"...And a bottle of Rum"

"Weirdo" Johnny Depp has managed to do it again! This time, he's managed to put the word, "pirates" into our everyday conversation as we hear about all the shenanigans going on in the Indian Ocean with cargo ships. Somebody has to take the blame for this mess and it may as well be him. I'd like to blame Dustin Hoffman for his role in "Hook" however, nobody saw that movie, and considering he made the flop "Ishtar" soon after, his career has suffered enough! The last time I heard the term "Pirates" was back in the days when people had cable tv and VHS tapes... If you happened to tap into your next door neighbor's cable line without paying, or borrowed a tape from a friend and copied it, you were considered a "pirate". It seems that in 2009, "piracy" has gone back to it's original meaning just one step short of the wooden leg and parrot. Weren't we the ones to originally help the Somali's in the 1980's when hunger in that part of the world was at it's worst? Then again, we stuck out our noses to rescue Afghanistan too and look at the thanks we get! Hey, charity should begin at home!

"Slips of the Lips"

If there's at least one lesson to be learned while living in the limelight, it's knowwing when to keep certain things tight-lipped to avoid having to explain yourself later. Three good examples of such a thing presented themselves in three consecutive days this week. Hopefully someone will learn something from the following blunders of the tongue...

• Britney sees "Marlboro Red" in smoke filled Canada - Concertgoers up in Ontario who shelled out lots of Canadian quarters to see Britney Spears perform were stunned when Spears choked and wheezed her way through only a handful of songs before storming off the stage. Spears was fuming over the fact that everyone in the arena was lighting up cancer sticks. While trying to calm her down backstage, an announcement was made for everyone to put out their smokes. Following her orders, Britney returned to lip-sync a few more hits and finally had enough and ended the show. Before she left the stage for the final time, she flipped off the audience and yelled out "Peace. I'm outta here you smoking f*****' Canadians!" Britney has no reason to be upset or for that matter, worried about second hand smoke. Afterall, Spears herself, is a heavy smoker! I guess the purity of Canada's air is more important to her than the bottom half of North America's?!
• Canada Part II - Billy Bob Thornton was in Toronto to promote his hee-haw country side-project known as, "The Boxmasters". Things with a CBC Radio interview were already off to a bad start when the host of the show did a pre-interview with Thornton and asked him about his new band. Thornton had to remind him that his "new" band already has done five CD's over the last five years. It was at this point that Thornton really threw a monkey wrench by telling the guy that when they go "on the air", he would not be answering any questions about his movies or acting career. Considering the radio host already failed to read up on Billy Bob's musical bio, he was pretty much left with nothing to talk about EXCEPT for "Sling Blade" and "Armageddon". An irate Billy Bob immediately scolded to poor S.O.B. and took liberty to insult all of Canada by likening Canadians to "mashed potatos without gravy" before storming out of the Toronto studio after a few minutes. As a final "F U" to our neighbors to the North, Billy Bob pulled the plug on the Canadian portion of "The Boxmasters" tour with no apologies. It's not the guy in Toronto's fault for not knowing too much history behind Thornton's band...I wasn't even aware that "The Boxmasters" had five CD releases. I recently spotted a few for a dollar in Best Buy's cutout bin. They make good, cheap, easy pizza cutters and coasters.
• "I'd like to order one large Obama with sausage and onions" - Here's something to sink your teeth into...President Obama needs to download Google Earth and brush up on his geography. A good "Chicago style" pizza is usually best when it's from Chicago and not the "Pi Pizzeria" in St. Louis. For a White House pizza party this week, Obama placed a big order with the St. Louis pizza place and claims that's the place to get the best Chicago pie. It almost started another Civil War when Chicago restaurants found out! Who could blame them? The "Pi Pizzeria" is actually a restaurant chain based out of San Francisco which is as far away from Chicago anything that you can get! That almost makes me want to believe the television commercials for "The Olive Garden" when they suggest that all their chef's are culinary experts that went to school in Tuscany, Italy and that's why their menu is gosh darned "authentic". Hmmm...
  

"A sober Steve-O? Now, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!"

"April showers bring May flowers...and yet, another season of "ABC's Dancing With the Stars". I've taken a month hiatus to reflect on the sad state of television...it's still crappy. I've concluded that no matter how hard the powers that be in Burbank, California, we're stuck in a rut. "Life on Mars" gets the axe and meanwhile, "DWTS" still remains as popular and boring to me as ever.



This season had an "F List" of Hollywood's rock bottom. The only cast member to make somewhat of an impression is the MTV Jackass, "Steve-O". If he's indeed serious abou

t his newfound sobriety, he wouldn't dare appear on this rigged dance show. Then again, who knows what's going on with him? The fact of the matter is, Steve-O needs to go back on the drugs and alcohol quick. He's not funny without toxins in his bloodstream and has thus far, proven that he's a wimp.


On MTV when he was high as a kite, Steve-O did all kinds of outrageous stuff. He put a sewing needle in his pee-hole, hit his balls with a hammer and ate a plate of dog crap. No big deal for him. This guy getting injured over and over again by ballroom dancing is pretty far-fetched. If this is the flip side of Steve-O, he needs some meth and perhaps a swift kick in th

e ass to make him realize that going on "DWTS" was a pretty goofy damn idea in the first place!

"Dave's New Product Test Lab" is now open...

When it comes to new products, it's often said that kids make the best critics. 2009 begins with quite a few new toys and food products. What I decided to do was quite simply, sit my 3 year old, Arianna down and use her as the measuring stick to determine what things will be a success or a flop. While this is by no means a representation of all pre-schoolers, the one conclusion I can make is that when it comes to your child being fussy at the dinner table, "Chef Boy R Dee's" attempt to sneak vegetables into a can of "Spaghettio's" didn't fool my daughter...she turned it down!

• "25 years later, we're still left puzzled and it ain't over yet!" - Remember that Ruskie named, "Rubik"? He invented that silly cube with all the colors that took the world by storm in the 1980's. If you had the "smartz" and thought math was "fun", between popping pimples and combing your mullet you may have lined up all the colored squares on every side. As soon as the Chinese kids were able to solve it within 10 seconds, Rubik gave us the more difficult "Revenge" as well as the "Pyramid". In a press release from earlier this week, "Rubik" came up with a new puzzle set to debut in August. The description of "Rubik's Sphere" suggests this is one puzzle that may never be solved. I had these games in a junk drawer. They were virtually untouched for years until Arianna found them. While these things keep her busy for ten minutes or so, she's wise to the fact that when all else fails, take the damn thing apart and put it back together with all the colors in the right place. Nobody will know and your kid is all groomed and eager to accept the bragging rights. Arianna gives this toy two stars... Never mind the puzzle and problem solving. It is a ball, minus the bounce of "a "Wham-O".





• "Gensing and Juice" - While there's no excitement in grocery shopping when you're alone, sometimes you have to let the child tag along. The S.O.B.'s stocking the shelves may do their part to strategically place anything with sugar within a "kid's eye view", one aisle that always gets Arianna's attention is the one with the juices and soda. I'll sometimes toss a few cans of Mountain Dew's energy drink "Amp" in the cart. The last thing I would expect to see is a similar product geared towards kids however, this is the latest thing. I'd be willing to bet that there is a room full of people associated with "New Product Development" at Kraft foods who thought this would be a good idea. Chances are, these folks have no children and this is their idea of a practical joke. The last thing Arianna needs is flavored sugar water in a drink box disguised as a "vitamin". Despite all the fancy labeling and colors, I used every trick in the book to drag her to the dairy aisle for milk.


• "Se Habla Espan No No" - "Homeland Security" in the post 9/11 days is said to be improved however, here's proof that someone fell asleep at the switch: Her name is, "Dora" and despite the fact that millions of parents are putting American dollars into her college fund, she still refuses to make herself a U.S. Citizen. Dora and her friends and family have taught our kids how to locate Buenes Ares on a map for years... now she teaches our kids how to count to 10 in Spanish before they can count in English. If I'm to attempt a conversation with my daughter I have to pull out my Spanish translator and that's a shame! Aside from that, throughout her lifetime Dora hasn't aged a year... Kind of like "The Simpsons". Remember when baby Maggie uttered a word 20 years ago? She hasn't made another peep since then. The folks behind Dora's creation have recently decided to add a few years onto her age and perhaps nobody will notice that she is now a "tween". As if being an "illegal alien" wasn't enough, she will now have to deal with everyday common "tween" problems like puberty, pregnancy, and pimples. The last thing I'm about to do is explain who "Tammy the Tampon" is to my child! That's why the new Dora is off limits to my daughter. Besides that, I think Dora's Visa has expired!