Stretched From the Headlines This Week

Operation ESTHR set to debut in midwest very soon. Ottumwa, IA (API) - It's official. Much of the United States already relies on the help of the AMBER ALERT SYSTEM to aide in the search for missing children. Beginning next month, Iowa and portions of Illinois will be benefitting from a new GPS style tracking device called ESTHR or the Emergency Senior citizen Tracking, Help, and Recovery system. "This is just another tool to help find an elderly grandpa or grandma that may get confused or out of touch with their surroundings." says Sherrif Clyde Humpermill of the Picwah County Sherrif's Office. "Hardly a day goes by where we don't get a call about someone wandering around in their pajamas." He says. Similar to the AMBER Alert system, this network pits out a bulletin for the missing elderly. While AMBER is a high priority alert being sent out immefiately to radio and television stations, ESTHR operates differently. "This is considered to be not that high on the list of priorities" according to Humpermill. "If they are located within a half hour or so, that's great. After that, we pretty much call things off for a variety of reasons." For this pilot program, funding is low, resources can't be stretched, and in the end, there really is no bad news either way the outcome. "It may be cruel to say" quips Humpermill. "But, we figure they altready lived a productive life. The animals have to survive too..." he continues, "wild animals enjoy feasting on the carcasses alomg the roadside." Alerts will primarily be given during the middle of the night when the elderly have trouble falling asleep. CBS Television and Sony Pictures have allowed exclusive rights to air these alerts during the reruns of popular syndicated shows such as "Matlock" and "Murder She Wrote".

Got Room? Ed McMahon and maybe even Mickey Mouse may need your help! OK, imagine it's 7 o' clock in the evening and the front doorbell rings. You answer the door and Ed McMahon is standing there without any fanfare, balloons or confetti, and no oversized check. Matter of fact, both his pockets are empty. There's no television cameras, no Dick Clark by his side and certainly no Johnny Carson. Do you let him in, or slam the door shut? Same goes for the popular mouse down in Orlando. Imagine taking a trip to Disney World only to discover the Magic Kingdom is "red tagged" with "No Trespassing" signs amidst a weed infested parking lot. This ain't "TV's Super Bloopers and Practical Jokes" either. Yep, these two are in deep financial doo-doo. Seems as though McMahon is still paying off several ex-wives and suffering from a broken neck injury last year. This 80 something guy can't work and his house is going into foreclosure. Heck, he may become homeless! Mickey on the other hand, shouldn't be eating cheese from the government anytime soon. Although park attendance dwindles to a record low as a result of high gas and travel expenses, the popular rodent should make a clean getaway after collecting revenue from the several upcoming Disney Pictures releases. Don't pull out the violin or sing a sad song for Ed McMahon either. This old man is already hitting the talk show circuit to spin his tale. If bad comes to worse, maybe Jerry Lewis or Dick Clark can help out. Let the Muscular Distrophy Association take a year off and dedicate this Labor Day to Johnny's old sidekick! Afterall, with all the money they make from the gig, where does it go? C'mon! You mean to tell me that after collecting so many millions over the last 40 years that they haven;t found a cure yet?! SOMEBODY is lining their pockets somewhere! Here's another idea... Raffle the old codger off to someone in a weekly lottery. The winner gets Ed McMahon as a houseguest. Feed him, clothe him, and change his diaper as needed. Let the guy leave greetings on your answering machine for callers. Let him introduce your guests as he opens up your front door. For God sakes, don't lrt this legends star burn out in some potter's field with an unmarked grave. Please help him, won't you?

"The worl'd whitest African-American" taking time off to polish act

The Gospel according to Phleger... (note: The following is an excerpt taken from a Phleger sermon delivered last week. Since then, Michael Phleger has been asked to take a leave of absence from his Chicago church by the Archdiosise of Chicago. Such action was taken as a result of comments made regarding Presidential hopeful Sen.,Hillary Clinton. He has been told to no longer mention any of the Presidential candidates by name while awaiting his future.. Meanwhile, judge for yourself!) "What's done is done, my brothers and sisters. I feel baptized. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! Listen here and open your ears, We did it! Yessssum. She's glike the old gram ma ma down the road that wore a sweater in the summertime and walked down the street talking to people that weren't there. MESSED UP IN THE HEAD is what she was and then the evil won the battle and won the war and lay her down in the smoldering ashes until the good took over again. The evil that is dead wears a blue pants-suit and breathes fire! When the smoke clears though, just like a phoenix, the new evil rises to fight our black warrior. Only this time, he has a new face. That of an old man in his 70's. This new demon is ready to trick you. He wants you on his side. He wears flashy clothes and a lot of bling with his short, cropped, gray hair. This evil is all you gots? You ain't gonna bring us black soldiers down! Defeating you is like shooting fish in a barrel, or perhaps the cycle of your long life of tom foolery will destroy yourself." And they say religion and politics don't mix well? I beg to differ.

Citizen McCain

As all the world waited for news in the selection for a Democratic nominee, all Sen. John McCain could do is look on. "Dammit!" he cried... "Those sons of bitches interrupted my program!!!"

"It's all about the Benjamins!"

...Don't look now, all "Holy Hell" is about to break loose! The best way to cover up a train wreck is to give away a million clams. Hell, if Howie Mandel can do it, so can World Wrestling Entertainment. Enter Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Barnum and Bailey of sports entertainment. A new contest will quickly divert your attention from his estranged relations with Hulk Hogan, plummeting ratings on the USA Network, and The Return of a Warrior". McMahon says these are the best of times for the NYSE corporation...I SAY, nothing could be farther from the truth!

• Let's start with sometimes wrestler/ host of American Gladiators/ VH1 reality tv star, Terry Bullea A.K.A. Hollywood Hogan... What's with this dude, BROTHER?! Vince McMahon and Hogan have in recent years, had an "on again, off again" relationship. Needless to say, at the moment this relationship has been put on the back burner. The biggest fish that needs to be fried first is the Hulksters son Nick who is now confined to a Florida jail cell for the homicide of a fellow motorist whom he was racing with on a stretch of highway. Oddly enough, the Hogan family has pretty much taken Nick's side despite the fact that underage Nick had open liquor in the car. Recent visits to the jail have Hulkster and son scheming to cash in on the misfortune by making a new reality show based on Nick's time in jail. The two have even poked fun at the guy that Nick killed saying that, "the guy was a loser, scumbag anyway" and "good for the guy...he had it coming!" That's a good thing to whisper to obe another behind plexiglass. It shows the big hearts the Hogan's have. McMahon doesn't need that baggage right now so, USA Network, a subsidiary of NBC picks up the remainder of Hogan's commitmrnt and lets him restart Gladiators. Hogan currently has no ties with the WWE
• The return of The Warrior. Why is this 80's icon putting back on the facepaint and shaking the ring ropes again?? Jim Helwig A.K.A. began his career with Steve Borden before he switched promotions and went to the WWE as The Ultimate Warrior and rose to the top. Despite rumors of Helwig's death nine times over due to drug and steroid abuse, he milked the cow dry for all of McMahon's money before being sent packing. Don't ask who is more nuts in the head because Helwig legally changed his name to Warrior a few years ago. Still talking in lots of rants, babble, and his philosophy of life, he returns to the ring thhis month after a long hiatus to rid the world of people who did him wrong in the first place, In the crosshairs are Hogan, Sting, and Vince McMahon. Looks like this time around, he'll be in TNA. He can still get on the mic and slander WWE all he wants, like he does on his website however, does he realize that he'll be sharing the locker room with Steve "Sting" Borden? This is not a storyline. It could blow sky high real fast. McMahon didn't think the drana in real life was worth it.
• Poor ratings only get worse...here comes the money. True, WWE helped USA Network get on the map but now, ratings are at an all time low. To make you suffer through all the crap, the WWE is gonna give some lucky soul a million dollars just for watching on Monday night. The original plan was to give a "money back guarantee" to people who wrote in to say the WWE stole two hours of their life. If that played itself out as originally advertised, I wouldn't want to be captain of that ship for all the tea in China.