"Behind the Scenes at the Oscars" A SPECIAL REPORT

This is it. This is finally the year that Oscar gives out the Oscar for best picture. It's only the right thing to do considering Elmo got bumped again after being seen painting the streets of L.A. red with good pal Britney Spears.

Personally, I'm sick of awards shows...period. Since the 2nd week of January, there hasn't been one weekend without an award program of some kind. I for one, will not be partaking in the event on Sunday evening. The Academy awards are much like the Super Bowl. If you chip away all the bullcrap the whole thing would take an hour. Add the long boring acceptance speeches and commercials, and all of a sudden we've got a six hour show. Everyone thinks they have picked the winner. That flick with Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DeCaprio is rumored to walk away with the statue. Director Martin Scorcese is also said to walk away with several awards. In all his years of making hit movies, he's never walked out of the joint with a gold statuette. I really don't know of anyone that threw away the $15 or whatever it is for the price of a ticket to see that movie or Letters from Iwo Jima. If I want to read 21/2 hours of subtitles, I'll read the newspaper.

Who decides which movvies make the cut anyway? Not me, and chances are, not you either. Let's face it, when a critically acc;aimed movie is expected to have an outstanding opening weekend, moviegoers flock to the cinema to make movies like Norbit with Eddie Murphy number one. For this reason, while we patiently await Beverly Hills Cop 4, lets give a shout out to a couple of movies for best picture of the year. Forget all the three hour boring movies...Santa Clause 3, and Big Momma's House 2 really packed 'em in. Ah yes, another crappy Sinday evening and I'd like to thank everyone for making this possible...especially Jesus Christ.

"NEWS that may have gotten lost in translation...revisited!"

Pointless, worthless news to end your work week. Pull up your bean bag, plop down, and get cozy, Here's the big stories that cause my gag reflex to kick in full throttle...

• The new dollar coin gets unveiled just in the nick of time for President's Day! Geez, you would think that by now the Federal Reserve would put two and two together and realize there's nothing like the feel of paper money between the fingers. We've experienced the Susan B. Anthony dollar in the late 1970's and early 80's. Same size as a quarter and often mistaken for one as well. The end result? You purchase something for a dollar by using that coin and the cashier sticks her hand out for the rest of the money. Next up, we had the gold coin with the Indian woman. Who the hell was this? Pocahontas? This was one coin that really came in handy ...at the post office. If you wanted to buy stamps after hours, the vending machine would gladly accept it. Everyone else would need to pull out a magnifying glass in case you're trying to pass off a Canadian coin. Now we have George Washington on a gold coin. The nations 1st President is worth roughly a buck. GW knows this whole thing is a bunch of B.S. because on the coin, the expression on his face says it all. He never looked half as mad when he and Lincoln get prostituted for mattresses and white sales in February at Target.
• Speaking of Indians...er, "Native Americans". Damn, I'mstill going to call them Indians! The Indians in Central Illinois put down their bottle of whiskey long enough to bitch and moan about the University of Illinois' mascot...the dancing Injun with the tomahawk chop. They say it's offensive and the Indian is full of stereotypes that were laid to rest years ago. I sit on the fence with this issue and here's why...It's only a mascot for crying out loud! If some guy dancing around like he's gotta pee makes you happy, I can do it for you. Shoot, they can have a monkey dressed in a sailor suit as a mascot and it wouldn't matter. Secondly, give it up. All of it. Didn't we migrate to America and take the Indian's land from them? Give them the costume back already! On the flipside, the Indian's are angry that they're being used by a school for the purposes of making money...a contradiction if you look at the facts. Land owned by the Indian's is quickly being developed into casinos. When you dig yourself into a deep hole and max out your credit cards to play keno, they'll be laughing all the way to the bank. What else can we get rid of? The Indians, The Blackhawks, The Braves? Enough is enough already!
• I'll bet you didn't see this one coming! Rolling Stone magazine has reported that the long awaited Guns n' Roses record which was set to be released in early March will now be pushed back until later this year or maybe longer. Damn, Axl Rose must be a perfectionist and if this record EVER gets finished, it better be the album of the Century! Axl stated to the magazine that he's anxious to hit the road and go on tour despite the fact that GNR is notorious for going onstage five hours late and performing a half a dozen songs before walking off and leaving concertgoers high and dry. Chinese Democracy is finished however, Axl notes that he and his no name bandmates are simply waiting for the right time to drop it. 1992 was the last release from the band. Since then, Axl has managed to derail friendships with everyone he knows. The rumor mill had Slash possibly rejoining the group. Not to worry. It was only a rumor. There's more stability in playing guitar in Volkswagon commercials.
• Finally, as it turns out, Kevin Federline is a real class act while standing next to Britney Spears. It's rehab time again and maybe the third time will be the charm. After two visits to Eric Clapton's "Crossroads" rehab clinic for a few hours, Britney didn't quite get the concept that you can't walk through the front door of the place with two cases of beer. I sure hope there's a barbershop at the place she checked into yesterday. She shaved her own head earlier this week and it really shows. Someone needs to finish the job. Even Britney who's in a foggy state of mind has been avoiding photographers by wearing a wig and sunglasses. This is an accident waiting to happen. How long will Mizz Spears last in rehab this time? The odds are pretty good that she'll stay considering an early departure by her in the middle of the night will give up her parental rights as K-Fed would gain custody. Considering his record didn't even make a showing on Billboards Hot 200, (maybe if there was a Hot 900, he'd clock in at 899). He's got a lot of time on his hands to babysit what might be two crack babies. Get out of showbusiness Britney and stay straight!