August 11, 2008

"Freeman, Feldman, and Favre: Revisited"













The Electric Company's rolling blackouts hit Hollywood hard! Morgan Freeman, the bookworm turned actor was finally released from the hospital following a nasty traffic accident. It wouldn't have been such a big deal had it not been for the fact that the young woman sitting next to him turned out NOT to be his wife. Two days later, Freeman's wife filed for divorce. The car accident was blamed on a temporary blackout, quite possibly the same one he experienced while signing on to The Bucket List
and that silly documentary with the penguins! Of course, Freeman got his start on the PBS show "The Electric Company" as "EZ Reader" in the early 1970's way before he bacame President in Deep Impact and helped Tim Robbins escape from prison in The Shawshank Redemption. Despite Freeman's recent bad luck, Hollywood and the rest of us still love him. There will always be a role for him as "God" in the next Bruce Almighty installment, whatever the film title is.
The Two Coreys and one Big Boring Story as seen on A&E. It's still hard to believe that the one time PBS clone with commercials aired the Russian Ballet and the history of the woodwind instrument in ten parts. That was twenty years ago. Today, it's all about The Sopranos and The Two Coreys. When I first heard about a reality show on A&E digging into the dark lives of former childhood stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, I thought it had to be some sick joke, until I saw it for myself. As you may or may not recall, Feldman was the one who was always getting into trouble years ago. Before he turned 18, he had already been doing dope and dating pornstars. Now, I guess I'm to believe that he's reformed and is the Corey with the common sense, while Haim is the one that needs all the help with his little drug problem. In last week's episode I got to see Feldman invite Haim to his house for a surprise intervention... those are always nice. They are in the midst of filming a Lost Boys sequel and Haim showed up on the set high on dope and unable to remember his lines. His excuse was that he took a pain pill for a sore back. Regardless of what the truth really was, Feldman and the others booted him off the set. They suspect an addiction to painkillers and crystal meth. An irate Haim stormed out of Feldman's home and claimed his friend set him up with the intervention as a cruel trick. Maybe it was. Afterall, one would have to be at their last rope to take life lessons from Corey Feldman in the first place. As the episode ended and Haim yelled at us viewers to leave him alone so he can die, all hope was lost that there would ever be a "part 2" to A License To Drive.
Madden's tour bus hits a speed bump but keeps on rollin'! To fans of the popular video game franchise known as "Madden (insert year here)", Tuesday may as well be Christmas. Not only is the release date of "Madden '09", but it's also been 20 years since the first release of the cgame and to honor this tradition, there is a special "Anniversary" edition of Madden Football also hitting shelves and sold seperately for just under $100! Now despite all the hoopla, who was the jackass that thought it to be a good idea to put Brett Favre on the cover of "Madden '09"? I think Madden and that no good Favre are in cahoots to lure collectors to the toy aisle to possibly find a gold nugget. Madden is a Brett Favre fan who salivates like Pavlov's dog whenever he sees him play. When Favre announced his retirement for the 18th time, Madden cried like a kid who just found out there is no Santa Claus. While most football fans were pointing and laughing at Favre's almost daily press conferences mulling his future, Madden was out there encouraging Favre to do the right thing, suit up, and play another year. At this point The Packers had enough of Favre and his hooligans and agreed to take him back but, not as a starter. From there, an angry Favre picked up his ball and headed to Tampa Bay for a day, and then to New York where good old #4 will now be a Jet. Here's the thing: While all this was going on, so were the plans to release Madden's game that already had Favre returning to the game as a Packer. As it stands now, with 24 hours to go, the rumor is that Favre will still be on the cover as a Packer however, once the game sells out there will be an updated version featuring him as a Jet on the cover art. Meanwhile, if you insist on Favre actually being QB as a Jet, a link will be available to download that will make the necessary adjustments to the game. But keep in mind, this link is only being included in some of the games being shipped. Bottom line is, you'd better buy four games for your PS3 to increase your odds of one day being able to afford sending your kid to college. For the moment though, because John Madden is afraid of plane rides, all the money earned will go directly into the gas tank of his big bus. This goes on sale at 12:01 A.M.







August 09, 2008

"Return to Sender"







The Brotherhood of The Traveling Briefs... Playtime is over and now it's time for some serious work to be done! 2008 hasn't been a good year for movies unless your film has "Batman" in the title. Let's face it, everything else has been released with a lot of fanfare only to become MIA from theaters a week later! Because of this, being able to label a flick soley on the fact that it "stinks" is impossible however, considering you can pay $12.00 to enjoy an empty movie theater for 90 minutes by yourself, here's one movie that I will talk about: The Sisterhood of The traveling Pants. While you need not worry about bumping into me at your local Cineplex to see this "gem", the story itself is a good one. I will admit, how they managed to pull off a sequel is beyond me! Here you supposedly have a small circle of girlfriends all in their teens who are like family in the first place. Throw a pair of jeans into the mix and let it make the rounds going from girl to girl. Pretty soon, what you have is a "diary" or a good head start for a movie about how these pants changed their lives as they make that sometimes bumpy transition into "Women". In other words..."B-O-R-I-N-G"!!! Putting "Batman" to the side, I knew this film was in trouble from the get go when they cast a woman in her 20's who plays the lead role in "Ugly Betty" as yet another teenager in this role. Couldn't get a real teenage girl to play the part? Obviously they didn't give Miley Cyrus a call.
Well, my thinking was to take another glance at the script and decide if such a thing can actually happen in real life. I'm not giving any credit to Levi, Lee, or any other manufacturer of denim for my story... No, as a matter of fact, all my kudos goes directly to Fruit of the Loom/ You know, the company that turned boys into men with their timeless briefs. It doesn't matter if they're "tidy whitey" or colored, or even if they have a overstretched elastic band. These things keep your most treasured jewels safe and secure. Wouldn't it be great if an old pair of underwear stains and all, could unweave a story all it's own? The plan has sprung into action my friends and I'll be checking in frequently to see where the pair of dirty underwear I deposited into the Salvation Army Clothing Drop Box will turn up next. The good thing about "the Looms" is that one pair can survive several generations of owners, each one having their own story about what the briefs did for them. Wouldn't it be great to trace my pair back to the 1800's when President Abe Lincoln put on a brand new pair right before he signed The Emancipation Proclamation? How about when Dillinger wore them to hold up his last bank or Buzz Aldrin wore them on his trip to the moon? Women fail to realize that men have always passed their shorts down from person to person many times without the new owner not even realizing it. Such an event happened to me as a boy when a stray pair of briefs ended up in my underwear drawer. They were cleverly mixed in with the others as if I didn't notice! It was around this time that I realizzed even underwear has the ability to become a "hand me down" so long as it's "kept in the family". Sure, you can't catch a disease from your own flesh and blood, can you? You're right. It is disgusting however, I made sure to attach a 3x5 index card to the pair I recently deposited so the new owner will know what to do to keep the story going. Just like releasing a balloon into a brisk wind, I expect my underwear to circle the globe with the lucky guy writing me back from Beijing to say he got my underwear, and read the card, and a willingness to extend a hand in friendship. Isn't that what it's all about?!

August 04, 2008

The Squealing Pig Worldwide!
...is on vacation.
Check back soon for updates!