"HEY KIDS! "Don't forget to ask mom for this stuff!"

Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine...In Just a few days we get to see part 4 of the Indiana Jones chronicles. Ir was nearly a 20 year wait. The fourth installment of the franchise was never going to take place. The only thing that saved it was the empty wallet of Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg. Am I supposed to believe that the script got lost all these years? Was it buried in one of the wooden crates stored in the warehouse full of "The Ark of the Covenants"? Just like good pal George Lucas and his Star Wars movies, Spielberg thought this would be the perfect time to bring back Indiana Jones and take advantage of all the new special effects in Lucas Arts Industrial Light and Magic studios. George Lucas told us in 1980 that "Return of the Jedi" was the end of Star Wars and then all of a sudden, by some miracle, three scripts appeared out of thin air and these three films would be prequels to the original trilogy (as a sidenote, Lucas swore again that he was done milking the Star Wars franchise in 2004 yet, rumors are swirling that perhaps another trilogy will be made to take place after "Jedi" ends.) Likewise, Spielberg is toying with the idea of making prequels for "Indy". I guess these would fall in between "Young Indiana Jones" with the late River Phoenix and the "old Indy" that we see on the silver screen today. There's one tale however, that need not be written and turned into a movie...that is, "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine. Even months before the movie was set to make a splash in theaters, all kinds of product tie-ins were selling like hotcakes. Not too bad for a movie version of Activision's Pitfall Harry, and not so bad for a 65 year old man running down hills and swinging from ropes on trees. Even without Indiana Jones in the picture, taking the kids to the Super Wal-Mart is an adventure by itself. Thank goodness for the product tie-ins with everything from ketchup to pop tarts and soda, Doritos, Oreo's, Ritz crackers, M&M's and more! Yes, these things are strategically placed in displays that line up perfect with a three year olds line of vision. You don't take the kids with you to the store? That's okay too. The kids will tell you all about what's out there on Saturday mornings during commercial breaks. The FCC created the "Safe Harbor" Law which is supposed to designate a time period during the day that children's programs are aired. The law also regulates what ads your kids are supposed to see. Product tie-ins to cartoons and so on are a big "no no". Really? ...Who fell asleep at the switch on this one? Anyway, this brings me close to the end. Junk food related to movies is one thing and TOYS are another thing. One of the most dangerous toys to hit the market in relation to this movie is the "Indiana Jones Whip" A few feet in length, your kid will have the thrill of a lifetime making the whip "snap" and hearing the sound effects along the way. Isn't this a great idea? Kids would NEVER use this toy as a weapon, would they? There's nothing like a nice crack of the whip across the face of a brother or sister. All is fun until someone loses an eye. If it hasn't happened already, someone will. You can blame this on Indiana too!

"What A Trip!"

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles make for a sex filled Memorial Day weekend trip! Everyone is ;ooling ahead to next weekend. It's the official start of summer. A time for lazy days in the sun, sipping a cocktail or two, and barbequing weenies on the grill. Some people even enjoy getting out of town and taking a trip. With the skyrocketing cost for a gallon of gasoline, folks are grabbing their nickels and times and letting someone else do the driving. Counting out of state vehicle tags and cloud formations in the sky is just plain boring. Let's face it... YOU paid hard earned money to get away, so you'd better make getting to your final destination as fun as the place where you're going. Bothing better than some good SEX to kick things into high gear. These folks had the right idea.Jet Bluw Airways had an "incident" recently on a non-stop trip from L.A. to New York. An airline attendant with a sore back needed to sit down in one of the plane's comfy chairs however, the plane was packed solid with no open seats available. The stewardess ran right to the cockpit to explain the situation. In a flash, he jumped out of his seat to remedy the problem and singled out a male passenger whom he asked to kindly give up his seat. "No way!" the man cried out, to which the pilot answered, "get your ass over to the shitter and don''t move! We'll be landing in New York in three hours. Besides, I'm doing you a favor by taking your ass to New York... so go sit down or I'm gonna push you out the door!". The man finally moved and sat on the aluminum throne in the water closet until the plane landed. While he bitched and moaned to everyone while leaving the plane and promising a $2 Million dollar lawsuit against Jet Blue, what he failed to say was that somewhere over Ohio, the stewardess with the "bad back" joined him in the bathroom for some "thanks for giving up your seat for me" sex. Unfortunately, the lawsuit is still pending.It's rush hour on the rails in Germany when a bullet train gets stuck on the tracks. Informed that it will be awhile before help arrives, the engineer decides to literally take the matter into his own hands as he unzipped his pants and began to maasturbate. He was having a good time moaning and groaning and hooting and hollering up a storm until he was done. Exhausted, the engineer leaned back in his chair and breathed a sigh of relief as someone knocked on the door. It was a conducter on the train who was laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" the engineer inquired, to which the conducter replied, "I think you left the intercom on! The whole train was laughing at you!". Needless to say, he spent the night on the train making a quick exit undercover of the darkness so he wouldn't be seen.Finally, the father of a 14 month old baby got tired of his girlfriend giving him the third degree over child support. It was a busy day, to which he agreed he'd watch the kid and make a stop at Kmart to buy some lunch and some diapers for the baby girl. His car never made it to the store. He got sidetracked by the blinking neon lights of strip bar signs on the way and pulled into a bar'd parking lot. Deciding the baby would be best if left in the car with the windows closed on a hot and humid evening, he ventured inside for a couple of beers. Aware that it was very late at night, the girlfriend immediately phones 911 to notify the cops that her baby was missing. Almost simultaneously to her phone call, the guy staggers out of the bar and sees half the police department surrounding his car. By this time, a passerny spotted the kid in the car and called the cops who came and got her out. He must gave had a good time in there because in his version of telling the story he was only in there for 10 minutes. In reality, it was two hours. It got worse from then on. Police discovered he entered the bar with a fake ID and was actually 17 years old. He'll have a long time to reflect on what he did as he rots away in prison. Nice, eh?

"Oh, MILEY Gosh!"

[Photo]Shame on Hannah, Destiny, Mylie, and any other name she goes by![Photo] Shame on Billy Ray too! You know, Walt Disney must be spinning in his grave now that yet another star has fallen. The TMZ website and tv rag are going to be working overtime on this one. I'm talking about some of these photos arriving in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine. Well, I checked them out myself and don't really know what the fuss is all about. Okay, [Photo]scratch that... what's really so bad about the series of pictures with a semi-nude 15 year old? The fact that her daddy is rubbing up next to her for starters! What was Billy Ray thinking? In the Cyrus' defense, the really questionable pix were taken when mom and dad left the studio to warm up the pickup truck and now everyone has taken a moment to pause and reflect that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea in the first place. Remember Billy Ray's television show on PAX where he played a doctor? The now defunct network always had subtle messages of Christianity running through it and that's a far cry from the Billy Ray of today. "Achy Breaky Heart", the one song that is now considered a novelty, put the guy on the map and earned him millions. Hey Billy, were your investments so bad that you're broke and needed to pimp your daughter out to a magazine? Yes, Shame on you pretty boy! You see folks, Disney isn't all about unicorns, rainbows and smiley, happy faces. Because of the tight noose that Uncle Walt has tied around these kids, a taste of the "real world" leads to this. Let's see... we already heard the rumors flying on the net about Mylie being pregnant, and now this. Think about it: Mylie is just another young kid that picked up the torch passed down from Christine Aguillera to the Spears girls, Lance Bass, and Justin Timberlake. What will dad have to say when Mylie turns 18 and does a photo spread for Hustler? Will that be a wake up call to good parenting or will the nut job pose with his daughter in there too? Don't look back Britney! Mylie just jumped out of the gate and is closing in on you quick!

"...And the meek shall inherit the earth!"

"They will have to pry my precious gun from my cold, dead hands" ...Charlton Heston a.k.a. Moses and head of the National Rifle Association. Poor Charlie...He could part the Red Sea but lost his powers when it came to a battle with Alzheimers. We are all too familiar with his most famous role in the epic The Ten Commandments which just had it's annual run several weeks ago over the Easter holiday. This is the kind of movie that you see it once, and that's enough. A good movie maybe however, we all know the story. This is in the same category as the yearly playing of Julie Andrews' The Sound of Music which also aired recently. Here's two films each with a running time a little over 120 minutes that ABC stretched to over three hours because of commercial breaks. Commandment Eleven says, "Thou shall not promote a silly ABC sitcom while viewing a Hollywood interpretation of THE BIBLE" Charlie dropped the tablet with 11-15 on his way up to the top of the mountain. With a staff in his right hand and a machine gun in his left, he already had his hands full. Besides, it was more important to tell the masses that "Guns don't kill people... PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" Indeed, Charlie loved his guns cocked and loaded. It was nice that NRA members kept him on board despite his slipping mental health. I guess there's no harm in letting your 95 year old Grandfather wander out the nursing home doors at 3:00 in the morning with an AK-47. That's exactly what I'm getting at! While sipping my morning cup of Celestial Seasonings this morning and watching the gals on The View share stories of meeting Heston, I was most intrigued by Whoopi Goldberg who touched briefly on Charlie's love for black women. "I asked him how difficult it was to kiss a black, female co-star on camera back in the day when that sort of thing was a "no no" Whoopie quipped. "He said, 'let me show you how simple it is for me' as he leaned over and slipped his tongue into my mouth and grabbed my chest" A nervous Barbera Walters turned a funny shade of blue as she quickly changed the subject. Well, the man was in a class by himself. Afterall, one of his last great moves in cinema was to give Jay-Z, Ice Cube, and Snoop Dogg his blessing for the followup to the classic movie. Already in pre-production, Ten Mo' Commandments is expected to hit theaters in May 2010. OK, so he was Moses, Ben-Hur, and the dude from the Planet of the Apes. After that? Hmmmm. Oh yeah, a stint as guest host on SNL a few years back. President Bush loved the man too and welcomed him to The White House several years back. A misty eyed George W. Bush spoke this morning and told us to, "Open your windows, raise your arms, and fire away" in honer of Mr. Heston. He would have wanted it that way as this monkey meets the man with the yellow hat in the sky.