"To Russia With Love..."

"Dear Russkies: If you really want Georgia that bad, you can take ours!" George W. Bush may have started to pack away all his momento's from the past eight years, but he's still able to find time to "shake the tree" one last time before leaving Washington. As if an unfinished war in Iraq isn't enough as it is, the President has also left the economy in ruins and on the verge of cannibalism in order to survive. In the midst of all of this mess, Bush has also managed to act like a big police dog making sure Iran, Israel, and Russia all behave nice and get along. Things however, may be quieting down in the Republic of Georgia where Russia has agreed for the time being to back off any attempts to regain control of the Country. So it seems, the citizens in that part of the world are safe for now but, maybe not. Hey, if Russia wants "Georgia" so bad that they were going to start another war. Russkies, put your guns down and gather up all your tanks, planes, and missiles and go home! If you want THAT bad, take ours. We don't need it anyway!

Consider the United States to be like MTV's "The Real Life". All 50 of us friends, each unique, all live under one roof. We are all set in our own ways and get along with some better than others and occasionally, there's one of those "Puck's" that come along to give everyone in the house hell. Just like the roomies do on television, one day it's time to sit down and have a meeting while Georgia is busy doing something else. As everyone sits around and talks about all the good things and all of the bad behind Georgia's back, we finally have to ask Georgia, "What have you done for us lately?" We take a vote and kick the rabble rouser out the door. This is what we need to do. Think about this: Almost every big event in recent history has either started, ended, or passed through Georgia. It's kind of like the "Ellis Island" for the geographically impaired. It's true that much of what we read in the history books about Georgia has left a lifelong impact on all of us one way or another however, at the risk of starting World War III, Russia can just take it! I don't know about the rest of America but, life will still go on for me without some of Georgia's treasures of the 20th Century. The sun WILL come up tomorrow forme if Atlanta's Jeff Foxworthy is missing from the picture. He's proven that any knucklehead can do comedy with his "Redneck" humor, and anyone can host a game show like "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?". His cheesy mustache is more out of place than the new lead singer of Journey. If he were gone tomorrow, I wouldn't be looking for him on the side of a milk carton anytime soon. Another thing I can do without is peaches. Georgia IS the Peachtree State but, when you eat peaches, there's always something left over: the pits! That's something I can live without. How about "America's Team" the Atlanta Braves? Who says? The so-so baseball franchise got the moniker from former media mogul, Ted Turner who raised the team out of the ashes in the 1970's by giving a television deal on a new concept in cable tv: A Superstation. Not only could you have basic cable... now, you can have Superstation TBS and Brave's baseball anywhere you went. Even in a big baseball town like Chicago with it's two teams. Maybe this WAS America's team for a while, but who besides fans in Atlanta, can honestly say they'll forever follow the ups and downs of The Braves? Ted Turner liked the team so much and was so willing to embrace it that he eventually bought it... and sold it. Jane Fonda was more interested in using the money to further extend the property line of their Montana cattle ranch. In the end, Atlanta's wife and hometown saw through him and left him out in the cold. So, we wouldn't miss Georgia from the map. What's 49 states? One less than 50 and that's about it. Please tell Mr. Bush to save a spot on his U-Haul for "The Bulldog State".

"More Olympic fallout, real people, and Kanye's Phat intake"

Another case of "It's okay to change the rules of the game even if you're half way through" : Another Olympic gaffe! ABC News was first to report the story about China breaking the rules during the women's gymnastics events in Beijing. It seems as though the Olympic committee inadvertently skimmed over contestants birth date information which put several Chinese gymnasts years younger than the required age of 16. Oops! This is only the latest in a string of negative publicity generated by the


Beijing games. Some of the paperwork suggest that some of the girls competing are as young as 10 years old! You would think that such a discovery would lead to disqualification however, because of Red China's generous 3 Billion dollar effort to support the games this year, the whole incident is at the moment being overlooked .

"Hello Sandy Allen... Goodbye Sandy Allen" The "World's Largest Living Creature" passed away a few days ago at a nursing home in Indiana. The 53 year old Sandy Allen was listed in Guiness Book's World Records since the mid 1970's. When she was born, medical experts were shocked by her length however, more puzzling to all of them was what the sex of the baby was. Sandy was constantly growing until one day given harmones to stun her rapid growth. Her height while not much of a problem to her, inadvertantly made other things in life that we all take for granted even more trickier. Sandy never married. Her one wish was to one day make "sweet love" to a man unfortunately, Andre the Giant's death over a decade ago shattered that dream. Taking most of life in stride, Sally worked as a secretary for an insurance salesman who often bragged before she

took ill, "My wife has never had to worry a single minute of her life about me fooling around with my assistant". Sandy spent her later years traveling to schools to boost self-esteem for kids who feel they are different than their peers. Sandy also inspired the hit 1982 Split Enz single, "Sandy Allen".

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps' famous 10,000 calorie a day diet makes Richard Simmons see "Red". U.F.O.'s, ghosts and The Bermuda Triangle are only a few things that remain "unexplained". Michael Phelps is another enigma. Phelps sat down with NBC's Bob Costas to discuss a typical day of eating and bragged that his training regimin includes 10,000 calories a day. Almost immediately, excercise guru Richard Simmons chimed in to scold Phelps about the bad example he's making

to all the aspiring young gold medal swimmers out there anxious to put his diet into action. "Impossible!" Simmons quipped. "To eat 10,000 calories is impossible! You'd have to literally eat non stop around the clock!" Well Mr. Simmons, how do you explain all your followers who buy all your excercise crap? Do you think everyone got that way from genetics? The truth is, Mr. Simmons is partially right on this factoid. Such a person would indeed have to eat not only around the clock but, including the clock to consume that number. Who is Phelps crapping when he says a box of Aunt Jemima pancakes, a pound of fried bacon, two pizza's with the works, ice cream, and soda pop BEFORE breakfast is a good idea for anyone? Amazingly, when all is said and done, Phelps sheds it all off in time to win a total of seven gold medals (thus far) without breaking a sweat. Impossible? I think so. That's a hell of a lot of Gatorade and power bars! Not too surprisingly, Phelps is now downplaying his remarks and saying most of what he says is true however, some things were taken out of context. Too late. The horse already left the barn so it's too late to close the door. Tis story was all over television and the tabloids so, who do you believe? When the Olympics are over and Phelps is back on the couch for four years sitting in his speedos and eating Dorito's, at his age, his final jump in the swimming pool will be doing the bellyflop.

Finally, speaking of fat... How's about a giant Phat Burger with a little Kanye on the side? Trying to "up the ante" on Diddy, Kanye West is adding "Short order cook" to his resume as his love for California's famous Phat Burger expands Eastward to include the Chicago area. A Phat Burger is just what the name suggests: a monster sized hamburger so full of fat you can wring it out like a washcloth. Kanye 's big idea to bring the fast food joint to affluent Orland Park, a suburb of Chicago, is an interesting concept as the chain's clientele in California is on average, "lower, middle class". Almost all of the establishments in L.A. are in high crime, high drug trafficking neighborhoods. It is a done deal however, and Orland Park's store will be the first of five planned eateries here owned by the controversial Hip Hop star. So, get ready to belly up to the food counter and get greasy. Phat Burger with it's 1950's motif is certainly one place where "Grease is the word".

"Censored from Beijing"

Nearly a week after the opening ceremonies, the 2008 Beijing Olympics are well under way in Communist China. Because of censorship, NBC television can only show you what China wants to see. As always, there are plenty of unanswered questions. Here are a few:

1. Who was responsible for the Chinese National Anthem "switch-a-roo" and now that the cat's out of the bag, is the whistleblower in prison? Simply put...OF COURSE! How long did you think it would actually take for the Chinese to duplicate one of America's most famous tricks in show buisness: "lip-synching"?!! Milli-Vanilli did it and so did Ashley Simpson. The only difference there is, it took a while for us lame brained Americans to catch on. The fact is, we're wiser now. It only took a day to catch this blunder. The reality of all of this is that even though a t-shirt with Mao Tse Tung's face on it is still a hot seller at Chinese gift shops, taking a little homely girls singing voice and getting a "cute" little girl to "sing" the song on tv may be cruel, but it's a brilliant idea that is as red, white, and blue as America! Besides, in the end, both the ugly and cute kid got their 15 minutes of fame.
2. Since when has shooting a gun turned into an "Olympic Sport"? I've seen plenty of strange things, but this idea is the most bizzare of all of them. Charles Gibson ended yesterday's ABC Nightly News with a story about a 58 year old woman who is a "sharp shooter" and qualified as the oldest active participant in Olympic history because of her trigger finger. I realize that over the course of time, many things get added to the competition however, how long has shooting a handgun been considered a sport? As I recall the history of the Olympiad in ancient Greece, chariot races, running and maybe a shotput or javelin thrown in for the hell of it was about as far as it went. If shooting is now a ticket to compete in the olympics, Chicago should have gone after hosting the 2008 Olympics rather than bidding on 2016. The United States would win the gold in no contest, hands down. There already are quite a few odd events in the games...Why not add "drive-bys"?
3. Yao Ming. The name literally ricochets off the tip of your tongue. Remember the big stink a few years ago when The Houston Rockets drafted this 7 foot tall monster from China and gave him a multi-million dollar contract. The first season he was with the NBA, Ming's ugly face was all over the place on television. He was selling everything from American Express cards to Big Macs and raking in lots of money on the side. His ugly mug makes a head shot of Godzilla look like George Clooney and still, this giant freak-a-zoid remains a big draw on U.S. basketball courts. Americans have recently embraced the color green for everything so, why then, was this young man so put off to be a part of "Team USA" and go back home to be part of "Team China"? China's money is red so, someone needs to ask this guy while he's driving around in his Ferarri if he can understand what color a stop sign is. Does he stop or does he go? If he's not colorblind, he's simply taking advantage of a good thing. Never mind that the NBA puts food on his table. He says that his intentions were made clear at his signing that he would represent China. Good for him. I hope Homeland Security seized his suitcases full of $100 bills at the airport before he left...but I doubt it.