"His fingers do the walking,,,right into your soul!"

Al

Phantom Phonebook

Gather around whippersnappers, I'm about to tell you a very scary Halloween tale. A tale like no others that took place not so long ago in a place very close. This is NOT for the faint of heart. Not even quite. It all started on a rather tranquil morning as I walked outside in the morning mist to retrieve the yellow bag on the sidewalk. I should have known better and leave it to the wind to blow away or the school children to pick it up on the way to the bus stop. My friends, this would set the story in motion. A story that never had an appropriate ending...it may be over however, if not, God help me and all the other souls that have been tormented by "The Phantom Phonebook".

It was the middle of October that I first encountered Satan himself. As the neighbors decorate their homes in scary motif (and some people actually start hanging up Christmas lights!) I realize the yellow bag out front is a gift from a large publishing company that once went under the alias of "R.R. Donelly". I reached down once I realized that this occurs every year around this time, picked it up, and stepped back inside to examine "The Yellow Pages" ...A mystery in itself! Who in their right mind still uses a primiative tool like this to actually sit down and thumb through, all in an effort to find the number of Domino's Pizza? Not me. I need some kind of connection to a human when looking for answers and besides, by the time I look up the number, the pizza would have been baking in the oven, almost done. All a phone book does is add extra minutes to an already busy schedule. No, me, I prefer the 411 approach to fact finding which is why I have no use for a book like this. If bad comes to worse, I may use the Internet to find a phone number, but even that is rare. I placed the book in the basement, my mind already made up that I would never utilize it. That was that... er, so I thought. The next day I open the curtains to see a yellow bag on the sidewalk again. Perplexed, I again step outside to discover the telephone book was able to not only vanish from my basement, but was able to astrally project itself back outside. Something was wrong somewhere. Perhaps yesterday's phone book was a figment of my imagination. I went back inside and made my way downstairs trying to convince myself that I wouldn't find anything unusual. The stairs creaked as I went down one step at a time to ease my mind. There on the table, exactly how I left it yesterday, was the telephone book! It was an eerir feeling to realize that I had now been ealt a difficult hand to play. One of these books will have to go! "I'll put it outside tomorrow in the recycle bin" I said to myself and made my way back upstairs where I tried to forget about the events that left me with two Yellow Pages books from the exact same publisher. This morning, I awoke to a smack hitting the sidewalk. "God help me!" I thought. "Here we go again!". The anxiety was beginning to build. For I had known that once I pull apart the curtains, the noise I heard will be physically there AGAIN, in a YELLOW BAG. It was up to me to decide quickly if I wanted to be put in the position of finding the book out there again. I ripped open the curtains as quick as I could AND, NOTHING! The sidewalk was empty all except for the morning paper. I was scared, shaken, and stirred when I began to realize that this chain of events had finally ended. I shuddered with disbelief and terror when picturing papermills in Utah and Washington State working overtime to cut down trees and produce these books off the press faster than a speeding bullet. It made me sick for a minute and then I ate breakfast. Dammit, my Lucky Charms are more important than a forest full of trees! All remained calm for a good portion of the day. I was able to regain my composure and move ahead. For this event had seemingly ended as abruptly as it began. The wind then began to pick up, and the trees which were painted with brilliant shades of red, orange and yellow began yo rain down leaves erratically. The window panes rattled and the sky grew more dismal. All the excitement made me run to the window. When there, as sure as I'm standing, it was the return of "Yellow Book"! That was it! It was now up to me to save the neighborhood from what seemed as an inevitable invasion not seen or heard at any caliber since Orson Welles' famous, War of the Worlds ! I grabbed the cell phone and my friends, opened the Yellow Book for the first time to find the number of the person responsible for initiating this assault of soy based ink and paper. The adrenaline level in my bloodstream was racing as I waited for someone to pick up my call. Finally, a lady answered and I began to spin this very same tale wondering why I've been cursed by a phonebook that doesn't want to go away. Like a recipe for a witches brew, she began to rattle off specific instructions that I jotted down on a scratch pad. "You must take these books and tear them to pieces!" She instructed. "You then must place them in the proper place where refuse is normally picked up" she continued. "Huh?" I asked. ..."She simply repied, "the garbage. You see Sir" she explained, "someone on that route made a mistake and gave you three books by mistake. Now, go and do the right thing before it's too late!" At that very moment, I began to rip and tear like a madman when I heard a repetative beeping sound. It was the garbage truck from Waste Management here to pick up the garbage! I made sure all the contents were in the can as I handed it over to the six guys working on the back of the truck. The big metal blade came down as I saw loose pages try to get away. It indeed was too late. The horror jad finally ended. Legend has it that the ghosts of Yellow Books from the past often times won't decompose in the landfill. That means, it may happen all over again next year. I suggest we all start to prepare, OR ELSE!

"Water Torture"

A Glass of Water - FOX News ran a story this morning about drinking water. It seems as though Walmart hasn't been telling everyone about what a person may be consuming when reaching for a bottle of Sam's Choice drinking water. Someone ran one of those routine tests a while ago where several brands of water are taken to a lab and examined to see what they may contain that you'd never find on the label. We've all heard this story earlier in the years when they told us what we all knew already... that all brands of water come from the same place. That's not news, it's common sense however, the testing went on to reveal a long list of toxins that let's face it, are in all tap water anyway. In this case, the numbers were off the charts in comparison to what comes out of the faucet and Walmart tops the list of offenders that turn around and sell the poison in their stores. Arsenic, cyanide, fertilizer, prescription drugs, and things of that nature are in all water regardless of what you do but, at the end of this test, it was brought up that perhaps the consumer should be aware of this before plunking down five or six bucks for a case! A few times a year, your local water company publishes a report that gives you all the details on this subject except nobody ever bothers to read the stuff. So, why what's the difference if the stores give you that information or not? The one main reason is because maybe they are scared to be honest. Now, if you can't believe a big giant like Walmart might not tell you all the facts, that same water, when poured into a glass is supposed to give us all an idea of what the future holds. Tonight will be the last official debate before election time and each of the two candidates will have a glass of water beside them to clear their throats. FOX explained that in addition to those who check the facts on what is said almost immediately, the Internet and various other polls that take place when our two favorites discuss their differences, keep your eyes on the glasses of water. An experiment is being done where two identical drinking glasses os the same size and weight, will go on a scale and the exact same amount of water will be added to the two glasses, and locked away until this evening. This test will begin at the first sip. When they finish, someone will whisk the glasses away safely and weigh them again to record the weight. WHY?? This is supposed to tell us and the group of college kids running this test, who the most honest person is to be our next President. The idea is that the more someone reaches for a sip when asked a question, how much and how often they take it will say something about their character, honesty and integrity. This was done in a similar fashion between Nixon and Kennedy in the famous 1960's Chicago Democratic Convention. Known as the "Five o' Clock Shadow Speech", it is said that history was decided as a result of makeup and hot lights in the studio. Richard Nixon walked away with the best responses, most support, and most brains however, his makeup was running under the hot lights and revealed an unshaven face. Drom beginning to end, it had appeared Nixon had aged twenty years and he left looking tired and beaten. On the other hand, Kennedy had a deep, dark tan and refused the makeup. Although his responses fell far behind Nixon, people watching on television fell for Kennedy's charm and good looks which is said to be why Kennedy went on to beat Nixon and win the Presidency. ...And then we get to the water thing. Some University is trying to prove that the guy with the most water left in the glass is who the undecided voter should pick? Someone had better be sure to put a lock on all the vending machines there that are filled with salty snacks. Messing with history isn't a good idea. Look at the mess Michael J. Fox got himself into with that crazy DeLorean!

"Quiet Please...These people are talking!"

People have been talking quite a bit this week and it's only Tuesday. Maureen McCormick, Cloris Leachman, and John McCain are either selling a book, selling a television show, or perhaps even selling one's soul as promotional rocket fuel to make money or win the crowd over. Within the past day, a number of items have caught my attention leaving me to wonder, is this stuff for real?? I start with C-Span last night.

• C-Span is that cable network that people tune to when they're searching for the best way to go to sleep at night. This channel is to politics what ESPN is to sports. The difference is, on one of ESPN's channels you can watch a Lakers game from 1991 while over at C-Span, you can watch an old debate between Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter. Last night they chose to air a clip from earlier in the day where "Maverick" John McCain was leading one of his own pep rallys. Maybe you caught this on the news. If you didn't, a woman in the audience stood up to ask a question that McCain quickly interrupted. This was about Obama. The lady asked the Senator how it's possible that Obama (an "A0-A-RAB") is able to run for President after what happened with 9/11. McCain took the mic from her and set her straight. He pointed out that Obama is not an "A-RAB" but an American from a mixed family. You either wanted to stand up and cheer for McCain, or question who came up with the idea to plant someone in the audience to say such a thing. "No one stoops that low" he told the lady. If there are undecided voters like this who don't know anything about either guy in the running by now, please stay home on Election Day!
• "There's still one left to go" when it comes to former cast members of The Brady Bunch telling all the secrets about the show that we never expected to hear. This year, it's the ex Marcia Brady who is now making her rounds on talk shows to "spill the beans" about all the behind the scenes shenanigans that happened. The only cast member who didn't speak out yet is Ann B. Davis aka "Alice". She has written a few books however, none of them ever bring up her role on the television show. Now seriously, is anyone surprised by hearing all the stories of yet another former child star, a product of the late 1960's early 70's having some problem with pot, cocaine, heroin, or LSD? I guess the shocker is that of all people, Maureen is the last one you'd expect to be strung out...if it really happened. After hearing all the things that supposedly happened on the this show as well as others, it's amazing that there was anyone sober enough to let these shows go on to be as successful as they were. You'd automatically assume the whole Brady group spent those few years asleep in their dressing room "too sick" to film anything. I can imagine Executive Producer, Sherwood Schwartz going into everyone's room and poking them with the end of a broomstick to wake up. When a book comes out from Ann B. Davis about her alcoholism and sex addiction, I'll buy that book! This stuff is just a lot of hot air.
• A lot of folks take Dancing With The Stars too seriously. They even have the odds posted in Vegas about who will win and who won't. There are countless blogs, news items, television tabloid shows all working hard to cover this, in my opinion, "snoozefest". TV Guide is one of those publications that like to give the hit ABC show a lot of attention. This season, it's all about Cloris Leachman. This old lady who won Emmy's for her work on The Mary Tyler Moore show and for the younger folks, The Facts of Life (as Mrs. Garrett's sister before it "jumped the shark") has got quite the reputation for having a filthy mouth. According to "Insiders", meaning, "people who will never be identified", someone always walks out of there saying, "I can't believe she did that or said that!" You want to know something? You won't see her get the boot until there's her and one other person left. The show is enjoying it's highest rating ever because she's so unpredictable. If they cut her loose now, who will watch? They can talk to the press all they want and say she's chemically imbalanced however, she's not going anywhere yet. If you're one of those who have the show on your speed dial to vote every week, you're wasting a phone call. Get real! The filthier her mouth gets, the easier the execs at ABC can get to sleep. Just like politics in this case, your vote will not be counted!

"AMERICA: Thanks for nothing, Chris!"

When the rooster crowed this morning at the crack of dawn, I rolled over and went back to sleep. For starters, I despise Mondays and usually get them started when half the day ia already over! Just before lunchtime rolled around, I stepped outside to get today's paper and bring in the mail when all of a sudden my neighbor greeted me and wished me a "Happy Holiday" and informed me that there is no mail delivery today. I just said, "Thanks" and came back inside a little confused by what she said when all of a sudden I realized, that it is indeed Columbas Day. When you grow up and finish school, these dates that were once something to look forward to are suddenly meaningless. All this meant to me today was that now that there's no mail, I now had an extra hour of free time that is usually marked for paying bills. When you're a kid, the very second that school starts in September, these holidays are quickly memorized. As you get older and make it through high school and college, we get slowly "weened off" relying on these little dates the same way rehab works to get someone off of Vicodin although no one ever argues over a three day weekend. So today, we honor the great explorer Christopher Columbus. He proved the world is round and discovered America along the way. Question is, do we really want to give this guy a 24 hour honor in October? Perhaps, maybe not!

"History" often becomes tainted over time. No one at this point is willing to argue if Columbus came to America as he intended, or if it was by mistake. Your teacher back in second grade told you the order in which these "alleged" events happened and made it sound like a great idea for a future television pilot on ABC called, "Lost". Suppose things really did play out that way. I guess when Columbus and his three ships stopped in Long Osland there was nothing but open prarie and trees. A place so peaceful that you could hear a cricket chirp 100 miles in any direction. I don't think it went down that way. There absolutely were people here already. He may have "found" America however, did the folks living here even realize they were "lost" in the first place? If anything, he was the one who was lost! The Indians were doing just fine here by themselves and didn't want any attention. If you want to honor Christopher Columbus for finding us, thank him for taking Paradise and turning it into what it is today. If the earth really was flat, maybe he'd be so lost that sooner or later he'd steer the boat off the planet and we wouldn't be in the dilly of a pickle that America is in today. Well, maybe the Indians weren't too smart either. There were more of them stronger in number than the Columbus group. They should have helped him and his crew get off the boat safely, hit them over the head, marinade them in whiskey, and roast them with apples in their mouths over an open fire. Because they opened their arms wide to welcome the man, Columbus and his crew were able to return back home all wearing shirts that read "I went to America, and all I got was the whole country!" ..and before you knew it, the Indians got the shaft, lost their land, and this opened up the doors to what it is today. This is why Columbus was a probably just a generalization for all explorers of that time who would have come here sooner or later, and did just that. Don't believe everything you read or you might walk away thinking not only was Columbus the only guy on the planet that had a boat, he enjoyed it so much that he bought two more exactly like it! Thanks for nothing, Chris!