"Censored from Beijing"

Nearly a week after the opening ceremonies, the 2008 Beijing Olympics are well under way in Communist China. Because of censorship, NBC television can only show you what China wants to see. As always, there are plenty of unanswered questions. Here are a few:

1. Who was responsible for the Chinese National Anthem "switch-a-roo" and now that the cat's out of the bag, is the whistleblower in prison? Simply put...OF COURSE! How long did you think it would actually take for the Chinese to duplicate one of America's most famous tricks in show buisness: "lip-synching"?!! Milli-Vanilli did it and so did Ashley Simpson. The only difference there is, it took a while for us lame brained Americans to catch on. The fact is, we're wiser now. It only took a day to catch this blunder. The reality of all of this is that even though a t-shirt with Mao Tse Tung's face on it is still a hot seller at Chinese gift shops, taking a little homely girls singing voice and getting a "cute" little girl to "sing" the song on tv may be cruel, but it's a brilliant idea that is as red, white, and blue as America! Besides, in the end, both the ugly and cute kid got their 15 minutes of fame.
2. Since when has shooting a gun turned into an "Olympic Sport"? I've seen plenty of strange things, but this idea is the most bizzare of all of them. Charles Gibson ended yesterday's ABC Nightly News with a story about a 58 year old woman who is a "sharp shooter" and qualified as the oldest active participant in Olympic history because of her trigger finger. I realize that over the course of time, many things get added to the competition however, how long has shooting a handgun been considered a sport? As I recall the history of the Olympiad in ancient Greece, chariot races, running and maybe a shotput or javelin thrown in for the hell of it was about as far as it went. If shooting is now a ticket to compete in the olympics, Chicago should have gone after hosting the 2008 Olympics rather than bidding on 2016. The United States would win the gold in no contest, hands down. There already are quite a few odd events in the games...Why not add "drive-bys"?
3. Yao Ming. The name literally ricochets off the tip of your tongue. Remember the big stink a few years ago when The Houston Rockets drafted this 7 foot tall monster from China and gave him a multi-million dollar contract. The first season he was with the NBA, Ming's ugly face was all over the place on television. He was selling everything from American Express cards to Big Macs and raking in lots of money on the side. His ugly mug makes a head shot of Godzilla look like George Clooney and still, this giant freak-a-zoid remains a big draw on U.S. basketball courts. Americans have recently embraced the color green for everything so, why then, was this young man so put off to be a part of "Team USA" and go back home to be part of "Team China"? China's money is red so, someone needs to ask this guy while he's driving around in his Ferarri if he can understand what color a stop sign is. Does he stop or does he go? If he's not colorblind, he's simply taking advantage of a good thing. Never mind that the NBA puts food on his table. He says that his intentions were made clear at his signing that he would represent China. Good for him. I hope Homeland Security seized his suitcases full of $100 bills at the airport before he left...but I doubt it.

"Chef cooks up one last dish!"

"They would have wanted it this way. (OK, maybe not Isaac Hayes)" The entertainment world lost two of it's very own this past weekend and I would really feel lousy to overlook either one. The first one to cash in his chips was Isaac Hayes. Old folks like me will best remember him for his early 1970's when his song "Shaft" drom the movie of the same name, made it to the top of the charts. Don't kid yourself...this guy put out a lot of records since then and always had a large following. Women especially loved his deep baritone voice and found him "Sex-ay". All the whippersnappers out there can probably remember his contribution as the voice of "Chef" on Comedy Central's South Park. Hayes was always more than happy to lampoon himself in the cartoon however, he blew a gasket when writers of the show decided to poke fun at his religious beliefs. He was a Scientologist. After demanding a public apology that never came to be, Hayes packed up his stuff and left the show. His final "commercial" appearance came in the way of singing a jingle for Burger King. It was always believed that fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise had advised Hayes to quit the show regardless of who apologized. Hayes agreed that continuing on would cause L. Ron Hubbard to burn his soul for all eternity once he died and lived his final days under a dark cloud of dispair until he succombed to death on his own terms by suffering a fatal heart attack. Never the less, he will be missed. Now SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

What were you doing when you learned that Bernie Mac died? I was at home watching the news and hearing about Isaac Hayes dying when they snuck this one in. Bernie Mac was a guy with medical problems -LOTS! To hear the Chicago comedian was resting in the hospital never surprised me but this time, his stay was kept somewhat of a secret. All the tabloid/gossip shows worked overtime to find out where he was and what was wrong with the guy. Towards the end they say he had pneaumonia and THAT'S what killed him. I'm not so sure. This is where people tend to disagree with me. He was a workaholic who was always on the move and coming up with new projects. The truth is, his movies stunk. He was the black man's answer to "Ernest" in that he was always fumbling and goofing around on screen like an idiot. Not to mention, he had a thing for taking old scripts from classic movies and re-tooling them over to include a cast made up entirely of his family and friends.. If you or someone you know bought Bernie's rip-offs of Caddyshack and National Lampoon's Vacation on DVD and under different titles, can you honestly say that you ever broke the seal and took off the wrapper? Bernie Mac's movies take up nearly a whole aisle at Best Buy and usually sell three for $10.00. Bernie's show on Fox wasn't funny either. Seinfeld went off the air ten years ago and Bernie was one of the lucky ones that got a show later on when every comedian funny or not, man or woman, white, black or Mexican were given their own show. Now that's not to say that Bernie wasn't funny. You set the guy loose on HBO for an hour and he'd have you laughing. Too bad not everyone is lucky enough to have cable. Well, Bernie was a family man and earned an honest living too. Like many funny comedians, Bernie's death was untimely and for what it's worth, God bless him too!

"Chef cooks up one last dish!"

"Freeman, Feldman, and Favre: Revisited"

The Electric Company's rolling blackouts hit Hollywood hard! Morgan Freeman, the bookworm turned actor was finally released from the hospital following a nasty traffic accident. It wouldn't have been such a big deal had it not been for the fact that the young woman sitting next to him turned out NOT to be his wife. Two days later, Freeman's wife filed for divorce. The car accident was blamed on a temporary blackout, quite possibly the same one he experienced while signing on to The Bucket List

and that silly documentary with the penguins! Of course, Freeman got his start on the PBS show "The Electric Company" as "EZ Reader" in the early 1970's way before he bacame President in Deep Impact and helped Tim Robbins escape from prison in The Shawshank Redemption. Despite Freeman's recent bad luck, Hollywood and the rest of us still love him. There will always be a role for him as "God" in the next Bruce Almighty installment, whatever the film title is.

The Two Coreys and one Big Boring Story as seen on A&E. It's still hard to believe that the one time PBS clone with commercials aired the Russian Ballet and the history of the woodwind instrument in ten parts. That was twenty years ago. Today, it's all about The Sopranos and The Two Coreys. When I first heard about a reality show on A&E digging into the dark lives of former childhood stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, I thought it had to be some sick joke, until I saw it for myself. As you may or may not recall, Feldman was the one who was always getting into trouble years ago. Before he turned 18, he had already been doing dope and dating pornstars. Now, I guess I'm to believe that he's reformed and is the Corey with the common sense, while Haim is the one that needs all the help with his little drug problem. In last week's episode I got to see Feldman invite Haim to his house for a surprise intervention... those are always nice. They are in the midst of filming a Lost Boys sequel and Haim showed up on the set high on dope and unable to remember his lines. His excuse was that he took a pain pill for a sore back. Regardless of what the truth really was, Feldman and the others booted him off the set. They suspect an addiction to painkillers and crystal meth. An irate Haim stormed out of Feldman's home and claimed his friend set him up with the intervention as a cruel trick. Maybe it was. Afterall, one would have to be at their last rope to take life lessons from Corey Feldman in the first place. As the episode ended and Haim yelled at us viewers to leave him alone so he can die, all hope was lost that there would ever be a "part 2" to A License To Drive.

Madden's tour bus hits a speed bump but keeps on rollin'! To fans of the popular video game franchise known as "Madden (insert year here)", Tuesday may as well be Christmas. Not only is the release date of "Madden '09", but it's also been 20 years since the first release of the cgame and to honor this tradition, there is a special "Anniversary" edition of Madden Football also hitting shelves and sold seperately for just under $100! Now despite all the hoopla, who was the jackass that thought it to be a good idea to put Brett Favre on the cover of "Madden '09"? I think Madden and that no good Favre are in cahoots to lure collectors to the toy aisle to possibly find a gold nugget. Madden is a Brett Favre fan who salivates like Pavlov's dog whenever he sees him play. When Favre announced his retirement for the 18th time, Madden cried like a kid who just found out there is no Santa Claus. While most football fans were pointing and laughing at Favre's almost daily press conferences mulling his future, Madden was out there encouraging Favre to do the right thing, suit up, and play another year. At this point The Packers had enough of Favre and his hooligans and agreed to take him back but, not as a starter. From there, an angry Favre picked up his ball and headed to Tampa Bay for a day, and then to New York where good old #4 will now be a Jet. Here's the thing: While all this was going on, so were the plans to release Madden's game that already had Favre returning to the game as a Packer. As it stands now, with 24 hours to go, the rumor is that Favre will still be on the cover as a Packer however, once the game sells out there will be an updated version featuring him as a Jet on the cover art. Meanwhile, if you insist on Favre actually being QB as a Jet, a link will be available to download that will make the necessary adjustments to the game. But keep in mind, this link is only being included in some of the games being shipped. Bottom line is, you'd better buy four games for your PS3 to increase your odds of one day being able to afford sending your kid to college. For the moment though, because John Madden is afraid of plane rides, all the money earned will go directly into the gas tank of his big bus. This goes on sale at 12:01 A.M.