"Blogging about Blagojevich Bonanza!"

They call him, "Blah-Goy-Oh-Vich". He was damn proud to be Governor of Illinois and by golly, he still is! Nevermind the fact that being leader of "The Land of Lincoln" has always been notorious for corruption, lies, cheating and stealing... Nevermind the fact that those before him have gone from three piece suits to black and white stripes and pounding out metal vanity license plates, this time was going to be different, It was. All previous Governors before "Blago" had only ended up in the slammer for crooked politics before or after their role as Governor. "Blago" just added a new dimensio to how we define a person's character by breaking the law while still in office! It goes back to the day when the cordless phone went on the market. The nice salesman at Radio Shack warned me, "Be careful what you say on the telephone...someone might be listening". A lesson that has stuck with me to this day. Unfortunately, the soon-to-be jailbird found himself at the receiving end of what he thought to be a birthday hoax by "Punk'd" however, no Ashton Kutchner and no MTV. On Monday morning "Blago" answered the door in his pajamas only to find the FBI on his front stoop with arrest warrant in hand.

• The world's most expensive chair. You won't see this chair on PBS' "Antique Roadshow". "eBay", or for sale in "The Penny Saver". NO. It's not actually a chair like you see in the photo however, it's called a "seat". A "Senate Seat" to be exact. The last person to rest his cheeks on the seat was Sen. Borack Obama. If the rules to refill this vacancy were followed in accordance with the law, "Blago" would have awarded this spot to the candidate most worthy however, in an opportunity to make some quick cash, the seat would be discovered to come with a few stipulations including a pair of slacks with pockets that stretch to the ankle. The lucky candidate would have the responsibility of representing Illinois in Washington as well as putting groceries on "Blago's" table. While the Feds were listening in on the phone, he and his wife continued with their reckless behavior, salty language, and trying to oust the editorial staff of the Chicago Tribune using the sale of the Chicago Cubs as a pawn in the game. As of tonight, "Blago" is still in office however, the walls are closing in. He's yet to speak to the citizens of the state of Illinois
• The Numbers Game - Earlier this week, a shocked soon-to-be President Obama addressed the issue of the Governor in one of his daily press conferences. While not going into too much detail, Obama mentioned that he himself was involved in one of "Blago's" profanity laced rants caught on tape. Up until this week, the 1990's Robert DeNiro flick, "Casino" was listed in the Guiness Book as the only film to cram an average of 110 "f-Bombs" a minute in it's total running time of 132 minutes. In comparison, the "Blago" tapes contained as many "F-Bombs" within the realm of 8 minutes or, nearly 12 times as many "F-Bombs" contained within the debut recording of The Jerky Boys prank phone calls from 1995. That's a number that would even make a person like Tony Soprano cringe and feel ashamed of! Good for you, "BLAGO"!
• When "Blago" is ready to speak. I'll be there to ask the questions others are afraid to ask. I've been brushing up on my reporting skills this week. I'm no Geraldo Rivera by any means however, I'll pull out my faux "Press Pass" and show up in Chicago at the State of Illinois building ready to fire away. Here's some examples of what I will ask the fallen Governor:

1) When you get to jail, are they going to allow that cat you have on your head?

2) I'd go with the orange jumpsuit. The horizontal stripes make you look fat.

3) What will the new State slogan be? How anout, "The Black Eye State" or "The Land of Lyin', Cheatin' and Stealin'?"

4) Do you and your wife kiss your daughters goodnight with those dirty mouths?

5) You mean that you never got the postcard in the mail from AT&T about possible security issues with the phone lines in your neighborhood?

Let's face it, Santa Claus will still come around even in prison. A letter will be placed in the Governor's stocking that says, "Dear Rodney... I'm not gonna bother to even stick coal in your sock this year, hell, I'm given you the deed to the whole F***in' coalmine! Ho! Ho! Ho! You JACKASS!"

"Yacketty Yack...Don't talk back!"

As the end of the year approaches quickly and my "Writers Strike" has tentatively come to an agreement, it's time to look back to weeks past and vidit some of the top stories that were missed. The first thing on the agenda for this post is a focus on the people who normally report the gossip and have since become the subject of gossip themselves! Here it a recap of "Talk Show Moments You May Have Missed"

• Jay Leno gets his own "last laugh" - It's true. When Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1991, NBC Execs made it clear that his replacing Johnny Carson wouldn't be a permanent thing although, in the end it seems that way. Conan O' Brien was guaranteed the spot after Leno retired. That time has come however, Leno was given an extension on his contract which will keep him at the Peacock Network for a long time to come. Not to worry though, Conan still gets the gig come May and Leno? He gets a newly created talk show that will air nightly, be named something else, but will be of the same format as the Tonight Show. What do we get? TWO Tonight Shows. Quite frankly, one is more than enough. I say, put Leno on at 3:00 in the afternoon where the majority of his audience is still awake. Who ever said Leno was funny in the first place?
• Oprah gets a guest spot on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ty Pennington and Co. can swing around hammers like crazy and shoot nail guns quicker than Clint Eastwood an high noon. Can Oprah get fixed? Oprah went on television to admit she's losing the battle with her weight. She's tipping the scales at over 200 lbs again! She's fat and depressed and addicted to food...AGAIN. She also said she will relocate her talk show to Washington D.C. for next season. Oprah has no willpower when it comes to dining out in Chicago and pins the blame on such things as deep dish pizza, Italian beef, and Eli's Cheescake. Things ought to better for her in D.C. as she'll be dining with her good pals the Obama's frequently. Not only does the President have the power to have all three of these things delivered to Washington as he enjoys them himself but, the Top Chef at the White House has a special knack for whipping up chicken fried steak, mac and cheese, and sweet potato pie! If Stedman isn't out of the picture completely yet, he will be now.
• A Few of Their Favorite Things: It was like a scene straight out of a UAW meeting announcing plant closings when the hype over Oprah's annual "Favorite Things" show fizzled. An angry mob of women who slept on the cold cement for a few days hoping to fill their cars with Oprah's lavish giveaways were left speechless when Oprah told her audience that the current state of the economy didn't leave her feeling comfortable with showering them with expensive Christmas gifts. "instead" she said, I'm giving a gift that comes straight from my heart to yours...a gift that keeps on giving. A good book!" The gasped as she continued, "It doesn't even have to be brand new. A used book is just as good and more personal!" The women removed their ripped, torn, and moldy reading material from under their chairs and went home angry. Oprah was a cheapskate! However, down the dial on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Ellen put one over on Oprah by giving away HDTV's, video cameras, and the impossible hard to find Nintendo Wii to everyone in her audience for an ENTIRE WEEK! Oprah is a Democrat and Ellen is a lesbian.
• Rosie is THE MAN! A good debate about "Proposition 8", Donald Trump, and the cast of The View wouldn't be complete without the input of Rosie O' Donnell. For a while there, Rosie had the world by the balls however, her hate for the male species and sharp tongue has now derailed any future prospects of...well, a future. Around Thanksgiving, Rosie announced a big return to television with a new variety show. She said it would be different but, I guess,she hadn't ever heard of The Smothers Brothers, Dean Martin, Flip Wilson, Donny and Marie, and Carol Burnett. Her show struggled through it's first hour and then that was it...Kaputz. Instead of taking the defeat like a man, Rosie decided to rattle the the bones of former friend turned nemesis, Barbara Walters for the 60 minute disaster. Rosie immediately took all of her negative remarks, vulgarity and slander to her website to tell the world that Barbara Walters signed her death certificate. Rosie can sometimes act so GAY. Err, wait a minute. Sorry.

• The SNL/Weekend Update story that never made it to television last week: All was good during the rehearsals until NBC's Standards and Practices "red flagged" the fianl Weekend Update story...

Seth Meyers: "Finally tonight, the grounds crew at the White House are busy putting the finishing touches on the 2008 holiday decorations and trying to make a smooth transition for the arrival of President Elect Obama. For the first time ever, an African American version of the traditional nativity scene will be placed out front to greet visitors. When asked why only the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus were present in the display, a White House spokesman was quick to point out that once St. Joseph and the Three Kings learned Mary was having a baby, all four men immediately left town."

Yeah, I guess that was "kinda" tacky!

The New America: "A tale of two Presidents"

Who is running the USA right now? This isn't a trick question dear friends. History has been revamped without anyone but the folks in D.C. knowing anything about it. If there was an Amendment to the U.S. Constitution on the ballot on Election Day 2008 to suggest having more than one President at once, perhaps I missed it. Well, that's what we have here until January 20th 2009. While Barack Obama is anxious to "hit the ground running", let us not forget about the people who put us in this sticky situation... moving day for him arrives on that big day in January with a U-Haul back to Texas! Now, I got to thinking about this gray area we're in for the next fifty something days. We've heard virtually nothing from President Bush as of late however, on the other hand, President Obama has managed to interrupt the news at noon every single day this week. All things considered. should anything get worse than it already is within the next few weeks, who should take the blame? One of these two Presidents need to take a step back and decide on who is running the show. That's the big question for this week. Check out the poll to the right and vote on which President should take the heat for anything that may pop up for the next month or so!

"And the winner is...Dr. Pepper??"

Call me crazy or maybe, Dick Clark needs to go back to the "School of Rock" to get up to speed on what's going on in the music world.. Sure, there once was a time when The Rolling Stones, The Jackson 5, Marvin Gaye and The Beatles all joined together in the "Top 40" music charts and got along in perfect harmony however, in 2008 it seems Mr. Clark is unaware of music genres... a very good reason to seriously take a look at Clark's alternative version of The Grammys otherwise known as the American Music Awards. Last night's show on ABC was a mismatch of the talented and talentless. I made it through 30 minutes before moving on to football although, I made sure to periodically check in to see what was going on. Here's some random blurbs compiled in a brief way in case you happened to miss the show.

• The Jimmy Kimmel approach - When Jimmy Kimmel was given an hour for his own talk show more than six years ago, he didn't know what he was getting himself into. The guy is funny however gets no respect from ABC/Disney. Whenever somthing isn't working quite right, the network brings in Kimmel to rescue the evening. The guy must either have a heart of gold, or a head filled with stupidity. While he's bailed out the network on several occasions like the AMA's, a looming threat of replacing his show with Jay Leno in 2009 is constantly hanging over his head. This guy doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Sunday night's show was a disaster and critics were quick to point out that Kimmel was the host. So what? The man behind the curtain who called all the shots was none other than Dick Clark. I knew I was in trouble as soon as I heard the contenders in the category of "Male Rock Artist of the Year" which included Kid Rock, Kanye West, Chris Brown and Jay Z. Putting Kid Rock aside, since when are these other guys considered "Rock N' Rollers"? What about AC/DC and Metallica among others? With that kind of logic happening, I'm shocked that those two weren't put in the category of Country.
• Stone Temple Pilots...are they still a group or not? When singer Scott Weiland left rehab for the 25th time last year, he left "clean and sober" and wiped the slate clean however, when all was said and done, he managed to get himself kicked out of the 1990's award winning group STP because of his drug habits. A few years later, Weiland joined forces with former Guns N' Roses axeman, Slash for a group called, "Velvet Revolver". After two CD's, Slash and the group kicked him out too. At the beginning of this year, Weiland made peace with STP and rejoined them for a limited concert tour that happened to swing through Chicago. They were doing new material and rumoured to be working on a new album. So, what happened? I guess all bets are off with the guy because he just released a solo CD and was invited to introduce pop0star, Pink. Weiland, who was clearly out of it came to the podium to add a bit of humor by inviting viewers to watch Pink perform her song, "Sober". Weiland will appear on Kimmel's late night show this week. PLEASE, don't try and tell me that his intro was somehow part of a script. This guy has serious troubles and should perhaps start making friends with Dr. Drew Pinsky.
• Be on your best behavior at all times...Jesus is your number one critic and he's watching! Give him the props he deserves! Thinking about it now, maybe I should print this post out and send it to Jesus. He was the Executive Producer of the AMA's and deserves both the credit and complaints. Every winner of the evening that I happened to see thanked Jesus for everything that took place. It's hard to imagine however I guess possible, that Jesus put all of his prayers and requests aside for three hours to give Dick Clark a helping hand. "...And on the 7th Day, He rested" and I hope that was the case. Perhaps someone was walking through the theatre pretending to be Jesus however, I doubt the "real" Jesus had time to book the talent. While everyone was in a rush to thank Him for their award, the sorry excuses for stage performances and the crazy backsatge antics of drinking and drugging and 16 year old girls like Miley Cyrus running around with in a tight dress with her boobs falling out went on without a hitch. Hey, don't thank Jesus. If anything, don't mention him. He's ashamed of you and quite frankly, I think he had other priorities that evening other than a lame award show!
• The free bottle of Dr. Pepper factor - The former pharmacist and defector from the Coca-Cola company who came up with the formula for a new soft drink was clearly the BIG winner on Sunday. With the release of their 17 year old project coming to an end, Guns N' Roses and Dr. Pepper promised to deliver on their guarantee every American will get a free 20 oz. bottle of pop by printing a special coupon off of their website. Not a good idea. Their website crashed for the whole day due to high demand and if you were lucky enough to get through, you were given an 800 number to call. Problem is, dialing that number would result in an "All circuits are busy" recording. Feeling the heat, Dr. Pepper extended the offer to a 48 hour time limit however, that still wasn't long enough. Many folks (including myself) couldn't get through and there may be a few reasons why...1) They didn't do the math otherwise, they would have known that 48 hours wasn't enough time to register every person in America. 2) The economy is so bad that people like me would spend 48 hours hitting "redial" on the phone in order to get a 20 oz. bottle of pop, and 3) If they ever make an announcement like that again, it won't be for at least ANOTHER 17 years.

The bottom line? Even though I never got my free soda, at least it distracted me long enough to turn off a stupid AMA award show and a so-so football game. I suppose I did win something in the end.