"In Memorium..."

"VH-1 Presents: Sober House"

Considering I experience at least a half a dozen sleepless nights during the week, it's always nice to know that in the world of CATV I can always "tune in" to a program that I overlooked days before. When it comes to reality shows featuring bankrupt, drug addicted celebrities at wit's end, VH-1 is the place to go. It's quite entertaining. Around Christmas, I took my shot at giving a popular show some "Poetic Justice". Well, the eight week long show finally came to an end. It came as no surprise to me that the specific people I wrote about for the most part, failed the program. A tiny few were able to squeak by and "Graduate" to the "Sober House", the follow-up series to the original "Rehab". It's my job to put the Kabosh on their progress as I bring you up to date on what you may have missed... in another poem...

"Step two in recovery is living alone,
still no no drinking or drugging allowed in the home.

The residents are all dressed to go out to the bars,

despite all their problems and the fact they are stars!

Dr. Drew Pinsky is still the group's shrink,

but who is he kidding to think they won't drink?

It had just been an hour and a quarter past ten,

when the first call came in to say, "We're all drinking again"

Drew shook his head then he slammed down the phone,

he then hopped in the car to get the group home.

"I thought I could trust you, you gave me your word."

Then Andy Dick laughed and said, "Drew, how absurd!"

"We're all addicts, you know and we're not gonna stop..."

"Just one more round barkeep I'm ready to drop!"

While planning his exit and eying the door,

Andy Dick pooped his pants and threw up on the floor

"We're going to treatment" were the words that were said,

Stephen Adler agreed and even nodded his head.

They agreed that they'd all do the program again,

so long as Drew Pinsky allows heroin.

Be it booze, pills or crack or a combo of thee,

the drama survives for the next "Season 3"

"The Fence-Hoppers Guide to the 2009 Chicago Auto Show"

" Here's a new concept for all the automakers: Cancel the next Auto Show!"

This past weekend marked the opening of the "2009 Chicago Auto Show". The annual event celebrates the show's 100th year in business. This thing is still a big deal to someone because, despite having to take out a second mortgage just to get the family in the door, once you're inside you realize that there's no way in hell you could ever afford one of the cars on display anyway! Let me save you the time and the money from attending the event as I take the family and "hop the fennce" to sneak into a show that, with all the troubles the auto industry is facing, should probably end sooner than later...

• The cars we'll never, ever see on the road - The industry calls these vehicles "concept cars". It's some developers crazy "middle-of-the-night" dream where he or she thinks up an idea and scribbles or sketchhes it on a notepad to get back to in the morning. They'll bring the idea up at the next meeting and a small percentage will pass through to the next step while the others will be scrapped. The ones that make it from paper to computer to a slab of clay are then held up in a long waiting line that may take a decade made up of time, money, testing, analysis,model making, and maybe a prototype in full scale. A few million bucks later, a place like GM produces about half a dozen actual cars that end up on display at places like these shows. They will never be mass produced or see the street however, this is the biggest draw of every years show since the beginning. Considering the money wasted on goofy ideas, we are told that automakers use these to pick out odds and ends of the car that will one day be useful or should I say, "practical". With some of the outlandish ideas from the 1950's, we'd be commuting back and forth to the moon to go to work in our "rocket car" in 2009. Take the examples in the photos here from a few different decades and then tell me if any of this technology is common on a car today...By the way, the last time anyone went to the moon was 1971. If NASA can't afford to go there, how are we supposed to go? Sure, some people will argue that inventions like the "air bag" were part of a concept car idea in 1960 that we take for granted today. Truth is, are we ever going to need 12 video cameras on a car instead of windows and mirrors? Well, at least that makes more sense to me than suggesting we need a DVD player and XBox for each passenger in the car!
• The Electric Car - Years to develop and actually mass produced by GM, they tried to force people to buy the ugly looking things but nobody took the bait. In one of the original government bailouts to help automakers, all the cars were part of a package where the government bought them back, ate the loss, and had them melted down. Now that we worry about the future of oil once again, they revamped the idea into what they call a "hybrid" that works on both gas and electric. The big selling point for a vehicle like this besides being eco-friendly is, you can travel a whopping 40 miles before you run out of juice and have to switch over to gas. They say that we'll soon see the cars come with cords that plug into any household outlet. Who will sit around and wait all night for the battery to charge before you can continue on your way? I don't know about you, but my surge protector already "overfloweth" with plugs from the computer, TV, VCR, DVD, Cable Box, Stereo, etc.... the last thing I need to do is plug in the car!
• The Amphicar and The Pontiac Aztec- Two more cars that made it however, ended up D.O.A. The first one was a car that could also float and run as a boat. A good idea that didn't sell. This is an idea however, that should be thought over again primarily for the idiots who travel after a flash flood, see a puddle of water in the road, and conclude they can drive through it. Before being swept away by the currents, you could easily boat back to safety or at least be able to fish from the driver's seat while waiting for help to arrive. Meanwhile, remember the Pontiac Aztec? Considered one of the biggest flops that GM ever produced, it was considered "too ugly" for the road when it debuted in the 90's. While that idea flopped, almost the same exact body style was brought back to life in the form of the Toyota Prius ironically, their best selling model ever with a waiting list for buyers.

Maybe everyone involved in deciding the status of the auto industry the next time they come to Washington for help should remind them of all the money that was flushed down the toilet the last 100 years. Maybe they also need to realize that no matter how much places like Ford and GM "sweetin the deal" while approaching you to purchase a new car, a gasoline powered $17,000 vehicle is a lot more within people's means than a $45,000 hybrid. Save your money this time around by eating the hot dog and chips at home and hop the fence if you just "have to go". You will only miss one great idea that will be reality very soon...

The Illinois Barack Obama license plate. The special vanity plates will cost $30 and be valid for 90 days and can then be renewed. This is the latest attempt to help the struggling economic mess in Illinois. I'm not a fortune teller however I will say the odds of this license plate actually staying on anyone's car for 90 minutes would be a stretch, let alone 90 days! Do yourself a favor and nix the plate just because of what you'll have to go through to report it stolen. If you want to let someone take a $30 collector's item from the car, leave a blank check on the passenger seat of the car while parked at the mall with the door unlocked!

"Cupid's poor eyesight rekindles a Valentine's Heart On for an Ex"

When it comes to romance and being "the ideal mate", the last person you'd consider to fill the shoes would be Drew Peterson. The former cop is now best known for making people vanish without a trace. He's done such a good job that perhaps David Copperfield should get in touch with him for some pointers! As if Drew Peterson's odd behavior isn't enough to make his stories suspicious, through all the pain and agony of losing four wives by accident, Drew still has a special place in his heart for love. The random one-liners and sarcasm that Drew likes to spew out on the local news has given us a glimpse of the "bizzaro" world of romance that can't be found on the inside of any Hallmark card. If you thinks he's a little bit nuts, check out Drew's latest flame. A 23 year old emotional mess who has already been part of the media power struggle however, most recently wiped the slate clean and moved back into Drew's home. While I'm tired of seeing these two on television, when a few days pass without seeing one of these two isiots on "Good Morning America", I have to think the worst. On this Valentine's Day, I remind the couple that arguing around the clock is no foundation for a good relationship. Besides, in the end Drew will always win the argument. If this girl has any brains at all, she needs to go out to the garage and look at the 55 gallon blue drum in the corner to see if her name is painted on it...