In Memorium...

Larry Harmon, television's original "Bozo T. Clown"
passed away last Thursday. He was 83.

Have a Happy 4th!

Giving popular retail store a few "POPS" and a "Stunner"! With less than a day to go before fireworks time, everyone is anxious to get things kick started early. Wal-Mart is the victim again, this time on the receiving end of some hooligans. It only proves true that when you live out in the cornfields of Indiana, the only thing to do is watch the cows graze in the grass, cheer for the Colts and the Pacers, make crystal meth, and of course, hang out at the Super Wal-Mart "All the way down that dirt road as far as she goes, and right for a half a mile past the vegetable stand on the corner". That's where these two stories come in...
If stupidity had a dollar amount attached to it, the "Recession" that we're not having would be long gone! Indiana allows the sale and the use of fireworks. Some loopholes however, are written in fine print depending on where in Indiana you live. In many cases, you can purchase an 18 wheeler full of explosives, just so long as you don't ignite them...NOW THAT'S ILLEGAL! Not to mention, stupid on someone's behalf. Putting that issue aside, you can by fireworks anywhere from a street cart along the road, to a big store like K-Mart, or (my favorite) a gas station! Many of which pull no punches by advertisibg they also sell beer. Put these together and whattaya get? EXACTLY! So, that's what happened at Wal-Mart with a couple little hornschwaggles practicing crazy antics before they turn 18 and get formally charged as adults. Yes, both sides of a long aisle at Wal-Mart dedicated to fireworks were ground zero for some kids and a Bic lighter who were bored. After the whole store nearly blew to kingdom come, a lot of people were standing in the smoke and scratching their heads wondering, "Now, how did THIS happen?" Well, Sheriff Taylor and Barney ought to write some citations to everyone in the store, even the shoppers. How could anyone play so dumb as to not see this coming? Same store but a different townin Indiana a week later...Employees are surprised by a visit from former WWE wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin waltzed into the store with a cooler full of beer and a lawn chair, and sat down to make himself at home. Minutes later the crowds started gathering and "Mr. Austin" explained he'd be happy to sign autographs and pose for photos BUT, it was going to cost $10.00 a person. Pretty soon all the townsfolk piled into Wal-Mart and stood in line with money in hand when all of a sudden, a store manager who became suspicious approached the Superstar to ask him who sent him to meet with the shoppers since he hadn't known he was coming. The guy quickly snatched up all his belongings, pocketed all the money, and then ran like the wind, never to be seen or heard from again. Everyone got duped, and it only took about two hours to figure it out. Ain't that great?!

"Some Things Are Better Left Unexplained"

More Beatles discovered in Yoko Ono's New York City apartment! Wow! What a housekeeper Yoko is! Someone look her up the number to Merry Maids. In yet another cold case file finally solved after 50 years, still more "lost" artifacts of pre-Beatle's Lennon and McCartney suddenly show up. Let's not get too excited though, remember the two "lost" songs that were found in time for the Anthology series? "Free as a Bird" was not even close to charting Billboard's Hot 100. and for good reason. It amazes me how someone like Yoko Ono who cares so much about John Lennon and the Beatles library can be so darned clumsy to lose things. These things keep coming around out of nowhere almost as often as new recordings emerge from the slain Tupac Shakir. So, this years discovery was an interview reel from the beginning of the Beatles illustrious career. A chat over tea and buscuits with Lennon and McCartney who toss back and forth the possibility of perhaps "throwing a band together for the fun of it all". Indeed. This stuff is priceless. How many millions would pay at auction for this one of a kind thing? Supposedly the reel has never aired anywhere ever however, the reel is said to be in pretty good shape all things considered. How would someone know this? Obviously someone listened to it already to come to that conclusion. Will we ever hear it? Would you ever buy it or fownload it from iTunes? That sounds about right to me because as far as I'm concerned these are damaged goods having been at the bottom of a closet for half a century.

New Waver's Devo looks for the "Golden Arches" at the end of the rainbow...You may or may not be a spud. A spud was considered to be a die-hard fan of 70's group Devo from Idaho (get it?) . Now, some 25 years after they gave us "Whip it", Devo has reunited not to play music, but to file a lawsuit against McDonald's. To make things simple, Devo is specifically targeting your kids Happy Meal. This begs the age old question: Do the kids want the hamburger and fries, or do they want the toy? Save your answer. The new toy needs no explanation here. The two side by side photos say it all, and truth be known, I'm on Devo's side on this one. Their trademark "flower pot" hats are in reality registered trademarks. McDonald's was foolish to allow this to go as far as it has. There's no contest here unfortunately, the characters in McDonald Land are prepared to fight this regardless. This case can be closed in five minutes in Judge Mathis' courtroom. Geez!

Finally, here's a story that John McCain needs to follow... Let's be honest. We all do. Wal-Mart is going to get an "Extreme Makeover" later this year with the signs on their storefronts. They want to make the place easier to find for the confused consumer. Wal-Mart will be dropping the hyphen from the name and will make it into one word. Not that big of a deal however, you can now use this in a game of Scrabble. Their words will appear on a bright colored background to be seen easier from the street. No word yet on whether or not the smiley face stays or goes. Do you see what's going on here? Everyone can admit to stopping in there to purchase something at least once in a lifetime but, the truth is, the Hispanic population shops there the most and most frequently. No speaka da English? Not a problem. Wal-mart has already changed the aisle signs to half Spanish. If you're still confused how many peso's a dozen tube socks will cost, Wal-Mart employees have been encouraged to learn the language of it's clientele (as long as you do it off the clock in your own spare time). This isn't called "racial profiling" by any stretch. As a matter of fact, these changes are aimed to lure more Mexican immigrants into the store. The theory is, they're already here so, make them feel at home and welcome them in. Now, Wal-Mart never came out and said all this directly, but you be the judge. Wal-Mart claims to have all their chips invested in America and then they do this. While the new sign has yet to be shown publicly, all that's missing is Warner Brothers' controversial cartoon rat, "Speedy Gonzales". He's been out of work for years anyway.