"Return to Sender"

The Brotherhood of The Traveling Briefs... Playtime is over and now it's time for some serious work to be done! 2008 hasn't been a good year for movies unless your film has "Batman" in the title. Let's face it, everything else has been released with a lot of fanfare only to become MIA from theaters a week later! Because of this, being able to label a flick soley on the fact that it "stinks" is impossible however, considering you can pay $12.00 to enjoy an empty movie theater for 90 minutes by yourself, here's one movie that I will talk about: The Sisterhood of The traveling Pants. While you need not worry about bumping into me at your local Cineplex to see this "gem", the story itself is a good one. I will admit, how they managed to pull off a sequel is beyond me! Here you supposedly have a small circle of girlfriends all in their teens who are like family in the first place. Throw a pair of jeans into the mix and let it make the rounds going from girl to girl. Pretty soon, what you have is a "diary" or a good head start for a movie about how these pants changed their lives as they make that sometimes bumpy transition into "Women". In other words..."B-O-R-I-N-G"!!! Putting "Batman" to the side, I knew this film was in trouble from the get go when they cast a woman in her 20's who plays the lead role in "Ugly Betty" as yet another teenager in this role. Couldn't get a real teenage girl to play the part? Obviously they didn't give Miley Cyrus a call.

Well, my thinking was to take another glance at the script and decide if such a thing can actually happen in real life. I'm not giving any credit to Levi, Lee, or any other manufacturer of denim for my story... No, as a matter of fact, all my kudos goes directly to Fruit of the Loom/ You know, the company that turned boys into men with their timeless briefs. It doesn't matter if they're "tidy whitey" or colored, or even if they have a overstretched elastic band. These things keep your most treasured jewels safe and secure. Wouldn't it be great if an old pair of underwear stains and all, could unweave a story all it's own? The plan has sprung into action my friends and I'll be checking in frequently to see where the pair of dirty underwear I deposited into the Salvation Army Clothing Drop Box will turn up next. The good thing about "the Looms" is that one pair can survive several generations of owners, each one having their own story about what the briefs did for them. Wouldn't it be great to trace my pair back to the 1800's when President Abe Lincoln put on a brand new pair right before he signed The Emancipation Proclamation? How about when Dillinger wore them to hold up his last bank or Buzz Aldrin wore them on his trip to the moon? Women fail to realize that men have always passed their shorts down from person to person many times without the new owner not even realizing it. Such an event happened to me as a boy when a stray pair of briefs ended up in my underwear drawer. They were cleverly mixed in with the others as if I didn't notice! It was around this time that I realizzed even underwear has the ability to become a "hand me down" so long as it's "kept in the family". Sure, you can't catch a disease from your own flesh and blood, can you? You're right. It is disgusting however, I made sure to attach a 3x5 index card to the pair I recently deposited so the new owner will know what to do to keep the story going. Just like releasing a balloon into a brisk wind, I expect my underwear to circle the globe with the lucky guy writing me back from Beijing to say he got my underwear, and read the card, and a willingness to extend a hand in friendship. Isn't that what it's all about?!

The Squealing Pig Worldwide!

...is on vacation.

Check back soon for updates!

"Help catch this sneaky cat"!

Please note: The usual posting format has been interrupted today as I search for the above missing kitty cat. Missing one month ago today. Last seen an hour ago. Is supposed to answer to "Pumpkin" but doesn't listen.

Pumpkin The Cat has been a part of the family for nearly 10 years and was a good cat who was loving, loyal, and always by my side. One day a month ago, Pumpkin got into trouble as she pulled open the door and went to "the other side" of the basement. An area that is made up of empty boxes, Christmas decorations, old kitchen appliences, and yes, lots of neat places that a cat loves to hide. Since my last visit with Pumpkin, she has gone incognito and only makes a brief appearance every now and then during the day however, does most of her sneaky work in the wee hours of the morning when she comes out to eat her food, drink her water, and make a doodie in her litter box. They say that to catch a bear, one must use honey. If that's the case, how do I catch a cat? This is where you, the reader comes in. Maybe you've had the same thing happen to you. Perhaps you work, or know someone employed with PetSmart or Petco that has a good idea. Please submit your ideas to this site or post your comments at the end of this message. Pumpkin needs your help and quite frankly, so do I.

Three out of a million gripes"

"Hey Bob, how do I fix this mess?" And the headlines should have read, "Bob Barker turns Chicago upside down"! The former Price is Right host came to Chicago yesterday to give his two cents worth on the one big problem on Earth that worries all of us: The exploding pet population. Well, I guess Chicago is as good a place as any to kick off a travelling awareness program. Mr. Barker says that Chicago is one of the worst places for unwanted pets. Ahh yes, it must be nice to be retired with nothing to do but worry about petty stuff like this. Now, maybe if Bob came to Chicago to talk about gangbanger shootings, crime, and drugs, someone would actually pay attention! Obviously, Mr. Barker has made the pets thing a number one priority, so maybe we should just sweep all the other crap under the rug??!! If Bob Barker is tired of retirement already with an "itch" to get back to work like Brett Favre, maybe he should rescue Drew Carey from that train that's headed on a collicion course with extinction. When Bob called it quits, so did 99% of the audience. Maybe Bob thinks that digging deeper into his philosophy of preventing the birth of unwanted animmmals is a good thing by coming here to yell at Mayor Daley but, we already have enough to worry about! Besides, I'd like to help out however, I'm not sure if my pets "Izzy" and "Floppy" need to be spayed or neutered.

This could be the "Big One" Elizabeth! California residents were a bit rattled yesterday by the rattling under their feet as one of those common earthquakes shook things up. This time was no different than any other, except for the fact that this time around, the media has managed to turn this natural event into the coming of "The Apocolypse". You don't really need a needle zig-zagging on a giant roll of paper to realize that California is already on borrowed time however, yesterday's quake came with the same "aftershocks" that accompanied Orson Welles' War Of The Worlds radio broadcast. Sure, people are on edge already as it is but, yesterday's quake drove people to contemplate jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge miles away from the quake's actual epicenter. In Los Angeles where it was felt the most, most people went about their business unmoved while others thought for sure that they were experiencing a Hollywood sequel to 9/11. Within the heart of Hollywood itself, several productions were halted until the "all clear" was given. One "Super Trooper" named, Judge Judy Scheindlin was temporarily sidelined under her desk for a half an hour while her studio audience ran for the hills. When the quake ended, Judy didn't miss a beat... she was back pounding her gavel and awarding the case to the plaintiff who got run over by the stray shopping cart with the wobbly wheel at Cosco. All Judy said was, "A quake ain't gonna stop me!" however, thanks to a lone camera left running, we later saw on YouTube that Judy actually does have emotions like a real human as she stared into the eyes of death for just a minute. When "The Big One" really comes to California, the state will split drom the rest of the West Coast and float as an island for the next three million years until it finally circles the globe and re-connects to the East Coast somewhere around New Jersey.

Satellite radio merges to create "Sirius" pay to listen crap! They knew this would happen all along however, they never thought it would take so darn long to finally merge two competing satellite radio networks into one giant conglomerate. XM and Sirius are now two names brought together although no one seems to be sure if the "XM" will be at the front or at the back. I do know this...radio was meant to be free. Nothing on the dial gets me so wound up to make me willing to pay $29.99 a month. Not Oprah, Martha Stewart, Howard Stern, or Bob Dylan spinning his favorites from his own personal record collection is worth the price. And yes, there's a lot of that kind of nonsense out there. Satellite radio is a platform where any dimwit can speak his or her mind for four hours a day or more. Anyone can get their own show. Bruce Springsteen's roadie gets for hours a day to play his favorite Springsteen songs and Richard Simmons gets four hours to talk about fat kids. There used to be a name for people like this when it came to television. They were the Steve Lawrence's and Bill Cosby's that used to "fill in" for the vacationing Johnny Carson for a night. Does anyone really care to listen to what former Styxx lead singer, Dennis DeYoung's favorite show tunes are? There's already enough crap to choose from on the radio...and it's free. Remember HDTV? Here we are 30 years later and we're finally going to get it, NEXT FEBRUARY.