Time to pack the suitcase, fill the tank with gas, and head out the door...to beautiful WISCONSIN! Wisconsin is akind of a neat place to visit. Not only is it an area of the United States where time, logic, science, and everyday logic combine in a twisted mess of uncertainty. Even "The Twilight Zone" as mysterious as it was, left us with a moral or a lesson learned. This is not the case with Wisconsin. Why anyone would want to vacation there is another mystery however, let's make the first stop of our trip at historic Lambeau Field. Now, most folks head to the stadium to see an NFL game...Oh, they do that in Greenbay however, Lambeau itself is a vacation destination. Just like Epcot Center, you can stay a week and literally see the whole world within walking distance. Just like Epcot, even a weeklong visit isn't enough time to soak it all in. I booked a trip to Lambeau and covered all the bases with one phone call! I got a hotel room inside the stadium with a view of the 50 yard line, and was able to dine at a few "5 star" eateries, do plenty of shopping, and hit the clubs in the stadium at night. No car necessary, and no football game necessary either. I didn't get to see Brett Favre (who remains "retired" as of this writing) in person but, I caught him on ESPN like clockwork each night as he changed his mind over and over about staying retired or coming back "for one more season". If Favre was occupying the only bathroom where I live, I'd pound on the door and yell for him to, "Poop, or get off the pot!" His mind changes more often than the National Debt!
The Wisconsin Dells... Remember the 1970's? If you had a big family and you loved vacations, chances are you would end up here. It seemed that every station wagon in Illinois had a bright orange bumper sticker on the back that advertised "Tommy Bartlett's Water Show". This has always been a destination for folks who want to fool their family as well as themselves, that they are actually going on a "real" vacation. True. "The Dells" was always a nice place to pass through but, in 2008 it is now a shadow of it's former self. Heavy rains, flooding, and mudslides have drained Tommy Bartlett's lake which was home to the famous water-ski show, to a puddle of mud. Take a ride on "The Duck" if you can imagine a vehicle out of the 25th Century that is like a bus except for the fact that it can drive on land as well as in water! You can "ooh" and "ahh" at million dollar lakefront homes that have slid into the mud, and guess where the homeowners are sleeping now. All the tourist attractions remain open but a little "watered down". Old favorites on the boardwalk still reel customers in. These are your wax museums, "Ripley's Believe it or not" museum, and "The Guiness Book of World Records" museum where Sandy Allen, the world's tallest living woman sometimes visits to pose for pictures. It's good, sloppy fun!
The Smorgasboards! The search for good eating always ends at one of these places. They can be seen from miles away because Paul Bunyan and "Babe" the blue Ox stand guard outside the restaurant. Breakfast will find you sitting at a long picnic table with people you don't know while enjoying all-you-can-eat flapjacks and sausages served on a tin plate. You can be as messy as you want and eat as much as you want, and don't forget to wipe your face with the big red checkered napkin before you visit the gift shop full of odds and ends that you'll buy and never find any use for or need to display above the fireplace mantle. Come back for dinner and do it all over with a different item every night. Depending on the day of the week, you can choose speghetti, chicken, ribs, prime rib, or fish. Just like the movies, if you eat it all up (including the bones, fat, and grizzle) they'll waive the $19 a plate off your bill and take a Polaroid for the wall
The Indian Casinos... Native Americans have enjoyed gambling for ages. Ever since they invited the white men to share dinner with them, they've been literally "rolling the dice". Friendship with new settlers resulted in land aquisitions and property takeovers which lead to the current sad state of the people who were here first. The crying Indian started crying here! The hills and valleys where deer and buffalo once roamed between a cascade of beautiful forest have been turned into a mega-complex of sin and greed where visitors can enjoy the day and lose everything they own over a game of "Texas Hold 'Em". Now, it may be true that the majority of Native Americans suffer from gambling issues, alcoholism, and other forms of addiction that would bring a tear to anyone's eye however, these guys wipe away the tears when the Wells Fargo truck pulls up to collect the days earnings to deposit at the bank. Just like Vegas, there isn't a clock to be found in the casino, and no Robert DeNiro or Joe Pesci either. I always stick to the $5 slots of "Double Diamond" so I can make a clean break in about ten minutes. Contrary to belief, there are no Schlitz, Hamms, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or Old Style found anywhere in Wisconsin except for where the stuff is made and bottled. After the trip I get back, kick off my shoes, and see Favre on ESPN where less than five minutes ago he's decided that retirement isn't a good idea. Cheers to ya!
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