Citizen McCain

As all the world waited for news in the selection for a Democratic nominee, all Sen. John McCain could do is look on. "Dammit!" he cried... "Those sons of bitches interrupted my program!!!"

"It's all about the Benjamins!"

...Don't look now, all "Holy Hell" is about to break loose! The best way to cover up a train wreck is to give away a million clams. Hell, if Howie Mandel can do it, so can World Wrestling Entertainment. Enter Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Barnum and Bailey of sports entertainment. A new contest will quickly divert your attention from his estranged relations with Hulk Hogan, plummeting ratings on the USA Network, and The Return of a Warrior". McMahon says these are the best of times for the NYSE corporation...I SAY, nothing could be farther from the truth!

• Let's start with sometimes wrestler/ host of American Gladiators/ VH1 reality tv star, Terry Bullea A.K.A. Hollywood Hogan... What's with this dude, BROTHER?! Vince McMahon and Hogan have in recent years, had an "on again, off again" relationship. Needless to say, at the moment this relationship has been put on the back burner. The biggest fish that needs to be fried first is the Hulksters son Nick who is now confined to a Florida jail cell for the homicide of a fellow motorist whom he was racing with on a stretch of highway. Oddly enough, the Hogan family has pretty much taken Nick's side despite the fact that underage Nick had open liquor in the car. Recent visits to the jail have Hulkster and son scheming to cash in on the misfortune by making a new reality show based on Nick's time in jail. The two have even poked fun at the guy that Nick killed saying that, "the guy was a loser, scumbag anyway" and "good for the guy...he had it coming!" That's a good thing to whisper to obe another behind plexiglass. It shows the big hearts the Hogan's have. McMahon doesn't need that baggage right now so, USA Network, a subsidiary of NBC picks up the remainder of Hogan's commitmrnt and lets him restart Gladiators. Hogan currently has no ties with the WWE
• The return of The Warrior. Why is this 80's icon putting back on the facepaint and shaking the ring ropes again?? Jim Helwig A.K.A. began his career with Steve Borden before he switched promotions and went to the WWE as The Ultimate Warrior and rose to the top. Despite rumors of Helwig's death nine times over due to drug and steroid abuse, he milked the cow dry for all of McMahon's money before being sent packing. Don't ask who is more nuts in the head because Helwig legally changed his name to Warrior a few years ago. Still talking in lots of rants, babble, and his philosophy of life, he returns to the ring thhis month after a long hiatus to rid the world of people who did him wrong in the first place, In the crosshairs are Hogan, Sting, and Vince McMahon. Looks like this time around, he'll be in TNA. He can still get on the mic and slander WWE all he wants, like he does on his website however, does he realize that he'll be sharing the locker room with Steve "Sting" Borden? This is not a storyline. It could blow sky high real fast. McMahon didn't think the drana in real life was worth it.
• Poor ratings only get worse...here comes the money. True, WWE helped USA Network get on the map but now, ratings are at an all time low. To make you suffer through all the crap, the WWE is gonna give some lucky soul a million dollars just for watching on Monday night. The original plan was to give a "money back guarantee" to people who wrote in to say the WWE stole two hours of their life. If that played itself out as originally advertised, I wouldn't want to be captain of that ship for all the tea in China.

Memorial Day

President Bush visits the tomb of the Unknown Soldier for his last term in office this Memorial Day. Considering how far science has come in the 21st Century, why is the soldier still "Unknown"? Let's open up the tomb and use something called "DNA" to end this mystery

The Kennedy Conspiracy

Mr. Kennedy is Alive and Well! But that all depends on how you look at things. As we re-visit a photo from Novenber of 2002, rumors were flying that JFK was up and around and trying to be discreet as he sipped a latte at the original Starbucks store in Seattle. A patron who was also in the restaurant snapped a quick photo of Kennedy reading the morning paper. From this photo, The Weekly World News made the conclusion that JFK's murder was full of more questions than answers. An article was included with the picture suggesting that the horrible day in Dallas was staged and JFK addictted to pain medication, was whisked away for rehab and a new life deep in the Islands of Samoa. The photograph shows a rather young looking Kennedy who seems healthy and happy and must be a regular at the local CVS drug store purchasing Just For Men hair dye. Is he alive? YOU decide before taking a gander at the newest photo to surface just two weeks ago. Photo #2 was taken at a Kennedy Family Honors event. When Kennedy's name was announced, three men made their way to the podium to address the crowd: Mr. Kennedy, wrestler on WWE's Monday Night Raw, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and off tto the right, JFK! While Sen. Kennedy begins a long process of treatment and therapy today, patrons in his hospital noted that JFK was in a private meeting with the recovering Senator for over two hours before he was released. JFK was said to have been in disguise wearing a pony tail, sunglasses, and baseball cap. As people both Democrats and Republicans, have set aside their differences in order to come together and pray for the Senator's speedy recovery, one thing is for sure... that is, Teddy isn't getting any younger. When he dies, who will take over as captain of the Kennedy ship? Insiders have speculated the job should belong to Kennedy family member by marriage, Arnold Schwartzaneger. With the discovery that JFK is still around, the former President could very well take Ted's post in the senate