A very special "thanks" from John McCain

When the final votes are counted ten days from now, it will be time for the losing party to go on TV and say a few words of thanks to everyone that put a lot of time, effort and money into the candidate's campaign. While Borack Obama is still deciding if he wants cake, ice cream or both as a dessert for what will probably a victory dinner in Chicago's Grant Park for supporters, McCain is already working on who to thank on his behalf. John will be too busy that night to talk to Fox News or anyone else however, he wants to thank all his dear friends for their support. Especially after the events of the last few days. Now, please let John get some well deserved rest as I get the "thank you" notes started for him...

• "My dear friend, Sarah Palin" -Thanks. Because of you, it's been a tremendous season thus far for SNL, Tina Fey, and 30 Rock. Don't think any of your candid interviews with reporters hurt me... you did the best you can, like the other day when a reporter asked you what you planned on doing the next few years. True, it would have helped for you to say you'd be working in The White House with me however, you said you see yourself at home with the family and continuing your role there as a Mom. At least you were being honest!
• My dear friend and loving brother, Joe. Thanks Joe. You got stuck in traffic for a while and got angry enough to call 911 on your cell phone to complain. I'm sorry that after you cursed the guy up and down before slamming the phone, he called back to tell you that the number you dialed isn't for playing games, only emergencies. I feel I should be responsible. Afterall, you told the nice fella that you were my brother thinking that may help however, that only got you into more trouble. You're still my brother and I love you besides, we share the same blood and the same surname and there's always a drunk somewhere in the family! You'll bounce back soon. Take a look back on Billy Carter and Roger Clinton!
• My dear friends at MTV. Thank you for finally realizing that "Viva La Bam, Jackass, and Paris Hilton's New BFF" shows no longer encourage the young people to vote as often as you did years ago when Bill Clinton ran for office. The truth is, skateboarding, Hip Hop, Diddy, and lighting your farts on fire have nothing to do with politics in the first place. Matter of fact, take all that crap off the air and go back to the day before there was YouTube and you guys actually had a good thing going. Think about it...are Johnny Knoxville and Paris Hilton gonna make the kids vote or give them more reason not to get out of bed and turn off the TV?
• My dear friends who worked my campaign -You all did a great job right up until the end especially, the lady working for me that pretended she was ambushed by an angry group of Obama supporters who kicked, slapped, and beat the hell out of her before carving the letter "B" into her face. It was funny. You were just participating in the annual tradition of Halloween pranks. It had no effect on my cause. In fact, it took me back to the story of Hester Prynne, the lady who wore the red scarlett letter "A". Perhaps your name will come up in a future work of fiction for grade school kids to read. But seriously, that was kind of a bad thing you did to me, isn't it?
  

"The Ghost Poop"

WARNING! Today's post deals with "Bathroom Humor". Some readers may find the following story entertaining or disgusting. This is for mature readers only! Besides, young kids shouldn't be reading this crap anyway. Put them to bed!

I remember it as clear as day. Almost as if it happened yesterday. Wait a minute! It DID happen yesterday. It was an event so scary that I didn't fall asleep until Conan O' Brien came on the television at 11:35 PM! My friends, it was hard to imagine... A few hours earlier I had stumbled onto something that I didn't expect! It was my realization that the big bathroom in the house was haunted! Now, don't get me wrong...I often hear stories like this late at night in the woods with the Girl Scouts...(oops!) I mean, "The Fellas".

"Even Febreeze wasn't even able to save the day!"

I knew from the moment I awoke yesterday morning that I was feeling in "tip top" shape. A day like this doesn't come around too often. You see, I like things "hot". I'll put red pepper flakes on anything I eat. I stop when it comes to cereal in the morning. I've got a history where spicing things up results in at least one day of Hell. Stomach cramps are not unusual and are usually quickly fixed due to the wide selection of over the counter antacids. I knew things may get bad, so I got myself ready with a new Pepto Bismol within easy reach. Lunch rolled around and I was really getting in over my head. I made a salad and cut up some hot peppers, mushrooms, carrots, onions and celery. The final steps were to sprinkle a generous amount of red pepper flakes and top the whole thing off with a nice couple of tablespoons of my favorite Jalapeno/Ranch dressing. By the way, whoever suggested crackers or anything dairy after giving your mouth the 3rd degree is wrong. Believe you me, water just makes things worse! I ate and cleaned up the dirty dishes and then, you guessed it, not even a half an hour later my stomach was a mess! I grabbed a couple newspapers, a Rolling Stone magazine, and a radio. This was the setup for what may have been a long stay. Finally, after 10 seconds or so, all hell broke loose and that was it. I used a bath towel to wipe away the sweat. It was Intense and stinky. Even Febreeze wasn't even able to save the day! When I pulled up my britches and turned around to see the "fruits" of my labor, there was nothing in the toilet! Empty! I looked in the mirror and asked myself over and over again, "Where did it go?!" No markings. No nothing. All evidence is gone, or is it? Now, this wasn't the first time I've dealt with the supernatural. It has happened before. All I want to know is who took it and why! Was it a ghost or is this somehow connected to "Area 51" in the Arizona desert? Perhaps aliens from another dimension are using the DNA to make a new society of smelly people??!! Thinking it was all a bad dream, I traced my steps this morning and no luck. The toilet was still empty and the poop was gone without a trace. Now, I'm sure this has happened to all of you HOWEVER, where does it go? I'm too scared to imagine I may bump into this evil one day!

"People say (and do) the darnest things!"

Harvey, IL. The mail always gets delivered no matter what the circumstances or weather conditions may be. This was always the mail carrier's motto in this small, but violent Suburban town in Chicago. Until now. Chaos and panic took to the streets this Monday when some fifty homes found out the mail delivery had suddenly stopped without warning. Most residents there always go the extra mile to make sure all their bills are paid on time. One resident of the area became concerned that his five cell phones would get turned off and his Lexus would be taken away due to late late payments. What he found out was that a female carrier had suddenly given up her route and was "too scared" to deliver mail after being caught in the middle of gang crossfire just last week. The USPS took her side and agreed that this sets a new precident and delivering mail there is not worth the risk of something "postal" happening. After a meeting between several members of the town's Council, the USPS and Harvey police officials, everyone walked away agreeing that the poor woman have a patrol officer on foot accompany her on her delivery. Nice, eh? Even more amazing is the fact that lady who was too afraid to give her identity or speak to news crews, was still captured on tape by all the local channels walking her route with the cop. If that wasn't easy enough to figure out who the woman was, the showed her and the cop walking past a street sign. I guess if you want to get her, you can do it thanks to this mistake by reporters. If not, look for the white truck and police cruiser parked behind one another at the end of the block. To fight back, this lady needs her own gun and Anthrax when walking. Not "Anthrax" the white powder... "Anthrax" the ddisbanded heavy metal group from the 80's and 90's! They're scary looking for starters, and probably have a lot of free time to help assist. It's only a thought. By the way taxpayersm this escort was for one day only. You won't pay for it until postage goes up another dime early next year!

• With only a few days to go before voting for our next President, it's time to decide not only who is able to get us out of the mess, we must now examine the brains of Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. God forbid one of these two are ever given permission to take the car keys and drive the USA should anything bad happen to the President. All you need is a small group made up of Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, Keith Oberman and Jeff Foxworthy to get together and see how smart both of the hopefuls are. Take the remarks of Joe Biden who appeared on ABC Nightly News. Earlier that day, a group of little kids came up with some important questions and then Charlie put Biden on the spot for an answer. Now, one kid asked what a "Recession" is all about and if we're in one (A question that I'm sure was ghost written by his teacher). Biden started babbling nonsense and started on the subject of "The Great Depression" explaining that it was indeed a "tough time" in history however, President FDR often went on television to assure it wouldn't last forever. Two problems: 1) FDR was NOT the President during that time and 2) Television wouldn't be invented yet for several more years> Oops! Then there's Palin who always comes under fire for anything she says or does. She was a little bit off track when asked what her duties as VP would be, confusing her responsibilities with the leader of the US Senate. First things first come January...I'm sending a CD-ROM of Encyclopedia Brittanica to Washington so someone can get a refresher course in History. What a shame!
• Throwing a dart at the board of silly news brings us to our spot just outside of Cleveland. An 89 year old woman gets taken away by the cops for not returning the next door neighbor kid's football. I'm sure you heard about this somewhere in recent days. This story isn't unusual. Every town in America has a cranky Senior Citizen that's afraid of death and takes it out by holding a troublesome toy for ransom once it crosses the property line. Growing up, we had one of those people on our block that would make a big issue out of anything that made it over the top of the fence and into her yard. It's a good thing to see that some things never change! In this case, the kid's father called 911 when the old, cranky lady took the football. A football that according to dad, was purchased by his son. The football itself must have been priceless as dad said his "tweenage" son worked the "whole summer" as a caddy to earn the money to buy the ball. I automatically assumed there had to be more to this. Maybe this was an autographed ball signed by a Hall of Famer or maybe an entire roster from a past Super Bowl winning team... Not so. This was bought right off the shelf at Sports Authority. Everyone on both sides of that fence has got to be kidding! The old woman stands firm that she's taking that ball to the grave. The kids parent's aren't too excited at the outcome because after the story made it to the news, protesters were able to convince them the charges be dropped.. Back in my day in the 1970's, there were actually three things the lady across the way would love to go out and grab. First one was a simple little parachute which had a little rubber guy on the bottom. When you threw it up in the air, it would slowly open up and sail back to the ground (the number of these things lost forever is unknown. They always ended up in someone's gutters and had to be removed before the next big rain event. Two other things were big too: WHAM-O's "Superball" and anything "Nerf". There were many WHAM-O variations of the ball that we never saw again...a "super baseball", "super dice and marbles" and assorted Nerf rockets, footballs, etc...Like the lady in Ohio, our neighbor kept these things and always said she would take them with her when she died. When she passed years ago approaching 100, she kept her word. There they were lying next her in the casket. No one had the guts to get these collector's items back! Anyone got a shovel?

Joe the Plumber: Strip #1 "Operation ACORNholio"