"The worl'd whitest African-American" taking time off to polish act

The Gospel according to Phleger... (note: The following is an excerpt taken from a Phleger sermon delivered last week. Since then, Michael Phleger has been asked to take a leave of absence from his Chicago church by the Archdiosise of Chicago. Such action was taken as a result of comments made regarding Presidential hopeful Sen.,Hillary Clinton. He has been told to no longer mention any of the Presidential candidates by name while awaiting his future.. Meanwhile, judge for yourself!) "What's done is done, my brothers and sisters. I feel baptized. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! Listen here and open your ears, We did it! Yessssum. She's glike the old gram ma ma down the road that wore a sweater in the summertime and walked down the street talking to people that weren't there. MESSED UP IN THE HEAD is what she was and then the evil won the battle and won the war and lay her down in the smoldering ashes until the good took over again. The evil that is dead wears a blue pants-suit and breathes fire! When the smoke clears though, just like a phoenix, the new evil rises to fight our black warrior. Only this time, he has a new face. That of an old man in his 70's. This new demon is ready to trick you. He wants you on his side. He wears flashy clothes and a lot of bling with his short, cropped, gray hair. This evil is all you gots? You ain't gonna bring us black soldiers down! Defeating you is like shooting fish in a barrel, or perhaps the cycle of your long life of tom foolery will destroy yourself." And they say religion and politics don't mix well? I beg to differ.

Citizen McCain

As all the world waited for news in the selection for a Democratic nominee, all Sen. John McCain could do is look on. "Dammit!" he cried... "Those sons of bitches interrupted my program!!!"

"It's all about the Benjamins!"

...Don't look now, all "Holy Hell" is about to break loose! The best way to cover up a train wreck is to give away a million clams. Hell, if Howie Mandel can do it, so can World Wrestling Entertainment. Enter Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Barnum and Bailey of sports entertainment. A new contest will quickly divert your attention from his estranged relations with Hulk Hogan, plummeting ratings on the USA Network, and The Return of a Warrior". McMahon says these are the best of times for the NYSE corporation...I SAY, nothing could be farther from the truth!

• Let's start with sometimes wrestler/ host of American Gladiators/ VH1 reality tv star, Terry Bullea A.K.A. Hollywood Hogan... What's with this dude, BROTHER?! Vince McMahon and Hogan have in recent years, had an "on again, off again" relationship. Needless to say, at the moment this relationship has been put on the back burner. The biggest fish that needs to be fried first is the Hulksters son Nick who is now confined to a Florida jail cell for the homicide of a fellow motorist whom he was racing with on a stretch of highway. Oddly enough, the Hogan family has pretty much taken Nick's side despite the fact that underage Nick had open liquor in the car. Recent visits to the jail have Hulkster and son scheming to cash in on the misfortune by making a new reality show based on Nick's time in jail. The two have even poked fun at the guy that Nick killed saying that, "the guy was a loser, scumbag anyway" and "good for the guy...he had it coming!" That's a good thing to whisper to obe another behind plexiglass. It shows the big hearts the Hogan's have. McMahon doesn't need that baggage right now so, USA Network, a subsidiary of NBC picks up the remainder of Hogan's commitmrnt and lets him restart Gladiators. Hogan currently has no ties with the WWE
• The return of The Warrior. Why is this 80's icon putting back on the facepaint and shaking the ring ropes again?? Jim Helwig A.K.A. began his career with Steve Borden before he switched promotions and went to the WWE as The Ultimate Warrior and rose to the top. Despite rumors of Helwig's death nine times over due to drug and steroid abuse, he milked the cow dry for all of McMahon's money before being sent packing. Don't ask who is more nuts in the head because Helwig legally changed his name to Warrior a few years ago. Still talking in lots of rants, babble, and his philosophy of life, he returns to the ring thhis month after a long hiatus to rid the world of people who did him wrong in the first place, In the crosshairs are Hogan, Sting, and Vince McMahon. Looks like this time around, he'll be in TNA. He can still get on the mic and slander WWE all he wants, like he does on his website however, does he realize that he'll be sharing the locker room with Steve "Sting" Borden? This is not a storyline. It could blow sky high real fast. McMahon didn't think the drana in real life was worth it.
• Poor ratings only get worse...here comes the money. True, WWE helped USA Network get on the map but now, ratings are at an all time low. To make you suffer through all the crap, the WWE is gonna give some lucky soul a million dollars just for watching on Monday night. The original plan was to give a "money back guarantee" to people who wrote in to say the WWE stole two hours of their life. If that played itself out as originally advertised, I wouldn't want to be captain of that ship for all the tea in China.

Memorial Day

President Bush visits the tomb of the Unknown Soldier for his last term in office this Memorial Day. Considering how far science has come in the 21st Century, why is the soldier still "Unknown"? Let's open up the tomb and use something called "DNA" to end this mystery