"MLB, UFC, or WWE?" Maybe all three.

Another Squealing Pig Worldwide Investigation. As we readily approach the end of June, it's time to take a look at America's "favorite pastime". Those who know me know that The White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals have always been my favorites. I had dreamed of a World Series between The Sox and The Cards however, this time around it's "not in the cards". Having said that, I'll pick on The Chicago Cubs. After Dusty Baker got pushed out the Chicago Tribune's revolving door, Cubs management picked up the horn and called Lou Paniella to come to the rescue. Remember his press conference after Christmas where while wearing a Cubs jersey and ball cap promised Chicagoland that the Cubs will make it to the World Series? He said if he couldn't do the job that he'd retire. I hope he's got a big nest egg in the bank because it won't happen this year either.

The Fight Club on Waveland Avenue. OK. These guys are all fired up and ready to swing that wood. Do they do it? Nope. All this angst and energy has been used to physically fight one another in the clubhouse or on the field. Now, a lot of people are putting the blame on Lou just because he likes to swear at umpires like a sailor or kick sand over the shoes of any official that crosses his path. Truth is, there's actually a website that's devoted to getting Lou fired that I stumbled upon today. If these guys want to fight and beat the hell out of one another, let them go nuts. Matter of fact, rather than beat the crap out of someone in the dugout or on the field, let these guys moonlight on Ultimate Fighting or change that silly commercial McDonald's has with The Cubs and Sox pulling pranks on each other. The whole thing ought to done solely with Cubs players

Finally, I hate to admit it BUT...Although there won't be a Cubs World Series this year, they're inching closer. Maybe Ozzie Guillen ought to encourage The Sox to beat the snot out of everyone. It might help their second to last place standings. Yeah, there may be a lot of Three Stooges antics of hitting and slapping, The Cubs are still better than the Cards or Sox...as of this moment.

"Bob Barker's finale, stuck with an American flag, and no escaping THIS sleeperhold!"

• OK, here's my two cents worth about the retirement of "Price is Right" host Bob Barker, I said before that Bob had class. Unfortunately for him, that all got flushed down the crapper. For whatever reason, Friday's airing of his final show ended like a wet firecracker. No standing ovations, no weeping like a baby with a wet diaper, not even a sheet cake from Entemann's. He signed off as if he'll be back on Monday. Although Bob Barker has his name on the studio doors and had every chance to address the audience, Bob was speechless and carried on like it was just another day. When all was said and done, Barker wasted no time talking to all the newsmagazine shows and cast his vote for a replacement...Rosie O'Donnell. Is Barker forgetting to take his medication or is he taking too much? Bob has been a close friend of Rosie over the years and told Entertainment Tonight that her situation with "The View" was a "tragedy. A really, really bad thing to happen to such a nice woman." If this is the way it's going to be, I'm not watching anymore. Rosie can come back on television as long as it's on one of those gay and lesbian cable channels. If I had to choose an annoying person with a big mouth, I'd pick Roseanne Barr. Luckily, the word is that CBS isn't ready to award a woman a hosting role on a game show. Hip Hip Hooray! BREAKING NEWS SUNDAY 1:28 am. It seems as though Bob's retirement may be quicker than a heart attack. Just like every old man who worked his whole life, Bob's been home for no more than a week and he's already tired of playing shuffleboard. He already told CBS brass that if they can't find a replacement or the person they choose turns out to be a dud, he'd be happy as a clam to come back to the show. Does he already miss the show? I think he misses the opportunity to feel up the breasts of the models on the show.
• Before you know it, 4th of July will be knocking on our doors, and that's where the stars and stripes come in. I've got a flag that has been exposed to all the elements and now looks like it was taken from Ground Zero on 9/11. What to do with this ripped and faded flag? Surely I can't put that out on display for the 4th. I was just going to take the thing and wrap it in newspaper before throwing it in the garbage. I was told I can't do such a thing...you see, there are rules that explain to dummies like me how you need to treat the flag with respect. Yeah, I know the correct ways to display the flag on a building or pole. Here's what beats the hell out of me: They say that a flag must be disgarded by giving it to a VFW Hall where they'll have a half an hour ceremony with veterans who will light all the flags in a garbage can on fire. They also say that if the flag falls on the ground, you're supposed to have it destroyed. Let me tell you something...I got my flag for $6.00 at Home Depot and the tag says it was made in China. I guess Americans can't stitch together stars and stripes. While working in a Chinese sweatshop for twenty five cents a day, how many flags do you suppose fall on the floor? They don't send all the "rejects" back to America so the VFW can burn them. Heck, they probably put a stick on a bad flag and use it to mop the floor. The new flags have an extra star that can be sewn on later. This represents Mexico, our 51st state.
• Finally, sad news from the Sports Entertainment world...Former WWE and WCW valet/manager/wrestler Sherri Martel died. Best known for her close ties with Randy "Macho Man" Savage and The Ultimate Warrior, she used the personnas "Sherri Martel", "Sensational Sherri", and "Medusa". She had been off television since WCW went out of business several years ago.

"The Paris Watch II"

Now that she's back in the cooler, what's next for this ditzy broad? Paris was counting on using oral sex however, the prison guard is a woman. Weighing the pros and cons, Paris is STILL prepared to give oral sex. I don't know if this will help or hurt her cause. Ask prison guard Marge who's in charge.
Anyway, after consideration, Miss Hilton has decided that kicking and screaming about jail is pretty much a lost cause. Time to swallow that bitter pill. 45 days will go by quicker than a $2 whore on a Saturday night. Here's the scoop from Paris herself about jailtime thus far..."I decided that I'm done fighting. There will be no more appeals from me. I made a mistake and must serve my time. I've learned a lot while I've been here and expect to learn more. I'm going to walk away from this experience fresh and clean" Oh, by the way, violated by six women at the same time. Here's to ya Paris.

"A DUI for Shrek?"

Paris Hilton. OK. The cops out in California don't know if she belongs in prison or at home with an ankle bracelet. She's been in and out, and in and out of jail a few times since last Monday. Now she's back in prison and the lesbians are lining up to yank the clothes off Paris. The poor kid...she can't handle a few peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches? What the hell is up with that? A DUI means you f***ed up and now it's time to face the music.

***Now, as a sidenote, it was brought to my attention that Shrek was created by some people while getting drunk. Put this guy in a cell with Paris and she'll give him a night to remember! ...I'm not just talking smack kids.