A Free Gift For You!

Labor Day is here! Because you work hard all week, it's time to play hard!

Enjoy the holiday weekend with our Angry Angus Burger. In this case it would be appropriate to advise you not to "eat and drive"!

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS!!! I've never been more excited about politics and this election nonsense than I am today! The connfetti is still falling from Obama's speech in Denver last night, and now the excitement has moved east to Ohio where McCain has shocked the world with his pick for a running mate: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

If you're like me, you probably have a lot of questions that you want answers to in regards to her years of experience in politics. She's kind of "fresh out of the gate" in this race. The 44 year old is married with five kids and calls herself a "Hockey Mom". Governer of Alaska for two years, before that she was mayor of a small town, population 100. Immediately after hearing the news on the cable news channels, there were a lot of naysayers quick to jump on McCain for what many feel is a "poor decision" because she would be "just one heartbeat away" from the "Oval Office". Normally, I would have to agree with that however, when you read into this a little bit farther, what exactly are the odds of McCain dropping dead in the next four years? The quick answer here is that the odds are the same for everybody. Don't call McCain crazy or mixed up. He's not some old man wandering the streets trying to find his way home. He knew what he was doing here, and that's why he's all smiles. How would you like to have this former beauty queen cutie working a few steps away from you? If McCain is already accused of making bad choices and having cloudy judgement, how will the man be able to run the good ol' United States under these circumstances? I wouldn't be able to do it!

I think back on some of the poor choices that were made in the past when it comes to potential running mates and thankfully, most of them never made it to the job, like Geraldine Ferraro for example. Now, Palin may not have a long resume and may be an unknown player in this game but, at this point, who cares that she has no experience when it comes to foreign policies and other issues facing us? She gets my vote regardless! Over the next few months I'll be using the "Dogpile" search engine quite a bit. This is a good place to type a name in for all the dirt on someone all in one shot because it combones several sources into one easy search (you can access "Dogpile" right now in the column to the left). Within the past few hours, doing a search on Sarah Palin has come back with nearly triplr the amount of information as compared to this morning. Now is the time that all the "controversey" starts and we start to dig up all the dirt on this wholesome lady. For example, we now know that she is a big fan of drilling. Why else would she have five kids? She's got the look of a schoolteacher who lets down her hair at the end of the day and gets naughty like a porn star. Matter of fact, I look forward to "accidentally stumbling" across some Girls Gone Wild! videos of her. You know there has to be something out there somewhere! It's up to you...if you give a rat's ass about the economy, education , and the environment, vote Obama. Personally, I don't need anymore "Change". I've got enough in piggy-bank already!

"Rocky Mountain Hijinks!" The 2008 Democratic Convention

Welcome to The Keystone State/ Party City/ Home of the 2008 Democratic Convention and more! High up in the Rocky Mountains the air is thin and the locals are already restless. ...All this just because Borack Obama is coming to town and bringing the whole world with him! Now, who was the guy that thought Denver would be a perfect fit for a convention like this? Sure, millions of dollars are being circulated through the city limits however, most of the people who live there claim to be "Independants". In other words, they could give a rat's ass if it's Obama or McCain staying at the Howard Johnson's down the street. This convention brings a lot of unwanted attention to a place way up in the hills that just wants to be left alone! Can you blame them? Before Mr. Obama has even made an appearance before the large crowd, a storm of controversey already swirls overhead. In keeping with family tradition, a Kennedy had to speak to the masses yesterday and Sen. Ted Kennedy who was rumored to possibly not survive the excitement of the night came on stage and assured us that as ill as he may be and knocking at death's door, he's "Not ready to die just yet". Thank goodness he's planning on toughing it out as long as the late Sen. Strom Thurman did.

While Sen. Kennedy stole the spotlight for a while last night, the invisible Obama was there too, if only in spirit. While he's away working on Thursday night's speech and forging a couple last minute quotes from JFK and Martin Luther King, members of his opposition are frantically digging through pile upon piles of paperwork linking the Presidential hopeful to a 1960's radical group that tried to blow up the Pentagon. Whoever had the job of shredding these documents 40 years ago has proven they must have been asleep. While all this is going on, three people were caught in a failed attempt to kill Sen. Obama when police discovered explosives and lots of drugs connected to the trio. The government may have made an error here by not charging them with a Federal Offense. They claim that the three were just talking about what they'd like to do and the officials concluded that all three were just racist nitwits high on dope and really didn't pose a threat to anyone. Is this some new loophole in the law? If I were Obama and elected as our next President, that's the first thing I would look into. Reviewing history, most tragedies were caused by people who were "just talking" and look what happened next> Obama says he's not too worried,,, I say, you 've got to be kidding!

Some people are having a good time in Denver at someone else's expense. How else do you explain another common loophole that allows struggling corporations to throw lavish parties in honor of the Democrats when such a thing is supposed to be illegal? Here's the thing. It IS illegal to host a party intended for that purpose however, it is simply "overlooked" so long as no big dinners are served. In other words, take United Airlines and all their troubles. They too are celebrating in Denver this week where shareholders are spending money like it's going out of style yo grease the palms of all the Democratic hopefuls. And to think they have the nerve to charge you $5.00 for a bottle of Aquafina on a three hour flight!

Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton dined together after Hillary's speech this evening. They went to one of the local bar and grill establishments to sink their teeth into all you can eat Rocky Mountain Oysters and hot wings. Both seemed to be unphased when told that these particular "oysters" don't come from the sea. There you go. As this event hits it's mid-week peak before giving it up to McCain and Company next week, this convention remains as uneventful as all the others in years past (Oh yeah, let us not forget about 1968 in Chicago). I don't think all the excitement will change the way anyone in Colorado votes in November. As a matter of fact, the majority of those polled have stated that they'll be staying home on the second Tuesday in November and I can't blame them either. Think of all the things that Colorado has given us: You can go for a joyride up in the mountains in your Mercury Mountaineer while listening to John Denver on the CD player, drive until you get to a Denny's, stop off and get a Denver omelette and an ice cold Coors, and then go out to the parking lot where you realize you have a crapload of unpaid traffic tickets and that's why the "Keystone Cops" slapped that Denver Boot over your tire! God Bless America!

"Your guide to this Fall!"

HERE is where you'll find another failed attempt to improve your television viewing habits this Fall!

When it comes to turning lemons into lemonade, consider Disney owned ABC an expert in the art. In an ambitious and aggressive marketing campaign kicked into high gear today, the concept of "less is more" is the main element to what is thrown together for your enjoyment
Reality based programming is still alive and kicking with no signs of slowing down anytime soon, and game shows are also returning to the Fall schedule. ABC is rather confident that taking ideas from foreign television and putting an "American" twist on them will be their moneymaker. I guess there aren't enoughidiots here in the U.S. to dream up these crazy ideas on their own??!!

One of ABC's most successful original programs may very well be Jimmy Kimmel Live! The network bosses have stuck behind this show from the beginning and took it from being a ratings disaster to a number one draw in it's time slot. That is, until Jay Leno confirmed his decision to leave NBC soon. All of a sudden, the steam has been knocked out of Jimmy and his future remains uncertain, all depending on the prospects of Leno coming to work at ABC. To add insult to injury, Kimmel and his long time gal pal, Sarah Silverman have recently broken up. Even on his worst nights, a phone call to Silverman would result in an impromptu guest appearance. Then there's Kimmel's "Cousin Sal" who is rumored to branch out and do his own show on another network. When bad comes to worse, Kimmel could always rely on Andy Dick to come on and stagger around aimlessly for ten minutes and then pass out. Andy is in rehab again and although chances are above average that he'll be in and out several more times before the end of the year, he's no longer a guaranteed booking. Here's hoping that everything works out for everyone in the end!

Also returning very soon is another season of Dancing With the Stars. DWTS kept the dancers of the new season under wraps until today. Thankfully, I think America is growing tired of this circus act. Added to the lineup this time around are Lance Bass, Cloris Leachman, Susan Lucci, and what may be the show's "death blow", Ted McGinley. Their choice to add him as a dancer makes the future of the show a risky gamble in Las Vegas. He's usually added to the cast of any show to finally put it out of it's misery. Has DWTS "Jumped the shark"? We'll find out soon enough.

One of my few guilty pleasures of "Prime Time TV" happens to be Supernanny because I don't think there's a family anywhere with kids that are just THAT BAD.
"Jo" The Nanny, is a miracle worker to say the least. Taking on a family of six kids all under the age of ten and a year apart is no big deal to her. They can crayola all the walls and hang from the ceiling fans and within a matter of days they're all sitting at the dinner table saying "please" and "thank you". It's AMAZING! So, now that we know that show is a major hit, what would happen if we take the same show and have a man do the dirty work? It works well in England and they hope it will work here when Supermanny is added to the schedule as a "replacement" show following the death of whatever show comes first on the Nielsen Hit List. There's a 99.9% chance you'll be seeing this British import sooner than later! HERE is where you'll supposedly find it all, or so they say. Thank God again for a thing called "Cable".

"McCain picks a Veep!"

"Using a yard stick is good measure!"

Dumping the 21 and older law: "If you can slap your Benjamin Franklin on top of the bar, pull up a stool and have a beer!" A person's age is just a number, and it's a poor way to judge a person's maturity. Think about it: How many adults do you see prancing around and acting silly as well as the other way around? Six Flags and Disney don't have an age requirement to get on the roller coasters instead, they use a cardboard cutout of a person saying, "You must be above this height to ride this attraction". It's the old fashioned measuring stick that holds the fate of every little kids possibility of having a fun day at the amusement park. That's a great idea that should be put to use for everything, like the groups at battle with lawmakers in Washington hoping to get the drinking age lowered back to 18. Now, it's true that it's taken many years and a lot of red tape to raise the age to 21 in the first place but that law never took off that well. There's always some way to "beat the system" and get what you want if you really want it. Now, I've heard teenagers on television lately and others who write letters to the newspaper thinking that because they're old enough to get married and go to Iraq at 18 that they should be able to buy a six pack at the liquor store. That's a pretty good argument, but why only lower it to 18? Do like they do in Europe and if someone can reach the top of the bar and slap down a euro, they can buy whatever they want no matter how old they are. You may say this idea is nuts however, Europe doesn't have problems like we do in the United States. It should be expected that lowering age limits on entry to different places and purchase certain things will open the floodgates for a little while. Sooner or later though, everything levels off over time and when kids no longer find it a need to get a fake I.D., the excitement and challenge will wear off and the controversey will go away. High schools already have parts of the school put aside for pregnant students and some even have nurseries... What's wrong with having one wing of the school dedicated to rehab? The bottom line is, the economy can't get back on it's two feet by itself, we have to nudge it along to get it going again. This is a solution that benefits everyone from store owners to truck drivers and finally trickles down to being extra money in your pocket. It's been said that teenagers do most of their spending on leisure activities

"Texting BFF" and "Bigfoot Update"

Some people get it, and some people just don't want to get it: Texting for your support. This upcoming weekend is supposed to be filled with surprises in the world of politics. As November inches closer by the day, supporters on both sides of the political fence are waiting to finally see the selected running mates of McCain and Obama. We may know the answers to these questions as early as Friday, when Borack Obama is expected to do a campaign "first": Texting his supporters with his choice for a Vice President. The thing is, you have to be a registered Democrat and Obama supporter, and you have to find the Senator's MySpace page and have him add you to the list of his millions of friends. Hey Senator, thanks for the add and don't text me again! There's a lot of potential problems that go along with this idea. All these things sent out at once could cripple the system and shut down your provider however, the worse case scenario is that your personal information will be tied to Obama forever. That means that Sunday night you should be recieving a bundle of unwanted spam in your mailbox. Yes indeed, thanks again Obama! I don't have to worry about the possible fallout from this gimmick. I'm not registered for anything or any one political party and as a matter of fact, November can't come soon enough for me so this nonsense will finally end. Give a "Shout out" to Senator Obama for using texting in an otherwise boring campaign. He's an electronic wizard who appreciates all that Japan has given us which of course, puts him farther ahead of John McCain in that category.

McCain is computer illiterate and isn't gonna try and convince you any different. He knows enough of the basics to get by however, is more eager to pull out the old "Smith and Carona" and a stamp to send a message the old fashioned way rather than electronically. To be honest, McCain could care less about Blackberries and Apples. As far as he's concerned, these two are only good in pies. This could be a good thing for all of us. Remember how Matthew Broderick tried to fool everyone with computer know-how in Wargames? It's been said that Senator McCain's website has "Space Invaders" embedded in it so supporters can take a break and play. McCain says that's one of his favorites! It's been nearly 40 years since the game was created and the guy is just catching on! Imagine that! Nope. Keep this guy AWAY from all the computer mumbo jumbo. He doesn't understand it. It reminds me of when the Grandparents stopped by to visit one day in 1972 and saw "Pong" hooked up to the TV. The look of fright in their eyes will be with me forever. You would have thought aliens came from Mars and left the game behind by mistake. Gramps had to poke it with his cane to make sure it wouldn't explode.

Bigfoot was a big hoax! Of course we all knew that already, didn't we? Well, it's official now. The two pranksters laughed and laughed for "Punk'ng" us and just like the MTV show itself, it backfired. As it turned out, one of the gents involved in the fun had a rather prestigious job with the local police department and also convinced a couple of faux "medical experts" to spin this yarn. As a result, all are under review at their jobs and may be fired. Does it really take someone time to review a person's stupidity? None of their "concrete evidence" ever appeared until the end when the slab of ice was melted down and a gorilla suit was frozen on the inside. Try a little bit harder next time fellas!

"Bigfoot CAPTURED!, Skool Daze, and Eye to the sky"

Sasquatch finally found in redneck duo's "neck of the woods". Two drinkin' buddies get together over a six pack next to the campfire in the woods. One guy says to the other, "You wanna be rich?". The friend nods his head and grins..."You betch your ass I do!" and off went "Dumb and Dumber" to their college instructor to call a press conference and let the world know that one of history's mysteries only second to "Nessie" the Lochness Monster, has been solved. His name is Sasquatch and this person/animal/thing is said to be angry. Afterall, he's been on the run since before biblical times and he's tired. That's close to what their excuse was when they made their announcement and failed to produce any concrete evidence of Bigfoot's capture other than a leather glove (probably the "other" glove of O.J.'s) with contaminated DNA. The monster it seems, is tucked away in a secure spot deep in a mountainside near Roswell, New Mexico and just feet away from the 1947 UFO crash site where aliens are also still held. These two dopes thought someone was gonna believe them without proof? No body, no DNA, no pictures, ...no dice. Shot down again as another hoax and a poorly executed one as well. While all of America snickered at their "discovery" they DID manage to re-affirm one theory: Drinking beer on an empty stomach goes to your head a lot quicker. Enough said.

"Take your Deadbeat Dad/felon/convict to school day" in Chicago? Hard to believe someone actually thought of this idea as school gets set to kick off a new year. ABC 7 Chicago reported on this "heck of an idea" yesterday. The Rev, James Meeks and Rev. Al Sharpton have already caused a near riot with their suggestion of letting the Chicago "underprivelaged" school kids miss the beginning of school because of poor learning conditions. Hey, bussing was already tried once and ran it's course after a few years. To take these kids from the South Side and ship them up to Winnetka for eight hours a day won't solve the problem either. Thank goodness that someone else was listening except their solution isn't to worthy of being put to use either. Someone stood up yesterday and addressed the City of Chicago on a new idea to kill two birds with one stone on the subject of schooling. Since the prison system in Illinois is jam packed and 95% of Chicago kids have a father in jail or no father at all, the best thing to do is give inmates a free pass for a day so these guys can mentor a kid and scare the kid with "You'll end up just like me if you don't go to school" horror stories. The whole thing is way too crazy to believe and sends the wrong message. Is it safe to assume that a kid skipping school, failing, or dropping out will become an ID number in the prison system? Probably not. An earner of minimum wage most definitely, but not necessarily a felon. When grown men don't bother to pay for their children's child support or turn to crime or killing, this isn't a result of bad schooling or going to school in a bad neighborhood. A free pass for a day to accompany a kid to school? I suppose the temptation wouldn't exist to walk off the bus and start running. Conformity and reform are two things that go with jail, while you're in jail. Show any inmate an exit sign and he'll make a run for it no matter what. To the lazy parent "too busy" to keep on eye on the kids, the best education begins at home. Don't blame "the System". It's nobody's fault but your own!

A nice sunny day at the beach with the family? Grab a stick and some posterboard and let's protest ...for anything! Not everyone in Chicago was too content with packing a picnic lunch and enjoying the Air and Water Show. The recovering Bill Murray announced his plans to "fall off the wagon" again after leaping from a plane and asking for a drink. CSI star Gary Sinese and his band played on as aircraft whizzed by overhead and boats glided across Lake Michigan. What a pretty picture it was ..until a swarm of picket signs began swirling in the air, many of the folks eager to protest owever, not really sure what they were protesing for. Oh yeah, it seems that this show was just propaganda for Washington D.C. If you love to watch the jets flip and fling around with their silly stunts, you too can do the same thing if you join the Armed Forces. Seems that someone told someone who told someone else that the show was a recruiting tool to get the high school grads to sign up for Iraq, Afghanistan, and anyplace else. Although the group was rather small in size, they managed to heckle the passerbys and condemn the event and yes, the President too. I saw the print ads and fliers for the Air and Water Show and not once did I see Uncle Sam pointing at me and wanting me to be there. Don't we as Americans know what a good time is anymore, or must we find fault in everything? There's always gonna be one bad apple in the bushel barrel.

"To Russia With Love..."

"Dear Russkies: If you really want Georgia that bad, you can take ours!" George W. Bush may have started to pack away all his momento's from the past eight years, but he's still able to find time to "shake the tree" one last time before leaving Washington. As if an unfinished war in Iraq isn't enough as it is, the President has also left the economy in ruins and on the verge of cannibalism in order to survive. In the midst of all of this mess, Bush has also managed to act like a big police dog making sure Iran, Israel, and Russia all behave nice and get along. Things however, may be quieting down in the Republic of Georgia where Russia has agreed for the time being to back off any attempts to regain control of the Country. So it seems, the citizens in that part of the world are safe for now but, maybe not. Hey, if Russia wants "Georgia" so bad that they were going to start another war. Russkies, put your guns down and gather up all your tanks, planes, and missiles and go home! If you want THAT bad, take ours. We don't need it anyway!

Consider the United States to be like MTV's "The Real Life". All 50 of us friends, each unique, all live under one roof. We are all set in our own ways and get along with some better than others and occasionally, there's one of those "Puck's" that come along to give everyone in the house hell. Just like the roomies do on television, one day it's time to sit down and have a meeting while Georgia is busy doing something else. As everyone sits around and talks about all the good things and all of the bad behind Georgia's back, we finally have to ask Georgia, "What have you done for us lately?" We take a vote and kick the rabble rouser out the door. This is what we need to do. Think about this: Almost every big event in recent history has either started, ended, or passed through Georgia. It's kind of like the "Ellis Island" for the geographically impaired. It's true that much of what we read in the history books about Georgia has left a lifelong impact on all of us one way or another however, at the risk of starting World War III, Russia can just take it! I don't know about the rest of America but, life will still go on for me without some of Georgia's treasures of the 20th Century. The sun WILL come up tomorrow forme if Atlanta's Jeff Foxworthy is missing from the picture. He's proven that any knucklehead can do comedy with his "Redneck" humor, and anyone can host a game show like "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?". His cheesy mustache is more out of place than the new lead singer of Journey. If he were gone tomorrow, I wouldn't be looking for him on the side of a milk carton anytime soon. Another thing I can do without is peaches. Georgia IS the Peachtree State but, when you eat peaches, there's always something left over: the pits! That's something I can live without. How about "America's Team" the Atlanta Braves? Who says? The so-so baseball franchise got the moniker from former media mogul, Ted Turner who raised the team out of the ashes in the 1970's by giving a television deal on a new concept in cable tv: A Superstation. Not only could you have basic cable... now, you can have Superstation TBS and Brave's baseball anywhere you went. Even in a big baseball town like Chicago with it's two teams. Maybe this WAS America's team for a while, but who besides fans in Atlanta, can honestly say they'll forever follow the ups and downs of The Braves? Ted Turner liked the team so much and was so willing to embrace it that he eventually bought it... and sold it. Jane Fonda was more interested in using the money to further extend the property line of their Montana cattle ranch. In the end, Atlanta's wife and hometown saw through him and left him out in the cold. So, we wouldn't miss Georgia from the map. What's 49 states? One less than 50 and that's about it. Please tell Mr. Bush to save a spot on his U-Haul for "The Bulldog State".

"More Olympic fallout, real people, and Kanye's Phat intake"

Another case of "It's okay to change the rules of the game even if you're half way through" : Another Olympic gaffe! ABC News was first to report the story about China breaking the rules during the women's gymnastics events in Beijing. It seems as though the Olympic committee inadvertently skimmed over contestants birth date information which put several Chinese gymnasts years younger than the required age of 16. Oops! This is only the latest in a string of negative publicity generated by the


Beijing games. Some of the paperwork suggest that some of the girls competing are as young as 10 years old! You would think that such a discovery would lead to disqualification however, because of Red China's generous 3 Billion dollar effort to support the games this year, the whole incident is at the moment being overlooked .

"Hello Sandy Allen... Goodbye Sandy Allen" The "World's Largest Living Creature" passed away a few days ago at a nursing home in Indiana. The 53 year old Sandy Allen was listed in Guiness Book's World Records since the mid 1970's. When she was born, medical experts were shocked by her length however, more puzzling to all of them was what the sex of the baby was. Sandy was constantly growing until one day given harmones to stun her rapid growth. Her height while not much of a problem to her, inadvertantly made other things in life that we all take for granted even more trickier. Sandy never married. Her one wish was to one day make "sweet love" to a man unfortunately, Andre the Giant's death over a decade ago shattered that dream. Taking most of life in stride, Sally worked as a secretary for an insurance salesman who often bragged before she

took ill, "My wife has never had to worry a single minute of her life about me fooling around with my assistant". Sandy spent her later years traveling to schools to boost self-esteem for kids who feel they are different than their peers. Sandy also inspired the hit 1982 Split Enz single, "Sandy Allen".

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps' famous 10,000 calorie a day diet makes Richard Simmons see "Red". U.F.O.'s, ghosts and The Bermuda Triangle are only a few things that remain "unexplained". Michael Phelps is another enigma. Phelps sat down with NBC's Bob Costas to discuss a typical day of eating and bragged that his training regimin includes 10,000 calories a day. Almost immediately, excercise guru Richard Simmons chimed in to scold Phelps about the bad example he's making

to all the aspiring young gold medal swimmers out there anxious to put his diet into action. "Impossible!" Simmons quipped. "To eat 10,000 calories is impossible! You'd have to literally eat non stop around the clock!" Well Mr. Simmons, how do you explain all your followers who buy all your excercise crap? Do you think everyone got that way from genetics? The truth is, Mr. Simmons is partially right on this factoid. Such a person would indeed have to eat not only around the clock but, including the clock to consume that number. Who is Phelps crapping when he says a box of Aunt Jemima pancakes, a pound of fried bacon, two pizza's with the works, ice cream, and soda pop BEFORE breakfast is a good idea for anyone? Amazingly, when all is said and done, Phelps sheds it all off in time to win a total of seven gold medals (thus far) without breaking a sweat. Impossible? I think so. That's a hell of a lot of Gatorade and power bars! Not too surprisingly, Phelps is now downplaying his remarks and saying most of what he says is true however, some things were taken out of context. Too late. The horse already left the barn so it's too late to close the door. Tis story was all over television and the tabloids so, who do you believe? When the Olympics are over and Phelps is back on the couch for four years sitting in his speedos and eating Dorito's, at his age, his final jump in the swimming pool will be doing the bellyflop.

Finally, speaking of fat... How's about a giant Phat Burger with a little Kanye on the side? Trying to "up the ante" on Diddy, Kanye West is adding "Short order cook" to his resume as his love for California's famous Phat Burger expands Eastward to include the Chicago area. A Phat Burger is just what the name suggests: a monster sized hamburger so full of fat you can wring it out like a washcloth. Kanye 's big idea to bring the fast food joint to affluent Orland Park, a suburb of Chicago, is an interesting concept as the chain's clientele in California is on average, "lower, middle class". Almost all of the establishments in L.A. are in high crime, high drug trafficking neighborhoods. It is a done deal however, and Orland Park's store will be the first of five planned eateries here owned by the controversial Hip Hop star. So, get ready to belly up to the food counter and get greasy. Phat Burger with it's 1950's motif is certainly one place where "Grease is the word".

"Censored from Beijing"

Nearly a week after the opening ceremonies, the 2008 Beijing Olympics are well under way in Communist China. Because of censorship, NBC television can only show you what China wants to see. As always, there are plenty of unanswered questions. Here are a few:

1. Who was responsible for the Chinese National Anthem "switch-a-roo" and now that the cat's out of the bag, is the whistleblower in prison? Simply put...OF COURSE! How long did you think it would actually take for the Chinese to duplicate one of America's most famous tricks in show buisness: "lip-synching"?!! Milli-Vanilli did it and so did Ashley Simpson. The only difference there is, it took a while for us lame brained Americans to catch on. The fact is, we're wiser now. It only took a day to catch this blunder. The reality of all of this is that even though a t-shirt with Mao Tse Tung's face on it is still a hot seller at Chinese gift shops, taking a little homely girls singing voice and getting a "cute" little girl to "sing" the song on tv may be cruel, but it's a brilliant idea that is as red, white, and blue as America! Besides, in the end, both the ugly and cute kid got their 15 minutes of fame.
2. Since when has shooting a gun turned into an "Olympic Sport"? I've seen plenty of strange things, but this idea is the most bizzare of all of them. Charles Gibson ended yesterday's ABC Nightly News with a story about a 58 year old woman who is a "sharp shooter" and qualified as the oldest active participant in Olympic history because of her trigger finger. I realize that over the course of time, many things get added to the competition however, how long has shooting a handgun been considered a sport? As I recall the history of the Olympiad in ancient Greece, chariot races, running and maybe a shotput or javelin thrown in for the hell of it was about as far as it went. If shooting is now a ticket to compete in the olympics, Chicago should have gone after hosting the 2008 Olympics rather than bidding on 2016. The United States would win the gold in no contest, hands down. There already are quite a few odd events in the games...Why not add "drive-bys"?
3. Yao Ming. The name literally ricochets off the tip of your tongue. Remember the big stink a few years ago when The Houston Rockets drafted this 7 foot tall monster from China and gave him a multi-million dollar contract. The first season he was with the NBA, Ming's ugly face was all over the place on television. He was selling everything from American Express cards to Big Macs and raking in lots of money on the side. His ugly mug makes a head shot of Godzilla look like George Clooney and still, this giant freak-a-zoid remains a big draw on U.S. basketball courts. Americans have recently embraced the color green for everything so, why then, was this young man so put off to be a part of "Team USA" and go back home to be part of "Team China"? China's money is red so, someone needs to ask this guy while he's driving around in his Ferarri if he can understand what color a stop sign is. Does he stop or does he go? If he's not colorblind, he's simply taking advantage of a good thing. Never mind that the NBA puts food on his table. He says that his intentions were made clear at his signing that he would represent China. Good for him. I hope Homeland Security seized his suitcases full of $100 bills at the airport before he left...but I doubt it.

"Chef cooks up one last dish!"

"They would have wanted it this way. (OK, maybe not Isaac Hayes)" The entertainment world lost two of it's very own this past weekend and I would really feel lousy to overlook either one. The first one to cash in his chips was Isaac Hayes. Old folks like me will best remember him for his early 1970's when his song "Shaft" drom the movie of the same name, made it to the top of the charts. Don't kid yourself...this guy put out a lot of records since then and always had a large following. Women especially loved his deep baritone voice and found him "Sex-ay". All the whippersnappers out there can probably remember his contribution as the voice of "Chef" on Comedy Central's South Park. Hayes was always more than happy to lampoon himself in the cartoon however, he blew a gasket when writers of the show decided to poke fun at his religious beliefs. He was a Scientologist. After demanding a public apology that never came to be, Hayes packed up his stuff and left the show. His final "commercial" appearance came in the way of singing a jingle for Burger King. It was always believed that fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise had advised Hayes to quit the show regardless of who apologized. Hayes agreed that continuing on would cause L. Ron Hubbard to burn his soul for all eternity once he died and lived his final days under a dark cloud of dispair until he succombed to death on his own terms by suffering a fatal heart attack. Never the less, he will be missed. Now SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

What were you doing when you learned that Bernie Mac died? I was at home watching the news and hearing about Isaac Hayes dying when they snuck this one in. Bernie Mac was a guy with medical problems -LOTS! To hear the Chicago comedian was resting in the hospital never surprised me but this time, his stay was kept somewhat of a secret. All the tabloid/gossip shows worked overtime to find out where he was and what was wrong with the guy. Towards the end they say he had pneaumonia and THAT'S what killed him. I'm not so sure. This is where people tend to disagree with me. He was a workaholic who was always on the move and coming up with new projects. The truth is, his movies stunk. He was the black man's answer to "Ernest" in that he was always fumbling and goofing around on screen like an idiot. Not to mention, he had a thing for taking old scripts from classic movies and re-tooling them over to include a cast made up entirely of his family and friends.. If you or someone you know bought Bernie's rip-offs of Caddyshack and National Lampoon's Vacation on DVD and under different titles, can you honestly say that you ever broke the seal and took off the wrapper? Bernie Mac's movies take up nearly a whole aisle at Best Buy and usually sell three for $10.00. Bernie's show on Fox wasn't funny either. Seinfeld went off the air ten years ago and Bernie was one of the lucky ones that got a show later on when every comedian funny or not, man or woman, white, black or Mexican were given their own show. Now that's not to say that Bernie wasn't funny. You set the guy loose on HBO for an hour and he'd have you laughing. Too bad not everyone is lucky enough to have cable. Well, Bernie was a family man and earned an honest living too. Like many funny comedians, Bernie's death was untimely and for what it's worth, God bless him too!

"Chef cooks up one last dish!"

"Freeman, Feldman, and Favre: Revisited"

The Electric Company's rolling blackouts hit Hollywood hard! Morgan Freeman, the bookworm turned actor was finally released from the hospital following a nasty traffic accident. It wouldn't have been such a big deal had it not been for the fact that the young woman sitting next to him turned out NOT to be his wife. Two days later, Freeman's wife filed for divorce. The car accident was blamed on a temporary blackout, quite possibly the same one he experienced while signing on to The Bucket List

and that silly documentary with the penguins! Of course, Freeman got his start on the PBS show "The Electric Company" as "EZ Reader" in the early 1970's way before he bacame President in Deep Impact and helped Tim Robbins escape from prison in The Shawshank Redemption. Despite Freeman's recent bad luck, Hollywood and the rest of us still love him. There will always be a role for him as "God" in the next Bruce Almighty installment, whatever the film title is.

The Two Coreys and one Big Boring Story as seen on A&E. It's still hard to believe that the one time PBS clone with commercials aired the Russian Ballet and the history of the woodwind instrument in ten parts. That was twenty years ago. Today, it's all about The Sopranos and The Two Coreys. When I first heard about a reality show on A&E digging into the dark lives of former childhood stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, I thought it had to be some sick joke, until I saw it for myself. As you may or may not recall, Feldman was the one who was always getting into trouble years ago. Before he turned 18, he had already been doing dope and dating pornstars. Now, I guess I'm to believe that he's reformed and is the Corey with the common sense, while Haim is the one that needs all the help with his little drug problem. In last week's episode I got to see Feldman invite Haim to his house for a surprise intervention... those are always nice. They are in the midst of filming a Lost Boys sequel and Haim showed up on the set high on dope and unable to remember his lines. His excuse was that he took a pain pill for a sore back. Regardless of what the truth really was, Feldman and the others booted him off the set. They suspect an addiction to painkillers and crystal meth. An irate Haim stormed out of Feldman's home and claimed his friend set him up with the intervention as a cruel trick. Maybe it was. Afterall, one would have to be at their last rope to take life lessons from Corey Feldman in the first place. As the episode ended and Haim yelled at us viewers to leave him alone so he can die, all hope was lost that there would ever be a "part 2" to A License To Drive.

Madden's tour bus hits a speed bump but keeps on rollin'! To fans of the popular video game franchise known as "Madden (insert year here)", Tuesday may as well be Christmas. Not only is the release date of "Madden '09", but it's also been 20 years since the first release of the cgame and to honor this tradition, there is a special "Anniversary" edition of Madden Football also hitting shelves and sold seperately for just under $100! Now despite all the hoopla, who was the jackass that thought it to be a good idea to put Brett Favre on the cover of "Madden '09"? I think Madden and that no good Favre are in cahoots to lure collectors to the toy aisle to possibly find a gold nugget. Madden is a Brett Favre fan who salivates like Pavlov's dog whenever he sees him play. When Favre announced his retirement for the 18th time, Madden cried like a kid who just found out there is no Santa Claus. While most football fans were pointing and laughing at Favre's almost daily press conferences mulling his future, Madden was out there encouraging Favre to do the right thing, suit up, and play another year. At this point The Packers had enough of Favre and his hooligans and agreed to take him back but, not as a starter. From there, an angry Favre picked up his ball and headed to Tampa Bay for a day, and then to New York where good old #4 will now be a Jet. Here's the thing: While all this was going on, so were the plans to release Madden's game that already had Favre returning to the game as a Packer. As it stands now, with 24 hours to go, the rumor is that Favre will still be on the cover as a Packer however, once the game sells out there will be an updated version featuring him as a Jet on the cover art. Meanwhile, if you insist on Favre actually being QB as a Jet, a link will be available to download that will make the necessary adjustments to the game. But keep in mind, this link is only being included in some of the games being shipped. Bottom line is, you'd better buy four games for your PS3 to increase your odds of one day being able to afford sending your kid to college. For the moment though, because John Madden is afraid of plane rides, all the money earned will go directly into the gas tank of his big bus. This goes on sale at 12:01 A.M.

"Return to Sender"

The Brotherhood of The Traveling Briefs... Playtime is over and now it's time for some serious work to be done! 2008 hasn't been a good year for movies unless your film has "Batman" in the title. Let's face it, everything else has been released with a lot of fanfare only to become MIA from theaters a week later! Because of this, being able to label a flick soley on the fact that it "stinks" is impossible however, considering you can pay $12.00 to enjoy an empty movie theater for 90 minutes by yourself, here's one movie that I will talk about: The Sisterhood of The traveling Pants. While you need not worry about bumping into me at your local Cineplex to see this "gem", the story itself is a good one. I will admit, how they managed to pull off a sequel is beyond me! Here you supposedly have a small circle of girlfriends all in their teens who are like family in the first place. Throw a pair of jeans into the mix and let it make the rounds going from girl to girl. Pretty soon, what you have is a "diary" or a good head start for a movie about how these pants changed their lives as they make that sometimes bumpy transition into "Women". In other words..."B-O-R-I-N-G"!!! Putting "Batman" to the side, I knew this film was in trouble from the get go when they cast a woman in her 20's who plays the lead role in "Ugly Betty" as yet another teenager in this role. Couldn't get a real teenage girl to play the part? Obviously they didn't give Miley Cyrus a call.

Well, my thinking was to take another glance at the script and decide if such a thing can actually happen in real life. I'm not giving any credit to Levi, Lee, or any other manufacturer of denim for my story... No, as a matter of fact, all my kudos goes directly to Fruit of the Loom/ You know, the company that turned boys into men with their timeless briefs. It doesn't matter if they're "tidy whitey" or colored, or even if they have a overstretched elastic band. These things keep your most treasured jewels safe and secure. Wouldn't it be great if an old pair of underwear stains and all, could unweave a story all it's own? The plan has sprung into action my friends and I'll be checking in frequently to see where the pair of dirty underwear I deposited into the Salvation Army Clothing Drop Box will turn up next. The good thing about "the Looms" is that one pair can survive several generations of owners, each one having their own story about what the briefs did for them. Wouldn't it be great to trace my pair back to the 1800's when President Abe Lincoln put on a brand new pair right before he signed The Emancipation Proclamation? How about when Dillinger wore them to hold up his last bank or Buzz Aldrin wore them on his trip to the moon? Women fail to realize that men have always passed their shorts down from person to person many times without the new owner not even realizing it. Such an event happened to me as a boy when a stray pair of briefs ended up in my underwear drawer. They were cleverly mixed in with the others as if I didn't notice! It was around this time that I realizzed even underwear has the ability to become a "hand me down" so long as it's "kept in the family". Sure, you can't catch a disease from your own flesh and blood, can you? You're right. It is disgusting however, I made sure to attach a 3x5 index card to the pair I recently deposited so the new owner will know what to do to keep the story going. Just like releasing a balloon into a brisk wind, I expect my underwear to circle the globe with the lucky guy writing me back from Beijing to say he got my underwear, and read the card, and a willingness to extend a hand in friendship. Isn't that what it's all about?!