"O.J., Crackers, Billy Ray, and the return of Slimey"

"No steak knife for O.J.'s dinner in Kentucky" The night before last Saturday's Kentucky Derby, O.J. Simpson rolled into a Kentucky steakhouse with his entourage and parked his behind at a table. Before he even opened up the menu to take a look, the owner came to the table and asked him to leave. O.J. questioned why and the owner explained that he is bad for business. He sent the whole party down the street to a Jack in the Box. Before walking out the door, O.J. picked up a steak knife and held it to the owners throat promising him that he'll be back to finish the job later. The wholegot even more complex when O.J. accused the owner of not serving him because he's black. No O.J., the fact of the matter is perhaps the owner didn't want a killer in the restaurant, When he left the place, the crowd stood up and applauded his exit.

"Cracker Barrel now asks customers if they want razor blades on the hamburger or on the side" It used to be pranksters on Halloween that would sabotage children's candy with pins, needles, and razor blades. The adults are now the target. A rusty razor blade is no big deal. In fact, the iron oxide gives it a special flavor. Fearing the worst, Cracker Barrel has taken everything with ground beef off the menu. The one thing people want while on the Interstate and looking for a place to eat, is a big, juicy, hamburger. I smell a rat here. Matter of fact, there probably are rats in their hamburgers. Cracker Barrel should stick to selling the goofy knick-knacks and salt and pepper shakers and leave the hamburgers to McDonald's.

"Billy Ray's singing and dancing are a swing and a miss" Poor Billy Ray Cyrus. The one hit wonder was hoping for a miracle when he signed up for Dancing With The Stars. Even his Curt Cobain haircut couldn't save him. I'll give credit where credit's due. Billy Ray made it farther than a lot of the other "has beens". Billy Ray, sans the mullet was proof that it's possible for a person to have two left feet, Methinks Billy Ray has thrown in the towel. After realizing his career is on a slippery slope, he now spends his time on late night talk shows shamelessly plugging his daughter's Disney show Hannah Montana. Truth be told, this is exactly the same launching pad that Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera and Hilary Duff used to put their names on the map. Disney isn't all rainbows and unicorns, Cape Canaveral has the space shuttle however, in Orlando, the launch pad revolves around sex. At 14 years old, Billy Ray should quit showbusiness and keep his daughter on a leash!

"This is a big welcome back to a favorite worm". After pulling a disappearing act for a few years, Slimey the worm returned to Sesame Street to visit his old pal Oscar the Grouch. Some people may stomp their foot on him, dip him in chocolate, or even deep fry him. Slimey has stood the test of time and returns for another generation to enjoy, The other day I observed Slimey playing checkers with some neighborhood friends. Ooh so cute! All I want to know is, how is a worm able to play checkers with no hands? You can keep your Elmo and Abbey Cadabbey, Slimey is a force to be reckoned with. All we need is "Tickle me Slimey" for Christmas. God bless him.

This Weekends Week in Review

Fastballs sometimes don't work out quite like you hoped. The same goes for "8 Balls". A few days ago, St. Louis Cardinals relief pitcher Josh Hancock was laying in a St. Louis Hotel room. Hours away from a game with the Cubs, Hancock was due at the stadium. After several "wake up" calls from the coaching staff and teammates, Hancock finally pulled his ass out of bed and drove 90 mph to Busch Stadium. Sadly, while tailgaiting a flatbed semi trailer that suddenly slammed on the braked, Hancock's 2007 Ford Explorer slid under the back end and sheared the roof off killing him instantly. Needless to say, the game scheduled for that day was postponed. So, what exactly happened with this church going individual who held baseball so close to his heart? Nobody seemed to know the answer, Afterall, the guy was in an accident due to oversleeping. It could happen to anyone/ Yesterday however, toxicology reports were released to shed some light on the subject. Seems that after an autopsy, Josh Hancock had twice the legal limit of alcohol in his system. Inside the truck, investigators found a glass crack pipe and a bag of marijuana with residue in the ashtray. Not only was he foolish for jumping on the expressway, he was actually going to possibly be on standby should Tony LaRussa need him on the mound. Kids look up to these guys as heroes and they go and pull stupid crap like this. Major League Baseball always crack down on steroids in the game...what about substance abuse? A player can obviously snort cocaine, smoke crack, and smoke dope while chasing it down with a six pack before taking to the field. God forbid steroids are taking all the heat. Too bad Josh Hancock never made it to Busch Stadium. He would have made a fool out of himself, or else it was a cry for help that nobody listened to or took seriously.

What in The hell is going on in Washington? We have a war in Iraq entering it's 5th year. George W. vetoed a bill that would put a timetable on the troops returning home. Now, in perfect synchronicity with Cinco De Mayo, Bush is turning his attention to those illegal immigrants from Mexico who think they are so special that they don't have to go through the process of filling out all the paperwork that goes along with being a U.S. citizen because they already have siblings living here. Bush wants to allow these people in because they are part of millions of people that "built this country". Maybe they built all the big cities in America however, at the end of the day they chose to go back to Mexico to pick lettuce. That ain't my fault. I suggest Washington critics propose a wall from California to Texas about 60 feet hugh. Make it electric too. Enter Republican Senator John McCain of Arizona who is all too familiar with immigrants. Unfortunately, this Presidential candidate's messages are lost within the circus of Democratic Presidential nominees Hillary Rodham Clinton and Borack Obhama. Here's what I suggest: President Bush doesn't want to end the war in Iraq and wants to keep the borders open for Mexicans to come and take our jobs and healthcare. If a Mexican should make it over the big fence I suggested and fall onto the Arizona desert, let's make him a U.S. citizen. FIRST, let's put Grande Hernandez on a waiting plane, give him an AK-47 and ship him off to Iraq. If he's alive two or three years later and comes back, we'll make him a U.S. citizen...Case closed!

Hasselhoff loses car keys AND stepping on spiders.

Paris Hilton gets todays blog rolling. She's going to jail for 45 days as punishment for violating probation for a DUI arrest recently. This came at the same time that poor Paris pulled into an L.A. BP clueless as to how to remove the gas cap and pump gas into her $200K sportscar. For Paris, 45 days will be an eternity. Luckily for her, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears are right behind her to fill the void of photographers. Let's put it like this...there will be no shortage of stories or photos for 45 days. Paris will be forced to do her duty on a toilet surrounded by nothing but bars. Let's see to what lengths Star Magazine will go to snap a photo of that!

...And you thought Hasselhoff made a horses ass out of himself on "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch". Did you ever go to Frat party and see some dope trying to eat McDonald's or Taco Bell? Everything ends up on the floor. The person under the influence gives up and just eats the food off the floor dirt, dust, ants, and all. This is what happened to Germany's "Super Entertainer" David Hasselhoff. Last time we saw Hasselhoff was on So You Want to be a Rockstar on CBS. Now, if there's one guy in no position to recognize talent, Hasselhoff is the one. He was calm and collected with only a few wisecracks sprinkled in as he sat on the judges panel. When the cameras stopped rolling, David passed out. There were rumors a few months ago that Hasselhoff would be bringing Knight Rider to the big screen for a sequel of sorts. Now that K.I.T.T. got totalled, Hasselhoff will have to settle for a Pontiac G6. Because of his problems, Hasselhoff will have to ride shotgun while being replaced by another driver. According to Hasselhoff, the tape which can be readily found on the Internet was taken during a relapse three months ago. Former Baywatch co-star Pamela Anderson said in a statement that David Hasselhoff is "A no good dirty drunk who likes to grab boobs". No comment from Hasselhoff.

Spiderman 3 spins a web that's too friggin' long! The great comic book illustrator Stan Lee belongs in the same category as a neighborhood thug selling crack to kids on the street corner. His characters are hitting the big screen one after another. No matter how terrible the previous films may be in your opinion, Lee is banking on you spending $12 for a ticket to see Toby McGuire wear the red suit and black suit in Spidey 3. A lot of actors state after the fact that they won't do another film because of worries they'll be typecast. McGuire is now singing the same song as Christopher Reeve in Superman, Michael Keaton, George Clooney, and Val Kilmer in Batman. With the exception of George Clooney, these guys should embrace their roles. Yes, the sequel always sucks however, you are always guaranteed to have work. I'm not about to plop down $12 to see "The Most Expensive Movie Production in History". The upcoming Raiders of the Lost Ark 4 will take the honors soon anyway.

Chapter 2: Best Buy and "The Geek Squad" need to divorce!

Around two years ago, electronic retailer Best Buy thought it would be a good thing to combine forces with the growing Company "Geek Squad" because damnit, Best Buy was stumped when it came to Technical Support for the products they sell. One thing that's no trouble at all is ringing up a sale hence, they call in "The Geeks". If you set up an in-home service call, these guys will rush out to your home in a black and white car like policemen searching for an armed robber. For me, at the end of March, it proved that "The Geek Squad" weren't geeks pretending to be cool but rather, geeks pretending to be assholes! Here was the problem...After signing an agreement that stated my computer would be repaired within a few days, in reality it was several weeks. A guy named Jesus worked on our computer. This is where I lost my faith. You see, Jesus can turn water into wine, feed a bunch of people on a fish and loaf of bread, and can walk on water. Jesus ought to be able to fix electronics in his sleep. The end result? After a phone call to Corporate, we got this thing back however, I had to spend over a week resolving other problems created while they examined everything. The Geek Squad needs to stand in line while I give them a wedgie and pull their underpants up over their head. Think twice about letting one of these "hacks" near your computer. If anything, these guys ought to be pushing a broom down the aisles at closing time...that's my salute to the First Amendment today.