"Pork Chop of the Month"

The Pork Chop of the Month

(Tie)

Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell

You know the situation…You have the tv turned on as you fall asleep when all of a sudden an infomercial appears with one of those familiar faces telling you about something you don’t own but can’t live without. You buy it, and then you realize you never needed it in the first place! In other words, you’ve just been had! That’s why two people get the nod for winning “The Pork Chop of the Month”: Billy Mays and Cathy Mitchell. These two often show up in your bedroom uninvited and on different channels. Sometimes they appear on multiple channels at the same time making television viewing a pain in the ass!

Take Billy Mays for example. This S.O.B. wiggled his way into hearts and wallets at the same time. He’s been a lifelong pitchman for all those “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?” products. He started out selling a “waterless” washing machine in the early 1980’s and used the experience to catapult himself to an entry in Wikipedia. Who would have thought that you could turn ordinary oxygen that we breath into a powdery substance to add to the wash? That’s “Oxi Clean” and admit it… we’ve all tried it. The fact is, all they’ve done is added air (which by the way is readily available and free) a powder that serves no purpose, and shoved it into a margarine tub with a seal and a fancy label. So great was the hype behind this new “breakthrough product” that appliance giant Maytag added a special dispenser into new washing machines exclusively for the product. Billy has also given us plenty of gadgets that we know we needed, bought, and threw into the junk drawer. “anywhere shelves”, “add a lightswitch”, “magic putty”, “ding away” and a health insurance plan that covers anyone with no questions asked and dirt cheap as well! So, where’s my “Oxi Clean”? In one of several of my “As seen on TV” drawers!

Next up is Cathy Mitchell. Who is she? She’s like your best friend’s Mom. Friendly, always concerned< eager to show you shortcuts with everyday hassles of cooking and cleaning, and she’s jolly on top of that!
Maybe a little too jolly. Don’t forget to toss in “annoying” to the mix.
Now, I don’t know about you however, I’ve had plenty of sleepness nights wondering about what to do with those extra cans of Pillsbury Crescent Dough I have in the fridge. Luckily, Cathy Mitchell was there to show me her electric gadget that uses the dough to make “pocket snacks”. Did you know that all you need is a couple of eggs ans some of yesterday’s leftover ham along with a pinch of cheddar cheese to make your own breakfast sandwich for the car on the way to work? While you’re at it, you can make meals for the entire day. I discovered I can do exactly with it, what I can do without it: Nothing. It makes for a good paperweight to place in front of the door on a windy day. Cathy always makes sure to mention her kids in her ads. I’ve gotta tell you, I feel for them. She suggests that many of these gadgets work well and allow your kids to make new friends at college. Yeah right. Who cares about cooking when there’s always a pizza joint nearby? If Cathy Mitchell endorses a new lamp to grow weed or a portable distillery to make your own hooch, that’s the kind of stuff that attracts new friends to the dorm room! Show me a college freshman with a sandwich maker and I’ll show you a kid that has no friends and a lot of leftover sandwiches. Oh, it gets better. Just recently Cathy unveiled a new twist on an old idea by selling a machine that makes donut holes with bisquick. It’s the same as the other except you can make bite sized snacks anytime of the day or night that taste exactly as advertised: hot pancakes. I like mine stuffed with ground beef and blueberry jam as a “brunch” item.

Both Billy and Cathy recently introduced us to a new invention and each one has it’s own trademark but basically do the same thing: Make clones of White Castle hamburgers. This is exactly what we all need… a George Foreman grill (“Hulk Hogan” in the U.K.) hamburger press that spits out little square hamburgers! The ads suggest that these new snacks are the latest rage in one of those franchise restaurants. Stupid idea? Maybe. Did you or I put these things on the market? Nope. Enough said.

"Dingbat squared, Poor House and 'Hey Bud, What's your problem'? "

Question: "No matter how many times I try to do it, I can't kill myself. What am I doing wrong?"

Answer: Read a past interview with "illusionist" David Blaine. He's got the same problem.

Ahh yesssss! Just when you thought David Blaine had done it all and was through cheating death, he comes up with another neat trick just to prove he still doesn't have any common sense. He's been shot at, frozen in ice, placed in a pool of angry sharks while holding his breath for three days, you name it. When we get to see all these illusions and how they always end, I'm at the point where I don't know if I should cheer for the guy or feel sorry for him. Are all these attempts simply "magic", or are they part of a long streak of "bad luck" for him personally? If anyone should know that there's more than one way to skin a cat, it ought to be Blaine. He proved all his skeptics wrong by his hanging upside down like a bat for a few days and then...surviving! Even the announcer on his Live ABC television special suggested Blaine is "Superhuman" and quite possibly "not of this earth". The announcer may be quite right afterall, any normal human being would have realized the movie "The Dark Knight" getting released on DVD at the end of October would have been the ultimate "tie-in" to his stunt. Maybe trying out Houdini's fatal "stomach punch" is somewhere in his future AFTER he can explain why he was unable to cut short President Bush's speech on the economy that delayed his show by nearly 20 minutes. Now, that would be magic!

Speaking of the economy, John McCain being the maverick that he is, is going to make things better for all of us... by putting his campaign on the back burner for a while. What's he gonna do to fix it? I dunno. It's like letting your 98 year old grandfather balance your checkbook. Chances are, things will get more screwed up than when you started. While McCain takes a brief time out to join Letterman and Leno on the couch, Obama intends to keep things moving forward. As a matter of fact, McCain may no longer be invited as Letterman's guest because Dave isn't buying into McCain's "genuine concern" for the economy and is writing it off as a cheap publicity stunt. On the other hand, Obama isn't willing to sit down with Bush or McCain to discuss things because he feels that considering he's not quite the President yet, why get bogged down with nonsense like this? As things get worse all around the world and even leaving Mr. Moneybags with empty pockets, who is the right guy for this job? Neither. That's why I suggest we all "write-in" David Blaine. Afterall, it's worth a shot and what else is there to lose?

Budweiser has gone from being "The King of Beers" to, "The King of Jeers" for their new product which is said to be targeting underage drinkers. The new brew is called "Spark" and Miller was right behind with their own version as an entry into alcohol/energy drinks. Just from the product description, you immediately see something terribly wrong. It's an enrgey dring which contains alcohol. So, which is it? Gatorade is an energy drink and Bud Light is alcohol. One makes you move quicker while the other slows you down. If you mix half of each one in a tall glass, wouldn't the end result be, besides nasty tasting, a beverage with no purpose? I may not be smarter than a 5th grader when it comes to mathmatics however, I do know that "energy" and "alcohol" cancel each other out when put together. That combination makes this beverage pointless AND yucky. Beer makers are calling this latest entry into the beverage market a trend. I agree. It's a trend in stupidity. This is one situation where I totally agree with the young kids out there arguing to lower the legal drinking age. Lower the darn thing to 18 otherwise there's gonna be lot's of these aluminum cans piling up in landfills and doing more damage to an already battered and bruised environment!

"Eddie writes a song,, The Woo Tang Klan, and a Nip in the Bud"

Today's post celebrates the 2008 National League Central Division Champion, Chicago Cubs. Surprising as it is, I couldn't be more proud of the boys from "The friendly confines". Not so much because they made it to this spot two years in a row, but because for the sake of Lou Pianella's heart as well as his sanity, they made it back again. "Uncle Lou" is like a jack-in-the-box on the last click. He just wants to get his team a World Series ring so he can wander off into the sunset to play shuffleboard in Palm Beach. Yeah right. Should the Cubs make it as far and perhaps win it all, Lou is going to stay a fixture at Wrigley field forever, like the old scoreboard. However, don't count your chickens before they hatch! There's still time for these beloved Cuns to realize the whole world is watching before they cave under pressure. What's happened in recent weeks has proven that this baseball team isn't just playing a game, but boosting the spirits of everyone expecting them to "finally do it" this time!

One of the things that always accompanies a title win of some kind in Chicago, is someone writing a song about the team in the spotlight. Over the years there have been many and most have been of the novelty variety either praising or mocking Chicago sports teams. This time around, it was none other than Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam who phoned in the Cubs front office all the way from Seattle to offer his contribution. Here's the thing... Now if you know Eddie's background, he, like many other famous folks like to admit they're from Chicago only when the city is in the news for something good. Remember about 1990 when America was introduced to the Seattle music genre of "grunge"? Eddie was careful to choose his words when speaking of his roots. Sure he was born here, and then he left. We wouldn't learn of his Chicago ties until years later when Pearl Jam lost their fan base and went Artsy with their music. Is Eddie proud to call Chicago home, or is this just an attempt to get back on the map and sell a 99 cent music download? I didn't hear anything about Eddie's new song until last week and then a day later, I heard the song played on the radio. I was told the song was a free download. Not so. It was only available on Pearl Jam's website. Once you were logged on, you have to become a member of their club (free) however, you need a screen name, password, etc... Fine. You then get redirected to another site where I was told this download would cost me a buck. Is it worthy? You be the judge. I have it but didn't pay a dime to anyone for it and that's the best way to get it. A story is attached to the download link which spins a story about how Ernie Banks helped Eddie write the song. Who's crappin' who? For one thing, Ernie isn't a songwriter and secondly, Eddie doesn't spend his free time watching superstation WGN and Cubs baseball. You want it? "All the Way" is at Pearljam.com

Another thing I have questions about is the relationship of the Cubs as it pertains to Ronnie "Woo Woo", Wrigley's number one cheerleader. As far as I know, Ronnie is a big financial mess and a vegabond who has no permanent place to call home. I've read in the past how the Cubs orginization has tried unsuccessfully to bar him from the front gate. I've also read that he's a big distraction to fans and players who have no choice to put up with his antics. Someone gave Ronnie access to his own website where he uses it to panhandle and beg for money. Most recently, Ronnie was in search of someone to donate a new set of choppers for his mouthful of missing teeth. While all this is going on, Ronnie is out doing "meet and greets" with fans, wearing an officially licensed MLB uniform, and signing photos and baseballs. All stuff direnctly linked to promoting the Cubs. He is to the Cubs what Ronald is to McDonald's. A goofy, silly, mascot. This past weekend a full page ad for Menard's Grand Opening was in the paper and promised a chance for everyone who attended to meet the famous guy. He was there not as Ronnie "Woo Woo" the home improvement guy, but as Ronnie the Cub. Despite all this, the Cubs front office is still willing to say that he's not am employee. I wonder if Ronnie is aware of that or not?!

Finally, the one thing that got the most hits on the Internet last week in relation to the Cubs wasn't their winning streak, or even any of the guys on the team. It was a billboard perched on a rooftop across from left field. Budweiser had been renting this roof for years now and some might say they were holding all the cards in the game. Well, a new proper

ty owner decided to give the big corporation a dose of it's own medicine and cry "foul" when the suits in St. Louis were late in sending in their payment. So, at the stroke of midnight one day last week when the check hadn't arrived yet, the owner took it upon himself to go to the roof and cover the sign himself until the money problem was resol

ved. Budweiser called the next day as soon as they learned about this and both gro

ups went to court to see who was in the right. While all this was going on, I was loving it! Finally, someone had the grapefruits to stand up to a big corporation over a matter of principle. Well, I was shocked when the judge ruled on behalf of Budweiser the following day citing the long business relationship the beer maker and the previous owner had as a reason to give them a grace period and remove the tarp. Later, I found out that this wasn't a property owner at all that was fighting over this instead, it was a large investment group made up of about 30 people in the real estate market. That only goes to show that Wrigley is just a pile of bricks and ivy and is about as friendly and neighborly as Yankee Stadium. We all know where that's headed.