The Final Post

Dear Friends:

"All good things must come to and end so, it goes without saying, a silly blog like this should be given one, final eulogy. What began as no more than "tom foolery" years ago ended up becoming a lesson in life itself. I've posted my thoughts on various random blurbs of gargle that have taken me through the trials and tribulations of what is my life. This little blog has taken me through the highs and lows of one area of my life that included love, marriage, birth of a daughter, several near death experiences, and divorce.

Truth is, life doesn't always go as expected. Like the children's game "Chutes and Ladders", I too have climbed higher and higher just to land on that space with the slide each and every time. I still managed to keep trying again. Just like a kid who can't stand to lose at anything, I was ready to flip the damn game over and throw it against the wall!

...and so this must end as it is. This entire library has been copied and saved. If cyberspace is said to continue forever, this will be part of it now as a gift to my beautiful daughter, Arianna.

The future goes on. I'm at a point in my life that is focused and my health the best in over a decade. I'm enjoying life more than ever. With God's Will, I plan on being around for a while yet...err I hope. There are no cryptic messages or clues left behind...

Thanks to everyone over the years. I hope to continue my writings and rambling so look for me on the web AND BELIEVE ME, I still have a LOT TO SAY!

Now excuse me, while I shut down and go OUTSIDE to play with Arie...

I've GOT MY LIFE BACK!

fine'?

NO WAY!

"...And a bottle of Rum"

"Weirdo" Johnny Depp has managed to do it again! This time, he's managed to put the word, "pirates" into our everyday conversation as we hear about all the shenanigans going on in the Indian Ocean with cargo ships. Somebody has to take the blame for this mess and it may as well be him. I'd like to blame Dustin Hoffman for his role in "Hook" however, nobody saw that movie, and considering he made the flop "Ishtar" soon after, his career has suffered enough! The last time I heard the term "Pirates" was back in the days when people had cable tv and VHS tapes... If you happened to tap into your next door neighbor's cable line without paying, or borrowed a tape from a friend and copied it, you were considered a "pirate". It seems that in 2009, "piracy" has gone back to it's original meaning just one step short of the wooden leg and parrot. Weren't we the ones to originally help the Somali's in the 1980's when hunger in that part of the world was at it's worst? Then again, we stuck out our noses to rescue Afghanistan too and look at the thanks we get! Hey, charity should begin at home!

"Slips of the Lips"

If there's at least one lesson to be learned while living in the limelight, it's knowwing when to keep certain things tight-lipped to avoid having to explain yourself later. Three good examples of such a thing presented themselves in three consecutive days this week. Hopefully someone will learn something from the following blunders of the tongue...

• Britney sees "Marlboro Red" in smoke filled Canada - Concertgoers up in Ontario who shelled out lots of Canadian quarters to see Britney Spears perform were stunned when Spears choked and wheezed her way through only a handful of songs before storming off the stage. Spears was fuming over the fact that everyone in the arena was lighting up cancer sticks. While trying to calm her down backstage, an announcement was made for everyone to put out their smokes. Following her orders, Britney returned to lip-sync a few more hits and finally had enough and ended the show. Before she left the stage for the final time, she flipped off the audience and yelled out "Peace. I'm outta here you smoking f*****' Canadians!" Britney has no reason to be upset or for that matter, worried about second hand smoke. Afterall, Spears herself, is a heavy smoker! I guess the purity of Canada's air is more important to her than the bottom half of North America's?!
• Canada Part II - Billy Bob Thornton was in Toronto to promote his hee-haw country side-project known as, "The Boxmasters". Things with a CBC Radio interview were already off to a bad start when the host of the show did a pre-interview with Thornton and asked him about his new band. Thornton had to remind him that his "new" band already has done five CD's over the last five years. It was at this point that Thornton really threw a monkey wrench by telling the guy that when they go "on the air", he would not be answering any questions about his movies or acting career. Considering the radio host already failed to read up on Billy Bob's musical bio, he was pretty much left with nothing to talk about EXCEPT for "Sling Blade" and "Armageddon". An irate Billy Bob immediately scolded to poor S.O.B. and took liberty to insult all of Canada by likening Canadians to "mashed potatos without gravy" before storming out of the Toronto studio after a few minutes. As a final "F U" to our neighbors to the North, Billy Bob pulled the plug on the Canadian portion of "The Boxmasters" tour with no apologies. It's not the guy in Toronto's fault for not knowing too much history behind Thornton's band...I wasn't even aware that "The Boxmasters" had five CD releases. I recently spotted a few for a dollar in Best Buy's cutout bin. They make good, cheap, easy pizza cutters and coasters.
• "I'd like to order one large Obama with sausage and onions" - Here's something to sink your teeth into...President Obama needs to download Google Earth and brush up on his geography. A good "Chicago style" pizza is usually best when it's from Chicago and not the "Pi Pizzeria" in St. Louis. For a White House pizza party this week, Obama placed a big order with the St. Louis pizza place and claims that's the place to get the best Chicago pie. It almost started another Civil War when Chicago restaurants found out! Who could blame them? The "Pi Pizzeria" is actually a restaurant chain based out of San Francisco which is as far away from Chicago anything that you can get! That almost makes me want to believe the television commercials for "The Olive Garden" when they suggest that all their chef's are culinary experts that went to school in Tuscany, Italy and that's why their menu is gosh darned "authentic". Hmmm...
  

"A sober Steve-O? Now, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!"

"April showers bring May flowers...and yet, another season of "ABC's Dancing With the Stars". I've taken a month hiatus to reflect on the sad state of television...it's still crappy. I've concluded that no matter how hard the powers that be in Burbank, California, we're stuck in a rut. "Life on Mars" gets the axe and meanwhile, "DWTS" still remains as popular and boring to me as ever.



This season had an "F List" of Hollywood's rock bottom. The only cast member to make somewhat of an impression is the MTV Jackass, "Steve-O". If he's indeed serious abou

t his newfound sobriety, he wouldn't dare appear on this rigged dance show. Then again, who knows what's going on with him? The fact of the matter is, Steve-O needs to go back on the drugs and alcohol quick. He's not funny without toxins in his bloodstream and has thus far, proven that he's a wimp.


On MTV when he was high as a kite, Steve-O did all kinds of outrageous stuff. He put a sewing needle in his pee-hole, hit his balls with a hammer and ate a plate of dog crap. No big deal for him. This guy getting injured over and over again by ballroom dancing is pretty far-fetched. If this is the flip side of Steve-O, he needs some meth and perhaps a swift kick in th

e ass to make him realize that going on "DWTS" was a pretty goofy damn idea in the first place!

"Dave's New Product Test Lab" is now open...

When it comes to new products, it's often said that kids make the best critics. 2009 begins with quite a few new toys and food products. What I decided to do was quite simply, sit my 3 year old, Arianna down and use her as the measuring stick to determine what things will be a success or a flop. While this is by no means a representation of all pre-schoolers, the one conclusion I can make is that when it comes to your child being fussy at the dinner table, "Chef Boy R Dee's" attempt to sneak vegetables into a can of "Spaghettio's" didn't fool my daughter...she turned it down!

• "25 years later, we're still left puzzled and it ain't over yet!" - Remember that Ruskie named, "Rubik"? He invented that silly cube with all the colors that took the world by storm in the 1980's. If you had the "smartz" and thought math was "fun", between popping pimples and combing your mullet you may have lined up all the colored squares on every side. As soon as the Chinese kids were able to solve it within 10 seconds, Rubik gave us the more difficult "Revenge" as well as the "Pyramid". In a press release from earlier this week, "Rubik" came up with a new puzzle set to debut in August. The description of "Rubik's Sphere" suggests this is one puzzle that may never be solved. I had these games in a junk drawer. They were virtually untouched for years until Arianna found them. While these things keep her busy for ten minutes or so, she's wise to the fact that when all else fails, take the damn thing apart and put it back together with all the colors in the right place. Nobody will know and your kid is all groomed and eager to accept the bragging rights. Arianna gives this toy two stars... Never mind the puzzle and problem solving. It is a ball, minus the bounce of "a "Wham-O".





• "Gensing and Juice" - While there's no excitement in grocery shopping when you're alone, sometimes you have to let the child tag along. The S.O.B.'s stocking the shelves may do their part to strategically place anything with sugar within a "kid's eye view", one aisle that always gets Arianna's attention is the one with the juices and soda. I'll sometimes toss a few cans of Mountain Dew's energy drink "Amp" in the cart. The last thing I would expect to see is a similar product geared towards kids however, this is the latest thing. I'd be willing to bet that there is a room full of people associated with "New Product Development" at Kraft foods who thought this would be a good idea. Chances are, these folks have no children and this is their idea of a practical joke. The last thing Arianna needs is flavored sugar water in a drink box disguised as a "vitamin". Despite all the fancy labeling and colors, I used every trick in the book to drag her to the dairy aisle for milk.


• "Se Habla Espan No No" - "Homeland Security" in the post 9/11 days is said to be improved however, here's proof that someone fell asleep at the switch: Her name is, "Dora" and despite the fact that millions of parents are putting American dollars into her college fund, she still refuses to make herself a U.S. Citizen. Dora and her friends and family have taught our kids how to locate Buenes Ares on a map for years... now she teaches our kids how to count to 10 in Spanish before they can count in English. If I'm to attempt a conversation with my daughter I have to pull out my Spanish translator and that's a shame! Aside from that, throughout her lifetime Dora hasn't aged a year... Kind of like "The Simpsons". Remember when baby Maggie uttered a word 20 years ago? She hasn't made another peep since then. The folks behind Dora's creation have recently decided to add a few years onto her age and perhaps nobody will notice that she is now a "tween". As if being an "illegal alien" wasn't enough, she will now have to deal with everyday common "tween" problems like puberty, pregnancy, and pimples. The last thing I'm about to do is explain who "Tammy the Tampon" is to my child! That's why the new Dora is off limits to my daughter. Besides that, I think Dora's Visa has expired!
  

Jacko's big comeback controversey

"King of Pop", Michael Jackson held a press conference earlier this week to announce his plans for a "comeback" in the U.K. Rumors have been circulating that Michael chose an impersonater to make the announcement, and may have planned to use the person to fool concert-goers into buying tickets to a show that the real Jacko won't be involved in. What do you think? Take the poll to the right and decide if Jacko is really that "Wacko" to pull a stunt like this!

"The Bachelor finale that ABC didn't want you to see!"

There's no such thing as "reality" it would seem...not even in TV Land! ABC's real-life soap opera, "The Bachelor" aired the second night of the Season Finale on Tuesday night to a record audience. Just a few years ago, the show had just about run out of gas. I thought the long running streak of reality based programs were all going to be gone by now as well however, I was wrong. This only goes to show that as long as there are people with potato salad for brains who watch this stuff, it'll keep on coming. Let's face it... there's no script writer in all of Hollywood that could conjur up a crappy storyline like what we see on "The Bachelor". It's gotta be real! Or is it?

Gather a large group of foolish women together in a Los Angeles studio, bring in a guy with a broken and lonely heart, and let the guy start picking 'em out one by one like the team captain picking out a lineup for the high school gym class volleyball game, and watch as the hair pulling, name calling, and cat fighting kicks into high gear as they all make jackasses of themselves while trying to get the dope's attention! What we have here is a bunch of women from across America that have dumped their boyfriends and quit their jobs to fight over a guy. Kinda pathetic, isn't it? The "reality" here is that these scenarios never work out the way they were supposed to. If you're a viewer of a show such as this one, youve probably got high hopes that you'll stumble across a TV Guide article in 25 years about the happy couple. Good Luck! Now, a lot of single women and fans of the show are about ready to hang "Bachelor", Jason Mesnick from a noose because he pretty much flipped a coin in the end to decide on a winner. It was the perfect setup for what ABC was hoping for...a ratings windfall! I hate to be the one to rip open the curtain and reveal the "Wizard" behind it all, but the truth is, everyone involved in this drama was in on the secret. In other words, there were no hearts broken here. Surprisingly, Mesnick was allowed to speak publically about the workings of the show days prior to the final episode. It was a bold move by ABC considering these things are kept top secret. Not to worry. You didn't see the ending as it actually happened.

A visit to the show's website one day last week revealed what really happened. Ladies, get ready... While Mr. Mesnick proposed to one woman, took back the offer, and gave it to someone he kicked off the show weeks before, he didn't end up with either one. As it turned out, he's just a typical guy looking for a little fun. Following the final taping, he realized that none of the women could ever give hime what he wanted, or accept what he had to offer. None except for one: Her name is simply, "Rosa" and she had a flat rate of $150 for 30 minutes. He was on a plane and headed back home to be with his son before the sun went down. He only spoke to Rosa one other time, and that was when she called him to say he stiffed her with a bogus $20 bill. All's well that end's well!

"Three Cheers for Casamir Pulaski Day!"

Today's guest columnist is Norbert Stanislawski, Editor of Warsaw Poland's "Jean Dob're Polski" online news source...

"Polish up your Polish Pride!"
By: Norbert Stanislawski

Polish-Americans are stupid! I call them this bad name because they went to United States and left behind all their humble beginnings! In Poland, we make the most of what little we have and treat an important holiday like Casamir Pulaski Day in the highest regard in the same way we honor Christmas and Easter. In United States, people there are so-so and could care less who the important one was that died amd are just happy to have a day from work to sit and drink beer and watch a Sponge Bobby Square Head on the big satellite dish. Now, I take a few times to remind you where your roots come from by telling you about these famous Poles!

• Q-Tips invented by Leo Gerstenzang, a Polish-Jew in the 1920's. This are a good thing that everyone has in their medicine chest. This idea came to him after he watched the people use whatever they can to stick in the ear to pull out the wax...a finger, hairpin, house key, butter knife or whichever. The first prototype he showed to Josef Johnson, a pharmacist visitng Poland from United States. It was originally a small patch of his hair that he put in his pocket after a haircut at the barber shop. He came home and put this around the end of a toothpick and stuck in his ear. Hard of hearing his whole life, Leo was so surprised to hear again that he passed away a month before he was able to sell the patent to Dr. Johnson. Johnson then took the idea to America to Johnson's other brother Johnny. The rest is what we take for granted today and Leo may get the credit for the invention, his family didn't make a dime!
• "Prozac" anti-depressant, first tested by Polish immigrant in the 1970's. Jan Kilinski was a man who had lots and lots of problems. Uneducated and unemployed, Jan began talking to himself and would sometimes be found sleeping in the vestabule of his church drunk by the priest.. An excorcism was done for him twice to get rid of the demons in his head with no luck. The fact that the church frowned on suicide did not bother Jan. After failed attempts talking to the priest didn't work, he attempted a suicide by jumping out the basement window of a ladyfriend. A Krakow pharmacist gave him the very first prescription for the new "Prozac" which he took. It worked good for him and was considered a miracle medicine but, three hours of being happy was too much for Jan..he hung himself that evening!
• Sports and Entrtainment are no strangers to Poland! Some of the world's best known showmen have come from Poland. Professional Wrestler, Ivan Putski is in the books for his strength. Putski, who has the real last name, Bednarski, enjoyed success in the WWF in the 1970's and was one of the last greats to win an Intercontinental Title before the Vince McMahon took over the business and put in the sex and goofy stories. Ivan was too much of a class act for this company and they let him go. Putski is retired today in United States. Bobby Vinton the "Polish Prince". I can't imagine one person in Poland or America that doesn't occasionally play a Bobby Vinton LP Record. His music has inspired many generations of music artists like Madonna and Bruce Springstein. A protoge of Pat Boone and Paul Anka, Bobby Vinton still belts out the hits to this day and ladies still throw him their underpants onto the stage. While most performers return to their beginning in bars and nightclubs, when not headlining his nightly show in Branson, MO., Bobby entertains sold-out shows at Bingo and church halls and sometimes sports a "Blue Velvet" leisure suit as part of his attire!
• Casamir Pulaski. The General of the Polish Calvary. Although he and his horse originally headed into the Revolutionary War and went 100 miles in the wrong direction, his soldiers eventually were able to re-group and catch up to him where they followed his lead. A true war hero, Pulaski's body as well as the carcass of his trusty steed are buried beneath a towering two foot tall monument near Pennsylvania. I raise a toast to this man and other Poles that we just take for granted way too much!

"In Memorium..."

"VH-1 Presents: Sober House"

Considering I experience at least a half a dozen sleepless nights during the week, it's always nice to know that in the world of CATV I can always "tune in" to a program that I overlooked days before. When it comes to reality shows featuring bankrupt, drug addicted celebrities at wit's end, VH-1 is the place to go. It's quite entertaining. Around Christmas, I took my shot at giving a popular show some "Poetic Justice". Well, the eight week long show finally came to an end. It came as no surprise to me that the specific people I wrote about for the most part, failed the program. A tiny few were able to squeak by and "Graduate" to the "Sober House", the follow-up series to the original "Rehab". It's my job to put the Kabosh on their progress as I bring you up to date on what you may have missed... in another poem...

"Step two in recovery is living alone,
still no no drinking or drugging allowed in the home.

The residents are all dressed to go out to the bars,

despite all their problems and the fact they are stars!

Dr. Drew Pinsky is still the group's shrink,

but who is he kidding to think they won't drink?

It had just been an hour and a quarter past ten,

when the first call came in to say, "We're all drinking again"

Drew shook his head then he slammed down the phone,

he then hopped in the car to get the group home.

"I thought I could trust you, you gave me your word."

Then Andy Dick laughed and said, "Drew, how absurd!"

"We're all addicts, you know and we're not gonna stop..."

"Just one more round barkeep I'm ready to drop!"

While planning his exit and eying the door,

Andy Dick pooped his pants and threw up on the floor

"We're going to treatment" were the words that were said,

Stephen Adler agreed and even nodded his head.

They agreed that they'd all do the program again,

so long as Drew Pinsky allows heroin.

Be it booze, pills or crack or a combo of thee,

the drama survives for the next "Season 3"

"The Fence-Hoppers Guide to the 2009 Chicago Auto Show"

" Here's a new concept for all the automakers: Cancel the next Auto Show!"

This past weekend marked the opening of the "2009 Chicago Auto Show". The annual event celebrates the show's 100th year in business. This thing is still a big deal to someone because, despite having to take out a second mortgage just to get the family in the door, once you're inside you realize that there's no way in hell you could ever afford one of the cars on display anyway! Let me save you the time and the money from attending the event as I take the family and "hop the fennce" to sneak into a show that, with all the troubles the auto industry is facing, should probably end sooner than later...

• The cars we'll never, ever see on the road - The industry calls these vehicles "concept cars". It's some developers crazy "middle-of-the-night" dream where he or she thinks up an idea and scribbles or sketchhes it on a notepad to get back to in the morning. They'll bring the idea up at the next meeting and a small percentage will pass through to the next step while the others will be scrapped. The ones that make it from paper to computer to a slab of clay are then held up in a long waiting line that may take a decade made up of time, money, testing, analysis,model making, and maybe a prototype in full scale. A few million bucks later, a place like GM produces about half a dozen actual cars that end up on display at places like these shows. They will never be mass produced or see the street however, this is the biggest draw of every years show since the beginning. Considering the money wasted on goofy ideas, we are told that automakers use these to pick out odds and ends of the car that will one day be useful or should I say, "practical". With some of the outlandish ideas from the 1950's, we'd be commuting back and forth to the moon to go to work in our "rocket car" in 2009. Take the examples in the photos here from a few different decades and then tell me if any of this technology is common on a car today...By the way, the last time anyone went to the moon was 1971. If NASA can't afford to go there, how are we supposed to go? Sure, some people will argue that inventions like the "air bag" were part of a concept car idea in 1960 that we take for granted today. Truth is, are we ever going to need 12 video cameras on a car instead of windows and mirrors? Well, at least that makes more sense to me than suggesting we need a DVD player and XBox for each passenger in the car!
• The Electric Car - Years to develop and actually mass produced by GM, they tried to force people to buy the ugly looking things but nobody took the bait. In one of the original government bailouts to help automakers, all the cars were part of a package where the government bought them back, ate the loss, and had them melted down. Now that we worry about the future of oil once again, they revamped the idea into what they call a "hybrid" that works on both gas and electric. The big selling point for a vehicle like this besides being eco-friendly is, you can travel a whopping 40 miles before you run out of juice and have to switch over to gas. They say that we'll soon see the cars come with cords that plug into any household outlet. Who will sit around and wait all night for the battery to charge before you can continue on your way? I don't know about you, but my surge protector already "overfloweth" with plugs from the computer, TV, VCR, DVD, Cable Box, Stereo, etc.... the last thing I need to do is plug in the car!
• The Amphicar and The Pontiac Aztec- Two more cars that made it however, ended up D.O.A. The first one was a car that could also float and run as a boat. A good idea that didn't sell. This is an idea however, that should be thought over again primarily for the idiots who travel after a flash flood, see a puddle of water in the road, and conclude they can drive through it. Before being swept away by the currents, you could easily boat back to safety or at least be able to fish from the driver's seat while waiting for help to arrive. Meanwhile, remember the Pontiac Aztec? Considered one of the biggest flops that GM ever produced, it was considered "too ugly" for the road when it debuted in the 90's. While that idea flopped, almost the same exact body style was brought back to life in the form of the Toyota Prius ironically, their best selling model ever with a waiting list for buyers.

Maybe everyone involved in deciding the status of the auto industry the next time they come to Washington for help should remind them of all the money that was flushed down the toilet the last 100 years. Maybe they also need to realize that no matter how much places like Ford and GM "sweetin the deal" while approaching you to purchase a new car, a gasoline powered $17,000 vehicle is a lot more within people's means than a $45,000 hybrid. Save your money this time around by eating the hot dog and chips at home and hop the fence if you just "have to go". You will only miss one great idea that will be reality very soon...

The Illinois Barack Obama license plate. The special vanity plates will cost $30 and be valid for 90 days and can then be renewed. This is the latest attempt to help the struggling economic mess in Illinois. I'm not a fortune teller however I will say the odds of this license plate actually staying on anyone's car for 90 minutes would be a stretch, let alone 90 days! Do yourself a favor and nix the plate just because of what you'll have to go through to report it stolen. If you want to let someone take a $30 collector's item from the car, leave a blank check on the passenger seat of the car while parked at the mall with the door unlocked!

"Cupid's poor eyesight rekindles a Valentine's Heart On for an Ex"

When it comes to romance and being "the ideal mate", the last person you'd consider to fill the shoes would be Drew Peterson. The former cop is now best known for making people vanish without a trace. He's done such a good job that perhaps David Copperfield should get in touch with him for some pointers! As if Drew Peterson's odd behavior isn't enough to make his stories suspicious, through all the pain and agony of losing four wives by accident, Drew still has a special place in his heart for love. The random one-liners and sarcasm that Drew likes to spew out on the local news has given us a glimpse of the "bizzaro" world of romance that can't be found on the inside of any Hallmark card. If you thinks he's a little bit nuts, check out Drew's latest flame. A 23 year old emotional mess who has already been part of the media power struggle however, most recently wiped the slate clean and moved back into Drew's home. While I'm tired of seeing these two on television, when a few days pass without seeing one of these two isiots on "Good Morning America", I have to think the worst. On this Valentine's Day, I remind the couple that arguing around the clock is no foundation for a good relationship. Besides, in the end Drew will always win the argument. If this girl has any brains at all, she needs to go out to the garage and look at the 55 gallon blue drum in the corner to see if her name is painted on it...

"The future of the peanut is still in a jam"

"You put peanut butter in my petrie dish of salmonella!"..."No. You put salmonella in my peanut butter!" This can be debated until the cows come home along with the age old question of the chicken and the egg. In any event, I knew it was just a matter of time that peanuts and salmonella would get linked to Osama Bin Laden and terrorism... and there it was in a video package on CNBC earlier tonight. I guess we're still looking for this guy after all these years?! Nevermind that since 9/11 Third World Countries have gone on to enrich plutonium, create missiles to transport nuclear warheads and other creative forms of killing. Bin Laden is going back to the basics now and giving us Americans a case of "The runs" and stomach cramps! When you dig a little deeper into this story you have to wonder if "peanut terrorism" is only speculation. When I stop to think about it, Planters Peanut mascot, "Mr. Peanut" hasn't been seen in advertising since around 2001. Although his publicity photos are outdated, he's got a rather suspicious smile on his face which is strikingly similar to what he may be thinking..."I'm gonna make your kids choke to death on your next flight with Southwest Airlines!" That's how all this peanut hysteria got started in the first place. While checking in on Mr. Peanut's past, in the 1940's he was "blacklisted" for being a Communist and was shunned by Hollywood and Ad Agencies. If this anger still exists today, perhaps it's quite possible that the guy is spreading Skippy and Smuckers on whole wheat with the crust cut off (because that's how Bin Laden likes it) and poisoning all of us from a distance.

It's a shame when you consider we have GPS and a multitude of computer software to track people down and still can't find the man, or Mr. Peanut for that matter. If there's any connection between these two dummies and George Washington Carver, please keep it to yourself... I've never craved a Reese's peanut butter cup as much as now!

"Bob, Jason, and Brett: The happy trio"

• "Yes we can! -Just as soon as I finish my cup of coffee and sweet roll" In other words, whatever you do, don't ever rush a union worker! Legendary computer generated construction worker, "Bob the Builder" swung through Chicago this week to promote his stage show for the whippersnappers. As soon as Bob got off the plane at O'Hare Airport, the poor "Son of a Bitch" that was stuck wearing the hot costume began an afternoon tour of a "meet and greet" session with fellow construction workers. As the men in flannel shirts, hard hats, and black lunch pails stopped to pose for a picture with the PBS icon, it quickly became obvious that Bob is indeed a "team player" when it comes to enjoying all the perks of being a union member. Before picking up a hammer to lend a hand, the first order of business was locating the nearest Dunkin Donuts. Bob used his better judgement when being confronted by local television reporters about his Dad who by the way, was one of the original ironworkers responsible for the shoddy workmanship in constructing the World Trade Center in the late 1960's. Never trust an anvil with the words, "Acme" on the side. Bob's stageshow may be the baragin of the week for the kids, but parents may choose to stick with "The Blue Man Group" instead.
• "Deja Vu all over again and still an unlucky number - Hollywood has gotten lazy lately when it comes to making movies. If you have a lame script, a pile of cash and just another "Tom, Dick or Harry", you can do virtually anything. Let's be honest here...how many people have spent nearly the last 30 years longing for an update to the original "Friday the 13th"? I guess the one person in particular to lose sleep over this was the one and only Rob Zombie, the rocker that resembles Satan's long lost brother. Rob pulled all his fortunes together a few years back to buy the rights to almost every cheezy horror flick ever made in hopes to add a "21st Century twist" to these old "classics". Remakes of old favorites don't always work ou too well. Take Rob's creative liberty displayed in the remake of , "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" from a few years back! I hate to clump these together however, no matter if it's a cheap scary movie or a big budget masterpiece like "Star Wars", a remake only does one thing: dissapoint. Looking back on the cheap special effects and frightning scenarios of those wacky teens staying at "Camp Crystal Lake", it's obvious that the special effects and makeup were included nothing more than Karo syrup and red food coloring on someone's Kroger list. The original is so corny that it should never be duplicated. This may be the next generation of horror to follow "Psycho" however, after the 25th and 26th sequels where Jason meets Freddy Krueger and The Predator, It's time for Rob Zombie to put this tale to rest. Watch as this flick appears on Netflix just before Easter!
• "Will he or won't he?" One thing about Bret Favre is that when it comes to being undecided, he's always constant. Now, please do us all a favor and go away this time for good. Favre still resembles that bad penny that keeps turning up in your pocket despite all attempts to pass it off on some unsuspecting sucker. Everytime this guy suggests the possibility of retiring, John Madden comes along and lays on his schmooze about what a loss the sport of football would be without him. Madden's passion for Favre is as creepy as a dirty priest stalking an alter boy. We know that Favre's final stop will be in the Football Hall of Fame and yadda, yadda, yadda. The game will go on long after Favre is. Favre is turning this past season with New York into a publicity stunt and he's bitter over the fact that he couldn't push the Jets into a Super Bowl. Do we need to go through this again? Bret returns home to Wisconsin to drive the John Deere around the property a few times and due to boredom, goes on a wild goose chase for a new job? Someone tell Lovie Smith not to get any crazy ideas. The Cubs and Sox are already the final resting spots for retirees. Please Bret, we're not jackasses so, if you want to quit, let's just do it!
  

"Why Dwayne Johnson needs to keep The WWE on speed dial" Final thoughts on "2009 Grammy's"

The Rock says, "Thank god I left my phone on 'vibrate mode' considering "Walking Tall 2" hasn't been discussed yet". As soon as the lame award show began last night, I knew I was in trouble. I knew going into this event that the group, "Coldplay" was supposed to be served papers by Joe Satriani's legal team because of the alleged theft of a similar riff that Joe Satriani recorded years ago. One thing I wasn't aware of was the havoc caused by R &B singer, Chris Brown. This guy is in deep "doo-doo" for supposedly assaulting a female friend. At the last

minute, Brown's attorneys advised that he not go on

stage and draw unwanted attention to his situation. The entire backstage area was in complete

chaos an hour before the show hit the airwaves because several segments with Brown had to be scrapped. Apparently, the only logical thing to do to fill ten minutes or so, was call up former WWE Superstar, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to help save the

evening. I imagine he was called by his Agent considering his

proximity to the awards show. Dwayne is to music as Jerry Springer is to being a journalist. This "Candy ass" of a guy left the WWE a few years ba

ck to become an "Action Hero" in film. Unfortunately for him, his value has dropped in the Casting Department in Hollywood. All that's left are the "straight to DVD" m

ovies for Disney. Sorry "Rock", whoever suggested the idea of having you come out to throw stones and make a mockery of nominees was puzzling to me. You

should've just kissed Vince McMahon's ass in the first place...you still may have had a career!

• Robert Plant and Allison Krauss - Robert is showing a lot of "wear and tear" after all these years and looks a mess! All things considered, the CD by Plant and Krauss isn't all that bad. In fact, the rumors of the "on again, off again
  " reunion and album as Led Zeppelin probably wouldn't be as good as this.
• Jennifer Hudson - OK, her being there AND performing was kind of clever on someone's behalf. Just a week ago, Hudson was being chastized for lip-synching at The Super Bowl. All of a sudden, that was all forgotten when she took to th
  e stage last night. I'll give "Props" to Jennifer's singing. Anyone who makes it past Simon Cowell deserves some kind of kudos. Hudson was at an immediate advantage going into this due to the "Sympathy" factor of her family being killed. What else is a critic supposed to say about an emotional performance like that? They left that one alone and instead, focused on one of her outfits which did resemble the bib you get while dinin
  g at Red Lobster.
• U2 - I hate to say bad things about Bono. My "Catholic Guilt" prevents me from saying too much considering his friendship with world leaders and The Pope. I haven't heard any advance tracks off their upcoming March release yet other than the first single which they performed. I hope there's a little more substance on the remainder of the CD because the first single sounds like these guys infringed on their own Copyright by re-recording "Vertigo" with new lyrics. Perhaps a little hard to distinguish in a live performance however, q
  uite obvious if you hear it on the radio.

Ironically, A-Rod and his steroid use would overshadow the whole show dedicated to m

usic. Steroids and MLB? Get outta here... this stuff is still going on? When you get linked to Madonna like he is, you need steroids just to keep up!

"Pimpin' a Grammy is easy for Uncle Wally"

"Pinch me, will ya?" That's all I can say as I take a few moments away from "The Grammy's". Pardon me while I get sick... Anyone who knows my criticism of most modern music may think I'm about to take you for a ride. This is serious, folks. Two hours into this year's award show I was blindsided with a big slap to the face when I discovered that (Have mercy on my soul), "The Jonas Brothers" live performance with Stevie Wonder was ....ummm, pretty good. If these guys actually played their own instruments and sang the words "Live", I'd even go as far to say that they make something of themselves sans "Walt Disney". Having said this, I'm in no hurry to go out and purchase any of their music or silly movies. If this is one of the few options that "Blu-Ray" has to offer, I can wait another year for another price drop!

In the meantime, I firmly stand by what I said before when it comes to "The Grammy's"..Winning an award on the show is kinf of like striking gold with a Cracker Jack prize of a cheap plastic compass! The big winner thus far has been, "Coldplay". Don't even bother asking me how they got there or how they were able to win anything.

..So far, two songwriters are in the process of a copyright infringement lawsuit over a particular song. The group has since "downplayed" the incident and chooses to ignore the issue. Oh, I've heard the other songs that provided the inspir

ation for "Viva La Vida" from Joe Satriani and "The Creaking Boards". Download these and see for yourself!

The one thing I can't wait to see is a performance by the legendary, Neil Diamond. This guy is still a hip dude after all these years. If you overlook the leather boots with the zippers on the side and the big sideburns, the music is timeless. Can you say the same abo

ut Kanye West?

"Democracy fails to be nominated!"

The Fight for "The Grammy"

There's no worse luck than a "broken Axl" if you're speaking about your car or the lead singer of "Guns N' Roses". In this case, Axl Rose has a beef with the folks on the panel of picking nominees for the 2009 Grammy Awards... the latest album got snubbed and Axl won't be going home with any "Grammy" this year! I don't care what anyone says about the Thanksgiving Day release of "Chinese Democracy". It's an experimental piece of work that can be described as outtakes from an album never released 20 years ago. While it isn't a train wreck, it wasn't worth the hoopla either. Originally, nearly 25 tracks were in the works ubtil someone "swiped" the master tapes and uploaded the songs on the Internet. The years and years that passed along the way left the whole project in limbo before it finally came to fruition last year. In the end, the "GNR" lineup would change several times and the album tracks were reduced to a dozen. Lead guitarist, Slash left the band in 1991 and is obviously missing from any song credits on the latest release. Unfortunately for Axl Rose, his biggest accomplishment would be the status of yet another disgruntled member by the name of Steven Adler. We'll get to him in a minute...

"Chinese Democracy" and it's delays and controversey were not by mistake. It was a PR stunt gone bad. Axl wanted to show the world he was with the times and understood the ins and outs of the Internet. The guy that "stole the tapes" and "held them hostage" before releasing them on the Internet is more than likely a good pal of Axl who was doing what he was asked to do. After the smoke cleared and the "fun" of searching out the tracks in cyberspace ended, there was virtually no reason for anyone to shell out the cash and actually purchase the album. That's why Axl's pissed! The fact that he and Slash never worked out their problems long enough to make the current release also bothers him. Just this week, Axl was quoted as calling Slash "The weak link" and stated that the two will never speak or work together again in this lifetime. Really, I could care less. As far as I'm concerned, '87's "Appetite For Destruction" holds it's spot as a breakthrough record and ends there despite other tragedies like former drummer, Steven Adler.

Adler was part of the original lineup and mixed well with the band, especially when the concerts were over. The "GNR" party bus rolled on for a while until Adler took the partying a bit too seriously. The bands reputation for being three hours late to take the stage was a result of Adler. Even though they were set
to "self-destruct", they all agreed Adler had to go. Instead of getting better, Adler finds himself on the current season of VH1's "Sober House" and he himself, is a ticking time bomb lost in a world of dope. The irony here is that a guy as screwed up as him, turns out to be the biggest draw on a reality show about addiction. I'm not sure if people wish him success or failure however
, anyone who says they're taking sobriety seriously but yet, enters a home with pant pockets full of syringes isn't really trying too hard. I wouldn't expect to see any one of these three characters together anytime soon. There's a better chance to see John Lennon and George
Harrison rise from the ashes with Ringo and Paul. Let's face it... the "GNR" tragedy was years in the making. No "Grammy" for these guys...!

"Google stirs up even more trouble!"

Getting "Bamboozled" by "Google" again! OR "If you want my identity THAT bad, let me give you my Social Security number along with lots of luck!"

I've written about this in the past and got a few chuckles along the way however, it happened to me again today while I was out and about. Google began as a half way decent search engine on the Internet years ago and that was that...fine by me. In fact, I still use it today for it's original intended purpose as well as the main conduit to present this blog (So, you see I must be careful what I say here as my text is being monitored!). Google has taken the prophecies that George Orwell wrote about and have turned them into reality. Sure, in the beginning it was fun to take advantage of all of Google's little extra perks like their famous program, Google Earth. Here, you can plug in your neighbor's address and zoom up to peek into the picture window. While you're at it, you can get all the information you could ever imagine such as names, phone numbers, and property values. Google did all this with plenty of leg work over a few years. They actually sent college kids out in white vans to take digital photos of everything (Notice how some of the addresses you enter show the hood of the van in the photo?). An invasion of privacy? Sure. You can be like the old lady next door and know everyone on the block's business. This week, Google added yet another feature. This one is for Wi-Fi and cell phones and it all comes down to tracking down "where in the world" you are! I suspect that Waldo and his shenannigans are now out of places to hide.

This latest attempt to pry further into our lives may be a good thing for the parents with the 15 year old daughter who is currently rebelling, putting up half-naked photos of herself on MySpace and planning on stealing Mommy's MasterCard for plane tickets to another country to meet some old pervert pretending to be 15 too. As far as I'm concerned, despite the positives such as this, Google has now crossed the line into that "gray" area and meanwhile, they still can't get the easy stuff sorted together, which brings me to earlier today...

A teenager overheard me mention my name while at the doctor's office and asked me if I'm friends with Shawn White. "I don't know the guy" I said, and continued on. A few moments later it hit me that this kid was talking about the Shawn White that happens to be a professional snowboarder, has his own video game, and looks like "Carrot Top" the comedian. This wasn't the first time I've been "connected" to the guy. Matter of fact, if you Google my name you'll discover I was in the "X-Games" and have a long history in this extreme sport. Truth be told, the closest I get to snow is with the Toro snowblower. If I slip on the ice and break a bone, it's by accident and not for "the fun of it". So much for unique name! Actually, if you type in my name on Google, you'll see me connected with many types of things such as Car Salesman, Mobile Phone President, brother of "Quinn" who plays in the NFL. I've either got the same name as these people or are somehow linked to them by accident. Perhaps they are some relation way down the line?! Maybe I'll never know. The same goes for the name of this blog...type it in and this gets connected to a "hole in the wall" bar in Boston. I've never been there but yet, share the name with them. The S.O.B.'s wouldn't even send me a shirt from the place for my mentioning them! All I can say is, if you're like me and have lots of bills and misery while fearful of picking up a ringing telephone,

1. Thank the Lord above for Caller ID.
2. Realize that your name that may contain every letter in the alphabet may not be that "unique"
3. Write Google a "thank you" note if they confused you with someone with the same name who has a bigger bank account than you. Google may mix you up with someone else but, that someone else may end up stuck with your bills.

"Blago on tour", "Smoke your breakfast", and "Denny's strikes out"

• 
  "Dora the Explorer" called and wants her hair back! Now that Rod Blagojevich has gone from Illinois Governor to "Citizen Blago", he hasn't slept a wink due to his comedy act that has recently hit the road. It's an act so pathetic that it actually makes you believe that Dane Cook is funnier than the late, George Carlin. I'd even go so far as to say that I long for the possibility of a Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, and Whoopi reunion! I haven't forgotten about his resume however, a security glitch on "Monster.com" has hindered my access. Be it as it may, Blago has gone from taking his quick witted "out of context" remarks from the studios of Nightline and Geraldo to the late night "yuck yuck" fests of talk shows. Politics to comedy can be a smooth transition if you do it correctly like say, "The Daily Show" however, this isn't Jon Stewart. Regardless of the fact that within a matter of a few weeks he's taken the joy out of Obama's Illinois pride and tainted it yet again, I still see a guest spot on "SNL" for him in person, before May with "Chingy" as the musical guest. In the meantime, he's a good person to take along to a ballgame or concert as a ticket scalper. He can turn a profit on your $50 seats...to be continued....


• Try not to "be like Mike". Pee in the pool! There's still a lot of fuss over Michael Phelps photo fiasco with the dope. It seems this is a topic that gets everyone all riled up and taking sides. It's not like this guy was snapped by TMZ shooting up heroin or something but, at the same time I find his defense as this being a "one time thing" a little humorous as well. The fact is, the guy won 7 medals and that's nothing to sneeze at. So I say, apologize and let it rest. Sounds simple but, Phelps feels the need to, pardon the pun, re-hash the event and dig the hole deeper and deeper. The smart thing to do would be to keep quiet. This only spotlights some errors in his judgement that may or may not have been the result of some "good pot". First of all, in an age where cellphone cameras are everywhere, think about your actions a little bit. Don't smoke a bong six feet long... consider using rolling paper. Don't ever say you did it once and didn't like it because a picture is worth a thousand words. Also, don't offer to speak to school kids at big events because of this as a way to show you're on the right track. Such a thing makes you look more guilty and unhuman. Considering all the endorsement deals, contracts and aspirations to compete in future Olympic events, the next time this were to happen, drink lots of water and flush it out of your system before you get caught. He'ss got the perfect setting here with being able to constantly pee in the pool without drawing more attention to his frequent bathroom visits. Everyone has done it at one time or another because of not wanting to get chilled when exiting the water. Why do you suppose Las Vegas casonos have bars in the swimming pool? The guys sitting there all day drinking beer without getting up once is the only proof you need. The only irony here is that his story is making a mountain out of a mole hill when the same thing happens time and again, day after day, in every other sport and nobody blinks an eye. A sad commentary on society.


• "Does anyone remember breakfast at Denny's?" The restaurant chain Denny's had one of the most successful commercials during Super Bowl Sunday. If you were lucky enough to catch it, their commercial touted a free breakfast for everyone the Tuesday after the game. I guess they thought that either most people wouldn't remember it by Tuesday or everyone would be at work at that time and not take advantage. With the economy in as bad shape as it is, it ended up being that there's either a lot of unemployed folks that are hungry, or everyone called in sick. Denny's has kicked out some pretty good eats over the years, or so they say. Sure, I've been there however, never in the daylight and never sober. I haven't been in one for years anyway because I really don't know what I'd expect going in late morning or early afternoon. It's either disgusting food or deserves "5 stars". I hate to find out. Typically, Denny's does it's best business from two types of folks...these are either hungry people motoring cross country on vacation, or the drunks that come in clusters after midnight. Denny's knows this because they started the idea of putting pictures next to everything on the menu. You're either too tired to read or too drunk. You can simply point out what you want to the waitress without saying a peep. There's nothing like a big breakfast filled with Bisquick, cholesterol, and pork fat topped off with bad coffee to put some spring back into your step! Anyway, the old HBO show called "Taxi Cab Confessions" gave me an idea for a spinoff called "Denny's Dining Booth". Let's face it, have you ever tuned in to the things going on around there? Just like in the taxi, people sit and start dishing up the dirt while being taped on hidden camera. You'll see them all come out of the woodwork here in the form of gays, transvestites, prostitutes, winos and weirdos. They can try their hand at creative advertising gimmicks and using a couple of "Wise Guys", cowboys, or Burt Reynolds as a pitchman but truth be told, a hidden camera works better. They bit off a little more than they could chew with the free breakfast spot that resulted in lines outside two blocks long so this show idea is perfect to help balance their books. Afterall, Denny's isn't just for breakfast anymore... it's the "Craig's List"version of IHOP and that's truth in advertising with a wink and a smile!

"A One Word Review" of the "One Second Ad"

"Dumb"

"Super Sunday: Who gives a rat's ass?"

If there's ever a day where all the weirdo's, nutso's, drunks, freaks and alleged "fans" come out to play, besides New Year's Eve, it would have to be the "Super Bowl". If I were to bet on a "sure thing", it's that the Chicago Bears will not be playing post-season football in an 80 degree climate anytime soon. Considering I don't really give a "rat's ass" about this years game, I will be rooting for the Arizona Cardinals who will likely lose however, anything is better than the Steelers!





Super Bowl Sunday is one football game where like all, is divided into four quarters each fifteen minutes long. Do the math...A one hour game! So why I ask, must this one particular game be stretched out to nearly five hours? It's simple..

• The Food - Mexico has already gotten it's fair share of PR within the first few weeks of 2009. For some reason or another, the "avacado" has risen in popularity and is predicted to enjoy the top honors at this year's Super Bowl parties. One can argue if this shaded dark green/black thing is a fruit or vegetable, but it IS the main ingredient for the beloved guacamole dip! Take the avacado out of the typical appetizer and what you have left is a bland fruit/vegetable with no purpose. Do you eat it like an apple? Do you slice it? Do you sprinkle the thing with salt or sugar? One thing is for sure: Things that are from America have an identity. Maybe if this thing had it's origins in the U.S. like a Ford or a Buick, we'd know what area of the produce aisle to find it?! Sure, you can make the same argument about the "tomato" however, after all these years of debate on what it is, we accept it as fruit and vegetable. Mexico may enjoy fifteen minutes of fame later today but, will be forgotten by tomorrow. Avacados have no connection to the NFL. As a matter of fact, linking it to football is plain silly because what Americans call "football", is actually "soccer" south of the border...
• The "1 second commercial" - Watch for Miller Brewing Company to "cash in" on a new idea here... TiVo the game to see their one second ad for beer. If you happen to yawn, burp, cough, sneeze, or fart, you will miss it. Regardless of how stupid a few spoken words may be, and even if you do happen to miss it, look for whatever is said today to appear on merchandise tomorrow. T-shirts, hats, and key chains to name a few. Brilliant idea? We'll find out soon enough.
• Half-Time Entertainment - When you talk "Patriotism", the first name you'll come across is Bruce Springsteen. I would imagine he'll be cheering for Pittsburgh due to it's hard working, hard living, "coal miner" population. He would have shown up sooner however, Borack Obama wasn't President yet and he didn't have anything worthwhile to promote. There will be lots of hype over his new release, "Working on a Dream". If you enjoy the tunes and wish to "kick it" with The Boss, pull out the charge card afterwards and shell out the ten bucks to download it off iTunes. You may also download this CD absolutely free from a certain website like I did and you'll realize that although he tries hard to get back to his "glory days", as long as his wife is around to contribute ideas for songs, he's just an "Average Joe" with a few radio friendly songs. Either before or after Bruce sings, you can enjoy yet another attempt by a studio to bring 3-D animation to a 2-D television screen. You can get the cheezy red and blue lenses for free at various places and use them again tomorrow for a special episode of "Ed". This will be typical of all previous attempts to make the TV come to life. When watching soething on television with blue and red glasses, you will not see 3-D. You will however, be viewing television with funky colors.
• A LONG game - Finally, let's see how long four quarters 15 minutes each will take to play. All things considered, this will clock in at about five hours from start to finish. It's a good thing that NBC has nothing noteworthy in their Sunday lineup that will be missed. I say again, although I am for an Arizona win, Steelers will end up with the game 20-17. Don't bet on it though!