"More Political Mumbo Jumbo" and "Elsie the Cow"

"Will the real "Maverick" please stand up?" OR "James Garner: Dead or Alive?" You know, all this political malarkey of last evenings "Presidential Debate" got me to thinking about a name we've heard tossed around like crazy the last few weeks. That name is, "Maverick". Both John McCain and Sarah Palin have used this name to describe what they believe they both are going into the final days of their 2008 Presidential campaign. Kind of funny, isn't it? Afterall, Sen. McCain was critical of Borack Obama's links to some of the big shots in Hollywood. I don't know if he realizes this or not however, as I recall, there was only one "Maverick" and that guy had his home in Hollywood. The original "Maverick" was none other than James Garner. Oh yes, there was another "Maverick" after Garner, but do you remember how he ranked? When Mel Gibson took it upon himself to reprise Graner's famous role, nobody seemed to notice. The movie was a bust and that was said to be the role that started Mel Gibson's career to tank. Then I got to thinking about James Garner, the man himself. Is he living or dead? I dunno. As I recall, his last job in television was playing the father of Kate Seagal on the late John Ritter sitcom, "7 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter". I also recall him winning an Emmy for something recently however, he was too sick to accept the honor in person. I tried to find an answer to my own question by going through the proper channels however, no one is able to answer if Mr. Garner is still with us. I'd like to hear his thoughts on the latest attempt to cash in on the "Maverick" name in Washington D.C. Methinks he's hard to get a hold of for a readon. I just want him to realize that he will always be known as the one and only, "Maverick", and that may help sales of the show's DVD's if nothing else.

Speaking of politics, drug store giant Walgreen's has had second thoughts about some of the Halloween costumes they are selling at their stores. Surprisingly, this has become a "mountain from a molehill" type scenario that stems from the issue of campaigning in the workplace. While the sales of Presidential Halloween costumes has become a big seller in recent years, Walgreen's has decided that displaying masks of McCain and Obama next to a mask of a guy with a butcher's knife through his head is a bad thing. WHY? They say that they don't want to sway anyone's opinion of either candidate this close to November. In other words, am I to understand this right??? Walgreen's cheap rubber masks may determine who I vote for? May change my mind? Puleaazzze! As I understand it, this issue has now been placed on the back burner and Corporate has left it up to the individual stores themselves to decide if they wish to continue to sell this stuff. These guys are on the same shelf, so what's the problem? They're getting their equal time! If I want, I can count the number of Joker masks in comparison to Batman that are on display. I'm guessing there would be a surplus of Batman considering Joker's popularity, and darnit! That isn't fair. Just let me ring up my Altoids so I can get the hell out of here! Geez!

"No need to buy the cow because THIS milk is free. So Take it. Drink it. Please?!" and then in a scene straight out of "Cops", the cow was placed into the backseat of a police cruiser and taken to the station to be booked. That's the way it went down in this otherwise sleepy Ohio town when an intoxicated woman donned a cow costume and ran through the streets and local schoolyard taunting adults and kids alike to come suck on her udders. At first, she was referring to the udders sewn into the costume but later, took it one step too far when she pulled out her own breasts and begged the same thing of the school children who ran away in horror. She did get arrested for a number of things that afternoon and the police identified her as the "Town drunk, where it's only a matter of time before she'll be back for something else." Hmmm. No word if this was a random act of drunken stuper or a brilliant way to get Ben and Jerry's attention after rumors of their "Mother's Milk" ice cream was revealed. Thanks, but I'll stick to Sorbet.

"Fowl Ballz" finish off the season in Chicago!

Post-season baseball in Chicago is now officially D.O.A.! The bats however, are still swinging like crazy. Most of them smacking television screens with Superstattion TBS, your "official" MLB channel. Yeah, whatever! I can honestly say that I feel cheated. I honestly thought that the Cubs had it all together to pull it off this year...didn't happen. The Sox? They always tend to have good intentions but bad timing. They made it to the playoffs however, the fire got hot under their feet way too late in the season and quite frankly, they didn't deserve to be in the playoffs in the first place. I must admit that it was sad to see Ken Griffey Jr. make such a dissapointing exit. Like so many others before him, the Sox and Cubs rosters have become the resting place for one time greats to ponder retiring. Now that the season is over, the blame game has begun. Finger pointing and excuses from the ground crew up to the front office and including the players and fans. Afterall, someone has to take the blame! Let's put the money hungry players aside and take a peek into the future that, let's face it, doesn't look much brighter.

• The Cubs - Presuming there will still be life on earth and a game of baseball, it's important to keep the month of October 2108 open. If the Internet is similar to a time capsule, someone can pull up this post to see what I'm saying today. 2018 will be celebrated as the "Bi-centennial" of the Cubs last appearance in the World Series. At that point in the future, "Chicago" and "Cubs" will no longer go together like yin and yang. Heck, I predict as early as 25 years from today, the former Wrigley Field will be home to an IKEA store. Even the Cubs' most loyal beer guzzling, shirtless, face painted fans will have finally grown tired of the Cubs and the franchise itself will have made its way through several other cities before landing in Oklahoma City like the Seattle Sonics just did. They will be rebranded "The Oklahoma Tumbleweeds" and take baseball back to it's roots by offering tickets for under a dollar. No one will come to cheer them on except for the a few crazies who board a bus and go out there for a weekend. Ron Santos will still be alive and kicking and still drumming up support to get into the Hall of Fame. When did this all start to fall apart? That day back in the late 1980's that Roseanne Barr botched up the National Anthem. Oh yeah, you can blame it on that damn goat too if you really want. Heck, blame it on the man in the moon if you want... it's the same thing. When Lou Piniella drops dead on the mound next year while making a pitching change, he'll just be another statistic in the MLB history book along with all the others who gave leading the team to the "Big W".
• The Sox - This is easy. First off, this is 2008 and their World Series victory took place several years ago. Are we done talking about it yet? This isn't the same group of people that it was then. If you're like me, you too were probably puzzled the day that the Sox made Ozzie Guillen the manager of the team. I immediately saw a lot of potential problems. I now admit, I was wrong. Sure the guy is a loose cannon. His personality zig-zags all over the map. He can barely throw a full sentence together when he speaks, and is always on the brink of having a meltdown. That's exactly what the Sox needed before and this was a game plan that worked. The Ozzie of today pales in comparison. He just doesn't care anymore one way or another. Maybe he's mad at what he's got to work with or perhaps realizes that his name is on a long list of people who need to go. This is exactly what needs to happen. During the games against the Tampa Bay Rays, whenever the camera was on him, his mind was somewhere else. Oh yeah, this guy need not worry because he'll always have his photo in the main hallway at Comiskey Park with the distinction of leading the team to a World Series win however, bring in someone new for crying out loud! If things keep going the way they are, in 100 years the Sox may be relocated as well. This will happen a few years after MLB opens the borders and welcomes in the Dominican Republic. New teams will emerge out there like McDonald's. The Sox will call that their new home and Ozzie's kids will probably have a shanty across from the new ball park.

Hey if this game is just "a game", let's take it one step farther and consider new managers for both teams next season? Lou Piniella? Gone. How about "Captain Lou" Albano. A former pro wrestling great who made "Sports Entertainment" hip with his connections to Cyndi Lauper in the infant years of MTV. He's still alive, lost a little weight, and needs work. His last big gig was as "Super Mario" and he is said to love baseball. As for the Sox, replace Ozzie with Ozzy (with a "y" thank you very much). He's always going to be connected to "bats" for as long as he's around and perhaps a little bit easier to understand than Guillen. One big thing though, this Ozzy doesn't dwell on the past unless it's a VH-1 interview and he's talking about his days with Black Sabbath. He's also spontaneous and unpredictable and enjoys living in the moment. Maybe that's what this team needs. Now fellas, empty your lockers, pack up your bags, and take the bus to the airport and board a plane to go back home. You have a lot to think about...

"My Big Fat Weekend" compressed

The self proclaimed, "King of all Media" finally got "Sirrius" and married his longtime live-in girlfriend on Saturday in New York. The guest list was somewhat short like Howard's penis but went on as planned without any hooligans. TMZ reported that Stern became quite emotional when toasting his new bride and promised that while they were celebrating their union, all her favorite television shows were getting the TiNo treatment to playback later. This was the second marriage for Howard who got divorced from first wife Allison eight years ago. No honeymoon was planned following the wedding and Stern promised he'd return to his satellite radio show early this week. Before ending the night, Stern thanked his guests for attending and went into great detail about what he was going to do to his new bride sexually and how many times he's "gonna do it" He quipped that he may be taking Vicadin in order to get out of bed on Monday morning!

"Disney Corporation "gives" theme park as gift to spoiled Princess" Now, that's what the headlines of the L.A. Times should have read on Sunday morning. Miley Cyrus was given total access to Disneyland for the entire day this past weekend as a birthday gift. Only problem is, Disney was a few months off with the correct date leading her entourage to figure out "What exactly is the gift for?" True. "They" say that it was her "Sweet 16" but the timing is way off and I know for a fact that this weekend's festivities were labeled as being for a "BIRTHDAY" solely for tax purposes. "Ssshhh! Don't tell anyone" but Miley almost single handedly pulled Disney out of a big financial mess. You can refer to her as Hannah, Miley, or whatever you want however, thanks to her little show on cable, Mickey still has a place to live, even as the "Average Joe" contemplates how to pay the mortgage! You can't make it through an entire day without hearing something related to the corporate giant. If you're a shareholder of any type of stocks and haven't thought about jumping off of a bridge yet, you probably have stock in Disney. The new Wall Street is now located in a spot where a monorail and trolley tracks run through it. It's not as bad as it sounds though. We can all take advantage of Disney's winning streak for the entire upcoming year. While we can''t change the "DisneyLand" sign by adding our name to it for a day like Miley did, we can enter one of the two parks for free on OUR BIRTHDAY! The bad thing is if your big day falls in December. You see, by this time next year a round trip plane ticket may cost you half of what you have in your 401K! At that point, is shelling out $100 for one admission to Disney a big deal? ...And don't forget the hotel tab on top of that! This is one present that Mickey can keep. I hate presents with two pages of small print!

Disney's hate film sneaks across the border to earn top spot in movies. What do you do with three unemployed Mexican comedians who are still under a big contract but haven't done anything productive lately? Throw them all together in a good, old fashioned, "tug at your heart strings" film that rains stereotypes and ethnic jokes like a hailstorm. There were Three Amigo's standing outside a casting room at ABC Studios in Hollywood. One Mexican guy used to be funny and had his own show before he bacame a regular on Hollywood Squares. Another guy made his living as a weed smoking "Chicano" who along with his sidekick named Tommy Chong made funny movies in the 1970's. The Last guy thought he had the world by the "webos" until he showed up to work on the set of his own show one day to find out it got the axe. I'm talking about Paul Rodriguez, Cheech Marin and George Lopez. All of them had a burrito dangling from a fishing pole placed in front of them when they signed on to voice little doggies in Disney's latest attempt at humor, Beverly Hills Chihuahua which opened this past Friday. It's no secret that these guys have put up a fight when it comes to being stereotyped however, all three were victims of ABC "scheduling conflicts" that made their shows fade into the sunset. You can cry and stomp your feet in protest all day long or you can swallow your pride and grab a sombrero and a bottle of Cuervo and go to work. These poor souls have been collecting dust for years so, they have nothing to lose. Sorry. I didn't see the movie but, I'm told it's full of thinngs that Disney should be ashamed of. I wonder what will happen when this film hits DVD. Will it get lots of fanfare like other Disney movies, or will it become a dirty word like Disney's Song of the South and get thrown into the Disney vault as a blunder to never be heard or seen again?

"Pork Chop of the Month"

The Pork Chop of the Month

(Tie)

Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell

You know the situation…You have the tv turned on as you fall asleep when all of a sudden an infomercial appears with one of those familiar faces telling you about something you don’t own but can’t live without. You buy it, and then you realize you never needed it in the first place! In other words, you’ve just been had! That’s why two people get the nod for winning “The Pork Chop of the Month”: Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell. These two often show up in your bedroom uninvited and on different channels. Sometimes they appear on multiple channels at the same time making television viewing a pain in the ass!

Take Billy Mays for example. This S.O.B. wiggled his way into hearts and wallets at the same time. He’s been a lifelong pitchman for all those “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?” products. He started out selling a “waterless” washing machine in the early 1980’s and used the experience to catapult himself to an entry in Wikipedia. Who would have thought that you could turn ordinary oxygen that we breath into a powdery substance to add to the wash? That’s “Oxi Clean” and admit it… we’ve all tried it. The fact is, all they’ve done is added air (which by the way is readily available and free) a powder that serves no purpose, and shoved it into a margarine tub with a seal and a fancy label. So great was the hype behind this new “breakthrough product” that appliance giant Maytag added a special dispenser into new washing machines exclusively for the product. Billy has also given us plenty of gadgets that we know we needed, bought, and threw into the junk drawer. “anywhere shelves”, “add a lightswitch”, “magic putty”, “ding away” and a health insurance plan that covers anyone with no questions asked and dirt cheap as well! So, where’s my “Oxi Clean”? In one of several of my “As seen on TV” drawers!

Next up is Cathy Mitchell. Who is she? She’s like your best friend’s Mom. Friendly, always concerned< eager to show you shortcuts with everyday hassles of cooking and cleaning, and she’s jolly on top of that!
Maybe a little too jolly. Don’t forget to toss in “annoying” to the mix.
Now, I don’t know about you however, I’ve had plenty of sleepness nights wondering about what to do with those extra cans of Pillsbury Crescent Dough I have in the fridge. Luckily, Cathy Mitchell was there to show me her electric gadget that uses the dough to make “pocket snacks”. Did you know that all you need is a couple of eggs ans some of yesterday’s leftover ham along with a pinch of cheddar cheese to make your own breakfast sandwich for the car on the way to work? While you’re at it, you can make meals for the entire day. I discovered I can do exactly with it, what I can do without it: Nothing. It makes for a good paperweight to place in front of the door on a windy day. Cathy always makes sure to mention her kids in her ads. I’ve gotta tell you, I feel for them. She suggests that many of these gadgets work well and allow your kids to make new friends at college. Yeah right. Who cares about cooking when there’s always a pizza joint nearby? If Cathy Mitchell endorses a new lamp to grow weed or a portable distillery to make your own hooch, that’s the kind of stuff that attracts new friends to the dorm room! Show me a college freshman with a sandwich maker and I’ll show you a kid that has no friends and a lot of leftover sandwiches. Oh, it gets better. Just recently Cathy unveiled a new twist on an old idea by selling a machine that makes donut holes with bisquick. It’s the same as the other except you can make bite sized snacks anytime of the day or night that taste exactly as advertised: hot pancakes. I like mine stuffed with ground beef and blueberry jam as a “brunch” item.

Both Billy and Cathy recently introduced us to a new invention and each one has it’s own trademark but basically do the same thing: Make clones of White Castle hamburgers. This is exactly what we all need… a George Foreman grill (“Hulk Hogan” in the U.K.) hamburger press that spits out little square hamburgers! The ads suggest that these new snacks are the latest rage in one of those franchise restaurants. Stupid idea? Maybe. Did you or I put these things on the market? Nope. Enough said.