Here we go again. Don't mind me. I'm ready to smack the taste out of someone's mouth! Yeah, I've been lucky to have had a dozen relatives kick the bucket. Unbeknownstd to me, these people all were in agreement that I should handle their affairs. As a result, I'm too damn good to be writing a blog. But seriously, attached is a letter I got and my response follows. You've probably gotten one of these yourself. If so, feel free to copy and paste my letter back to them. Here's the letter and here's my response. I probably blew my chances of attending fancy dinner parties in my tuxedo.
I am George Smith, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine,by name Mr.Frednand David,who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client,died in a lane crash with members of his family on their way toNewyork for Holidays.See link below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/859479.stmI have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this deposit valued at (US$10.5M) is lodged. This Bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin,orthe account will be confiscated.My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my client,so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage:1. 35% for you2. 60% for me3. 5% for any expenses to be incurred in course of this transaction.All legal documents to back up your claim as my client'snext-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperationto enable us see this Transaction through.This will be executed under alegitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of thelaw. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology.Please contact me at once to indicate your interest.Best regards,ESQ.George Smith.Email: mail@george.la
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Thank the good Lord above for your contacting me about the death of my favorite uncle Fred. I will miss him dearly. I never thought he'd get over the fact that I slept with his second wife. I'm glad it was a plane crash and not me that killed the bastard. Truth is, Fred left the States after hiring a hitman to gun down my Father and take his money worth about $10.5 million bucks that was made as a result of my Father's smart investments in Microsoft and WalMart. While Fred was on the run with a suitcase full of currency, all we were able to afford is a shovel from Home Depot to dig a hole in the backyard and kick him in.
Now, Fred was a grade school teacher for nearly nine years. One thing Fred couldn't stand is people calling him Ferdinand. He was also a stickler with spelling. Who wrote your letter to me, your 7 year old son? There's a fucking button called "spell check". Tell your kid to make use of it!
Finally, before we go any further with this charade, all correspondence will be passed along to the Illinois Attorney General as well as the producers of Dateline NBC. Now, if you give me the runaround, my attorney will be contacting you. You see Sir, that money is mine and you WON'T tell me how much I'm supposed to give you. You don't have me by the nuts. I have YOU by the nuts! Coersion and Misrepresentation are enough to put you in the slammer. Think about that. I know how to hunt you down like a friggin' pitbull. Believe me, by the end of today, I'll find out who you are.
