"Help catch this sneaky cat"!

Please note: The usual posting format has been interrupted today as I search for the above missing kitty cat. Missing one month ago today. Last seen an hour ago. Is supposed to answer to "Pumpkin" but doesn't listen.

Pumpkin The Cat has been a part of the family for nearly 10 years and was a good cat who was loving, loyal, and always by my side. One day a month ago, Pumpkin got into trouble as she pulled open the door and went to "the other side" of the basement. An area that is made up of empty boxes, Christmas decorations, old kitchen appliences, and yes, lots of neat places that a cat loves to hide. Since my last visit with Pumpkin, she has gone incognito and only makes a brief appearance every now and then during the day however, does most of her sneaky work in the wee hours of the morning when she comes out to eat her food, drink her water, and make a doodie in her litter box. They say that to catch a bear, one must use honey. If that's the case, how do I catch a cat? This is where you, the reader comes in. Maybe you've had the same thing happen to you. Perhaps you work, or know someone employed with PetSmart or Petco that has a good idea. Please submit your ideas to this site or post your comments at the end of this message. Pumpkin needs your help and quite frankly, so do I.

Three out of a million gripes"

"Hey Bob, how do I fix this mess?" And the headlines should have read, "Bob Barker turns Chicago upside down"! The former Price is Right host came to Chicago yesterday to give his two cents worth on the one big problem on Earth that worries all of us: The exploding pet population. Well, I guess Chicago is as good a place as any to kick off a travelling awareness program. Mr. Barker says that Chicago is one of the worst places for unwanted pets. Ahh yes, it must be nice to be retired with nothing to do but worry about petty stuff like this. Now, maybe if Bob came to Chicago to talk about gangbanger shootings, crime, and drugs, someone would actually pay attention! Obviously, Mr. Barker has made the pets thing a number one priority, so maybe we should just sweep all the other crap under the rug??!! If Bob Barker is tired of retirement already with an "itch" to get back to work like Brett Favre, maybe he should rescue Drew Carey from that train that's headed on a collicion course with extinction. When Bob called it quits, so did 99% of the audience. Maybe Bob thinks that digging deeper into his philosophy of preventing the birth of unwanted animmmals is a good thing by coming here to yell at Mayor Daley but, we already have enough to worry about! Besides, I'd like to help out however, I'm not sure if my pets "Izzy" and "Floppy" need to be spayed or neutered.

This could be the "Big One" Elizabeth! California residents were a bit rattled yesterday by the rattling under their feet as one of those common earthquakes shook things up. This time was no different than any other, except for the fact that this time around, the media has managed to turn this natural event into the coming of "The Apocolypse". You don't really need a needle zig-zagging on a giant roll of paper to realize that California is already on borrowed time however, yesterday's quake came with the same "aftershocks" that accompanied Orson Welles' War Of The Worlds radio broadcast. Sure, people are on edge already as it is but, yesterday's quake drove people to contemplate jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge miles away from the quake's actual epicenter. In Los Angeles where it was felt the most, most people went about their business unmoved while others thought for sure that they were experiencing a Hollywood sequel to 9/11. Within the heart of Hollywood itself, several productions were halted until the "all clear" was given. One "Super Trooper" named, Judge Judy Scheindlin was temporarily sidelined under her desk for a half an hour while her studio audience ran for the hills. When the quake ended, Judy didn't miss a beat... she was back pounding her gavel and awarding the case to the plaintiff who got run over by the stray shopping cart with the wobbly wheel at Cosco. All Judy said was, "A quake ain't gonna stop me!" however, thanks to a lone camera left running, we later saw on YouTube that Judy actually does have emotions like a real human as she stared into the eyes of death for just a minute. When "The Big One" really comes to California, the state will split drom the rest of the West Coast and float as an island for the next three million years until it finally circles the globe and re-connects to the East Coast somewhere around New Jersey.

Satellite radio merges to create "Sirius" pay to listen crap! They knew this would happen all along however, they never thought it would take so darn long to finally merge two competing satellite radio networks into one giant conglomerate. XM and Sirius are now two names brought together although no one seems to be sure if the "XM" will be at the front or at the back. I do know this...radio was meant to be free. Nothing on the dial gets me so wound up to make me willing to pay $29.99 a month. Not Oprah, Martha Stewart, Howard Stern, or Bob Dylan spinning his favorites from his own personal record collection is worth the price. And yes, there's a lot of that kind of nonsense out there. Satellite radio is a platform where any dimwit can speak his or her mind for four hours a day or more. Anyone can get their own show. Bruce Springsteen's roadie gets for hours a day to play his favorite Springsteen songs and Richard Simmons gets four hours to talk about fat kids. There used to be a name for people like this when it came to television. They were the Steve Lawrence's and Bill Cosby's that used to "fill in" for the vacationing Johnny Carson for a night. Does anyone really care to listen to what former Styxx lead singer, Dennis DeYoung's favorite show tunes are? There's already enough crap to choose from on the radio...and it's free. Remember HDTV? Here we are 30 years later and we're finally going to get it, NEXT FEBRUARY.

Odds and Ends

"Hey Lady!!! I've gotta gun type thing here in my hands and maybe I'll shoot actually!" Jerry Lewis came "thisclose" to being arrested today at the Las Vegas airport for gun posession. This isn't an actual photo of Mr. Lewis, nor is it a shot of the Las

Vegas airport. A matter of fact, it's not even the correct gun. The truth is, the comedian/ host of the annual MDA telethon is already fine tuning his big Labor Day extravaganza when he simply forgot he had a weapon in his suitcase while passing through security at the airport. A silly mistake that could happen to anyone, right? Ever since making the film The King of Comedy in 1980 with DeNiro and Scorsese. (a movie in which Jerry Lewis gets stalked by a young comedian) Mr. Lewis has been a little

bit on edge. Now, anyone else would be drawing hash marks in chalk in a jail cell right now however, when you're a big shot like Jerry you merely get a slap on the wrist, sign an autograph, and pose for a picture. Good thing the gun was discovered now before good pal Ed McMahon joins him in late August on TV. The poor man has enough trouble already.

Erin Go Broke? YES! Bennigan's files Chapter 7. In yet another sign of our troubled times, Everyone's "Famous corner bar and grill" surprised lunchtime crowds that approached the eatery by displaying "out of business" signs on the front doors today. Let's be honest... contrary to what they say, the restaurant never was a diamond in the rough. The menu is a Xerox copy of Applebee's, Chili's and TGI Fridays. Oh yeah, it had an Irish atmosphere too however, ironically never was the place to be on St. Patty's Day. Management and other employees all the way down the list were called at 3 AM and told the bad news that their workplace was closed and that they wouldn't receive a paycheck for the last few weeks either. Keeping with the Irish spirit, many employees got dressed and headed out the door in the middle of the night to get drunk. Now, you might ask why I mention this latest tragedy... let's see what impact this has on our economy primarily, on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where the chains highest grossing bar and grill would regularly have a line out the door at noon. ...a line made up mostly of thirsty runners from the nearby Chicago Board of Trade. Cotton mouth indeed.

Please don't lick that cheese residue off your fingers That is, unless you're a Heathon. In the always bizzaro world of eBay auctions, add another item to the list of "things you can't live without"... a six pack of Natural Light, a joint, and the munchies was all it took to convince one woman that her bag of Cheeto's was a sign from God. Look close at the photo of the Cheeto and see the image of Jesus. Television stations picked up this story to insert as a "kicker" to the end of the nightly news however, this story shouldn't just be brushed off. Like much of the unexplained, observers tend to draw their own conclusions of what they see from deep within. Some people see Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich while others see him at church on Sunday. If there was anything to be learned before the woman stuck the Cheeto in her mouth, it was that although the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways, he's probably not holding out hope that any normal person will see him on a puffed corn snack with artificial cheese flavoring and lots of chemicals that you can't pronounce. This lady got the message though. She put the Cheeto to the side and was so moved by it that she refused to sell it or put it on public display. That is, until the Las Vegas casino that has the tree and grilled cheese in their collection and on display phoned. Now the lady is casting religion aside putting a high price on this morsel. The irony here is that yes, everyone does have a price, money is the root of all evil, and the devil himself works for eBay. At last glance, the current bid was $20. Amen.

"Strange but true" and "Are you smarter than a weatherman?"

"Now see what you made me do?" Those were the last words that 57 year old Robert Kowalski of Wisconsin said to his wife as police slapped the handcuffs on him and escorted him to the squad car. Bob was still coming off a bender from the previous night when his wife called him a drunk and scolded him for being lazy with the chores and Bob, who was still in a stuper, stumbled outside to mow the lawn. Unfortunately, the lawn mower failed to start. Bob kicked and cursed and finally had enough as he went inside and got a pistol and returned to the front yard to "teach that dang lawn cutter a lesson" by firing several shots at it. No, the lawn mower still didn't start however, just suffered a transmission fluid leak. Meanwhile, Bob's wife was indoors peeking through the blinds while dialing 911. When police finally arrived and asked Bob what was going on, an irate Bob snapped back at them, "It's my lawn mower and I can shoot it if I want to!" From there, he was placed under arrest and faces several charges along with a fine of $1000 and possibly six months in jail. I don't think Bob's wife will be doing any bitching at him in the near future. By the way, the lawn mower is expected to make a full recovery.

Finally, The Weather Channel gets something right! Fresh off the heels of the Meteorologist controversey of several months ago when an "on-air" talent was booted off the set for sexually harrassing a female co-worker, TWC is going back to good old fashioned "family friendly" programming, and kicking things off with a new contest that will perhaps have Al Roker terrified of his future: Let your kid predict the weather. It's easy and you can upload your videos at their website. They'll play the clips on the air and the kid that nails the forecast closest will be invited to Atlanta to take a tour of the their studios. Hey, this is a good thing. I studied meteorology for a few years and while there's a lot of technical terms and jargon thrown around like doppler and NEXRAD weather radar, the truth is, forecasting is really basic stuff and you don't need a million dollars worth of electronics and computers to do it either. Pick a few major cities to the West of you and check on their weather conditions froma few hours ago, do some simple math, and you can pretty much tell what's going to happen where you live. If a middle aged man or woman can do it, why not your little one? Although I welcome the idea of a toddler standing in front of a green screen, is this the best prize TWC can come up with? How many kids out there are putting the pressure on their parents to go to Atlanta for vacation?! When TWC first began on badic cable, all that you got was a satellite map and a weather forecast scrolling the bottom of the screen. In 2008, TWC has evolved into a spitting image of FOX News Channel where three people sit on a couch in the morning, sip coffee, tell silly jokes, and yes, talk about the weather. It's turned into a sick business and resembles The Today Show. It would be quite a hoot to see a little kid making a doodie in his pants while pointing out the next hurricane.

"Two sides to this Berlin story" and "Half a buck"

"Will that be paper, or plastic?" As we check in on what our two candidates for President have been up to, let's just say that John McCain has had a rough week. The Senator was seemingly left behind by all the media here in the U.S. whil Obama took his show to the road. The two, with all their differences aside, had agreed to visit Berlin. While McCain made the trip to Berlin, PA, Obama opted for the real deal in Berlin, Germany. You may not be an expert in politics however, as you probably know, there's a rule in television that mandates equal time for both political parties to present their views. Well, someone dropped the ball here and forgot to remind all the major news networks that McCain lost his boarding pass and got "lost" like a Gucci suitcase in an airport luggage rack. Turning lemons into lemonade, McCain wiggled his way through the busy streets of the Pennslyvania town to greet the common folk and do a little grocery shopping at the local A&P. "Americans aren't just getting taken to the cleaners at the gas station" he says, "it's no picnic shopping for the essentials either." The crowd in the store agreed as McCain was quick to point out the price decrease of approximately three cents a gallon for gas and suggested "President Bush deserves all the credit for the price drop!" Keep in mind that if you can find two extra pennies in your pocket, add that to the three cents you saved and perhaps you can stick that nickel in a gumball machine! McCain walked up and down the aisles with shoppers spreading his good cheer throughout his visit by sneaking some of his favorites like Mott's applesauce and Honey Nut Clusters of Oats into unsuspecting customers shopping carts and pulling the old, "I left my wallet in my other pants pocket" routine at the checkout counter. He did accomplish one thing however, and that was he got to meet people from other parts of the world all under one roof without going on a plane ride!

"Sorry Senator Obama... the peanuts are now $4.00 a bag and a can of Coke Classic is $3.00!" Yes, there was a time when a trip to the other side of the world on a big airline would guarantee you'd at least feast like a king with prime rib, baked potato and a tall glass of wine with baked Alaska for dessert. Obama found out the hard way that he was only wearing the President of the United States' shoes just to see how they fit and not for keeps...yet. From the Middle Eadt to Europe, Obama has been making all the important stops and meeting all the important people along the way. The people in Israel loved him despite the fact that he criticized that Jeruselum wasn't exactly how it is portrayed in The Bible. He also seemed a little confused with some more important milestones in 20th Century history while in Berlin after addressing a large crowd that was lured to see him by American propiganda promising Madonna would be there. "It is time for us to tear down this wall in Berlin!" he shouted out. Obviously forgetting that President Reagan said the same thing back in the 1980's. Nobody in the packed crowd blinked twice.

"Nothing on Taco Bell's value menu is Fifty Cents or less...except for the hot sauce" Now here's a nifty idea: Seems as though the promotions and advertising people working for Taco Bell are a day late and a dollar short when it comes to new ideas. The little doggie was killed off years ago from the commercials at the prime of the little guy's career, and then it's been sownhill from there ever since. By the way, the dog was never chpped up into hamburger meat for the Chalupa...he's living in seclusion somewhere in America reaping the benefits of his hard work. And along comes Detroit's Fifty Cents to the rescue. The famous rapper who incidentally, is most famous for being the target of "drive-bys" on the street is already bowing down to "the man" for the opportunity to pitch Vitamin Water. Yeah, Fifty Cent quenching his thirst with water is about as honest as Amy Whitehouse staying in detox for more than thirty minutes. Taco Bell made him an offer that he couldn't refuse: to promote their value menu for just one day, the gangsta rapper would change his name to 79, 89, or 99 Cent. Clever eh? He'd get paid a bunch of money for the silly ad and have to live with a silly name like that for a WHOLE day! As if his name isn't silly enough already! "It's not appropriate for my client's good name" his attorney wrote to Taco Bell execs, and the offer was quickly rejected. Once Taco Bell gave up asking for his permission, plans moved ahead to go with the promotion regardless of Fifty Cents' participation or not. Now the thug is biting back at The Bell and nipping them right where it hurts, in the wallet! It's good to know that even after all his rhymes about pimpin', dopin', and stealin' that he still does have some scruples left and his name escapes intact without a scratch.

"14 years later, IT'S HERE! Well, sort of..."

The votes are in for "Chinese Democracy" and Confuscious say, "Not too shabby"!

The Guns and Roses timeline:

• 1994 - Use Your Illusion I and II are released and Guns and Roses goes on hiatus until further notice.
• December 1994 - Lead guitarist Slash begins a long lasting feud with singer Axl Rose that would eventually lead to the bands demise.
• 1998 - A bootleg recording of a new song from a mystery group surfaces and sparks rumors that the new sound is actually Gun and Roses working with Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. This was later debunked.
• 2001 - Rumors swirl again of a possible Guns and Roses reunion along with Slash. A performance was allegedly set to take place at an AMA or VMA show on live tv. Although several people report the group rehearsing backstage, the band never materialized on stage.
• 2002 - After years of nothing but hearsay, Axl Rose appears on VH1 Classics to say that a number of new songs are in the works along with a new album. Ironically, it was already given a title of Chinese Democracy when decoded, is actually meant tongue-in-cheeck as something that will never take place in our lifetime. Was this a real story, or was Axl screwing with us?
• 2003 - A sloppy group of studio musicians come together and surprise everyone with an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Though the group went by the moniker, Guns and Roses, the only familiar face was Axl Rose. A "mini tour" was announced as well as a release date for the new album. Sadly, after only a few concerts, Rose fired the current lineup and thus began several years of new release dates for the new CD.
• 2007 - In April, a final release date for Chinese Democracy is set. Axl Rose quickly changes his mind again and then says the album is on hold due to legal issues. Rumors come around again late in the year that 2008 would finally see the new album come to fruition.
• 2008 - In April of this year, Axl Rose hand deliversdemo reels to his record label to show he is serious this time. Several new tracks are on the reels and left in an office where they ended up missing. They resurface at the end of the month much to everyone's surprise, on a record company employee's blog that offers listeners a chance to hear the songs first on his website. Axl's attorneys file a "cease and decist" order to take the 5 tracks down. By this time it was too late. Hackers had already found a way to download the songs. 16 tracks remain under tight security. The album is finished, done, it's over. It sits on the shelf for now and still no release date confirmed...but hey, at least it's done.

It was on Use Your Illusion II that the song "14 Years" appeared approximately 14 years ago. Coincidence? Maybe however, the fans were taken for a long ride for a decade and a half. I never saw what all the fuss was about with this group anyway. In the late 1980's they came like wildfire and Axl Rose was placed on a pedestal as an "Icon" for whatever reason. It wasn't just the music that reeled people in, it was all about the drama. The dark history. The drugs, booze, abuse, and estranged relationships of the band that made them appealing. The run down and neglected boyhood home of Axl Rose in LaFayette, Indiana had a long line of onlookers hoping to catch a glimpse of any of Axl's relatives. The joint was turned into a shrine by fans, but later condemned.

I guess I am one of the last folks in the world to get a hold of these five songs. It took some time and was kind of risky considering where you find them online can result in your downloading a potential virus as well. Although I'm not exactly a fan, I do have all of GNR's material on CD just because I can. I figure my neutral stance would work well in reviewing what we've all been waiting to hear for all these years. I was really surprised. The music is done quite well. It's a bit of a change in sound for Axl and the band...whoever they are. If there's a radio station out there that still has rock in their arsenal, chances are you'll hear these soon, if not already. There's two possible albums with two versions of cover art. I don't know if the 21 songs will be on one disc or two either. All I know is, Axl better not drag his feet after this hits stores because they guy is flirting with 50 already. I can't imagine another 14 year buffer zone between albums with a 64 year old Axl on lead vocals. Although I was tempted to place these songs on my blog, the fact remains, Axl STILL has more money than me, and more lawyers than me. You're on your own but, it's worth the effort to look for these!

"14 years later, IT'S HERE! Well, sort of..."

Christian Bale celebrates the success of a record breaking box office weekend by beating up his mother and sister...Allegedly!

"The Jimmy Finger"

"The Jimmy Finger" is for the nervous hand that grasps the remote control for the television. The finger that is used to push the button that changes the channel. Sometimes this finger twitches and behaves almost as if it has a mind of it's own. This guidde will help scratch that itch!

• The Family Feud (Al Roker edition) - NBC - "Name something with two wheels that a person may ride" (crickets chirp). It's a battle of the nitwits this week on The Family Feud. This time around joining the always jovial Al Roker on the survey game will be Alums of Vh-1 reality shows. Look for Christopher (Peter Brady) Knight and his weirdo wife bicker back and forth as they air their dirty laundry publicly. Joining the competition later this week, will be none other than the gang from Orange County Choppers and TLC's American Chopper. Keep in mind as you watch, that Poppa Paul Sr., Jr., and Mikey and Co. are as dumb as a box of rocks. Prior to the taping of the show, the whole group had to be sat down and briefed about what the game show was all about. In other words, the siblings have never seen nor heard of it. Rumor has it that they still struggled throughout the game scratching their heads. Ah yes, now this is what television is all about. Verrrry interesting!
• My Life on the "D" List -BRAVO-/ Larry King Live-CNN - Everyone just loves the quirky, "in your face" style of comedy that comes out of Kathy Griffin's mouth. She's such a hoot and is so popular this year that it makes Sarah Silverman wish she'd have hung onto Jimmy Kimmel a few more months... Maybe she wouldn't be playing the Horseshoe Casino. Watch Kathy shoot from her lip as she comments on homosexuality, who she's slept with this past week, and why it's such a bitch being Irish and having naturally red, curly hair. See her on BRAVO and then for another appearance on Mr. KIng as they both schmooze it up together. Watch as Larry asks her silly questions and doesn't bother to wait for her answer. Also, see Larry roll his tongue back into his mouth when a caller from Jupiter, Florida asks Kathy Griffin if "the carpeting matches the curtains". Kathy may also turn up on The View while making her rounds, while she tap dances around the issue of her own sexuality to a nervous Barbera Walters who has her finger poised on the panic button.
• Beverly Hills 90210 (marathon) -The "n" - See the weak and often repetative storylines as they were back in 1990 BEFORE DeGrassi: The Next Generation took the idea to Canada and recycled everything over again. Gearing up for a revival of it's own, 90210 is responsible for the successful careers of.... of.... exactly. See Shannon Doherty as she was back in the day when she'd still keep her mouth shut as Brenda. As you watch, keep in mind that behind the scenes of that show, Doherty thought she was too good to be there and had her agent working hard to cast her on a new WB show called "Charmed". Also keep in mind that after Doherty left the cast of both shows fighting amongst one another in real life, she already moved on to host "Scare Tactics" on SCI-FI. This marathon is perfect timing as she announced her plans to do an old friend a favor by returning to 90210 on CW. Not too surprising is the fact that after her announcement at a press conference just last week, several members of the cast of the new show have already had a change of heart and decided to take a pass rather than work with her.

"My turn at Bat" part II

Don't believe everything the critics say...not all critics speak for me...hell, some like Ebert don't even speak at all! Before last night's opening, this movie was already a hit, mostly in thanks to Heath Ledger. Now, I'm not familiar with all of his work prior to this movie, but I will say this: Heath Ledger was a troubled soul and yes, perhaps a brilliant actor. The young actor's method was classic "old school". Give the guy a script and he'd study, and study, and study day and night. He'd do research nonstop and "live" the character throughout the film's completion on and off camera. If the character he portrayed was a dope addict, Heath would walk around for several months experiencing all the highs and lows of drugs for himself. Such was the case with his final role as "The Joker". Caesar Romero portrayed "The Joker" as did Jack Nicholson. Nickleson, by the way, wasn't too impressed with what he saw Ledger bring to this role. It's dark, disturbing, and chemically imbalanced and many say this is the role that Ledger took too far. Watching some of Ledger's work on film is like watching a person's desperate plea for help. That's why enough is enough. Time to put this story to rest. True, the blurry line between cinematic roles and real life are what define brilliant acting, but this was more like a suicide note left behind. Can't wait to see "The Dark Knight"? Don't have the tickets yet? There's a two week wait! You're S.O.L.! And you thought the economy was in bad shape! People are bitching about $5.00 for a tank of gas but yet, the tickets sell like hotcakes. The bottom line is that taking the family to the movies is getting as expensive as a week's vacation at Disney World in 1970. All the frenzy as folks camped out for days to get their mitts on tix... crazy ain't it? Well, the critics say this movie is now the benchmark of modern cinema and moviegoers from last night agree. As one person said upon leaving the theater at 3 A.M., "It's like The Godfather Trilogy, The Star Wars Trilogy and Indiana Jones to the tenth power!" Wow! This IS only a movie isn't it? I don't think it's worth all the hype and to be honest, is quite ridiculous to compare a big clump of films to this. Movies are missing one thing that they can't get back... that is, longevity. Like all the movies this guy mentioned, there was a time where a dilm had a long shelf life and would sit in a theater (or two or three) for six months. Not anymore. You'll see this movie on Blu-Ray and DVD just in time for Christmas if not sooner. Keep in mind when you take the kids to see this that Heath Ledger left the iconic "Batman" series a mess. Where can it go from here? Oh yeah, who's the dope that settled on a "PG-13" rating for this?

"Taking my turn at Bat"

"...The Joker's Wild", or "Where's Wink Martindale?" My thoughts on America's latest obsession with the "Caped Crusader". See the "Bat Signal" in the sky? It's a desperate last attempt to revive this dying franchise. Don't worry though, long before the movie hits theaters in the next few hours, this movie has already been granted immunity because the entire saga is counting on a villain to rake in the bucks: The late Heath Ledger, who goes in the books as "Joker #3" in movie history. That's the irony here. Actors have come and gone with their own takes on characters in Gotham City, and many of these people have also found that their life afterwards wasn't all too "Super". Adam West was the original 1960's Batman. The first motion picture happened after the tv series ended, and didn't do so good either. West was typecast and forced to do bit roles in film and television where he remains a regular "voice" on Fox's, "Family Guy" cartoon. In the early 1980's when talk started about making a different kind of Batman remake, actor Michael Keaton got the role as Batman and much of the other cast agreed to be in it to jot down as work on their resume'. That was the only time in cinema history that you will ever see Keaton and Jack Nicholson together...EVER! "Mr. Mom", "Gung Ho", and the success of "Batman" made Keaton go crazy. He turned down the second film a few years later and went on to such forgettable flicks as "Jack Frost". Too bad! For some reason or another, Val Kilmer was called upon to play the role for another film. This role was not too long after his portrayal of Jim Morrison in "The Doors". Where have you seen him after that? Bit roles and cameos in independent films where he continues today. ...And then there was George Clooney. Ahh yes, while mulling his future in the middle of a successful "E.R.", George decided it was time to up and leave the ABC drame to play Batman. The plot thickened everywhere except the silver screen where the watered down storylines gave the franchise a last gasp until a few years ago. Note how many long gone, and forgotten films of Clooney's were made between "Batman" and "Ocean's 11". Finally, there's the current Batman... what's his name? Exactly. That's the point. "Gotham City Nights" was supposed to be a big flick but turned out to become only a "critically acclaimed" movie that failed at the box office. Well, "what's his name" is back again. Ironically, the latest movie which continues from where we left off a few years back, was made to be an "artsy" film. Thanks to Heath Ledger's death earlier this year, the film has become a "Summer Blockbuster" before it even opens. There's already all kinds of rumbles about Oscars here... which makes me wonder. Is it a good movie or is it Heath Ledger that makes this a must see? That' why I'm doing today's post in two parts. Okay, I'm not actually going to camp out tonight to see the movie, but tomorrow I'll be critical to what the critic's say and why I think this should be the final film for the "Caped Crusader".

Continued Tomorrow

"Trimming the fat off of Jared's meaty contract?"

Jared's belly gets "called on the carpet" as he gets warned, "shape up, or ship out!" ...It was 10 years ago that an unknown twenty-something Jared Fogle pulled the nation's heartstrings with his weight loss success story. Here was an average guy with the exception of his 60" waist, big belly, high blood pressure, and borderline diabetes. Jared managed to lose a large amount of weight on a fast food diet consisting solely of Subway Sandwiches, and the popular restaurant franchise was quick to make Fogle their poster boy until now. For the last decade, he's been on a "Subway" ride that has made him a household name. All that Jared had to do to keep the gravy train rolling was travel across America and meet with hungry diners, pose for photos, and sign autographs. More recently however, Jared's print ads have been somewhat discouraging...it seems as though all those foot long lunches and dinners are expanding his waistline and "Subway" ad executives are starting to question the elastcity of his contract. It seems as though Jared Fogle's star may be fading. In the first photo above released two weeks ago, we see Jared ten years ago post-weight loss side by side with Jared today. You don't need to have 20/20 vision to see that Jared is gaining weight. Nobody is sure if he knows it however, his wife, and more importantly, "Subway" know it. One thing he probably doesn't know is that while touring all of their stores, "Subway" is using Jared as a talent scout to replace himself! Maybe if "Shakey's" out in California does tv ads, they can hook Jared up with a new deal for them, kind of like the old "Pets.com" sock puppet. The camera crews aren't following Jared around everywhere he eats so "Subway" can't prove his honesty or loyalty however, "Subway" hasn't been honest with us the last decade either. Do you think Jared lost all that weight from eating a big sandwich stuffed with lunsheon meats full of sodium and topped off with oil and mayo twice a day, EVERY DAY? Nope. It was only six inch veggie subs on wheat with no trimmings...In other words, picture a clump of crabgrass between two slices of wheat bread. If anything, Jared should feel lucky to be alive. He bounced back a lot faster than that guy that ate at McDonald's for 30 days. In any event, the photos of new "everyday folk" are trickling through the office and it's all up to how Jared plays his cards. Anyway, he should've known he was under the microscope after the last board meeting when shareholders asked him when the last time was that he saw his private parts!

"Taking a CRACK at law and order" and "High Pop flies one outta the park!"

Watching "Cops" on a Saturday evening may soon have a new twist. One of the first things you hear a cop yell to an offender who exits the car is to, "get those hands out of your pocket!" Whatta ya gonna do now if you're out in public walking the streets like these two photos and the cop tells you to do the same thing? Simple: The hands come out and the pants fall down. You've now just earned yourself a ticket which falls somewhere in the category

of "public indecency" which is kind of a fuzzy area of the law in the first place. Though probably a few years too late, communities all over are adding this violation to their books. You see, in past years the fashion trend of baggy pants, no belt and showing off your underwear or part of your ass crack has been linked to gangbangers. Again, maybe the "hands out of the pockets" idea is good for those walking around with guns and knives, but the average person will get discriminated against because this IS the law, and EVERYONE is expected to comply with the law... or else! Remember that the next time the repairman from Sears comes over to fix your refrigerator or the plumber crawls under your sink to fix a leaky pipe. First, check to see if this law has been passed where you live, then if the big fella wants to argue about it when you tell him to "pick up those pants!", call the cops. Don't call 911 though. This isn't a big emergency however, it's better off to let the cops handle it than to see the part of the guy's crack where he forgot to wipe!

There's an old Polish song that had the lyrics, "In heaven there is no beer... that's why we have to drink it here". That's what one Chicago area guy is doing now and for his sake, that song better be wrong or there's gonna be an eternity of thirsty Cubs fans buried in his proposed cemetary. When a person retires, he often has lots of time put to use to conjure up crazy iseas such as this one. Now, this isn't a vacant piece of property with nothing going on. This place already is occupied by the dead who, if this guy gets his way, would be moved elsewhere while the empty graves are reserved for the average Cubs fan. What's in store for the "lucky" fan who drops dead and buys a grave? You can be placed in between all the souls who never got to see the Cubbies wib a World Series. ...At least if the first place Cubs season goes downhill the rest of the year, you and your friends can assemble some of the old greats for an "All Star Game" literally, in the stars. No word yet on whether or not this gentleman will get his way to move ahead with his plans however, as the photo illustrates, an ivy covered brick wall is ready to be set in place. Whew!

"It's all in the name..."

Christie Brinkley is off the hook today, but two million dollars lighter and 18 houses richer. This sounds like a typical game of Monopoly but, such is not the case. No matter who deserves the blame, Christie has proven for the 4th time that "good times" only happen in movies and fate often takes a turn off course. It seemed all of Christies relationship problems were over when she married "Piano Man" Billy Joel however, that was marriage number two and it went up in smoke as quick as it started. Christie's third marriage was the result of a rebound from the failed relationship with Billy Joel. Her lifetime "Soul Mate" turned out to have a shelf life of less than a year. The most recent marriage ended in court today after a few weeks of bickering back and forth. In the end, Christie's husband of ten years was caught with an 18 year old babysitter. While the blame continues to get bounced around with finger pointing, the couples two kids are caught in the middle of it all and nobody cares. This guy had a lot of skeletons in his closet during the time they were married and a lot of them didn't make a difference to her, or slipped through the cracks. In court, Christie said she couldn't believe that everything had to end this way adrwe she supposedly knew someone inside and out for a decade. While dodging reporters on her way out of court today, Christie said she's through with men and will now concentrate on her kids, whom she won custody of. This guy was no good for her and the result is yet another notch in her bedpost and another name associated with the letter "X". Let me tell you guys, at the end of this month, a similar situation is going to happen however, this time it's all to real and close to home.

A dear friend telephoned me to discuss his current state of affairs Now, I'll refer to them as "Jack and Jill" for their privacy. These two were married for eight years and had their share of ups and downs like anyone might experience. Oh, this wasn't that big of a thing... this bickering happened quite a bit and always ended up swept under the rug by day's end. Going into the marriage, Jack had a full plate od problems that would gradually go away with Jill's help. I guess if you were on the outside looking in, everything seemed "normal". Time went on and in recent years, my pal's health declined a bit and with that, his self esteem dropped, his physical abilities diminished and was forced to stay home while his wife worked. Now, I remember him often telling me that her parents didn't like him, but only tolerated him because they had to. The result was mostly bad holidays and birthdays. He decided it wasn't worth the hassle to keep answering to everybody so he just stayed home. Jack didn't want to stay out of the way but couldn't take anymore from that side of the family who did a lot of backstabbing and taunting along the way. This guy had a near death experience and spent time in the hospital. Nobody came to visit and nobody took it seriously from her family. Matter of fact, they wished he'd die right there. He pulled out of it after awhile. Within a few days of being home, the family suggested the whole thing was a farce and he was lazy, a freeloader, and looking for sympathy even though Doctors said otherwise. Although she didn't say it, Jack suspected Jill of thinking the same thing. Even though employment had been moved to the backburner, Jack was constantly questioned about his "being lazy". I spoke to him a few months ago and Jack was going through the same thing all over again! While in the hospital, instead of helping Jack get better, Jill shocked the hell out of him and demanded a divorce right there.. When he asked her why, she said she couldn't take all the sickness anymore and walked away with their young daughter. Ironically, Jill works in healthcare and just gave up all hope with the guy. So quick was she to get rid of all the mess, that she began moving his stuff out before he was even discharged! Meanwhile, God only knows what kinf of things are being put into the daughter's head about her dad! In another strange twist, Jack told me that despite all of this, he still loves Jill and even this late in the game would like both he and Jill to get help. Jill isn't even willing to consider her decision twice. It's not worth it to her. Eight years and a child later he woke up and got kicked out. Now, she's a little bit funny this way you see. Something happened overnight that made her realize she never did love the guy in the first place. What really broke my friend's heart was the fact that all these memories that they had are being deleted like a pc's hard drive. Photos and other reminders of the marriage have been thrown in the garbage by her. The wedding photo was taken down and all he got was the picture frame (which was broken) kind of symbollic of the whole situation. All of this was gone with one keystroke, and now he's in worse shape than ever while she moved on almost immediately. He never abused her physically or verbally, never cheated on her...nothing! Sadly she doesn't want to talk about any of this. It's over and done and he's dead and buried to her and her family and thank all that is holy that Jack is finally gone. At the end of the month, Jack told me he won't be going to court and I don't blame him. Unless the cops come and zap him with a tazer, he's not going. She still goes around using his name though. I told him to be like Billy Joel and get a trafemark on his whole name from the Library of Congress. After all, if the wounds run so deep, she should be ashamed to walk around using his last name. I say, you should always love your family however, if you get married and still love your family more than your husband, take back the name they gave you...If it was good your whole life, it can be used again. I told him if there's any wiggle room left that it should be able to get worked out in therapy and if it's done, time to end it all with a big EXCLAIMATION POINT because the whole thing was obviously a big sham in the first pkace.

"Are we there yet???"

Time to pack the suitcase, fill the tank with gas, and head out the door...to beautiful WISCONSIN! Wisconsin is akind of a neat place to visit. Not only is it an area of the United States where time, logic, science, and everyday logic combine in a twisted mess of uncertainty. Even "The Twilight Zone" as mysterious as it was, left us with a moral or a lesson learned. This is not the case with Wisconsin. Why anyone would want to vacation there is another mystery however, let's make the first stop of our trip at historic Lambeau Field. Now, most folks head to the stadium to see an NFL game...Oh, they do that in Greenbay however, Lambeau itself is a vacation destination. Just like Epcot Center, you can stay a week and literally see the whole world within walking distance. Just like Epcot, even a weeklong visit isn't enough time to soak it all in. I booked a trip to Lambeau and covered all the bases with one phone call! I got a hotel room inside the stadium with a view of the 50 yard line, and was able to dine at a few "5 star" eateries, do plenty of shopping, and hit the clubs in the stadium at night. No car necessary, and no football game necessary either. I didn't get to see Brett Favre (who remains "retired" as of this writing) in person but, I caught him on ESPN like clockwork each night as he changed his mind over and over about staying retired or coming back "for one more season". If Favre was occupying the only bathroom where I live, I'd pound on the door and yell for him to, "Poop, or get off the pot!" His mind changes more often than the National Debt!

The Wisconsin Dells... Remember the 1970's? If you had a big family and you loved vacations, chances are you would end up here. It seemed that every station wagon in Illinois had a bright orange bumper sticker on the back that advertised "Tommy Bartlett's Water Show". This has always been a destination for folks who want to fool their family as well as themselves, that they are actually going on a "real" vacation. True. "The Dells" was always a nice place to pass through but, in 2008 it is now a shadow of it's former self. Heavy rains, flooding, and mudslides have drained Tommy Bartlett's lake which was home to the famous water-ski show, to a puddle of mud. Take a ride on "The Duck" if you can imagine a vehicle out of the 25th Century that is like a bus except for the fact that it can drive on land as well as in water! You can "ooh" and "ahh" at million dollar lakefront homes that have slid into the mud, and guess where the homeowners are sleeping now. All the tourist attractions remain open but a little "watered down". Old favorites on the boardwalk still reel customers in. These are your wax museums, "Ripley's Believe it or not" museum, and "The Guiness Book of World Records" museum where Sandy Allen, the world's tallest living woman sometimes visits to pose for pictures. It's good, sloppy fun!

The Smorgasboards! The search for good eating always ends at one of these places. They can be seen from miles away because Paul Bunyan and "Babe" the blue Ox stand guard outside the restaurant. Breakfast will find you sitting at a long picnic table with people you don't know while enjoying all-you-can-eat flapjacks and sausages served on a tin plate. You can be as messy as you want and eat as much as you want, and don't forget to wipe your face with the big red checkered napkin before you visit the gift shop full of odds and ends that you'll buy and never find any use for or need to display above the fireplace mantle. Come back for dinner and do it all over with a different item every night. Depending on the day of the week, you can choose speghetti, chicken, ribs, prime rib, or fish. Just like the movies, if you eat it all up (including the bones, fat, and grizzle) they'll waive the $19 a plate off your bill and take a Polaroid for the wall

The Indian Casinos... Native Americans have enjoyed gambling for ages. Ever since they invited the white men to share dinner with them, they've been literally "rolling the dice". Friendship with new settlers resulted in land aquisitions and property takeovers which lead to the current sad state of the people who were here first. The crying Indian started crying here! The hills and valleys where deer and buffalo once roamed between a cascade of beautiful forest have been turned into a mega-complex of sin and greed where visitors can enjoy the day and lose everything they own over a game of "Texas Hold 'Em". Now, it may be true that the majority of Native Americans suffer from gambling issues, alcoholism, and other forms of addiction that would bring a tear to anyone's eye however, these guys wipe away the tears when the Wells Fargo truck pulls up to collect the days earnings to deposit at the bank. Just like Vegas, there isn't a clock to be found in the casino, and no Robert DeNiro or Joe Pesci either. I always stick to the $5 slots of "Double Diamond" so I can make a clean break in about ten minutes. Contrary to belief, there are no Schlitz, Hamms, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or Old Style found anywhere in Wisconsin except for where the stuff is made and bottled. After the trip I get back, kick off my shoes, and see Favre on ESPN where less than five minutes ago he's decided that retirement isn't a good idea. Cheers to ya!

"Taste's awful but, still licking your plates clean!"

Michael Jackson once sang, "Feed the world...make it a better place...for you and for me, and the entire human race". Despite what you hear or read, don't let the media fool you into believing this year's "Taste of Chicago" was any better than the previious ones. In fact, it's a sign of the changing times which lie in the shadows of a poor economy. Wrap the whole foodfest up in a doggy bag and feed it to Rover... Better still, give the leftovers to the homeless. They're already in bad shape, so why punish them even more by refusing them food and making them fish your giant turkey leg bones out of the garbage can?! The "Taste" is in fact, a waste! Besides Chicago, where else can you go out in the hot sun and get lost inside a hurricane of drunks, obese peope, crying babies, and LOTS of body odor just to get a taste of a slice of pizza for $8.00 when for a few bucks more you can go to the same restaurant and get an entire pizza? Well, there are folks who call themselves "wordly" or, they expect you to believe that they keep a close eye on the calendar for the last week of June so they can get deep fried alligator sticks a hamburger made from an old racing horse, or goat's milk ice cream. Funny thing is, despite all the tom foolery, price gouging, and pick-pocketing, the "Taste" always finds a way to set some sort of record. Mayor Richard Daley has taken this festival to a whole new level of the stratosphere by allowing restauranteurs to charge an arm and a leg for a sample and then on the final evening, take whatever's left over and throw it away! Why isn't this stuff given to the people that really need it? Street people have their pride too! Don't make them dig through the garbage like a hungry racoon...give the last hour of "The Taste" to them. The "cost of living" for the average street person is hurting them as much as it is us. Cut the prices in half for goodness sake! ...And that's only for starters. Why must a person shell out an hours pay for a bottle of Aquafina? Last time I checked, there was no "Space Mountain" or Mickey Mouse in Grant Park so what's with the Disney prices? Trim the fat a little. You would think that with the recent increase in sales tax in Cook County that the average Joe would get a break on something else. Think about the dopes that camp out by the lake for a week to save a spot for the fireworks show which by the way, is free. Charge these dummies $10 a head or $150 to "sace your spot on the grass" a week in advance while lowering the price of food! Save all the gourmet crap for Gordon Ramsey! If you can only get the stuff once a year, chances are you don't need it. The homeless of Chicago only have "Streetwise" to sell us and I don't think there's any future Rupert Murdoch's sleeping in the alleys of Chicago. Next year, when your stomach can't take anymore greasy, fried, samples or finger food, don't toss what's left in the trash...think about what I said and leave it on the curb for someone else to enjoy. Most importantly, leave a can of Clorax Handi-Wipes on the curb too!

Now Hear This: "A llittle off key, but not out of gas...YET!"

Chicago area concerts are in full swing... grab your can of "Off" and a blanket and check these acts out! Before you head out the door however, give yourself a swift kick in the ass when you think about the $29.95 you spent to see these guys a few years ago. Yes ladies and gents, these groups may have passed their prime and have had (or still have) their share of problems but you too can have a front row seat for a "fin" or for free! This year brings out a boatload of reunions that you may want to hum along with.

• The Gin Blossoms: Hey, remember these guys from way back in the early 90's? They were from Arizona and had a big list of hits. Their first album went PLATINUM and had those types of catchy hooks that had pencil pushers dancing in their cubicles at the office. These guys were nominated for Grammys, one of which was for "Best New Artist" (a moniker that usually spells "sudden death" for anybody.). Second album? Huh? Where was it? the cutout bin for $1.99 at Best Buy. Don't get me wrong now, a few of these CD's make for dirt cheap pizza cutters or coasters for your drink. Several years later, this musical group called it a day and blew away with the tumbleweeds in the Arizona desert. Now, THEY'RE BACK! Sort of. Only a few days into a reunion tour last week, old demons resurfaced at a County Fair out west. The drummer, who was either high on dope or drunk OR both, made a mockery out of their performance and passed out during the set. With a shocked crowd waiting in limbo, a roadie with no drumming experience grabbed the sticks and aided the remaining group for their encore. No word yet on the group's future.
• Sugar Ray: These guys were all over the music charts as recently as a few years ago. What happened? Lead singer Mark McGrath swerved off course to play "Rock and Roll Jeoprady" on VH-1, and soon after got a job as "correspondant" on the tabloid gossip show "Extra". McGrath thought he was doing a good thing by leaving the group to chase after Anna Nicole Smith's overdoses and hospital stays. Now, in 2008, this one time "Headliner" has travelled back in time to become the opening act for groups that used to open FOR THEM! McGrath may be a smart cookie when it comes to trivia nut, his business sense got the band a bunch of gigs to perform for free or close to it. Anyway, check these guys out. The beer garden will cost you more than a ticket to their show. Coming to a fair/carnival near you soon!
• Blues Traveller: Scored big in the mid 90's with their hit "Runaround". They were sizzling hot for a while there and hit the road with big groups such as The Black Crowes. Before too long, the music was pushed to the back while marijuana took front and center. Lead Singer John Popper tipped over the scales at nearly 400 lbs and suffered a few heart attacks before a dramatic weight loss. Imagine a Blues act with a skinny John Popper...it's like imagining an anorexic Chris Farley in "Beverly Hills Ninja". It's not entertainment. None the less, these guys have decided to try again. Instead of playing the "House of Blues" for $30 a ticket, you can see them for free in Indiana.
• The Ides of March: These guys hit it big in the early 1970's with the hit, "Vehicle". You may bot know the name of the song, but you'll know it when you hear it. Irony here is that like the froup, "Chicago" they had horns and a lot of people in the group. It also helped that they were from Chicago as well. The leader was, and still is, Jim Peterik who you may or may not know, was the man behind the group "Survivor". While Survivor lives on somewhere with a bunch of replacements, Peterik cut ties with the group not long after the hit single "Eye of the Tiger". It was a dispute over copyright issues, royalties, etc. While reluctant to ponder on his Survivor days, Peterik gets in full swing with "The Ides" and is currently hitting the area with the horn section blowing full steam. Check these guys out, and enjoy with the parents if you please..