It's a family place now. Is this going to make me rush over to Gurnee? Hell no. First of all, I haven't been there for almost 20 years. In other words, I can live without the place another 20 or more. You heard it here first folks...in a few years Great America will be home to a Wal-Mart, Target and TGI Fridays.
• Sir Paul has got his tits in the wringer with his soon to be Ex-Wife Heather. Seems as though Sir Paul's being knighted a few years ago hasn't slowed down his rowdy lifestyle that first came to light at the end of The Beatles reign on the music charts. What does this legless woman have against Paul other than the fact he's filthy rich and she's not? Finger pointing and plenty of it. She says, allegedly, that Paul is an alcoholic who has beat her, punched holes in the walls, and even attacked her with a half broken wine bottle to the throat. When not in a stuper, Paul was using drugs heavily, and not just smoking pot. She labels Paul as a "physically and verbally abusive mean man". Meanwhile, nobody's grilling this broad who was clueless who The Beatles were when she met Paul. "Did you play bars or something? Are you mad you never got a record deal?" she asked. What followed was justified. She was adding up all of Paul's assets in her head and pretending to be a big dope. It was only fitting that Paul took off her artificial legs and whacked her upside the head to teach her a lesson. Afterall, You'd have to be bound and gagged in a locked closet for 20 years not to know The Beatles. This scam wasn't even worthy of being called "pulling a fast one". Nope. This scam was powered on rocket fuel. Stress? You betcha! All that may be left is Ringo when this is over.
• Here's a question for President Bush and Connie Rice: Since when does testing an alternate power source involve detonating nuclear missiles. We keep hearing from Washington that if North Korea conducts another test, there will be "serious consequences" for that country however, no economic sanctions...Huh? This is where you're supposed to start. This Communist Nation is already in a serious state of turmoil. 80% of workers salaries are taken by the government. People, mainly children and the elderly drop dead in the streets while the hard working citizens of North Korea are spending the majority of their income on military projects. I say to Bush and Rice, quit pussyfooting around and don't even bother to negotiate something. You're only wasting valuable time. Maybe if that whole nation starves to death, they'll realize they've made a big mistake. Otherwise, in another year, the Middle East will meet with an angry North Korea and walk away with nuclear weapons that will most certainly be used against the U.S.

Who's career is still on track?

After a week or so of glitches, The Squealing Pig is back. This is only a test run that will now include audio clips, and in the future will have video clips. This month, I'm using a common theme. I've got photos of ICP, K-Fed and Mr. T. The common thread is that all three are 'Rasslin wannabe's who have appeared on WWE television. To make this short and to the point...ICP are two Hellraisers that don't give a rat's ass about who thinks what. Their song appears at the play button at the right hand corner of the page. They're from Detroit, friends of Howard Stern, and they rock and rap and get arrested. Kind of like KISS on training wheels. Yeah, they call Detroit home too along with Kid Rock, Bob Segar and others.

Kevin Federline (K-Fed) or Mr. Britney Spears to you, thank you very much, proved two things on Monday night while appearing as a guest on USA Network's Monday Night RAW: 1) We all know that professional wrestling is scripted, so why pull this Eminem clone out of the audience and pretend he's good frirnds with heels "Johnny Nitro" and "Marlena"? 2) The stadium full of "F you" chants and "You suck" were truly genuine when Federline offered to perform a track from his upcoming Halloween CD release. This guy is just poor, white trash.

Finally, I pity the fool that takes the advice that Mr. T gives to heart. OK, I admit. This is sort of a guilt pleasure to sit and watch on Wednesday nights. What a difference that 29 lbs of gold makes once removed from around the neck of "T"! So, now he'd genuine and a people person? Yeah right. TV Land may be able to pat themselves on the back considering all the buzz that has gone along with the show however, you think Mr. T gives a damn about you? Hell no. As long as the check clears from a half hour of his shenanigans, he'll be happy. TV Land will be happy too...that goes without saying.