"An online apology to Lindsay Lohan"

Well kids, I've done it again. I thought I was being funny by poking fun at Lindsay Lohan's cocaine problem that got her busted. Truth is, I didn't have the WHOLE story...until now. I'm sure most of you realize that Miss Lohan has not only been nailed with cocaine in her car but, she earned herself another DUI as well. After only a couple of weeks in rehab, Lohan fell off the wagon and has since returned to rehab. While she goes through detox, at least we'll have some of her classic films on DVD to watch like...The Cat From Outer Space and Herbie The Love Bug.
I've got a few questions that I'll probably never get answered. How is a 20 year old manage to gain four DUI's, spend some time in jail, and then be able to get behind the wheel again? This must be some new crazy California law. Why did Miss Lohan fall off the wagon so quick? ...This is a good one. Too much pressure and trying to make everyone happy. She couldn't handle the pressure. Yeah, life is rough when all you have is a few million in the bank and have to drive around in a crappy 2006 Porsche 928. Life is rough. Lindsay, when you get out, look us up. The Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE v. 4.0 will take you out for a night on the town in Chicago.

"The Life of Riley, Silly Pirates, and don't blame Lindsay"

OK, here we go kids...(A rather short version of TSP today) Game show fans are in mourning today due to the death of Charles Nelson Riley. Riley wore the big Harry Carey glasses as he made his way from Password to $25,000 Pyramid. Things were not always rosey for the guy. He was a homosexual that only used game shows as a way to make a living. 1970's television wasn't ready for gays. While he waited, Charles Nelson Riley was labeled as a "Game show goof". A little known fact: Riley sat next to Steve McQueen in college. Go get 'em Chuckie!

What's up with the whole pirate thing? I thought Oceans 13 was pushing it to the limit. Let's face facts...Disney could make a movie about a guy making a doodie and it would be a sell out. When the first "Pirates" movie came out, I read that there would be six films. I pray that what I read is only a rumor. I hate to tell Disney that I have enough fun with the "Pirates" ride at Disney World.

Lindsay Lohan...what can I say? God bless this 20 year old who just got out of rehab again only to get stopped after a traffic accident. The young Lohan was legally drunk and also had cocaine in the car. Aww c'mon, let's give her one more chance before the only way she can earn a living is with her bra and panties still on.

"The View Gets Better, Barbie's Secret Lost Love,, Mmm Crunchy, and The Olsen Twins Split"

Finally, they're able to dance in the streets and Barbara Walters can breath a sigh of relief. Rosie O' Donnell's reign of terror finally came to an abrupt halt this week on The View when she walked off the show the other and said "screw all of you. I ain't coming back!" The shocker comes a mere few weeks ahead of schedule for the plump lesbian with the big mouth. During her yearlong stint on the decade old show, sh'e managed to piss off everyone both on and off the show. Like the old cliche' goes, "loose lips sink ships". It all came to a finish where Rosie went on a tyrade and slammed George Bush, the war in Iraq, and Republicans in general. At this point, all the cast was able to do is lean back in their chairs and let Rosie's gums flap for 10 minutes. Donald Trump was right when he suggested everything Rosie has done has turned to poop. She's been axed from movie roles because of her attitude, asked to step down from her own talk show and give it to Ellen, and lost her own magazine too. They actually thought that Star Jones was hell on wheels? Star Jones was like a walk in the park. Barbie a bi-sexual? It would seem that way. Now, I always knew that Ken had some issues with his identity, but Barbie? Leave it to some smart collector who posted an ad for a Rosie doll on eBay. Bidding starts at close to $50. This leftover doll from the days of Rosie's talk show comes with a desk, CD, and a few other odds and ends. The folks at toy maker Mattel thought it would be kind of neat to market the doll under the Barbie namesake. Barbie must have not been too interested in sleeping with Rosie or even appearing as a guest on her show. The truth is, the guy that's selling this item pulled it out of the dumpster when Toys 'R' Us threw the remaining few boxes away. Not so bad and crunchy too! Yeah, yeah, yeah. All we've been hearing about are these doggone cicadas. They're ugly and they make a lot of noise. Soon it will be over for 17 years. Meanwhile, enjoy this recipe. It'll be a long time before you can enjoy this again.

Cicada Pie

1) A bucket of living cicadas. The bigger, the better.

2) Pillsbury frozen pie crust

3) Six Granny Smith Apples

4) 2 Tablespoons brown sugar

5) 2 Tablespoons cinnamon

Put the crust inside a greased pie plate. Add the cicadas and stick in the oven at 375 degrees. Put everything in...the red eyes, wings, and shell. Trust me, after 15 minutes they won't know where they're at. They'll be dead. Now, you'll want to remove the pie and finish adding the ingredients. Chop up the apples and spread over the top. Next, sprinkle the spices over the top and stick back in the oven for 1/2 an hour. Serve warm with some grasshopper ice cream.

Finally, remember Ashley Olsen? She's one of the twins from Full House. Actually, she's the one that was anorexic. She's 20 now and about to take on a role on the HBO series, Weeds. This time she's going it solo and won't Bob Saget be glad to hear that she's playing a lesbian with a female love interest! Hey, this is how Drew Barrymore segued her career from E.T. to the movies she makes today. Sex and smoking dope will be good for her. Where's Mary-Kate? Trying to talk Ashley out of doing the show. Sorry Mary-Kate, the deal is already inked. Now this is going to get interesting!

"North or South?"

...Let's get right to it. Rev. Jerry Falwell cashed in his chips earlier today and his demise inspired me to say a few words about the guy who just couldn't keep his mouth shut about anything. Kind of like his photo negative Jesse Jackson.

While the devil and God flip a quarter to see who will take the guy, let's take a look at some of his hijinks, bloopers and blunders that often times resulted in him going on CNN or FOX news to say a heartfelt, "I'm so sorry". Remember 9/11? While the buildings were still red hot and smoking, he went on television to say that Al-Quida shouldn't be held responsible. According to him, this was a longtime coming because God is angry at us for ruining everything in the Universe. He then went on a rant saying everything has become tainted due to gays and lesbians and rambled on to the point where when he was done, he managed to pick out just about everybody no matter of race, religion, or ethnicity. The next day, he was on again saying "I'm so sorry!" Next, when the Teletubbies became a hit in America, Rev. Falwell went on MSNBC to slam PBS for bringing homosexual characters into living rooms and programming children to be gay. Next day he was television again saying he's sorry about what he said (By the way, there was never any mention of what Teletubbies were however, his remarks didn't exactly help with long term success of the show). Going back to the 1980's when religion was more of a corporation rather than a church, Falwell warmed up to the infamous Jim and Tammy Fae Bakker. Kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing, he managed to get chummy with the two and even gave his approval to the rising success of Bakkers' "Empire". Most noteworthy here is that Falwell promised the Bakkers that if their religious based theme park "Heritage USA" ever got done, he would be there at the opening. True to his word, Falwell was the first to plunge down the log flume. As a sidenote, when the Bakkers fell on hard times and were trying to hang on to the little bit that was left, Falwell turned on them and went on television again to say Jim Bakker is a homosexual. He was even said to have been behind the Bakker's troubles as a way to move in and take everything they had. Again, he later gave another heartfelt apology on television. In the end, the biggest story of them all was his battle against pornography which was a major part of the Woody Harrelson movie The People vs. Larry Flynt. Over the recent years, Falwell was still putting his foot in his mouth, and saying he's sorry the next day. Only one "sorry" and all was forgiven. A month later and Don Imus is still apologizing. What's wrong with this picture?