Thanks for pinning everything on me, Michael!

Let the truth be told right here and now...Michael Richards, you;re a funny guy. Matter of fact, I've followed your career for over 25 years WAY before Seinfeld. Now, I don't know what credibility Tom Dreeson, Sinbad, and Tim Allen have, but swallow your pride. Listen to me: take your Lithium and Zoloft and chill...I'm on the crap myself, so I know what I'm talking about...Hey bud, you picked a bad time to flip out...Seinfeld Season 7 was released on Tuesday. I guess no Regis and Kelley for you. Don't worry, I'm getting #7 regardless of your reckless antics.

Nobody's safe but...

It's Thanksgiving. Everyone needs a break today. Not to worry but, 24 hours from now I'll have a new victim to dump on. Meanwhile, enjoy your Turkey Day,

Kramer in The Great Frame Up

It was about a decade ago where Michael Richard's Seinfeld character Kramer got caught in the crosshairs of Newman after Kramer got caught in a tanning booth and later got covered with butter, oregeno and garlic. Today, Michael Richards is being fried in the oil of racism after giving an audience a bunch of crap. Hey, they started the whole damn thing. I'll not come to Richard's defense...Hey, he F*&%$d up. Bad timing? Nahh. Today is when all hell broke loose and call it a Koo-inky-dink, but Season 7 of Seinfeld was released today. Remaining cast members will hit Regis and Kelly without Kramer. Two hypothetical questions: Michael Richards, unless you do really crappy in Vegas, you don't need the money, Secondly, you spoke your mind with that audience. I'd do it too, If this ordeal puts a scarlett letter on him, that ain't right, I don't think I ever heard an "I'm Sorry" from Mel Gibson...Case closed.

In The Spotlight: "Let's switch Thanksgiving with Christmas..or did we do it already?"

Kudos to places like Wal-Mart for shoving their holiday commercials and advertising down our throats long before we put threw out the rotten pumpkins from Halloween. Wal-Mart was in a silly of a pickle this year about what to have their door greeters say to incoming customers at their stores. Everyone was real religious for about six months after 9/11 and then it fizzled out. Now, for some reason not too long after that, people

weren't too happy to hear "Merry Christmas" at the stores. Wal-Mart and Target did away with it and instead had employees say, "Happy Holidays". Now in 2006 it seems we're going back to the original way of doing things. For those who disagree, let's put Saddam, George W. and Jesus at the front doors of Target and Wal-Mart. Saddam should at least offer us a "Merry Christmas". If not for him being caught and sentenced to dangling on a rope soon, we may be in a lot more trouble than we are already. President Bush ought to greet customers at a store in his Texas hometown...why? When his term in office is over he may be working at Wal-Mart as a greeter. Besides, he's got nothing to do right now anyway besides fight with all the new Democrats that were just elected. Finally, Jesus should appear at every department or discount store at the same time. He can probably do it too! Jesus should stand in the doorway to scold everyone that walks in. Someone needs to remind the people what Christmas really is all about. Yep. Some 2000 and something years ago there were no Targets or Wal-Marts, no Elmo TMX's , Playstations or Nintendos. There certainly wasn't an eBay where people can resell these items for $20,000 each just to make some kid happy on Christmas!

Stay away from the Kool-Aid at the wedding, and O.J.? Should have had a V-8!

• It's over and done! The "TopKat" wedding has taken place in Italy with no problems. Katie Holmes (or is it Cruise now?) wore a lovely white wedding dress while Top Cat wore his trademark brown vest and hat. Like Oprah, Top Cat's pals Pixie and Dixie were given the brush off. One person that was able to make it was Kirstie Alley who brought longtime friend, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. No Jenny Craig on the menu at this affair...it's pasta, pasta, pasta, and lot's of garlic bread. There's just too many darn jokes to make about the whole thing and quite frankly, I can't top the stuff heard at the beginning of late night talk shows anyway. All I will say is "Remember Jonestown?" 1970's cult leader Jim Jones had a clever way of manipulating people in his flock. By continuously brainwashing the men, women, and children that he was Jesus, he convinced everyone at his service to enjoy a cold glass of Kool-Aid in the hot California sun. Within a few moments everyone was pushing up daisies, including him. Nothing wrong with the Kool-Aid itself, but the fact that he put cyanide into the batch made all the difference. With all the celebs out there for the event and most of them not being Scientologists, some might not be coming back. Let's put it this way: Those annoying Jahovah's Witnesses that pound on your door every weekend at 8:00 in the morning, move to the next house within five minutes of your closing the blinds and curtains. Anyway, July sounds like a good month for the TomKat split. You heard it here first.
• Everyone loves O.J. except for Geraldo who's hopping mad that the TV Network he works for is going to allow O.J. Simpson to go on FOX TV to talk about and demonstrate ways he would have killed his wife over ten years ago . Not an admission of guilt by any means, Simpson just wants to set the record straight that the murders were done without too much planning. This is great. Not only is he a free man, but now he's going to show us how to kill someone the "right" way! Geraldo's ranting on his syndicated tv show which is produced by FOX may cost him his job. Well, for once I can say I agree with Mr. Geraldo. Giving a killer like O.J. and hour's worth of television time is nuts, Then again, in the mid 1980's Geraldo was doing cartwheels down his office hallway when he managed to snag an interview with Charles Manson. Well, O.J. speaking on television may result in yet another trial for O.J. He's killed his wife and her boyfriend, killed his Attorney Johnny Cockring recently after the overworked rundown man died of a heart attack, and now he's got Geraldo's blood pressure through the roof. By the time this is over, Geraldo may either be off the TV, or six feet under. Will someone give Geraldo round the clock support and wire him up to an EKG machine? Maybe some Prozac wouldn't hurt either. One way or another, it'll be over soon...for someone.

"In The Spotlight: Baby Arie's 1st Birthday!"

"Spiderman, Britney and Rumsfeld: The products of an angry planet"

• 
  
  
• "Spiderman, Spiderman, acts exactly like every man"- You know, this Elmo TMX doll is like gold this Christmastime. People are fist fighting, stabbing and stealing the things from Wal-Mart. Heck , someone actually stole a whole semi trailer full of the things from a Wal-Mart in California that they're still looking for. Like toys of Christmas' past, things that talk and make noise become victims of practical jokers . Already this year with Elmo, several micro-chips were switched to make Elmo curse like a sailor. Even so, good luck trying to find one. If you do, get a second mortgage on your house way ahead of time. Enter the cheap knockoff known as the "Itsy Bitsy Spiderman". Someone decided to take the crime fighting superhero and behave like Elmo. Same thing, but not Elmo. Who wants to see Spiderman sing and dance around like a sissy anyway? Spidey doesn't even want to do it!
  

For only $20 you can find this thing virtually anywhere and everywhere compared to his pal Elmo however, someone has already messed around with Spidey's insides too. Much to a woman's surprise who bought one and put it aside for a Christmas gift, Spidey started talking one night and was saying things that are normally spoken on a 900 number chat line. They believe some prankster at the factory may be behind this. So now, you may not find these things readily available either as they are being pulled off shelves for inspection. Hmmm? A joke, or a conspiracy?

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline? There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said? These two were at a "Mexican Standoff" anyway both personally and professionally. K-Fed's debut CD released on Halloween has thus far sold an astonishing 5,000 copies. One Eminem is enough...we don't need two! Britney hasn't been on her two feet for nearly two years. The Country Bumpkin' has been laying on her back in bed while her mentor Madonna keeps moving ahead. K-Fed was like an anchor around her neck. Here's the advice Brit: Close up your legs for business and hit the studio. K-Fed: Forget the musical career. I'd say quit trying to wrestle John Cena in the WWE however, because you suck at even that too, there's a good chance you might get hurt for real. If not for the kids of yours Britney, you could come back and we'll pick up where we left off...on second thought...Nah!

One week later and my, how things have chinged in Washington. Less than 7 days ago, President Bush was still coming to the Defense of Secretary of Defense Donal Rumsfeld. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Now today, Bush had a press conference to tell the world that he an Rummy agreed that their relationship isn't working. C'mon, get real! Did Rumsfeld even have anything to say about this? Rumor has it thatbefore signing with San Diego, former Cubs Manager Dusty Baker was approached by President Bush who hinted that the war in Iraq needs to head in a new direction. Missed, will be Rummy's wit and sense of humor. He found a silver lining in every cloud. Rummy even made us chuckle when the twin towers were still smoking. He's already signed a contract with MSNBC where except for Keith Oberman and Chris Matthews, he'll be a news anchor for 14 hours everyday.

All this stuff is going on at a time where the complexion of the Universe is rapidly changing during this week. Planet Mercury is crossing directly through the path of the Sun. This last happened three years ago. This time however, the magnetic force of the sun and the closeness of Mercury is more critical. It is feared that as soon as Monday evening, Mercury will be sucked into the center of the Sun in an explosion that will be seen on Earth as simply a solar flare. Such an event had been predicted for hundreds of years as the planets inch closer to the big star. That will leave Venus as the only buffer between us and the Sun. It is expected that our planet will suffer the same fate Astronomers say, on April 13th 2021. Rock On!

"In The Spotlight: Judy Baar Topinka, Candidate for Illinois Gov."

"Judy Baar, what the hell were you really thinking?!" Ms. Topinka who's been campaigning for Illinois Gov. for over a year has been nothing but a thorn in the side of current Gov. Blagoyavich. For his part, he hasn't been too kind to his female Republican counterpart either. Absent from what could have been a good triple threat match was the "Green" party. You see, nobody cares about them anyway! While yesterday was the last day for everyone to take to the streets of Chicago and shake hands with people getting off the trains and kissing babies, Topinka set up shop near Wrigley Field to meet and greet the Cubs fans. The first mistake was using a sports team to reel in votes. Not only that, but during 2005 her and her family made it no secret that as long as it seemed The White Sox were destined for The World Series, they were going to support the South Siders all the way. Since Sprinfield is a hop, skip, and a jump away from St. Louis, maybe it's time to put on a Cardinals hat and support the new World Champs?! Things really took a turn for the worst however, when she spoke to a crowd in front of Chicago's landmark ballpark yesterday. She said that she stands in front of Wrigley Field because Gov. Blagoyovich spent more time there watching baseball games than working on issues at his office. "He spent so much time inside there watching games, they should have hired him after they fired Dusty Baker", she said. In a final blow, she suggested that he and The Cubs share a common thread: They're both losers. While both funny and true, perhaps not too smart!

"Anna Nicole says a few words...kind of"

Anna Nicole Smith: An enigma wrapped in a riddle however, we were lucky enough to have a telephone interview with her last week well before she spoke to The Insider and Entertainment Tonight. We were allowed a few minutes to speak with her while our call was under supervision. For what it's worth, she's a confused broad drifting aimlessly like a ghost ship in the ocean. We yanked Anna away from rehab in a California detox center where she also suffers from pneumonia at the moment.

• Squealing Pig- Hello Anna, Thanks for taking the time to speak to us.
• Anna- (laughing) Huh?
• SP- Sorry about the loss of your son. You feel a little guilty that it was your fault as he was already on Xanax and rifled through your purse and stumbled upon methoanphedamines? You know those two don't mix well.
• A- (laughing and slurring) Hey, we never did drugs together. I would do 'em and then five minutes later he would. (laughs) You see, that's not together.
• SP- Do you think that it was appropriate for you to take an underage kid to The Islands where drinking and drugging go hand in hand and the authorities turn the other cheek?
• A- (laughing uncontrollably)
• SP- Hello? you still there?
• A- Who's this I'm talking to again?
• SP- The Squealing Pig. We're a Blog.
• A- (laughing) That's a funny word ain't it? Blog, Blog, Blog, Hee Hee(more laughing)
• SP- We know you have a new baby. What do you make of the reports that you weredrinking and smoking crack during your pregnancy?
• A-(Angrily) That's bulls***! I would never do that. I just took Vicadin and speed. The tabloids paint me to be a rotten person.
• SP- OK Anna, what's the deal with making Howard K. Stern your life partner rather than marrying the guy? Afterall, he says he's the Father of your baby.
• A- Well, Howard is a real sweetheart and I enjoy listening to his radio show. I think Robin and Artie and Baba Booey are funny to. I thought He'd be a great Dad.
• SP- You do realize that I'm referring to your Manager Howard K Stern and not the other Howard Stern on the radio right?
• A- You mean I've got two now? How'd that happen?
• SP- It was all over the press. You're with Howard K. Stern!
• A-(laughing hysterically) You mean I married my Manager? (laughs) I figured Howard just put on the long-haired wig at the office. No kidding?
• SP- Going back to your late son, what caused him to spiral out of control at the end? And was Trimspa unknowingly feeding his drug habit?
• A- Oh no! Trimspa saved me. I was on dope and fat and posing nude for Playboy. No, if anything, he had to do like every other man in my life and sleep with me to get my money. I taught him everything he knew when it came to pleasing a woman. The people that don't get it or criticize me are just old fussy duddies.
• SP- What's ahead for your future
• A- (laughing) well, now that I'm a hot piece of ass, I want to make an XXXX video with Pam Anderson. I want four "X's" because just getting three you may as well just watch a Disney movie (laughs).

At this point, the interview came to an abrupt end by Anna's case worker. I think she's making progress!

Pork Barrel Politics can be a good thing...

Vote early.

Vote often.

Vote Squealing Pig for Congress!

paid for by the commitee to elect the squealing pig to congress

SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL**SPECIAL

• Greetings and salutations dear piglets. Because of all the breaking news that has surfaced in the past several days, my one on one exclusive with Anna Nicole Smith has been pushed back. There's bigger fish that need frying, and perhaps some of these fish are going to be roasting on an open fire in the bowels of hell.
• How I met your Mother returns this Monday night to CBS with a new title: How I met your Father. The show will now focus on two men's gay relationship and their struggle to adopt a son ala 1980's My Two Dads on NBC. You see, Actor Neil Patrick Harris decided this weekend to come out of the closet and admit he's homosexual. When he portrayed the young prodiigy on Doogie Howser M.D. nearly 20 years ago, who'd a thunk it that during commercial breaks, the teenage Harris was already checking extras on the show for prostate and testicular cancer. "Bend over, crack a smile, turn your head to the left and cough. Next I'm going to stick a few fingers up your asshole". Now Harris before landing a role on that CBS sitcom, was always a good fit for Made for TV movies where he was always a ladies man and a real honest to God romantic that would show up at the ladies house with a dozen roses , candy, the whole nine yards. I imagine it was pure hell for him as it was for Robert Reed on The Brady Bunch. When Reed was doing a scene where he was to give Florence Henderson a quick peck on the cheek, Reed did as he was told and then ran to the bathroom to get sick! Years ago, Charles Schultz was forced to add Franklin the only black kid in town. Considering they're making new holiday specials, they may as well add a gay kid that stalks Charlie Brown at Valentine's Day. As for Harris, they need to yank him out of that yuppie bar on the show and put him in his own element.
• On the same subject, what's with that Reverand Ted Haggard out in Colorado that like former Senator Foley preached and preached and preached about homosexuality, pornography and drugs being immoral, then they turn around and do the stuff they're so against themselves? I'll tell you why...when you make it a point to talk about the same thing over and over, day after day, pretty soon over time you become numb and the curiosity gets the best of you. Before you know it, you're telling yourself that these things aren't really that bad, but at the same time you stand up in front of an audience and pull a fast one on everybody. This Reverand fella is as slick as they come. Always denying everything and showing off a big smile. OK, he claims he did have a professional relationship with gay man who gave private massages. He also admits to going into a seedy part of town and purchasing a couple "8 Balls" that he never smoked...he bought them, got a change of heart, and threw them in his desk drawer where he forgot all about them. Yeah, right. This cock and bull story has more holes than a slice of Lorraine Swiss, It stinks like it too. It used to be that all the queers were to be found at the forest preserve. In 2006, all you have to do is go to church.
• Here's something Doogie and The Reverand can get for their male friends at Christmas. It's called "The Wonder Jock". It's a pair of briefs for men that when worn looks like you have two grapefruits and a banana stuffed in there. Some women developed this nifty idea as a way to equal the playing field considering men developed the "Wonder Bra" for women. OK sistas, that was what? Ten years ago? Maybe this isn't such a bad idea afterall. A woman and a man wearing these things? That means that when naked, nobody is going to go into shock because both people are liars. Hey, whatever happened to the kleenex and socks that have been used by both sexes to fool the other person for years? Cheaper too!
• Years ago, Mad Magazine had a series of cartoons that lampooned Rocky. This was after Rocky III! The joke was that when the next movie would be made, Stallone would enter the ring with the help of a walker. Little did anyone know that arriving this Christmas is "Yes, Virginia, there IS another Rocky" This one isn't even out yet, and already Stallone is hinting at more, suggesting he's got a lot of ideas. Here's my idea: Quit now. Sly just turned 60 recently. A 60 year old guy winning a championship (and you know it'll end that way...Rocky NEVER loses) is like seeing Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan win a championship title on Monday Night Raw. Meanwhile, Taliah Shire who played Rockhead's wife all these years has also recently turned 60 and thought the idea of reviving this old franchise was silly. They say there's enough stock footage to digitally insert her in important scenes without her having to be there. How about Rock's brother in law Paulie? Oh yes, he's on board. So is Cameron Diaz. They have a lot of ideas left, eh? Well, when the movie studio gets the next script from Stallone and it suggests the big event take place on the International Space Station, that's it! Pull the plug! Moviegoers can postpone Midnight Mass, caroling, and opening presents by a day. This soon to be on DVD flick called simply, Rocky Balboa hits and punches below the belt at a theater near you on December 24th. I quit watching after the one where Rocky fought the Russian. Oh boy, what's the biggest dud to finish the year? Saw, which nobody saw...Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause...or this gem?
• The annoyance of the week award goes to Kanye West. He should be happy. At least it's one more award than what he already has. What a horse's ass this kid is! He's getting more and more crazy like his mentor Diddy. See, besides the annual name change that goes with Sean Combs, he uses MySpace.com to tell people that it's his birthday (which he really did celebrate today and turned 37) and to send him something nice. In addition, he makes it a point everyday to promote another project of his and asks on his site why you think you deserve to be his friend and maybe he'll add you to the back of his list of 10,000 fans. Finally, you can pull up episodes of The Diddy Cam where he'll tell you about his day, how many women he screwed the day before, and he takes the camera into the bathroom with him to explain to women what it's like for a guy to take a piss. Now, gaining some ground on goofy Diddy is Kanye. He's starting out slow however, on the right track as Diddy. He already made a fool of himself at the MTV Music Awards by bitching and moaning about not getting the record of the year. Matter of fact, he did it two years in a row. MTV Europe had their awards the other night and Kanye knew ahead of time what the deal was...he was up for awards for about five or six categories. While he won one award, he sat in the audience steaming that the rest of the show wasn't going his way. He then made his way up on stage twice to try and yank the award from the hands of other winners. He grabbed a mic and cursed the audience for making him come out there for one award. He said it was supposed to be his show that night and he got screwed because people in the U.K. don't appreciate his music enough to give him all the awards because they "don't like niggaz" over there. He cursed a few more times and gave everyone the finger before they went to commercial. Hold onto your hats! With MTV outlets in Canada, Isreal, Australia, and Asia to name a few, if Kanye's music is up for anything, he'd better learn the languages of where he's going so when he say's "F You", the people watching will understand. I want to see a battle of egos in a recording studio with him and Diddy. Someone wouldn't walk out alive. I've got Zyprexa left over for the both of them.

**Coming Tomorrow**

Anna Nicole Smith's One on One No Holds Barred Conversation with The Squealing Pig. We'll pull her out of rehab, get her dressed, and ask some questions!